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Duckman (1994)
I, Duckman
We are introduced to Duckman, who's ignored by his family and feels under appreciated, he is searching for something to be remembered by. The agency receives a package that contains a bomb that goes of in the office. Duckman is happy someone cared enough to try and kill him so he visits the sender in prison. Only that suspect also receives a package.
T.V. or Not to Be
Duckman is watching a TV program, but the family takes over the set when Mother Mirabelle's Home Miracle Network program starts airing. The family demands that Duckman help find Mother Mirabelle's stolen painting that helps create miracles. Duckman reluctantly agrees, but he is skeptical until he experiences his own miracle.
Gripes of Wrath
A comment Duckman makes at the unveiling of a new supercomputer, named Loretta, makes the world a better place to live in, for a while anyway.
Psyche
Feeling inadequate and hard up, Duckman gets a bill job. The detectives then get a job researching the lives of two large breasted women, but Duckman runs away from it. Seeking further help, takes him into his psyche where he confronts what has really been troubling him.
Gland of Opportunity
Duckman receives the adrenal gland of a daredevil via a transplant at an amusement park clinic. The new gland gives him loads of confidence.
Ride the High School
Duckman receives a letter offering Ajax a chance to go to a boarding school for gifted children. After visiting Ajax's current school, Duckman decides that Ajax must go to the boarding school. The family begins to miss Ajax's presence. Cornfed decodes one of Ajax's letter's and they go to the school to bring Ajax back, but it turns out the school is a front for Duckman's arch-nemesis, "King" Chicken.
A Civil War
Duckman is jealous when everyone showers Cornfed with their attention, so he fires him while working their next case, which involves the "murder" of the owner of a Steak and Waffle on a Stick factory.
Not So Easy Riders
Duckman receives a letter from the IRS. The IRS agent is tough and Duckman is given 24 hours to pay $29,587.42 in back taxes. After asking his family for help and being rejected and lectured, Duckman tries anything. When he can't raise the funds, he and Cornfed go on the run and then on the road. Bernice falls for the IRS agent who's staying at the house waiting for Duckman to call.
It's the Thing of the Principal
Bernice is worried about Ajax, who's not been eating and has been sent to the principal every day this week. Duckman and Cornfed go undercover in the school to find out what's up with Ajax. It turns out that Ajax is in love with the vice principal and she's in love with him. They take off together with plans to get married, south of the border. Duckman and Bernice pose as a couple and go after them.
Cellar Beware
Bernice decides they're going to act together as a family. For their first activity together, she invites the neighbors over for the monthly meeting of the block association. When a home security expert shows up, his pitch gets Duckman to buy the most elaborate security system, the "Interlopen Fuhrer 2000," which of course doesn't do the job and then Duckman fixes it...
American Dick
The Duckman detective agency, the only agency not affected by the nationwide detective strike, becomes the focus of TV show American Dicks who are looking to solve their 100th case. Eventually, Duckman gets a case; the mission is to find the mayor.
About Face
Duckman calls 911 in an emergency and falls in love with the voice on the other end of the line. When they meet, her looks leave a whole lot to be desired. Then she gets a complete makeover that changes her life.
Joking the Chicken
A group of comedians hire Duckman to stop a pathetic mild mannered politically correct chicken whose "clean" stand up routine becomes a comedy sensation. The chicken's routines are funny to everyone except Duckman, who soon discovers the source of his popularity.
Papa Oom M.O.W. M.O.W.
While trying to grab a couple of women in the ass, Duckman saves the president's life. When this fact is later revealed, Duckman tries to capitalize on his sleazy image.
Married Alive
Bernice returns home with news that she is getting married to a self-made billionaire who plans to take her and the kids away with him to Europe, leaving Duckman alone.
Days of Whining and Neurosis
Duckman & Cornfed go undercover into an exclusive celebrity-filled health spa to investigate one of the support groups.
Inherit the Judgment: The Dope's Trial
Duckman, in search of his free clock radio, takes the family out to the desert. They wind up in a small town where "King" Chicken is the sheriff and Duckman is put on trial for being a heretic.
