South Park (1997)

Terrance & Phillip in "Not Without My Anus"

Terrance must go to Iraq to save his kidnapped daughter. When he comes back Saddam Hussein is planning a hostile takeover of Canada. Terrance and Phillip must now save Canada from the maniacal dictator.

Cartman's Mom is Still a Dirty Slut (2)

Kenny magically reappears, just as Dr. Mephisto is about to reveal who is Cartman's father; but suddenly the lights go down and a shot rings out. Dr. Mephisto has been shot. The narrator asks "Who shot Mephisto?" Mephisto is still alive, but Cartman still doesn't have his answer. The narrator asks "Who will they kill next?" Chef and the boys are driving Mephisto to the hospital when Cartman tells he needs to know this answer. He can't leave anything unfinished, like when you hear the first part of that song "Come Sail Away" by Styx, Cartman has to complete the song. Kyle tries that out on Cartman, who finishes the lyrics to that song in record time. At the mayor's office the citizens want to know what they are going to do with a killer on the loose. The director of "America's Most Wanted" shows up, anxious to recreate the scene of the crime for airing on their program. The narrator asks "Who will the director cast first?" At the Unplanned Parenthood Clinic, Cartman's mother asks for an abortion in the "40th trimester". Since the law won't allow that to occur, it is suggested that she go to see her Congressman to get the law changed. Chef and the boys arrive at the hospital, but Stan, who doesn't like hospitals, sees the conditions there and runs out. The auditions for crime scene recreation are being held, and Mr. Garrison tries out for the role of Mr. Garrison, but loses. Liane Cartman sleeps with her congressman, who suggests that she try the governor. At the hospital, the doctor has done all he can for Mephisto all they can do now is wait. They may have a lot of time on their hands as a snowstorm is hitting South Park. At rehearsals for the crime re-enactment, TV's Eric Roberts has gotten the part of Dr. Mephisto's little friend Kevin. Back at the hospital, the snowstorm has closed the pass and Chef and the boys are trapped there. The doctor and his armless nurse alone attempt to deal with all the trauma patients they've received as a result of the storm. Mephisto is on life support, which should be okay, as long as the power doesn't go out. "America's Most Wanted" starts broadcasting their recreation of the crime, when the power goes out losing their feed to the network and leaving the network to go to their feature movie, which leads the narrator to ask "Who Framed Roger Rabbit?" At the hospital, the power has gone out, but the backup generator will only last about ½ hour. Liane Cartman sleeps with the governor, who suggests that she try the president. Chef and the boys are asked to help out at the hospital, meanwhile at the TV studio everyone is snowed in and trapped "like sailors on a submarine." When hunger sets in, Jimbo suggests that they may have to eat someone to stay alive. The director and the narrator both ask "Who the hell made Jimbo boss anyway?" At the hospital, Stan pukes into an open incision as the light begin to flicker. Cartman and the narrator ask "Who is screwing with the lights?" At the TV studio straws are drawn. Back at the hospital Kenny is drafted to connect up the newly discovered backup generator. At the TV studio hunger has set in and everyone there decides that they must eat Eric Roberts to stay alive. At the TV studio Eric Roberts has been eaten. At the hospital Kenny has almost reached the generator. Back at the TV studio, the director and his assistant have also been eaten. The narrator asks "Who built the pyramids?" Kenny makes the electrical connection restoring power to the hospital at the cost of his life. At the White House Liane Cartman sleeps with the president, who promises to grant her wish to terminate her pregnancy, when she realizes what she really wanted was the other "a" word, adoption. She realizes she should probably just tell her son the truth. Mephisto regains consciousness and tells them that the shooter was probably just his brother, who tries to kill him at least once a month. After the storm, those who remain uneaten in the TV studio finally are able to dig themselves out. Mr. Garrison announces that he is bringing home some "Eric Roberts in a doggie bag." In his hospital bed, Mephisto eventually reveals that Eric Cartman's father is his mother. Liane Cartman is a hermaphrodite. Since hermaphrodites cannot bear children Cartman's mother got another woman pregnant at the drunken barn dance, which leads Cartman and the narrator to ask "Who is Eric Cartman's mother?" Cartman decides to "forget it!" Kenny dies when he's electrocuted while trying to restore electricity to the hospital.

Ike's Wee Wee

Mr. Mackey is suspended, rather fired, when during his drug & alcohol prevention lecture a sample of marijuana he passed around has disappeared. Kyle invites the others to come over to his brother's Bris. Stan discovers what a Bris is, they are going to chop off his wee-wee. The boys try to save Ike's penis from being chopped off. So Kyle takes Ike and puts him on a train to Nebraska and makes a fake Ike out of old bones from the butcher shop and other things. The fake Ike is killed after a dog grabs the body -- rips off its head and takes it into the street, only to be hit by a gasoline tanker truck. When his parents bury the body, Kyle finds out his brother wasn't really his brother after all, he was a baby his parent's adopted from Canada. Kyle no longer cares about his little brother, until he sees that his little brother still cares for him. They find out a Bris means that the penis will look bigger after is completed. Meanwhile an unemployed Mr. Mackey falls into a life of alcohol and drug use, which eventually gets him a trip to the Betty Ford clinic. Kenny dies when he falls into a grave and the tombstone falls and crushes him.

Chickenlover

The magical world of reading comes to South Park. Barbrady is on COPS and the case that he is catches involves a chicken lover. When pressed for finding a solution to the crime, Barbrady threatens the townsfolk with violence for fishing without a license. Frustrated with living his lie that he can't read, Barbrady lets everyone know this terrible secret and he retires from the police force during a press conference about the chicken lover. With no police force, Barbrady was the only officer, the town of South Park plunges into "total anarchy." Looting and pillaging have broken out. Kenny almost dies during the rioting. The mayor demands that Barbrady take a leave of absence to learn to read. Barbrady joins the boys in Mr. Garrison's class. Meanwhile the chicken lover strikes again. Cartman gives his F worthy book report on "The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe," which he never read. His version has hippies. Officer Barbrady gives an A worthy report on "Go Dog Go." At recess the mayor and her staff demand that Barbrady learn to read right away, the chicken lover has struck again. The boys offer their assistance. Cartman is sent to patrol the town, while the other boys help Officer Barbrady to start following a series of reading clues to find the identity of the chicken lover. Cartman pulls over Stan's father and begins to exert his "authoritah" and is shown in a COPS-like segment called CARTMAN. Officer Barbrady is about to give up on reading, when some support from the Kyle and Stan (and Mr. Garrison's lessons) he is able to read the next clue which will take them to the petting zoo. Meanwhile on CARTMAN, Cartman goes to a domestic disturbance at the McKormick household. Cartman exerts his "authoritah" over the Kenny's parents while Kenny and (his brother!?) watch. At the petting zoo, Kenny arrives on the scene and almost dies again, when Officer Barbrady, Stan and Kyle catch the bookmobile driver as the chicken lover. It was all part of the bookmobile driver's plan to get Officer Barbrady to read. Cartman arrives on the scene and starts to exert his "authoritah" on the bookmobile driver, when Officer Barbrady shows him the proper way to exert authority when using a Billy club. Now that Officer Barbrady has learned how to read, the bookmobile driver gives him a copy of "Atlas Shrugged" by Ayn Rand. The town celebrates the return of Officer Barbrady who is glad to be back. Officer Barbrady then tells the town in his speech that he was once happy to be able to learn how to read, but since he's read "Atlas Shrugged" by Ayn Rand he's sorry that he ever learned. Kenny finally dies when a tree falls on him during the phony part of the end credits.

Conjoined Fetus Lady

Kyle is injured playing dodgeball and must go to see the school nurse. He's terrified because of the stories he's heard. When he sees the nurse, she looks fairly normal, except for the dead fetus sticking out the side of her head. Kyle's mother educates the boys on Nurse Gollum's affliction and then decides that everyone in South Park should be made aware of the condition. Meanwhile, the South Park Cows dodgeball team goes to the state, national and finally the international finals in China, thanks to the vicious balls thrown by Pip. Kenny dies when a Chinese thrown dodgeball sends him flying into the back wall.

The Mexican Staring Frog of Southern Sri Lanka

Mr. Garrison assigns the boys an assignment to find out about Vietnam from someone they know. Stan's Uncle Jimbo and his friend Ned tell the boys their outrageous tale of Vietnam. Mr. Garrison doesn't believe the boy's report and gives them a detention. They plot revenge against Stan's uncle, by submitting to them a phony video of the Mexican Staring Frog of Southern Sri Lanka. Meanwhile, Jesus and Pals is suffering in the ratings against Jimbo and Ned's Huntin' and Killin' cable program, especially after the "Staring Frog" so the producer tries changing the format of the show, making it more like Jerry Springer. Kenny dies when two people rip him in half during a taping of Jesus and Pals.

