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Operation Good Guys (1997)
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The Informant
Operation Good Guys has been set up catch notorious villain Smiler McCarthy. Led by DI Beach the group of officers assigned to Operation Good Guys are the most inept bunch of coppers imaginable. When a possible informant on Smiler McCarthy's next move comes forward the men are forced to sit though a session with a punk hair dresser to get the time and place of Smiler's next job. They are told that shoot has been organised and the man involved is a major player. Thinking this could be Smiler McCarthy the Good Guys lie in wait for him to arrive the venue they have been given by the informant. A car arrives and the Good Guys descend on its occupants who turn out to include footballer David Seaman (the major player) who has turned up for a photo shoot. Beach soon finds himself facing a lawsuit from Seaman's solicitors. De Sade meanwhile discovers that the so-called informant is in fact a one Lennie McCarthy, Smiler's cousin. The incident leaves Seaman unable to play in the World Cup and England do very badly without him.
Radio Silence
Beach decides to set up a drugs exchange with two men believed to be connected with Smiler McCarthy. Despite Bones protests, Beach assigns Mark Kemp (the commissioners' nephew) to be the bait and hand over the money. Roy Leyton grudgingly gives Beach the £2000 needed for the exchange despite the fact that funds are low. Mark waits with the money whilst being watched by Bones and Strings who are stationed in the flat of an old lady who rather likes Strings guitar playing (though Bones finds it a pain). Ash meanwhile is lying behind a wall and de Sade and his gang are squashed in a saloon car with the film crew. The two guys arrive and Mark gives them the money despite the fact that Bones told him to ask to see the merchandise before paying up. They now have no drugs and have lost £2000. Bones is furious and demands that he meet the men on the second attempt. Beach agrees but insists that Mark accompany. Bones demands another two grand off Leyton who agrees to meet him with the money at the rendezvous. Again the Good Guys station themselves around the area, Ash in the boot of the saloon car, de Sade and his gang plus the film crew squeezed into a mini. The time is ticking by and Leyton has not arrived with the dough. At the station Leyton reveals to Beach he's lost it. The men arrive and Bones tries to keep them talking but they are interrupted when they hear Ash having a panic attack in the boot of the car. Beach decides to try once more this time he obtains the two grand from his mother's bank account. Again they fail when de Sade sets off a tear gas bomb in the mini and the men who have come for the cash realise they've been set up. They run for it taking Mrs Beach's two grand. DI Beach has a lot of explaining to do.
Frisk 'em
Beach has decided to enlist the help of US cop Lou "Frisk 'em" Ferrino in their latest attempt to nab Smiler McCarthy. When Ferrino arrives he is quick to mock The Good Guys efforts and much to Beach's anger proceeds to take over. He sets up an exchange with Smiler McCarthy of $500,000 for £2,000,000 of counterfeit money. He has placed the money in a bag, which is rigged with aluminium dye, which will explode over Smiler as soon as he opens the bag thereby marking him and pinning this job on him (thus creating grounds for an arrest). The plan backfires when Mark Kemp decides he wants to see half a million dollars as he'll never get the chance again. He opens the bag and covers all the Good Guys (apart from Beach who is in his office telling Ferrino that they are the best in the force). They are forced to use new tactics. They send Gary Barwick rigged with a camera into a pub to meet one of Smiler's men to find out when McCarthy will be taking the fake money. Instead Gary gets drunk and fails. Ferrino angrily storms into the pub and demands the info off the guy at gunpoint. With the information acquired the Good Guys wait outside Smiler McCarthy's house. When no one turns up Ferrino goes mad and goes and takes McCarthy at gunpoint. When Beach goes to talk to him Ferrino takes him hostage too. The Good Guys try to negotiate with Ferrino for Beach's release and even send over a drugged Pizza, which Beach ends up eating. Things are later resolved when they discover Ferrino's gun is empty. Ferrino is taken away whilst McCarthy sues the police.