America the Beautiful
As the disclaimer says at the beginning this episode is full "of heavy handed and over-obvious allegory," when for some children, Duckman and Cornfed search for what has become of a beautiful model named America.
The Germ Turns
The family goes to a new age fair and at one of the booths, Duckman meets his mother who's been reincarnated as a "highly infectious germ". He learns that if he parents his children correctly he won't come back as germ, so he showers his kids with too much affection.
In the Nam of the Father
The son Cornfed never knew he had arrives at the office and Cornfed travels back to Vietnam to find the mother and the truth. Duckman takes his family along on the trip for a much needed vacation and must also deal with the flashbacks he is experiencing.
Research and Destroy
Ajax's natural talent for poetry makes him popular. Duckman gets him signed to a contract for a job creating greeting cards, but Ajax isn't happy with his new occupation.
Clip Job
Duckman is kidnapped by an irate viewer who doesn't like the lack of morals portrayed on his television show.
Noir Gang
Feeling "creatively obligated by a film-noir parody," Cornfed calls their new client "a dame," whose name is Tamara La Boinque. Later he confesses to a priest about betraying his partner, when they both fall in love with their client.
Forbidden Fruit
Duckman is slapped with a sexual harassment charge by the French nanny that Bernice has hired to tutor the boys. It seems the nanny isn't who she appears to be. In search of solitude Duckman moves in with Fluffy and Uranus; even they reach their breaking point with him.
Grandma-ma's Flatulent Adventure
The family makes plans to put Grandma-ma in a rest home. While taking her there, Duckman gets distracted and loses track of her. Grandma-ma embarks on a flatulent adventure and later when Cornfed and Duckman find her, she appears to be dead. Duckman makes the funeral arrangements.
The Color Of Naught
Duckman again foils King Chickens plot for revenge. This time King Chicken has produced a product that makes everything beautiful, everything except Duckman. The only problem being is that this product is actually a virus that de-evolves everything. Duckman must again battle King Chicken and save the world.
Sperms of Endearment
Bernice, Duckmans sister-in-law, decides she wants to have a child of her own. After trying the dating scene she decides to give artificial insemination a go. Due to a mis-communication and over abundance of, er, 'product', the service gives her Duckmans 'donation'. Hilarity ensues as Duckman and Bernice are incompatible in every [in] conceivable way.
A Room With a Bellevue
Duckman gets placed in a mental institution after pleading temporary insanity to a charge of public ranting. He likes the strict regimentation of the institution (compared to the anarchy and choas of outside the institution) so much that he decides to have himself permanently commited. Cornfed comes to rescue Duckman from the institution, but is to late as he has already been given shock treatment. Luckily Cornfed has a book on brain surgery and gets Duckman back to 'normal'. [note: the original version of this episode has a small section where Duckman is being dragged through a room where some residents are being given a test, and Dr. Stein asks them about seeing Duckman and a question of time. For some strange reason this scene is usually cut.]
Apocalypse Not
After the city gets attacked by one of Duckmans over-inflated dolls, the city decides to have an emergency drill where all the residents go underground till the drill passes. Duckman fails to know about the drill and has a city-wide 'party' (involving mass destrution) while all the residents are gone. Eventually the residents return to chase Duckman out of town.
Clear and Presidente Danger
Duckman and group win a trip to a third-world country. Duckman starts a revolution with his ranting and gets placed into power where he becomes as corrupt as the last rulling paty. This requires Cornfed to form a revolution and rescue Duckman and group.
The Girls of Route Canal
Charles and Mambo are in love and look to Duckman for advice. He tells them a Bridges of Madison County-esque story of how he and their mother met and fell in love.
The Mallardian Candidate
Former comedian Iggy Catalpa hires Duckman to investigate a conspiracy where the only evidence is a sock missing from his laundry. The conspirators capture Duckman and brainwash him into killing the only one who can stop them, Cornfed.