City on the Edge of Forever (a.k.a. Flashbacks)

The children are riding on the school bus during a snowstorm; Cartman is eating a whole chocolate cake by himself. Ms. Crabtree stops the bus and demands that they all keep quiet, or she will shoot the cute little bunny. The road is closed due to an avalanche, so Ms. Crabtree takes the bus down a detour. She is distracted by an expletive Kyle says and the bus plunges over the side of a cliff into a river and over a waterfall. The bus winds up perched on the edge of a cliff. Ms. Crabtree leaves the bus in search of help; meanwhile the children are left dangling over the edge of the cliff, under the threat that a scary monster will eat them. Ms. Crabtree gets a ride from a passing truck driver; she takes one of the driver's aspirin, only it isn't aspirin, it's a "roofy". Meanwhile, back at the cliff, Stan and Kyle reminisce about one of their past adventures, the time where Cartman had an anal probe and everyone got ice cream. Ms. Crabtree and the driver stop at Pauly Shore's Funny Pit!!, where Ms. Crabtree starts shouting abuse at the stage, which breaks everyone up and she becomes a comedy hit. Back at the bus, the kid with a red shirt, a la Star Trek leaves the bus, and is eaten by the scary monster. Back at home the parents are worried about their children. In Denver Ms. Crabtree is brought to see a talent agent, she also believes that she's forgotten something. Back at the bus, the children try to figure out who the scary monster might be. They remember the time met the scary monster called "Skuzzle-butt" that had TV's Brent Musburger for a leg, back when they went hunting with Uncle Jimbo, Ned and everyone got ice cream. Then thinking that he might be a monster they recall the time that Mr. Garrison tried to kill Kathie Lee Gifford and everyone got ice cream. In Los Angeles, Ms. Crabtree asks for another "roofy" just before she makes her appearance on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno. Back in South Park, Mr. Mackey tells the worried parents of the children, that they children may have just run away. On the bus, Kenny reminds them of the time that they were on the run from death. Just then the monster rips the top of the bus off and eats Kenny. Ms. Crabtree is a success, but she chooses to give up her new career. Back at the bus, Cartman reminds them all of the time that Fonzie jumped his motorcycle over a bunch of school buses, killed Kenny and got an ice cream cone. The children wonder what they are going to do. The bus is tipping, but children get it stabilized and recall the time when the kid with the red shirt left the bus and was eaten by the monster and they all got ice cream. On the bus, the children see a news report which features their parents singing out to their runaway children to come home. Cartman remembers the time where he found out that John Elway was his father and he got to eat ice cream. Stan and Kyle remind that his father was his mother and the outraged Cartman moves towards them only to have all the activity send the bus hurtling over the edge of the cliff. In the end it turns out that it was all a dream that Stan was having about Cartman having a nightmare. Kenny dies when the monster takes him from the school bus; however, one of their later recollections tells about how Kenny was killed by Fonzie when in a Happy Days' flashback he jumped a number of buses with his motorcycle, which then crashed into a wall, crushing Kenny. The boys decide that doesn't make sense; but then these deaths never have, they're just funny.

Summer Sucks

School's out for summer and Mr. Hat is missing, sending Mr. Garrison over the edge. The state's ban on the sale of fireworks screws up the boy's and the mayor's plans for the 4th of July celebration. The mayor settles for a snake, but not one of an ordinary size, theirs will be the biggest in the world. Cartman takes swimming lessons, in the community pool where all the first graders usually pee. When the community's snake is lit, the result begins to take over the country. Meanwhile, Chef is vacationing on a tropical island; Mr. Garrison seeks psychiatric help from Dr. Katz and Jimbo and Ned go to Mexico, in an attempt to bring illegal fireworks back to the children of America. Kenny dies when the snake knocks over the bleachers, which fall and crush him.

Chef's Salty Chocolate Balls

The organizers of an independent film festival that has gotten too big for the small mountain town it is being held in (think Park City, Utah) decide they need to move to another small mountain town (enter South Park, Colorado). The moment the film festival banner goes up, the town becomes overcrowded. Mr. Garrison assigns his students the task of going to see one of the independent films and writing a paper on it. Chef has set up a stand to sell his cookies "Fudge ‘Ems", "Fudge This", "Go Fudge Yourself", "I Don't Really Give a Flying Fudge" and "I Just Went and Fudged Your Momma". Stan goes to see an independent film with Wendy and the content is shocking to Stan. Meanwhile in the bathroom, Kyle believes he has heard the call of Mr. Hankey. At the festival, celebrities such as TV's Fred Savage begin to arrive, as the organizers' plans to destroy South Park, like they did Sundance are revealed. With his fudge not selling, Chef changes his recipe over to "Chocolate Salty Balls". Chef sings about his balls as the boys consider going into the sewer, when Kyle again hears the call of Mr. Hankey. The boys navigate the sewer in search of Mr. Hankey. When they find him, Mr. Hankey calls upon them for help; the overcrowding caused by the film festival is having a devastating effect on the sewer system of South Park. The boys interrupt the start of independent film to plead Mr. Hankey's case, but the movie people interpret Kyle's pleading as a pitch and Cartman sells them the rights. In the meantime, the people from LA build a "Hollywood Planet" restaurant on what was the site of the old library. Wendy and Stan go to see another independent film, this one is titled "Me & Mr. Hankey" starring Tom Hanks and a monkey they call "Mr. Hankey". Kyle brings Mr. Hankey to the surface, to try and get his message out. The town, the children and Chef realize that they have sold out. Kyle brings Mr. Hankey to the organizers on to show them a dried-out piece of crap. Mr. Hankey makes a death bed confession to Kyle. At the hospital and on life-support Mr. Hankey barely holds on, but he starts to become energized by one of Chef's "Salty Chocolate Balls". When his pleas aren't heard and thoroughly energized by the Salty Chocolate Balls Mr. Hankey reeks havoc on the film people a la "The Sorcerer's Apprentice" segment of "Fantasia", only with lots of sewage instead of water. Kenny dies when people exiting a movie theater trample him to death.

Chickenpox

Kyle, Stan and Cartman's mother plot to give them all the chickenpox by sending them over to Kenny's for a sleepover. Both Stan and Cartman breakout, but Kyle remains immune. Kyle discovers "the parental conspiracy", and with the other boys, they hire a prostitute to give their parent's herpes. Meanwhile, Kenny's mother and Kyle's mother reunite their husbands who were both childhood friends who drifted apart. Kenny dies from the chickenpox.

Roger Ebert Should Lay Off the Fatty Foods

The kids go on a field trip to the planetarium. Dr. Adams, the guy who runs the place, hypnotizes all the children and tells them all that they love the planetarium and want to volunteer. All of the children except, Cartman, he's snuck out to participate in the Cheesy Poof commercial talent search, where he wins and moves onto the regional competition. An escapee from the planetarium tries to warn about the evils of the planetarium; Mr. Mackey uses a mind meld to get at the meaning of the escapee's message. As usual Stan and Kyle, with Kenny's sacrifice try to get to bottom of the mystery. Meanwhile, Cartman goes to the national competition and wins by default when the other contestants have become volunteers at the planetarium. Of course, so have most of the residents of South Park. He makes the commercial, but winds up saving the day when he gets pissed off and goes to the planetarium because there was no one around to watch his television debut. Kenny dies when his head explodes because Stan and Kyle were playing with buttons and dials while trying to figure out what makes them like the planetarium so much.

Clubhouses

The boys are playing Americans versus Bosnians when Wendy comes over to convince Stan that he needs to build a clubhouse, so that he and Kyle can play "Truth or Dare" with Wendy and her friend Bebe, who really likes Kyle's "hot ass". Stan asks his dad for help in building his clubhouse, but Randy has to deal with Sharon's missing ring and her other issues. Cartman and Kenny find out about Stan and Kyle's clubhouse and decide to build their own. Stan is caught passing a note in class and Mr. Garrison makes him read in front of the class. Since the note was from Bebe to Kyle, the note contains Bebe's extreme interest in Kyle's ass. Stan's parents are brought in to Mr. Mackey's office to deal with Stan's discipline problem. Mr. Mackey turns from being a school guidance counselor to being a marriage counselor for the Marshes. Cartman and Kenny's clubhouse is nearly complete, so Cartman sends Kenny off to find some chicks. At Stan and Kyle's clubhouse the work continues, but they realize they don't know how to play "Truth or Dare", so Stan goes to Chef for advice. Chef gives him a strategy for playing, say "truth" the first couple of times to not appear so eager. Meanwhile, Kenny returns to Cartman's with two runaway teenage girls. Cartman calls Stan to rub it in. Stan wants his father's help with the clubhouse; only his mother tells them that his father is no longer living there as they've gotten a divorce. She introduces Stan to his new stepfather Roy. Stan and Kyle complete their clubhouse, but when Stan goes to get Wendy and Bebe his mother informs him that he must go and see his father, since it is time for his father's visitation rights. A quick visit with his father leaves Stan confused. The girls come to Stan and Kyle's clubhouse for a game of "Truth or Dare". Kyle is asked first and says "dare", only to have to kiss Bebe on the lips, which he finds gross, so he goes running out of the clubhouse. Stan's turn is interrupted by Roy. At Cartman and Kenny's clubhouse, the teenage girls are joined by some teenage boys. Bebe breaks up with Kyle, who was unaware that they were going out. Stan looks for a way to get rid of his stepfather and get his parents back together. He finds some useful advice in a "Fat Abbott" cartoon. Meanwhile at Cartman & Kenny's clubhouse, the place is overrun with teenagers and Randy Marsh. Cartman finds out that he is not going to be able to play "Truth or Dare" with the teenage girls, just as the most pit is formed. Stan is able to get his parents back together talking in his clubhouse as Roy is caught in a bear trap. The girls return to Stan's clubhouse and Stan answers "dare" only to be told to jam a stick up his pee-hole. Meanwhile Roy is still swinging in the bear trap. Kenny dies when he's trampled to death by a group of moshing teenagers.