Holiday
After the problems of the last couple of weeks and everything that has happened, Beach decides to give the Good Guys the day off to recoup. De Sade and the ART decide to give Mark Kemp some training in armed policing. Kim Finch goes out on the pull with her friends and ends up getting arrested. Bones spends most of the day waiting to see a doctor about what turns out to be a double hernia. Gary goes home to deal with his domestic problems with his wife only to get thrown out and find she's killed his fish. Strings goes home to relax and play his guitar and ends up having the police round to charge him with disturbing the peace. Beach and Ash meanwhile decide to have a day out on the town together to take their mind off work and all the stress of Operation Good Guys. Of all the Good Guys de Sade is the most reluctant to let the film crew come home with him. When they later turn up un-announced they find de Sade, Mark and a couple of girls involved in some kinky sex games.
Safe as Houses
Funding for Operation Good Guys hits an all time low. Things are so desperate that the electricity has been cut off at the office. Meanwhile a key witness on Smiler McCarthy has decided to come forward and expose McCarthy on national TV in exchange for police protection. The witness is none other than Mad Frankie Frazer. The Good Guys take him to a safe house or to be more accurate, Kim Finch's house, as they can't get a proper safe house. However his arrival is not much of a secret when the Good Guys put on a welcome party for him. Then later Mark brings his family round to meet Frankie despite the fact no one must know he's there. Back at the office meanwhile Ash is trying in vain to get the electricity going with a portable generator in time for the broadcast. Kim is getting more irritated by the Good Guys constant presence in her house especially because Strings keeps putting his feet on her sofa and Bones keeps blocking up the toilet. This also angers Frankie when Bones offers him a sandwich after he's had his hand down the toilet. A further breach of security occurs when Gary's wife turns up accusing Gary of having an affair with Kim (which he has been but he doesn't admit). The day of the broadcast arrives and power at the office is still down. The crew use their own generator to light Frankie so only his silhouette can be seen. Disaster strikes when during Frankie's live broadcast Ash finally gets the other generator going at last and the main power in the office comes back on and reveals Frankie to the nation and Smiler McCarthy.
Open Day
In an attempt to persuade the Commissioner to give Operation Good Guys more funding Beach organises an Open Day at the office and enlists Christopher Biggins to help them. Biggins puts together a musical performance by Roy Leyton and Kim Finch (although Strings tries to interfere). Strings meanwhile organises a display of de Sade's Armed Response team by staging a fake hold up where he takes Gary and Kim hostage and de Sade and his team step in to save the day. Ash sets up a Smiler McCarthy shire where you throw balls at little cut outs of Smiler McCarthy. Beach and Ash them make cakes for the Open Day and Beach gives a Keith Floyd-like demonstration on how to make a prefect Fairy Cake. Everything seems to be going well until Mark decides to do a display of dog handling with his uncle's (the commissioner's) dog Sherlock. He enlists Bones to help him. Whilst Mark is all for keeping the display simple Bones wants it to be spectacular. They decide to try leaping through a flaming hoop. Unfortunately Sherlock catches on fire and is killed. The Open Day arrives and the Commissioner has a great time he wins a prize on the Smiler McCarthy shire (Sherlock wrapped in black sack) and enjoys the display by de Sade and the ART (despite Gary's wife turning up begging him to come home). Later however, Beach gets a call from the Commissioner. He's NOT happy.
Sylvia La Plage
The funds have gone, the Commissioner has refused to give them further funding. Operation Good Guys has been cancelled. Beach is devastated and at first refuses to accept it. Meanwhile the answer of the dwindling funds is answered when a postcard arrives from Spain. It's from Roy Leyton. He's taken all the funds from Operation Good Guys and done a runner. All the Good Guys are furious. Also Gary is still having problems with his wife whom he has promised Kim he will leave. Beach gives the Good Guys their final debriefing and invites them all out for a drink later. He tells them he has taught them all to be honest with one another and tonight he intends to be fully honest with them. At the Pub that night the Good Guys wait for Beach to arrive when Ash announces the entertainment for the evening, Sylvia la Plage. Out steps a large blonde lady who turns out to be none other than Beach himself - Beach is a cross dresser and he has decided to come clean and be honest about it. He and Ray do a couple of songs together and Beach does some himself. Meanwhile Gary's wife turns up and begins talking about her and Gary's future together. Kim is furious. Gary is forced to admit he has no intention to leave his wife and Kim is forced to admit she's pregnant. Operation Good Guys itself might be over but the Good Guys will return....