Pig Amok
(Willabald Feivel) Cornfed finds out from his father via a documentary co-written with Ken Burns, that he has a genetic disease that gives him a choice, either lose his virginity, or die in 24 hours. Duckman tries to help him out, but Bernice saves the day and Cornfed pledges his undying love. He becomes dejected when she rejects him and tries to commit suicide.
The Once and Future Duck
Ajax opens a rift in the time/space continuum with his clock radio. Duckman discovers from a future version of himself that his future hinges on Charles and Mambo's tuba recital. Unfortunately Duckman tries to use these visits from his future selves to make a his decisions and suddenly discover every little decision he makes has a big impact on his future.
The One With Lisa Kudrow in a Small Role (a.k.a. Planet of the Dopes)
Ajax is abducted by redneck aliens and taken to a planet where Duckman is praised as a deity and Ajax revered as "The son of Dod."
Aged Heat
A Grandma-ma look-a-like robber switches places with the her to make an escape. Duckman suspects that Grandma-ma isn't quite herself, of course no one believes him. The Agnes reveals herself and holds the family hostage.
They Craved Duckman's Brain!
Duckman is cast in a hospital educational film with Joe Walsh; for his part he is put into a MRI chamber. The film crew is thrown out of the lab and Duckman forgotten. Left too long in the chamber, a mutation occurs which a doctor identifies as a cure for cancer. Now everyone wants Duckman's brain for their own purposes. Meanwhile, Agnes is still impersonating Grandma-ma.
The Road to Dendron
A parody of the Hope/Crosby Road pictures is done in this episode as Duckman and Cornfed act as chaperones for Ajax's class trip to the Sudan. Ajax is kidnapped. Duckman and Cornfed must rescue Ajax from a Sultan, his Fakir and a beautiful princess.
Exile in Guyville
A young child is related the tale of how Duckman and Bernice led a nationwide division of sexes, all this because of his ad for lingerie. Duckman and the men move to the west coast. Bernice and the woman move to the east coast. The children have a different idea.
The Longest Weekend
Duckman and the neighbors get together to form an association after another neighborhood association appears to be getting preferential treatment from the city. Duckman is elected head of the association and he becomes Patton-like as the two neighborhood associations go to war. The civil war breaks out within their neighborhood association.
The Amazing Colossal Duckman
Through a unique combination of chemicals, Duckman gets a rare blood disease that causes him to grow several inches each time he gets angry and rants & raves. Realizing that he can't control himself after growing several feet, Duckman exiles himself to a desert island.
Cock Tales for Four
Duckman and Bernice go to meet the parent's of Ajax's girlfriend. The parents turn out to be "King" Chicken and his wife; surprisingly for the moment he and Duckman make up. Bernice and the "King" also mend their fence; however, Honey makes a play for Duckman to put things back to normal.
Dammit, Hollywood
Annoyed with the current state of the film industry, Duckman goes to Hollywood to demand his $7 back. Instead, he falls into the plot of a soon-to-be deposed studio executive, a man who's looking for a patsy to run the studio into the ground in hopes of saving his own job. Duckman becomes head of Paradox Pictures, where "if it's a good movie its a Paradox". He quickly begins running through the studio's money, signs a secretary to a 340 million dollar deal to star in a movie in her underpants. The deposed executive also arranges it so that Duckman manages to alienate the studio's three biggest action stars.
Coolio Runnings
With the Father & Son Games coming up, Duckman looks for an alternative to competing with Ajax. He spots a more than adequate replacement in recording artist Coolio, who's returned to school to replace his high school diploma.
Aged Heat 2: Women in Heat
Duckman is imprisoned for killing Fluffy and Uranus, again. However, he is accidentally sent to a women's prison. A dream of his comes true! In fact Duckman fits in quite well and becomes the star attraction in the warden's side business, a dance ring. Everything's going great until Suzy comes along.
All About Elliott
Duckman and Cornfed hire a college intern for the agency. The intern undermines Cornfed's reputation and indulges Duckman's self-destructive behavior. Duckman must choose between his flashy new assistant (who may be trying to kill him) and his old partner.
From Brad to Worse
Duckman finds an old high school classmate who's been homeless due to something Duckman did to him 20 years ago. Duckman's attempts to help only make things worse.