Cow Days

A couple that hasn't had a vacation in years, wins a trip to South Park, Colorado in time for "Cow Days". When "Cow Days" opens, a memorial statue to the cows of South Park is unveiled. The cows are disinterested in the annual running of the cows instead they become transfixed on the memorial statue and later they relocate the memorial. The citizens of South Park are convinced that the tourists haven stolen their memorial statue. In the meantime, the boys try to win Terrance and Philip dolls from a fixed carnival game. When Kyle gets some money from his mother, Cartman gets them to spend most all of it on cheap carnival rides. To get the money they need to win the dolls, Kyle signs Cartman up for a bull-riding contest. Unfortunately an accident during practice has Cartman believing he is a Vietnamese prostitute named Ming Li. Jimbo, Ned and the FBI find the cows, but the cows decide to commit mass suicide. The town declares "shenanigans" on the cheap carnival and takes their brooms to the workers. Meanwhile, the towns to tourists rot in jail for a crime they didn't commit. Kenny dies when he's speared by the horn of the bull Cartman was riding during the contest.

Chef Aid

Chef hears a song that Cartman can't get out his head and Chef says that he wrote that song over twenty years ago. When Chef and the boys visit the record company, the record company says they are going to sue him. Capitalist Records hires Johnny Cochran, who uses the Chewbacca defense, the same defense that he used in the Simpson trial. "It does not make sense." Chef's found guilty and is fined $2 million or he must spend 4 years in jail. Chef plans to raise the $2 million dollars to hire Johnnie Cochran for himself. The boys appeal to Chef's friends in the music business to try raising the money and Chef prostitutes himself. When they fall short of the goal, Chef is put into jail. The boys start "Chef Aid", and all of Chef's rock friends pitch in. Moved by the music, Johnnie Cochran agrees to take on Chef's case, free of charge. Meanwhile, Mr. Hat is stalking Mr. Garrison and Mr. Twig and Mr. Garrison is put in jail for being crazier than normal. Mr. Hat breaks Garrison and Chef out of jail. Kenny dies when Ozzy Osbourne bites his head off during his act.

Spooky Fish

An imminent alien invasion is thwarted by a tire on Ms. Crabtree's bus. Stan, Kyle and Kenny get off the bus and are met by Cartman, who wasn't at school today and is now sporting a mustache and goatee (and hereafter is known as Evil Cartman). They get creeped out when Evil Cartman is actually nice to them. Sharon Marsh's Aunt Flo makes her monthly 5 day visit, and she has presents for Shelly and Stan. Shelly gets a great stereo system, while Stan's present is a fish; only this fish has a "spooky" look about it. At the bus stop, Stan and Kyle see that Cartman has returned to his old self (no mustache, goatee or anything nice to say; hereafter known as Classic Cartman). Classic Cartman has also begun overusing the word "hella," because he is "hella cool." Stan tries to get to sleep, but his fish starts to freak him out. At the McKormick's home, Evil Cartman delivers the family some supplies to help them get through the storm. Stan really gets freaked out by his fish, especially when the fish sends him the message "KILL." Then the first dead body appears in Stan's room. Stan's mother does her best to protect her son, by hiding the body. The next morning, Stan finds another dead body, which his mother also hides. Kenny brings a squash to the pumpkin carving session that the boys are holding for their entry into the pumpkin carving contest. Classic Cartman complains that the knife they are using is "hella dull," so he leaves to get another one. Evil Cartman returns with a new knife and is exceedingly nice, which the boys find disturbing. Stan hasn't been sleeping well, because of his fish. Classic Cartman arrives at the bus stop, but Stan and Kyle tell him he can't be there, because he is already there. Evil Cartman is standing right next to Kenny. The two Cartmans look each other over. Officer Barbrady stops by the Marsh home and questions Sharon Marsh about some missing people. He is looking in the backyard, when Sharon clubs him over the head and then ties him up pants-less, in the basement. At school, the boys ask Chef for advice about a couple of problems that they have. Stan asks about his goldfish and then Chef sees the two Eric Cartmans. Chef deduces that Evil Cartman is from an evil parallel universe where everything is the opposite of our own universe. Stan figures that his goldfish might also be from that other universe. The boys ask Aunt Flo where she obtained the goldfish from. She tells them it was at the "Indian Burial Ground Pet Store" and she plans to tell the address of that store. The boys turn away for just a minute, when they return they find that Aunt Flo has been murdered. Sharon Marsh comes into the room and immediately takes the body away. While the boys try to figure out where the store is, Stan's fish kills Kenny. Randy Marsh finds his basement door has been locked for reasons unknown to him, meanwhile in the basement Officer Barbrady tries to entertain himself. Mrs. McKormick comes to the Marsh home, looking for Kenny. Sharon tells her that while Kenny was invited over to see Stan's new fish, he never arrived. Evil Cartman arrives to tell Stan and Kyle that he has found the location of the pet store. The boys enter the pet store, only to hear the pet store owner complain that eight other pets have been returned because they've killed people. The boys tell them their theory about the gateway to another dimension, and the owner shows them the doorway that leads to that dimension. Randy Marsh goes into the basement, only to discover that Officer Barbrady is down there. He then goes back upstairs to question his wife. Back at the pet store, Stan just wants to get rid of his fish. As the boys are leaving Evil Cartman suggests to the pet store that he consider moving his store. When they are gone, the doorway to the other dimension opens and an Evil Stan and Kyle appear, looking for their Evil Cartman. Classic Stan and Kyle tell Evil Cartman how much they enjoy having him around, especially since he doesn't say "hella." Classic Cartman is confronted by Evil Stan and Kyle who want to send him back to their universe. He tells them that they want the other Cartman, who he is more than happy to take them to. At the pumpkin carving contest, the boys win with their carved squash. The Evil Stan and Kyle appear and are ready to send their Cartman back, when all "hella" breaks out when the evil pets attack. Classic Stan and Kyle manage to get hold of the bun that will allow them to send the others back to the other dimension. They send back Evil Stan and Kyle and are about to send Classic Cartman back as well, when the two Cartmans struggle and the result leaves them with two Cartmans that they can't tell apart. When one of the Cartmans says something that they don't believe their Cartman would have said they send the other one back. Of course Classic Cartman managed to trick them, so now they must put up with his "hella" comments. Randy Marsh has let the pants-less Officer Barbrady out of the basement. On the scene of the evil pet pandemonium, the still pants-less Officer Barbrady cites "move along people, nothing to see here." Kenny dies when Stan's fish kills him.

Merry Christmas Charlie Manson!

Stan asks permission to go to Cartman's grandmother's house in Nebraska and he is denied. He decides to go anyway. Along the way to Grandma's house, Cartman and his mother sing driving the other boys crazy. They also see a sign for an appearance of Mr. Hankey in a mall near where Cartman's grandmother lives. When he gets to Grandma's house, Cartman hopes to receive a cool present, instead he gets a new shirt. At dinner they meet Cartman's Uncle Howard, live via satellite from the state prison. Later that night the boys hear someone breaking into the house; it is Uncle Howard and another inmate, "Charlie, Charlie Manson." Charlie is ready to enjoy his new freedom but becomes distracted by a Christmas holiday special. The boys want to go to the mall to see Mr. Hankey, but no one in the family will take them. Cartman is asked to keep an eye on his cousin Elvin. Looking for action, Charlie offers to take the boys to the mall. At the "Mall of Nebraska" Kenny goes off with Charlie to a secluded part of the mall. Cartman disciplines his cousin Elvin. Meanwhile, Charlie has become obsessed with holiday specials and takes time out to watch "The Grinchiepoo". Kyle and Stan meet "Mr. Hankey," who Kyle exposes as a fake and a riot breaks out. The boys (and Charlie) escape from the mall when the riot police recognize Charlie. Charlie and the boys get into a televised high speed chase with the police. Charlie gets everyone back to the Cartman house, where he and Uncle Howard hold everyone hostage. Stan's parents arrive and express their disappointment in him. Stan asks to make an escape with Uncle Howard and Charlie and Charlie talks to him about the meaning of family. Charlie has the white flag flown and he surrenders and sings a holiday special like song. In prison Manson shows more remorse and is visited in his cell by the Cartman family and the boys, who all say "Merry Christmas Charlie Manson!" and sing "Hark the Herald Angels Sing" a la A Charlie Brown Christmas Special. Kenny dies when the police shoot him to death, while he is waving the white flag of surrender in front of the Cartman house.