Back to School
Following the cancellation of Operation Good Guys, the Commissioner has decided to send Beach and his team back to Hendon for re-training before the Good Guys set off for their new assignment, Operation Zorro. Beach meanwhile after pleading with the BBC bosses has persuaded them to commission a new series of the documentary. He promises them that Operation Zorro will be spectacular. The Good Guys, now back in uniform arrive at Hendon and meet their Staff Sgt (or Staff as he's known). Staff is a tough man and picks on Beach mercilessly and insists on calling him Bitch. Mark meanwhile is appointed as Staff's assistant but only after Staff finds out that Mark is the commissioner's nephew. The Good Guys all have sessions with a therapist and go through rigorous training and Mark loves being able to boss them all about. They split into two teams for a teamwork exercise and Beach and Strings are the captains. Ash is a little surprised when Beach chooses de Sade and Bill Zeebub from the ART and not him. Staff however intervenes and makes de Sade and Bill go with Strings and Bones and Gary go with Beach and then he puts Ash on Beach's team as well. Strings team get through the exercise with no problems. Beach's team are out there until around midnight. Finally their weeks training comes to an end but Beach and the Good Guys decide it's time to rebel. They sneak out of their dorm for a few pints (Even Mark joins them). However they are caught on their return as Gary has had rather to many.
Stardust
Hollywood comes to Hendon in the form of Jude Law and Jonny Lee Miller. Whilst Jude observes Ash and Beach, Jonny is sent out with de Sade and the ART to do observation at the commissioner's house, which is being renovated. However they don't' know they're being filmed so de Sade and Bill set about stripping the house of anything they think they can flog, including all the plumbing which causes a flood and destroys the upper floors. Beach meanwhile tries to demonstrate the art of trailing criminals by trying to trail Jude and Ash. He fails dismally. He then takes Jude home to meet his mother. Bones meanwhile after eating some of his homemade butter goes out vigilante crime fighting with Mark on the underground. Their patrol is cut short when Bones has a severe case of gut rot from his butter and after failing to find a toilet is forced to go to the loo in his rucksack. Later on the streets a thugs runs past them and whips Bones bag. Bones and Mark give chase and arrest him. Bones then hands the bag into the desk sergeant as evidence.
Forensics
The Good Guys begin the next stage of their training, forensics. They are sent to the scene of a sweet shop robbery to look for fingerprints and evidence. Beach and Ray however spend the whole investigation gorging themselves on the sweets and chocolates talking about things like the colour of aniseed balls and the best type of chocolate bar. The investigation is ruined when it turns out that Beach is not wearing gloves and all the prints they have found are his. Plus the robber was wearing gloves anyway. However they do find a blood and hair sample near a broken window. They decide to go to the hospital and knick anyone who has recently been admitted with a cut head. They end up bringing in some quite badly injured people for questioning and Beach is soon convinced they have the man. Not only has he a cut head but he also has a quarter of a pound of cola cubes on him. The lady from the shop however says it's not the right man though Beach is convinced still and believes the forensics will prove it. However this proves a lame duck when they mix up the samples at the lab. Beach decides the Good Guys need to sharpen up their minds so he takes them on a Sherlock Holmes weekend. Beach writes the script and plays Holmes with Ray naturally as Watson. However the weekend proves a disaster, as no one understands Beach's script and two hired actors refuse to come. Beach finishes as a gibbering wreck of tears whilst the others are still mystified by his script.
I Will Survive
The Good Guys are sent on a survival course at Camp Alpha run by a man called Big Jim. They make their way there along a canal in boats and end up facing their first unofficial test. A bunch of kids on the towpath insulting them. Bones gets rid of them by throwing eggs at them but this later backfires when the Dad of one of the boys bombards Beach and Ray's boat and sinks them. The Good Guys eventually reach Camp Alpha and meet Mad Jim who seems to have a rather unhealthy interest in Hitler. Gary feels threatened by Mad Jim and his hatred of black people. Beach tries to calm Gary down but Gary won't be budged. Beach goes to see Mad Jim to ask about his politics. However Mad Jim decides to introduce Ray to his pigs. When Ray emerges from the barn he looks somewhat roughed up. The next morning Mad Jim flattens the Good Guys tents with a tank and then sets up the days exercise. They have to imagine they are tracking down a mean, godless, evil person with no soul. That part will be played by Gary (What a surprise). Gary however has the last laugh when he achieves top marks by avoiding the tank for seven hours. That evening the Good Guys notice a burning cross across the field where they are camping. They go to investigate and they discover a meeting of the Ku Klux Klan led by Mad Jim. Beach goes to put a stop to it only to get attacked whilst the other Good Guys Scarper. Beach catches them up later hotly pursued by guard dogs. The Good Guys escape across a river and reach a bus stop. However Beach is pulled in for having a racist message on his back painted on by Mad Jim.
