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Greetings from Tucson (2002)
Pilot
Proud and hardworking Joaquin Tiant's recent promotion has finally enabled him to move his family to a bigger house in a nice Tucson neighborhood, and his 15 year-old son David is pleasantly surprised when his new next-door-neighbor Sarah invites him to a school dance. But when the need for a new suit sends him to the mall with his entire family, David's values clash with those of his pragmatic dad and he finds out the hard way what the phrase "all dressed up and no where to go" actually means.
My Two Padres
After David and Sarah accidentally get drunk at a party, David calls Uncle Ernesto instead of Joaquin to pick them up. Realizing Joaquin will be furious with them for their deceit, David and Ernesto scheme to re-enact the evening by planning a fake party.
Driving
David finds himself in hot water after he promises to drive Sarah and her friends to a concert before he actually gets his driver's permit. Determined to make the concert, David bites the bullet and asks Joaquin for driving lessons, landing him in the driver's seas for the ride of his life.
Work Ethic
David wants to get a job as a lifeguard at a country club, but Joaquin arranges for the teen to be a golf caddy instead. Meanwhile, Ernesto wants to spend quality time with his son Daniel, but the boy prefers to hang out with Joaquin.
Popularity
After David complains about not being popular like Maria, Ernesto advises him to join the high school football team and ride the bench to avoid the bone-crushing plays; but when Joaquin realizes his son is not in the game, he talks the coach into sending him in to playwhich ends in a surprising accident. Meanwhile, Maria applies to college and writes an essay about her mixed heritage that makes fun of a certain part of her mother's body.
Spiteful Dating
David is happily surprised after he starts dating one of Maria's friends when she turns a slumber-party prank of truth or dare into an opportunity to ask him to lunch and a date with one of the school cheerleaders. But an embarrassed Maria determined to keep David out of her social circle vows to sabotage the couple's relationship, but fails miserably, prompting her to try something she has never done before - ask Uncle Ernesto for advice.
Working Mothers of America
When Elizabeth takes a job as a bank teller to earn extra money needed for Maria's college education, Joaquin predicts that the kids will suffer, then proceeds to make sure that they do. Meanwhile, Ernesto tries to avoid getting a promotion.
Strike
Elizabeth and Ernesto take on extra shifts at work after Joaquin's factory workers go on strike leaving him at home with David and Maria, and a lot of time to fill. To make matters worse, David realizes he has feelings for Sarah and the only person around to give him advice is his dad.
Christmas
While Elizabeth and Maria scheme to teach Sarah's narrow-minded mom a lesson, David plots revenge when his dad first gives him permission to spend the holidays skiing with Sarah, then goes back on his word. Meanwhile, Ernesto allows his friends' band (Los Lobos) to practice in the garage, but is horrified when Joaquin wants to join the band as their lead singer.
Ball and Chain
David gets nervous about kissing Sarah for the first time after Maria tells him that it will affect his future opportunities with other girls. Meanwhile, Maria does menial favors for Ernesto to get information from him that will help her win a bet.
A Brand New Car
When David wants to buy a car, he enlists Maria's help to convince Joaquin. David shops for a car with his father and sister and ends up buying a model that Maria likes, and so she begins to drive it without David's permission. David then sets out to prove to his dad once and for all that women are constantly manipulating him.
Counseling
When Maria gets a new school counselor (guest star Willie Garson) she butts heads with the new school guidance counselor over her habitual lying. With that, David sees a chance to reveal Maria's "problem with the truth" to their parents, but the outcome isn't exactly what he expected. With the intent on getting even with her brother, Maria sets out to spoil David and Sarah's special night together. Sarah had invited David to her house for some romance.
Family Honor
After David forgets his first-month anniversary with Sarah and tries to make it up when Joaquin advises him to cook a romantic dinner for her, Maria interrupts and sabotages the meal after Sarah tells Maria's date she is planning on leaving the dance with another boy, and Maria gets dumped and she comes home early.
Maria's Boyfriend
Maria is reluctant to tell her father about the guy she is dating because she fears he'll demand that she end the relationship and she is right. Elizabeth tries to convince her daughter to break the news to Joaquin. However, the real shock comes when Joaquin finally explains that his disapproval is based on race, but not in the way Maria thinks.
Student Council
David runs for student-council president against one of Maria's friends, and Joaquin winds up taking over his son's campaign. Meanwhile, Ernesto asks Daniel to fake an injury so they can spend time with a physical therapist Ernesto wants to date.
Coffee
When Elizabeth's parents (guest stars Garr and Mull) come to visit, she asks the family to be on their best behavior, but the urge to taunt one another proves to be too much for everyone. Realizing Rebecca is upset, the family pulls together and begins acting like a Stepford family - which freaks their mom out.
Breakup
David breaks up with Sarah after talking to his parents about a petty argument he had with her and the incident rattles the Tiant household. After David and Sarah break up, David takes Maria's cheerleader friend Paula (Jessica Andrews) on a date, much to the dismay of Joaquin, who plots to get David and Sarah back together. Meanwhile, Ernesto tries to find a date to bring to his ex-wife's wedding. Elizabeth sets Ernesto up with one of her crazy co-workers.
Home Sweet Home
Joaquin reluctantly allows Maria to move into her own apartment, but she finds that dealing with her kooky landlord (J.C. Chasez) and constant visits from her family is not what she expected.
My Friend Mom
Tensions mount in the Tiant household as Maria and Elizabeth argue about Maria's attitude toward college, and their troubled relationship. Guest-star Vince Neil feels the pressures of being a rock star and seeks advice from his new security guard, Ernesto (Jacob Vargas). Ernesto's advice, that Neil should "just relax," leads to unexpected results as the Vince quits the business -- on the eve of a sold-out concert.
The First Time
David and Sarah plan to have sex for the first time and it's up to David to find the right place for the encounter. Meanwhile, Ernesto invests in an old trailer and parks it in the backyard and hires Rosa (guest star Carmen Electra) to be his "maintenance woman", secretly hoping he can turn her attention away from the trailer and focus in on him. Plus, Maria's boyfriend (Wesley Jonathan) returns.
Sibling Rivalry
The tension between David and Maria gets out of hand when David embarrasses his sister during her 18th birthday party by showing the guests a video of her singing and dancing in the backyard. When Maria and David will not stop fighting, their parents Joaquin and Elizabeth fear that their children will never be friends and send them to visit a priest (guest star Edward James Olmos) as a last ditch effort to mend their relationship.
Eegee's vs. Hardee's
The first season concludes as David decides to hang out with a new group of friends, despite an objection from Sarah. David's new "cool" friends dislike Sarah and toilet-paper her house, forcing David to take sides. Meanwhile, after Ernesto declares his love for his new girlfriend the family worries when the acts just like his ex-wives. David becomes frightened at the thought of losing his uncle and decides to show him the error of his ways.