Gnomes (a.k.a. Underpants Gnomes)

Mr. Garrison tells the children that the school board is planning to fire him, unless he gets the children to start learning something about the current events happen in South Park. So he breaks the class up into groups. Stan, Kyle, Cartman, Kenny are joined by a kid (who appears really wired) named Tweek. They don't want him and Tweek feels he can handle the pressure of this project. The source of Tweek being wired might just have to do with the fact that his father owns South Park's gourmet coffee house called Tweek Bros. Tweek's father is visited by a representative from Harbucks Coffee who would like to buy his store. Tweek's father declines their offer and Harbucks plans to open their own store next to Tweek Bros. The boys try to figure out what current event they can write their report about. Tweek suggests that they write their report on the "Underpants Gnomes" that visit him every night and steal his underpants. To prove it, he brings them to his house to see for themselves. When Mr. Tweek hears about the report, he suggests they write their report on corporate takeovers; citing Harbucks plans to try buying out his own store. The boys decline, but Tweek's father get the idea that boys report might be just what he needs. Meanwhile, the boys have all been given coffee, probably for the first time in their lives, and they are bouncing off of the walls. Around 3:25 in the morning, the underpants gnomes haven't yet visited, but the boys get a report from Tweek's father. While the other boys are distracted by his father, Tweek sees the underpants gnomes. Of course, no one believes him. The boys present their report to the committee, but it is obvious to Mr. Garrison (but not the committee) that they didn't write their report. The committee is charged by the boys report and wants to join them in their fight to stop corporate takeovers. Harbucks begins setting up their new store, right next to Tweek Bros. The committee tells Mr. Tweek that they want the boys to present their report to the mayor. At the mayor's office, the mayor proposes that a proposition #10 be added to a ballot, on whether Harbucks can stay in South Park or not. At the same time Tweek witnesses the underpants gnomes collecting more underpants. Mr. Garrison tells the boys they better stick with their report, otherwise Mr. Hat is going to do unspeakable things to them. On Public Access, the boys try to defend their position on "Prop 10." They manage to pull it off when Cartman makes a comment about the corporate douche-bag that the crowd just loves. The committee shows Mr. Tweek a commercial they plan on running that uses the children to exploit their cause. Mrs. Tweek doesn't like the fact that these innocent children are being used to further their cause. Harbucks has their grand opening, but open to group of protesters. They start targeting kids themselves, by using "Camel Joe" to push their coffee. Mr. Tweek tells Harbucks about the pending "Prop 10" vote. Before the vote, the mayor expects Harbucks and the boys to both present their views. Mr. Garrison tells the boys that they better get to work. At Tweek's house, the boys are trying to figure what they are going to say, when they are visited by the underpants gnomes. One of them stops to confront the boys. After Cartman hits him with a stick, the gnome retorts "Is that all you got pussy!" They ask the underpants gnome why he is taking the underpants. He tells them it is their business and he offers to shown them more. Meanwhile, Harbucks decides to abandon their new store. At the underpants gnome's village the boys learn about the gnomes' three phase plan: Collect underpants ? Profit The gnomes still haven't figured out phase 2. The boys are anxious to learn all that the gnomes know about corporate takeovers, even after the gnomes accidentally kill Kenny. The only payment the gnomes want for their information is the boys' underpants. At the "Prop 10" rally, the boys present their revised view on big corporations. They are good, for without them we wouldn't have the things we have today. Even Harbucks at one time was a small business that made really great coffee everyone liked. They confess to not writing their paper, which results in Mr. Garrison being taken away. Mrs. Tweek defends the boy's position and asks the crowd if any of them has ever stopped to even try Harbucks coffee. When they do, they find it's delicious. Harbucks is in South Park to stay and Mr. Tweek is perfectly happy with the money he'll make selling his son into slavery; "just kidding". Kenny dies when one of the gnomes' ore cars filled with underpants crushes him.

Prehistoric Ice Man

After watching "The Crocodile Hunter" the boys decide to go searching for crocodiles. Kyle trips on a stone and slides down a hill and falls into a hole. At the bottom of the hole, Kyle finds he is in a cave. When Stan comes down to rescue him he discovers a prehistoric iceman. Kyle and Stan speculate on what kind of reward they might get for finding the icemen. Somehow, the 4 boys manage to get a man encased in a block of ice out of the hole. Stan decides that iceman's name should be Gorak and Kyle thinks it should be Steve. And so Stan and Kyle begin their fight over who should get the credit for finding the iceman. The town is debating capital punishment, when the boys arrive with the icemen. Dr. Mephisto arrives on the scene and agrees to thaw the iceman. He can't reward the boys, but lets them give the iceman a name. Kyle quickly yells out Steve. Dr. Mephisto starts thawing the iceman and determines that given his clothing, he must be from 1996. Reporters arrive on the scene and Kyle has been given credit for the discovery, much to the chagrin of Stan. Dr. Mephisto is ready to do the autopsy when they realize that the iceman is still alive. Dr. Mephisto (oblivious to the fact that Steve is speaking perfectly good English) seeks out a way to communicate with the thawed iceman. He decides the simple mind of a child will do the trick, so he requests that Officer Barbrady bring one of boys to help. All the boys arrive at the lab, where Stan easily communicates with Steve. Then Steve freaks out when he finds out that he has been frozen for 32 months. Dr. Mephisto gives him a sedative. Kyle blames Stan for causing the freak out and they begin to fight, each claiming to the other that Cartman is now his best friend. Some men arrive and offer to help Dr. Mephisto with his experiments with the iceman. Dr. Mephisto shows them the habit that he and Kevin have setup for the iceman, which duplicates the environment of 1996. The men help Dr. Mephisto raise funds for his experiments by putting the iceman on display. The boys object to the iceman being put on display. Later that night, Stan comes to bust "Gorak" out and Kyle also arrives on the scene with plans to rescue "Steve." Stan and Kyle begin fighting over who is going to do the rescuing; when Stan opens for the door for the iceman whose real name is Larry. Larry leaves the lab while the boys are in the midst of their fight, which ends with them planning to fight at the bus stop the following afternoon. Meanwhile, Larry is out wandering the streets of South Park. Dr. Mephisto and the men discover the iceman's escape and wonder where he might have gone off to. The men realize they will need "special assistance" to find the iceman. Larry arrives at the door of his home and when his wife answers, she doesn't recognize him. She introduces him to current lover and tells him the story of their attempt to rescue him. Larry is dejected and decides that he might as well refreeze himself. Stan is talking to him as he is doing this, when Kyle arrives on the scene, with some information for "Steve." Kyle shows him a brochure for Des Moines, a place that is two years behind the time, just like Larry. Both Kyle and Stan plan to get the iceman to Des Moines and escape just as Dr. Mephisto and the men arrive on the scene. They've brought their specialist with them, "The Crocodile Hunter," who claims he can track anything. Stan and Kyle try to buy Larry a one-way train ticket to Des Moines. The boys pause for a moment to start their fight. "The Crocodile Hunter" is one the trail of iceman, when he gets distracted by the Rocky Mountain rattler. Larry gets his train ticket and thanks Stan and Kyle for their help, telling them what he's learned about friendship, as Stan and Kyle continue to beat the crap out of each other. The train leaves the station as Dr. Mephisto, the men and "The Crocodile Hunter" arrives at the scene. They all go in pursuit of the train and catch up to it. "The Crocodile Hunter" manages to corner Larry and gets his thumb in Larry's butt hole. The men, with aid of a helicopter manage to stop the train. The blades from the helicopter manage to dice and slice "The Crocodile Hunter" quite nicely. Dr. Mephisto and the men search for Larry, who manages to steal the helicopter and escape to Des Moines. The men, who it turns out, were from the government; have to give up on their plans to use the iceman in their plot against Sweden. Kyle and Stan agree to become best friends again as "Crocodile Hunter" Cartman attempts to stick his thumb in the butt hole of a cow. Kenny dies when he pulled underneath the conveyor used for the tourists in the iceman display. As they are in the midst of their fight when this happens, when Stan says his catchphrase "Oh my God, they killed Kenny ," he waits for Kyle's standard response, which doesn't come. Kyle looks at him and says "What? I'm not talking to you."