Bonfire of the Panties
Cornfed along with Charles and Mambo prepare the ultimate aphrodisiac for Duckman to turn his love life around. They give him a limited amount of the potion, but he quickly replicates it in huge batches. Now he has more woman than he can deal with. Bernice discovers what is going on and demands that he stop. When the real thing occurs between Duckman and actress Courtney Thorne-Smith, no one believes him.
Role With It
Duckman takes the family and the staff on a holiday to a real Indian reservation, with a casino. While there, a psychiatrist notices Duckman and the rest of the family's overall self-destructive behavior. She offers them treatment that involves a role-playing session that uncovers some of their real issues.
Ajax and Ajaxer
Duckman and Cornfed are hired to perform surveillance on a laboratory that is performing experiments on intelligence formulas. Cornfed accidentally swallows a "Get Dumb" formula, that falls in with the plans of the scientist who created it. If Cornfed gets cured, will Ajax lose his first true friend?
With Friends Like These
Duckman quests for friendship when Cornfed is the only guest at his surprise party. He begins hanging out at a coffee shop that is filled with a group of twenty-somethings named Ditzi, Bobby, Sassy, Pete and Marion. Together they discuss their "problems" a la Friends with a side of Ellen.
A Trophied Duck
Duckman and the gang travel to San Francisco to attend Dickcon 97. He thinks he is being honored with an "achievement" award. When he gets there, he encounters an old rival from detective school. The rival is running the event and takes every opportunity to humiliate him. One of these methods involves an attempt to find a kidnapped Cornfed.
A Star is Abhorred
Duckman takes the family and Cornfed out for dinner. The karaoke machine comes out and Bernice's rantings against Duckman are heard by a record company big-wig. He markets her as an Alanis Morrisette type of singing sensation; however, the tour takes a toll on her and the family.
Bev Takes a Holiday
Bernice travels to Washington to assume her new role as Congresswoman. Duckman spots a woman who happens to look like Beatrice, but gets hit by a bus. It turns out that she is Beatrice and Bernice's long lost triplet. Bev realizes the only way to keep Duckman alive is to pretend to be Beatrice.
Love! Anger! Kvetching! (a.k.a. Ain't Gonna Be No Mo No Mo')
Duckman plans a big poker for the evening. Unfortunately before the game his obnoxious Uncle Mo arrives and claims he is dying. To avoid the curse that befell his cousin, Duckman tries to wait on him hand and foot. Just how much of his Uncle can he take?
Duckman and Cornfed in 'Haunted Society Plumbers'
Duckman and Cornfed become plumbers and their first job takes them to a society gathering in a mansion. While not doing his job, Duckman discovers that the cursed "Sharon Stone" is missing; he and Cornfed try to recover the diamond before the hostess discovers the theft. After the diamond is revealed to be missing, its curse comes into play and traps them in the mansion.
Ebony, Baby
Cornfed leaves for a much-needed vacation. While he is away, Duckman becomes mesmerized by a black model/private eye who quickly gets him involved in a world of murder, power, lust and every black exploitation cliché that exists with a side of a Spelling/Goldberg production.
Vuuck, as in Duck
Duckman inherits a minor league baseball team as the dying wish of the owner who is trying to keep the team from hands of a banker. To boost attendance he stages a series of stunts, that humiliate and scare the players into quitting. He "hires" nine super-models to take their place and they are an instant success. Cornfed teaches them the fundamentals of baseball and they become a great team. The banker institutes a scheme to prevent the supermodels from winning the big game and Cornfed discovers his other scheme on the Internet in the newsgroup alt.villians.greedy-schemes.
Crime, Punishment, War, Peace, and the Idiot
Beverly asks Bernice if she knows anything about Grandma-ma's past. The coma-bound Grandma-ma recalls her past in a series of flashbacks that involves a tortured romance with two characters who look and sound a lot like Cornfed (Petrov) and Duckman (Trigorin) with Russian accents.