Viva Espana
Operation Zorro has at last arrived. The Good Guys are making final preparations for the trip to Spain where the Operation will take place. Problems immediately arise when they find their luggage is over weight thanks to Beach's trunk, Strings' guitar and the Commissioner's golf clubs, which Mark Kemp (his nephew) is taking to his villa for him. There are further problems when Beach looks at Ray's nine-year-old passport and notices that the photo shows a younger Ray with more hair than he has now and insists Ray wears a wig to get through Passport control. At the airport later Mark leaves his uncle's clubs unattended and they get blown up. Ray and de Sade end up dropping Beach's trunk on his foot. In desperate need of some pain killers Beach ends up taking de Sade's special forces pain killers only to learn they are very powerful and have weird side effects. He turns over control to Ray just before he starts hallucinating. After a rather disturbed journey thanks to a manic Beach the Good Guys arrive in Spain and try to make contact with the MI6 agent using their secret password (the lyrics to Summer Holiday) which earns a few funny looks from tourists. Beach, who has been left in the sun to sweat out the toxins and is feeling better, makes contact with the Agent who turns out to be none other than their old dodgy accountant Roy Leyton who also owns the hotel they're staying in. Upon their arrival Leyton informs them that their rooms aren't available yet so they are forced to sleep on the sun lounges by the pool. Ray has meanwhile stuck lucky with a lady but unfortunately things go wrong when she finds out he's wearing a wig. This prompts Strings to write The Baldy Song. Convinced they have a hit on their hands Hugo Blick their producer decides to make a video choreographed by Mark.
Operation Zorro
The Good Guys have settled into their rooms at last and are now preparing for Operation Zorro, the reason they have come out here. However the Good Guys despite Beach's insistence that they are not on holiday seem to be spending too much time enjoying themselves. As always things do not go off without a hitch. First Beach ends up lying in the sun too long and severely burns himself, which makes him very grumpy as well as sore. The Operation is put on hold whilst his skin calms down a bit. Meanwhile Bones and Mark decide to try and join in with Spanish culture by indulging in a touch of naturism which results in their being arrested for indecent exposure. They are released on bail for the Operation, which finally takes place. However the promised dramatic Operation turns out to be a simple handover of an envelope. Hugo Blick is really worried about what his bosses at the BBC will say. Beach comes up with a solution, they will shoot a reconstruction, which he will write and direct and they will make it really dramatic. They do this and the result is a really OTT drama with guns and explosions. The BBC is NOT happy and neither is the Commissioner. He suspends them all indefinitely without pay
That's Entertainment
Drug busts are an everyday adventure for a police unit, but how often do they get a chance to do a christmas extravaganza? D.I Beach wants elves, snow and Val Doonican; He gets Denise Van Outen, cocaine and a dwarf with attitude.
Castaway
The BBC see desert island TV as a sure-fire ratings winner. Soon a starving Beach is looking at "fleshy" Bones in a new light, while a resourceful Donna Air is giving Ash some survival tips.
Raging Pig
Leopard skin shorts, big hair-do's, large trouser proturbance... The good guys enter the fight game, while Bones has his wedding tackle adjusted.
The Leader
"I am a policeman 24 hours a day, I am also the chosen one who wears the horns of Hurn." A strange cult has Beach by the short and curlies - and plans to cut them off!
Jubilee
Security is needed when the code-named 'Jubilee Family' visit. For a change, the crap doesn't hit the fan, just the walls, windows, doors....
Operation Snowdrop
A race-relations officer gives the whiter-than-white squad some tips on how to conduct themselves.