Rainforest Schmainforest

Miss Stevens is in Mr. Garrison's class recruiting students for a choir tour called "Getting Gay With Kids". They are going to Central America to help to save the Rainforest. Our boys cause trouble and are sent to the office. Kenny has fallen for one of the girls in the choir, so when Mr. Mackey punishes the boys by forcing them to join the choir, he is the only one who is happy about it. The children are on their way to San Jose, Costa Rica. Kenny meets with Kelly, who starts calling him Lenny, Benny and anything other than his name. Miss Stevens also tells Cartman that she plans on changing him; she's got a lot of work ahead of her. Miss Stevens brings the children to much the President of Costa Rica. The President offers them a tour of the Rainforest, but first they do a preview concert. Miss Stevens is dismayed by Kyle's lack of rhythm. On their tour of the Rainforest, the children see the wonders of the Rainforest, which Cartman keeps trying to beat. Their tour guide is killed and eaten by a snake. Miss Stevens and the children are on their own. Kelly tells Kenny that she likes him, which is bad for her, because she doesn't want her heart broken. Outside the Rainforest, Mr. Mackey wonders what has happened to the choir. In the Rainforest, Miss Stevens back is covered by a huge bug. They run into a group of revolutionaries. Miss Stevens tries to entertain the troops. They are going to be sent away, when government troops arrive starting a battle. Miss Stevens and the children are still wandering around the Rainforest. Back in San Jose, the concert is about an hour away from starting. Cartman decides to leave the hippie activist. Cartman finds a crew working on a deforestation project and asks for help. In San Jose, the President stalls for time by telling Polish jokes. Meanwhile Miss Stevens and the remaining children find a group of natives who are intent upon killing them. As they run away the fall victim to quick sand. The natives pull them out and tie them up. They plan on sacrificing Miss Stevens. Miss Stevens changes her mind and decides the rain forest really sucks, just as Cartman and the construction workers arrive to save the day. Miss Stevens and the children are so happy to be saved that they literally change their tune about the Rainforest. Kenny almost dies when he lies to his girlfriend and is struck by lightning. Ironically she revives him, while all Stan and Kyle can do is say their catchphrase and not define who "they" are.

Spontaneous Combustion

The people of South Park, beginning with Kenny, start to spontaneously combust. The mayor assembles a crack team of scientist(s), Randy Marsh, to find a solution. Meanwhile the boys try to help Kyle's dad to get an erection. One way they think they can help is by performing the Stations of the Cross at church; crucifying Cartman and waiting three days for his res-erection. Randy Marsh figures out that the reason everyone is combusting is because they are withholding their farts. Everyone starts farting like crazy, which eventually causes a massive heat wave (due to the methane being released via the farts) and Global Warming (because of said methane). Randy Marsh tells everyone that they should only fart in moderation: that is only when it's necessary or when it's funny. Kenny dies when he is the first to spontaneously combust.

The Succubus (a.k.a. Chef's Mama)

Cartman visits the optometrist, a man who makes fun of Cartman's weight problem, by calling him "Piggy". The optometrist dilates Cartman's pupils and Cartman shows up at school with his eyes wide open. The boys discover that Chef has been replaced by a new character called Mr. Derf, who does his best to entertain them in line. After school the boys go to Chef's home where they find out that Chef had quit his job. Chef has quit his job because he met a woman whose changed his life and helped him to see the error of his ways. The boys decide they need to do something to save Chef. The optometrist prescribes stupid looking glasses for Cartman and then staples to his head to make sure he doesn't take them off. The boys (with a bespectacled Cartman) visit Chef at his new job at an accounting firm. The boys appeal to Chef, but he tells them this is just something they are going to have to learn to deal with. He promises to meet the boys after work to play some ball. The following morning after he didn't show up to play ball, the boys return to his house. Chef tells the boys that he and Veronica are planning to get married. Mr. Garrison tells the children about "The Facts of Life", the TV show, not the real ones. The boys ask Mr. Garrison advice about their problem with Chef. He tells them about the "succubus syndrome", a woman sent from hell to suck the life out of a man. The boys plan to tell the Chef about the succubus, but Cartman is diverted for another trip to the optometrist. At Chef's home, the boys meet Chef's parents. Chef's parents tell them about all the times they saw the Loch Ness monster, who is always asking them for about "tree fiddy" ($3.50). Cartman gets his laser eye surgery, which goes bad, so he must wear bandages over his eyes. Veronica, the succubus, comes to Cartman's home to help the boys understand why she is going to marry Chef. Before she leaves she reveals her true self to the boys and tells them there isn't anything they can do about it. At the rehearsal dinner, Chef's father tells the story about the time the Loch Ness monster impersonated his son. The boys arrive to tell Chef the bad news, Veronica is a succubus. Chef tells the boys to accept the marriage, or get out his life. Stan isn't going to give up. The boys seek a way to destroy the succubus. They learn that if they sing the song of the succubus "There's Got to be a Morning After" backwards they can destroy her. They've got three hours to learn the song. At the church, the boys start to execute their plan, but the tape jams. In the process the succubus reveals itself and kills Kenny. They get the taped restarted and finish singing the song backwards, causing the succubus to disappear. In the aftermath, Chef wonders what he ever saw in her. Back at school, things are back to normal; Chef is back in job and singing. At the optometrist Cartman brings in Kenny's head, hoping to get an eye transplant. Kenny dies when he is attacked after the succubus reveals itself at the church.

Jakovasaurs

The boys are camping at Stark's Pond. Cartman performs his new song "I Hate You Guys". Cartman leaves to go to the bathroom and sees something moving in the trees. Uncle Jimbo and Ned are at home, where Ned is looking for his voice box. The boys stop by to ask for their help tracking the creature that Cartman discovered. They find the creature in Uncle Jimbo's ostrich trap. Jimbo is going to kill it, but Cartman likes it and asks that it be spared. The Department of Interior comes to South Park to take possession of what they identified as a Jakovasaur. They have the idea that they are going to breed it and bring back the species. Another Jakovasaur arrives at Cartman's door, asking for help to find his mate Ju-Ju. Named Jakov, he says that he and his mate are the last of their kind. Cartman agrees to help and while the other boys find Jakov annoying; Cartman finds his klutzy antics amusing. They reunite the pair, but the government finds out. Ned gets a replacement for his voice box, which makes him sound Irish. The Department of the Interior has plans to help the Jakovasaurs mate and repopulate the species. Left on their own, the Jakovasaurs fail to mate, Jakov doesn't know what to do. Since there is no one with experience in the matters, they all go to the South Park Genetic Engineering ranch, where Dr. Mephisto plans to use artificial insemination. Stan wonders if they really want anymore of these things around. Jakov tries to be one of the guys, but only succeeds in being really annoying. The pregnant Jakovasaur gives birth in four days, by shooting out a large litter of children. The new children join the children at South Park Elementary. The Mayor and townsfolk try to figure out what to do about the Jakovasaur problem. They convince them to move to Memphis, but Cartman pleads for them to stay. The Department of Interior bails on South Park, but they leave Cartman with the "authoritah" to control all the wildlife issues surrounding South Park. The Jakovasaurs are shown at home, sitcom style. Jakov is invited by the mayor to appear on a game show to win a trip. Cartman agrees to help prepare him for show. The mayor asks the boys to distract Cartman, while Jakov is appearing on the show. Jakov competes against Officer Barbrady and he immediately starts losing. Meanwhile, Stan and Kyle have brought Cartman out to the woods to classify a new species, which Cartman readily identifies as Kenny with a pair of antlers attached to his head. The mayor forces Jakov into victory, which gives him and his family an all-expense paid one way trip to France. With the Jakovasaurs on their way to France, the town celebrates by getting ice cream. Later in France, the people there are delighted by the Jerry Lewis-like antics of Jakov and his family. Kenny dies when a bear attacks him, while he was trying to help Kyle and Stan distract Cartman.

Tweek vs. Craig

The boys (sans Kenny) take shop class so they won't be sissies. They also let their instructor, Mr. Adler; know that both Tweek and Craig are troublemakers. Meanwhile, over in home economics, Wendy is mad because she wanted shop class and Kenny is delighted because he is in home economics. Is the reason for Kenny's delight that he might be a sissy, or is there just less danger of being killed? For a distraction in their shop class, Cartman bets with Stan and Kyle that Craig will be able to beat Tweek in a fight. They instigate a fight between the two that will take place after school. The shop teacher is having live action daydream about a woman. When Tweek and Craig both go home after school, the boys go their respective houses to instigate the boys. The fight is set again for the following day. Mr. Adler has an unsuccessful date, since he is still obsessing over his live action daydream. The next day the boys hold a press conference for the big fight. When the words begin to fly between our boys, they break out into a fight, while Tweek, Craig, and the other children just sit and watch. In home economics class the teacher instructs the girls and Kenny on tips for the 1st date. In shop class, Mr. Adler keeps having his daydream. After school its time for the big fight, but neither boy really knows what to do. The fight is postponed, while the combatants are trained in the art of fighting. Jimbo and Ned teach Tweek the art of boxing (dirty), while Cartman gets Craig instructed in the fine art of Sumo wrestling. Mr. Adler's dreams continue about the woman who he never got to say goodbye to. In home economics class the teacher instructs the girls and Kenny on nagging tips. The home economics teacher suggests to Kenny (to his horror) that she is going to transfer him to shop class, since his lack of home economic skills won't get him a husband. Its fight time and the boys begin their fight; meanwhile Mr. Adler makes plans to commit suicide using a table saw. Mr. Adler gets distracted from this task, when Kenny transfers into the class and the Tweek and Craig's fight breaks its way into the workshop. The boys' fighting results in Kenny being killed by a circular saw. When Mr. Adler retrieves Kenny's body, he sees in Kenny's face the images of the woman and some of his other dead relatives. At the hospital the children go to visit Tweek and Craig and the boys confess their guilt to them about how they manipulated them into fighting. They proceed to do it to them again, causing Tweek and Craig to get out of their hospital beds and start fighting all over again. Kenny dies when Tweek and Craig's fight knocks him into a circular saw and from there a bucket of nails.