Kidney, Popsicle, and Nuts
Duckman needs a new kidney. To get one requires a donation from a blood relative. He searches for his father, who he thought was cryogenically frozen. Instead he discovers that the man he thought was his father, wasn't. Using the power of the Microsoft Network (Blatant Plug!), the twins and Cornfed find where dad is currently living. Duckman and Cornfed travel there, only to find that his is a paranoid schizophrenic who's formed his own country.
The Tami Show
Duckman backs his car into a cute girl in front the house. Finding out that she is on her own, Beverly and the family invite her to stay; however, Beverly becomes the victim when Tami tries to takeover a have a "perfect family."
My Feral Lady
Duckman purchases a mail-order bride, from Tetzloff; however, she's really a jungle savage. With Cornfed's help, they attempt to civilize her a'la My Fair Lady. He asks for her hand in marriage on a "Surprise Proposals" episode of Leeza and things go awry when the flashbulbs go off.
Westward, No!
Cornfed invites Beverly to join him on a trip to his Aunt's catfish ranch. Duckman, jealous of Cornfed's interest in Bev, tags along for the ride. After getting the ranch hands fired, Duckman and the gang must help the foreman, Big Jack McBastard, on the big catfish drive to Texas. On part of their drive involves crossing "Hell's Toilet," where "the days are so hot they can boil your brain and the nights are colder than David Caruso's film career." After Duckman accidentally kills Big Jack, they are on their own.
Short, Plush and Deadly
The family goes on a dream holiday camping trip. At the park, they run into Fluffy and Uranus who are also on holiday. However, Duckman quickly puts them to work and gets himself banished from the campground. He takes Fluffy, Uranus and Cornfed with him off into the woods, but bees sting the accompanying trio. Cornfed's head swells and an allergic reaction causes Fluffy and Uranus to grow to gigantic proportions and become homicidal. Hearing Duckman's screams, Beverly and a reluctant Bernice go to the rescue leaving entertainer Jim Bailey keeps the boys and Grandma-ma entertained.
How to Suck in Business Without Really Trying
Duckman sells his identity to the Variecom corporation for $1000, which he immediately spends. Unable to use his own name or image, he is left penniless. He even tries to become a Duckman impersonator, until he is "downsized." Then he conceives a plan to get his self-respect and identity back. Meanwhile, Cornfed leaves to rejoin the 80's band A Flock of Seagulls.
You've Come the Wrong Way, Baby
Mambo is caught with a cigarette in his mouth; Bernice takes action in Congress. A tobacco company CEO invites her and the family to enjoy the hospitality of the tobacco industry. When Bernice won't change her position, they are put to work picking tobacco. Rescue seems hopeless, until Agnes Delrooney, reveals that she has been hiding out as Grand-ma-ma all this time. She makes an escape, with Duckman handcuffed to her.
Hamlet 2: This Time It's Personal
Cornfed undergoes analysis and relates this tale about Duckman seeing the ghost of his uncle who says that Duckman's father was murdered by King Chicken. Duckman hangs with Bernice and King Chicken while pretending to be crazy. Cornfed realizes that Duckman is living out the plot of "Hamlet," that will eventually lead to Duckman's death.
Das Sub (a.k.a. Class Warfare)
Convicted of fraud, Duckman is sentenced to 5,000 hours of community service. He is sent to a dangerous inner-city high school, located a half a block from his house, where he becomes a substitute teacher and it turns out that his is the most "Dangerous Mind."
Where No Duckman Has Gone Before
In a send-up of the Paramount franchise, Eric Tiberius Duckman, captain of the starship Enterprise matches wits against the evil Khan Chicken.
Four Weddings Inconceivable
At the wedding of Dr. Ben Stein, a series of emotional epiphanies lead to an amazing set of marriage proposals. King Chicken proposes to Bernice. Cornfed proposes to Beverly. Duckman proposes to his new love, King Chicken's ex Honey. After many arguments between the principles, Duckman says he will make all the arrangements, thereby letting everyone blame him. Despite his arrangements, the ceremony goes off with the appropriate hitches, except that Duckman finds out something that Cornfed forgot to tell him.