Sexual Harassment Panda

"Sexual Harassment Panda" visits Mr. Garrison's class to educate the children. Cartman sues Stan for sexual harassment using Kyle's dad as his attorney and wins half of Stan's stuff. After winning that case, they go after the school, for $1.3 million in damages. Now the school has to make a few cutbacks. Kyle's dad is getting rich by representing the children and anyone else who feels harassed. The boys go in search of "Sexual Harassment Panda", to try to stop the insanity. Especially when Kyle's Dad represents both sides in the case of "Everyone v. Everyone". They find him at "The Island of Misfit Mascots Commune" and convince him to change his cause. He does and becomes Petey, the "don't sue people" Panda. Kenny dies when he is sucked into a whirling fan blade, courtesy of Jimmy the "don't hold onto a large magnet while someone else uses a fan nearby" Falcon.

Cat Orgy (1)

Cartman's mother is going to Mr. Mackey's meteor shower party, so she gets him a baby-sitter, Stan's 12-year-old sister, Shelly. Shelly invites her 22-year-old boyfriend over and he in turns invites his band. Cartman attempts to prove that Shelly has violated his mother's rules. The two square off, but then join forces and leave the house when Shelly's boyfriend leaves him and she seeks revenge. Meanwhile, the Cartman's cat is in heat, searches for a good time and invites all the cats in the neighborhood back to the empty Cartman house for an orgy. Kenny doesn't die in this episode, because he never appears.

Two Guys Naked in a Hot Tub (2) (a.k.a. Melvins (2))

Stan's parents bring him to Mr. Mackey's meteor shower party, but he gets sent down to the basement to be with the kids that he considers "Melvins" Butters, 1st grader Dougie and Pip. The "Melvins" start dressing up in ladies clothing and start playing "Charlie's Angels," Stan initially refuses to play. "Charlie's Angels" convince Stan to be their Bosley, and he gives them the mission of looking for a way out. Kyle and Stan's fathers experiment with their latent homosexual tendencies, by masturbating in front of each other in the hot tub. Outside Mr. Mackey's house, the ATF is setup convinced that the party-goers are going to commit mass suicide. One of the ATF agents goes to the door of the party and winds up joining the party. The "Angels" and Bosley make it upstairs, where Bosley asks them to get him a TV and some cookies. Randy and Gerald's experiment radically changes the dynamic of their relationship, when Randy wonders if what they've done makes them gay. A couple who leaves the party early is shot to death by the ATF. Bosley and the "Angels" see the TV coverage of the ATF siege around Mr. Mackey's house. The boys try to tell their parents about the ATF. They are listening to them and neither is the ATF. The ATF starts playing a Cher outside the house, just as Mr. Mackey starts his own copy of her new album. Bosley and the "Angels" check the TV coverage and find out what the ATF is up to. They decide they must act before the ATF makes a big mistake. Bosley and the "Angels" make a videotape that they plan to give to the real. Gerald keeps trying to get Randy to talk with him about their experiment. Some more party-goers leave and are shot for their trouble. Butters (Kelly Garrett) is sent out on a rope to deliver the videotape. Butters deliver the tape to the media. Gerald confronts Randy and Randy goes off reveal their secret, but it turns out that every man at the party has done it in front of another guy at one time or another. After the viewing the videotape the reporter almost stops the ATF from doing anything else they'd later regret. Their big gun goes off destroying some nearby houses. Realizing their mistake they quickly pack up and leave. Stan learns that he can get along with "Melvins", that is until Kyle arrives to tell him the unbelievable story of his night. Kenny doesn't die in this episode, because he never appears.

Jewbilee (3)

Kyle invites Kenny to join him (even though he isn't Jewish), Ike and the other Jew Scouts at Jewbilee, a Boy Scout like gathering for Jewish kids; meanwhile his parents are going to attend Mr. Mackey's meteor shower party. At camp, Ike is sent to join the little kids group called "Squirts", where their leader teaches them how to make macaroni pictures. Kyle and Kenny, join the scouts, where they concentrate on soap sculptures. This type of art is key to the Jewish elders celebration of Moses; however, one of the elders plans to turn it into a celebration of Hayman (sp?). Moses identifies Kenny as not being Jewish and Kenny is banished from the camp. Meanwhile, a bear enters the camp and begins to capture all the "Squirts." Kenny dies when (despite being banished) he sacrifices himself trying to rescue Moses.

Korn's Groovy Pirate Ghost Mystery

At the South Park docks, there is a huge Halloween Haunt sponsored by a local radio station and the band Korn is scheduled to make an appearance. While the other boys think about Halloween and its candy, Cartman is already focusing on Christmas being two months away. The 5th graders scare the boys (sans Cartman) with the legend of the pirate ghosts of the South Park docks. They boys decide they need to find a way to scare the 5th graders. The band Korn is en route to South Park to play at Chef's 2nd annual Halloween bash, but are spooked off the road by pirate ghosts. Cartman starts working on the Christmas list and is pissed off when his own mother laughs at the other boy's fat jokes. Stan has come up with a plan to scare the 5th graders; he suggests that they dig up Kyle's recently deceased grandmother. Kyle is against it, but the boys convince. At the graveyard, Cartman is singing Christmas carols, as they dig up Kyle's grandma. The remove her from her coffin and take her down to the docks. At the docks they meet the band Korn, who mention the pirate ghosts; the boys tell them the pirate ghosts are just they 5th graders that they plan on getting back at. Satisfied with that response the band wants to know where the stage is, the boys tell them and then the hide the body of Kyle's grandmother. They don't do a very good job, when a dog finds the body and grabs hold of the head. Kyle's mother finds out that her mother's grave has been defiled; they believe someone is using her body for kinky sex. At the Cartman home, Cartman's mother receives a package, which Cartman believes will be a Christmas present for him, so he opens it. The package contains a life-sized anatomically correct Antonio Banderas blow-up doll. He proudly brings it down to the docks to show off to the other boys, where he meets Kyle dressed as a clown and Stan dressed as a cowboy. Kenny, who historically has always had the worse costumes, arrives dressed as ED-209 from the film "Robocop." Cartman goes to get grandma's body but they find that is gone. At city hall, a press conference is held to warn the citizens about the necrophiliacs, when a pirate ghost and ship appears warning the townspeople to stay away from the docks. The Halloween Haunt is cancelled and Korn is bummed and so are the boys, who tell the band about Kyle's missing grandmother. The band thinks the two events are related and they decide to help the boys solve the mystery. Meanwhile, the townspeople, through the prodding of Priest Maxi decide that the appearance of the band Korn is the reason bad things are happening in South Park. They form a lynch mob to go after the band. Korn and the boys split up to search for clues; meanwhile the angry mob trashes their van. One group sets up the trap for the ghosts, using the Antonio Banderas blow-up doll, while the other group actually encounters a ghost and runs into the trap. The angry mob arrives as the three pirate ghosts appear. Korn uses their special Korn powers which turns them into useless variations of corn. Korn's special friend Nibblet captures the ghost, but the ghosts manage to disappear. Nibblet then finds the real culprit, Priest Maxi. Korn then shows them how Priest Maxi did it. With one mystery solved, the other mystery is solved when a dog appears on the scene and throws up the body of Kyle's grandmother. The townspeople ask Korn to stay and play their Halloween festival. Korn performs a song they wrote for the occasion, as Stan and Kyle scare the 5th graders; Nibblet pops the Antonio Banderas blow-up doll and Wendy wins the costume contest AGAIN with her Chewbacca costume. Kenny dies during the end credits when his Halloween costume is tripped up and destroyed by small rebel fighters a la "The Empire Strikes Back."

Chinpokomon

Cartman learns that he can become "Royal Crown Chinpokomon Master" if he collects all the Chinpokomon. He pleads we his mother to take him to the toy store. At the toy store he finds all the other children there getting their Chinpokomon. The parents are at a loss to explain this new fad that comes from Japan. At the bus stop Cartman tries to trade Chinpokomons with Kenny. Kyle arrives, oblivious to all things Chinpokomon. Kyle goes home and lobbies his parents to give him some money to allow him to join the fad. At the toy store, the owner hears one of the Chinpokomon spewing some anti-American sentiment. Kyle brings his new Chinpokomon to show the guys, who inform him that the dolls are "so last week." They are engrossed in a video game that is encouraging them to blow up Pearl Harbor. The video game causes Kenny to have a seizure. In Japan, the South Park toy store owner goes to the Chinpokomon corporate office to find out the reason behind the Chinpokomon's message. The executives there tell him it must be a mistake, and to divert his attention away they talk about his large American penis. As Cartman and the other children are asleep and dreaming, their Chinpokomon are sending messages back to Japan. At Chinpokomon headquarters, the Japanese are convinced that this time they will take Pearl Harbor. Stan's parents spend sometime trying to figure out what Chinpokomon is all about. Cartman is on the street singing in an effort to raise some money. Kyle arrives on the scene with his Chinpokomon game controller and learns that now everyone is trying to get money so that they can go to Chinpokomon camp. All the boys' parents decide to let them go to camp. At Chinpokomon camp the children learn that the "evil power" is the American government, and then the brainwashing begins. At school, all of the children appear to have finished "Turning Japanese." The parents demand that the mayor take action and the Chinpokomon executives are there to help with their concerns. The Chinpokomon executives divert their attention, by mentioning the size of their large American penises. The executives determine that they need to accelerate their plans. Meanwhile the mayor, who realizes that children are fickle, decides that they just need to come up with a new fad to divert the children's attention. They send their children to a research center where some new toys are shown to them, including "Wild Wacky Action Bike" and "Alabama Man." Both of which the children find totally "gay." The Chinpokomon executives are leading the children through the streets of South Park, marching them in a military fashion. Sharon Marsh hits upon an idea that will get their children to stop liking Chinpokomon. At the White House, President Clinton, addresses the nation about the growing number of Japanese military bases in the US and that fact that the Japanese emperor assures him that he (Clinton) has a very large penis indeed. At the South Park Japanese military base, the children are preparing for their attack on Pearl Harbor, when their parents arrive, with Chinpokomon of their own. The children realize that Chinpokomon are no longer cool, except for Kyle who arrives late. Kenny dies at the end, when his body burst open and rats come crawling out.

Hooked on Monkey Fonics

Cartman's mother buys him "Hooked on Monkey Fonics", where a small monkey on drums keeps a beat helping your child to learn to read and spell. She thinks this will help her son win the 15th Annual South Park Spelling Bee. At the finals, two home schooled children, a brother and sister (Mark and Rebecca) are allowed to participate. When it is Cartman's turn to spell "chair," his monkey doesn't come through for him. The last three contestants are Kyle and the two home schooled children. Kyle gets a really hard word and the home school children win. Kyle becomes intrigued with the home schooled girl. The other boys find out what it means to be home schooled. Back at home, Mark asks his parents if he can attend public school. Kyle tries to see Rebecca, but doesn't know what to say to her, or her to him for that matter. Mark joins Mr. Garrison's class in a giant plastic hamster ball. Cartman leaves class to go home to be home schooled. At recess, Mark is duct-taped to a bench. Outside Rebecca's bedroom window, Kyle serenades her with a song. Her response is to throw money at him. At the local bar, Mark's father goes to meet the fathers of the boys in Mark's grade school class. He appeals to the fathers, but for his efforts he is also duct-taped to a bench. Kyle hears about a dance, the Bay of Pigs Memorial Dance, which he plans to ask Rebecca to come with him. In his second day at school, Mark is duct-taped to another bench. Cartman's home schooling is requiring him to do nothing but sleep in. Kyle is about to ask Rebecca to the dance, when she invites him up to her room. Mark's father wants to pull him out of public school. Mark asks if he can at least go to the dance, he also mentions that his sister is playing doctor with Kyle. Before he leaves, Kyle asks Rebecca if she will go to the dance, although she isn't clear on the concept that he wants to take her to the dance. Back at Cartman's home school, he still hasn't gotten out of bed. Stan and Kenny stop by to get Cartman to come with them to deal with the home schooled kid. Kenny is killed by the monkey as Kyle meets with Rebecca to try to explain love to her. He gets her to agree to a kiss, which she really likes. At the dance, the boys and their fathers both lay out plans to duct-tape Mark and his father to the flagpole and the bleachers. Ronnie James Dio performs at the dance. The boys get ready to duct-tape Mark to the bleachers, when they all see Mark sister arrive. She is dressed like a slut. Mark starts beating the crap out of Kyle, for corrupting his sister. All of sudden Mark is considered cool. Mark's father arrives, stopping the dance. Mark tells his father about the lessons he's learned today and with that he father gives his children permission to attend public school full-time. As the dance resumes, Dio performs, accompanied by the "Hooked on Monkey Phonics" monkey on drums, as Mark's father is duct-taped to the flagpole. Kenny dies when the "Hooked on Monkey Phonics" monkey attacks him, viciously.

Starvin' Marvin in Space!

An alien from the planet Marklar comes to Earth and lands in Africa, only to be savaged to death by lions. Starvin' Marvin leaves his missionary class and comes across the alien spacecraft. He climbs inside and takes off. Meanwhile in South Park, the CIA enters Mr. Garrison's class looking for the boys. The boys are grilled about their knowledge about Starvin' Marvin, who was spotted above China. Marvin lands in Australia looking for a new home for his people. They offer him another missionary. Under torture Cartman tells the CIA where Starvin' Marvin came from. In Africa the CIA meets with Sally "the Hutt" Struthers. The boys search for information about Starvin' Marvin, only to have him come crashing into Cartman's house. Marvin takes the boys for a ride. Back in Africa, the missionary tries to spread the word, while the natives are dying of starvation. In the ship the boys realize that Marvin has looked just about everywhere for a new home. Cartman presses a button which takes the ship into a wormhole that leads to the planet Marklar. The planet is a paradise and the Marklar people friendly and thankful for the return of their ship. The boys ask the Marklars if Marvin can bring his people to their planet. The CIA is questioning Marvin's family, when the boys arrive back on Earth. The CIA wants his ship and the missionaries finding out about Marklar want to spread the word of Christ on Marklar. The government seizes the ship. Meanwhile on CBC (Christian Broadcasting Channel) efforts are underway to raise funds to build a starship. The boys try to outwit the CIA as Marvin loads the ship with his people. The boys join them, but only Kenny is left behind. As the Marklarian ship goes into space it is pursued by a ship built with CBC donations. When the CBC ship's lasers aren't powerful enough, more donations are sought to purchase an argon crystal laser. Meanwhile, the CIA appeals to "Sally the Hutt" for the use of her ship. She does, but only after the CIA gives her collateral in the form of Kenny. The boys figure out how to fire torpedoes at the CBC ship. CBC pleads for more funds to build improved shields. The boys are ready to escape when "Sally the Hutt"'s ship catches them in a tractor beam. Cartman makes a plea to Sally Struthers to let them go and complete the mission that she started, feeding the hungry. They are let go and the CBC ship is placed in a tractor beam. On CBC the plea goes out for more funds to help fight the tractor beam. Cartman finds the right button and the wormhole opens sucking all three ships into it. On the planet Marklar everyone has arrived and are all talking at once. When he is allowed to speak, Kyle sums up the whole Marklar situation and the Ethiopians are allowed to stay, but everyone else must go. Kenny may not be dead, as he was frozen in carbonite (a la Han Solo) by the U.S. government, as a gift to Sally "the Hutt" Struthers.

The Red Badge of Gayness (a.k.a. War)

The boys prepare to participate in South Park's Civil War reenactment. This year's reenactment is sponsored by "Jagerminz S'More Flavored Schnapps". Cartman decides this year that he will fight for the glorious south, dressed as General Lee. Cartman is convinced that the south is going to win this battle, so much so that he bets Kyle and Stan that if the South wins the war, they will have to be his slaves for 1 month and if the north wins, Cartman will be their slave. Kyle and Stan think they have a sure win on their hands, only they underestimate General Cartman Lee, who incites the Confederate soldiers to victory. The "S'More Flavored Schnapps" helps as well. At the reenactment after party, more schnapps is consumed. Cartman finds out that he hasn't yet won his bet, so he incites the others into believing that they can take Topeka. In Topeka, the Confederate army wins. Kyle and Stan receive a message from Cartman, which was delivered by Confederate Messenger Butters. Cartman's message from the battlefield reiterates his hatred for Kyle and Stan. The army works their way across the southern states. In Chattanooga Kenny is killed by the National Guard. Cartman sends a letter home to Mrs. McKormick, which is presented on screen in a style similar to Ken Burn's "Civil War" documentary (as are some other segments). Stan has a plan to stop the war, he gets rid of the schnapps. Sober the next morning, the soldiers plan to return home; until Cartman lays in a fresh supply of schnapps. Drunk again, the soldiers march onto victory in Atlanta, Opelika, Dothan, Orlando, Waycross and then Fort Sumter. The National Guard surrounds the Confederate held fort, but the citizens of the state of South Carolina join the Confederate army. Next stop: Washington, DC. In Washington Cartman sends his demands to President Clinton and mentions some about a videotape with Marisa Tomei. Clinton plans to meet with General Cartman Lee and declare the South winners of the Civil War. Stan's grandfather gives Kyle and Stan a quick history lesson, which results in them reenacting Abraham Lincoln and Jefferson Davis. Jefferson Davis surrenders to Lincoln and the North wins. Cartman must their slave for a month, until Cartman realizes that since the North won the war, slavery is illegal. Kenny dies when a warning flare (shot by the National Guard) hits him. He is the only casualty of this war.

Mr. Hankey's Christmas Classics

A live action newsman announces a feature on "fighting the frizzies" coming up at eleven o'clock. A postman (a la Claus is Coming to Town introduces Mr. Hankey by singing with Mr. Hankey and the children the "Mr. Hankey the Christmas Poo" song. Then Mr. Hankey takes over and introduces more musical segments highlighting songs on the album "Mr. Hankey's Christmas Classics". The artists and songs featured were: Mr. Hankey and Co. singing "Mr. Hankey the Christmas Poo"; Kyle and Co. singing "Dreidel, Dreidel, Dreidel"; Adolf Hitler sings "Oh, Tannenbaum"; Satan sings "Christmas in Hell". In the next segment, the live action newsman reminds us again about "fighting the frizzies" and then Mr. Mackey sings "Carol of the Bells"; Cartman sings "O Holy Night"; Mr. Garrison sings "Merry F*cking Christmas". In the next segment, the live action newsman reminds us again about "fighting the frizzies" and then Shelley Marsh sings "I Saw Three Ships"; Jesus and St. Nick sing a medley of Christmas favorites including Duran Duran's "Rio". In the next segment, the live action newsman reminds yet one more time about "fighting the frizzies" and finally Mr. Hankey and the South Park Children's Choir sing "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas" which includes a nice tribute to the late Mary Kay Bergman. Kenny dies when a chandelier falls on him during the final song.

Are You There God, It's Me Jesus

Cartman is convinced he is going through puberty, since he started bleeding out of his ass. In reality Cartman is suffering from a virus that affects children. People from around the world have gathered outside of Jesus' home in South Park waiting to see what whether or not Jesus will be scared when he sees his shadow. If he is not scared by his shadow, there will be peace and love for the next millennium. Jesus is puzzled by the gathering. When he asks them what they want, they demand to see God. Kenny gets his period too. Jesus talks with his father about making an appearance and is denied. Kyle debates about what to do about getting his period and he decides to fake it. Cartman and Kenny allow him to join their new club for teens who've got their periods, which is based on upon a book owned by Cartman's mother. Stan writes God asking for help with getting his period before the New Year and Jesus does the same with regards to his chance for a comeback with the New Year's spectacle he's planning. Stan still isn't bleeding and keeps praying. Jesus promises a New Year's spectacle, a Rod Stewart comeback concert at the Rio hotel and casino in Las Vegas. The teen club meets and they talk about their periods. Stan seeks advice from Chef, who sings him a song about the menstrual cycle. Jesus meets a very old and incontinent Rod Stewart. Stan gets some hormone pills from Dr. Mephisto. The hormone pills work for Stan and he starts sporting facial hair and his voice begins changing. Kenny dies at a teen club meeting (see below). In Las Vegas, Jesus is worried because everyone believes that God will be making an appearance. Stan wakes up to more facial hair and breasts and his voice is much deeper. The Rod Stewart concert begins and Rod seems barely up to the task. The crowd demands to see God and rushes the stage. A riot begins. Stan and Jesus confer about their discussions with God and Jesus realizes his mistake. As a reward for his realization God makes an appearance. He offers to answer one question and Stan asks his, "Why didn't I get my period". God gives him the answer and ascends back to heaven. Knowing his answer Stan is anxious to celebrate the New Year, while everyone else is annoyed since their question was wasted. God announces he will answer another question in another 2000 years. Kenny dies when the tampon he'd used to control his bleeding remained there for several days and plugged him up until he burst from the "inside-out like a ruptured septic tank". Talk about toxic shock.

Worldwide Recorder Concert

An ad is featured at the beginning of the episode announcing that "POX presents The Musical Event for the New Millennium". Over four million thirds graders are going to gather in Oklahoma City for a recorder concert, featuring the song "My Country ‘tis of Thee", conducted by Yoko Ono and Kenny G. Mr. Garrison has the children of South Park elementary practicing hard so they can sound good. Mr. Mackey brings in news causing a look of horror on Mr. Garrison's face; the event is being moved from Oklahoma City to Arkansas. Mr. Garrison tells Mr. Mackey about his not wanting to go back there and see his father; and Mr. Mackey asks him if there was any history of sexual abuse in his family, which causes Mr. Garrison to break down. Mr. Mackey suggests that Mr. Garrison go to Arkansas and face his demons. On the bus trip, Cartman tries to find the "brown noise", that certain frequency that causes someone to lose bowel control and crap their pants. Mr. Hat verbally abuses Mr. Mackey causing a fight. The children arrive in Arkansas and are put next to a group of children from New York. The New York kids call them queefs and the boys try to look the word up, meanwhile Cartman finds out the "brown noise" is believed to be "92 cent below the lowest octave of E-flat". Mr. Garrison confronts his father about his demons. Mr. Garrison asks his father, why he never sexually abused him as a child. Yoko Ono tries to make herself understood at the recorder rehearsals. Since the boys still don't know what a queef is, they decide to make up their own word to use and will bust the New Yorkers when they claim to know what the word means. The word they decide upon is mung. They bust the New Yorkers, but the New Yorkers tell them that mung is a word, which they define as the stuff that comes out of a pregnant woman when you press on her stomach. Mr. Garrison talks with his mother about his lack of sexual abuse. Cartman plans to ask Kenny G if he can help them find the brown noise. Mr. Mackey talks with Mr. Garrison's father, who finds out what Mr. Garrison's problem really is. While Mr. Mackey doesn't agree with what needs to be done, he asks Mr. Garrison's father if he can just stand by and do nothing to save his son, after all "family is about compromises." Mr. Garrison is going to bed, hoping that his father will molest him. Cartman and Kenny have found the "brown noise". Stan wants to use the "brown noise" against the kids from New York. Mr. Garrison's father talks with his friends at the bar about his son's problem. They offer him no help. The boys plant revised copy of the sheet music on the door of the New York kid's room. A concert official finds the music and scrambles to make more copies. Back at his parent's home, Mr. Garrison is visited in the night by his father. With his demons behind him, Mr. Garrison leaves a happy man. When he's gone, Mr. Garrison's father reveals that Kenny G did the deed for him. The concert event is ready to begin and the boys see their revised music up on the screen. They race towards the front to try and stop the concert, but they don't make it and crap breaks out, all around the world. On their way to leave, the kids from New York tell that they know they were the ones who changed the music and that was "pretty cool". Kenny dies when he "craps himself to death".

The Tooth Fairy's TATS 2000

When Cartman gets 2 dollars from the Tooth Fairy, the boys scheme to stick as many teeth as the can under Cartman's pillow, so they can purchase a new Sega videogame system. After he "loses" 112 teeth, Cartman's mother tells him the truth about the tooth fairy, which he tells the others about. Kyle begins to seek reality, when he discovers that everything his parent's have told him about is a lie. The boys hit upon a scheme where they go to a rich neighborhood and steal the rich kid's tooth fairy money. Unfortunately, they run into a mob, run by Loogie that has the tooth trade market cornered. Meanwhile, one dentist from the ADA, suspects this illegal activity is going on. Kenny dies when he walks in his cement shoes into a part of the Platte River that is actually deep enough to drown him.

Cartman's Silly Hate Crime 2000

The boys are challenged by the girls to a sled race down Phil Collin's hill. When Cartman hits Token with a rock, he gets into a bit of trouble, two weeks detention. The punishment is compounded when the FBI begins an investigation in Cartman's hate crime. Cartman is put on trial, covered by Trial TV, and as an example he is sentenced to Alamosa Maximum Security Juvenile Hall until he is twenty-one years of age. Before he lets them take him away, he goes on the run with Kenny in Kenny's "Go-Go Action Bronco" in a "high speed" chase. The chase ends when the batteries run out just short of the Mexican border. Cartman is then taken to his new home. Prisoner 24601 arrives and learns his new routine and meets his cell mate, Romper Stomper. Back in South Park, the boys search for a replacement for Cartman, so they can win Saturday's sled race against the girls. Clyde is drafted but isn't fat enough. Cartman tries to find his place in the "big house" and if he can get some cigarettes, he will be told how he can break out. When Kenny is killed, during some sledding practice runs, the boys decide to try to break Cartman out. They go to visit him and try to pass him a file. When they find they can't do that, they at least are able to pass him some cigarettes, which Cartman has to hide up his ass. Unfortunately when he removes them from his system, he flushes them at the same time. Stan and Kyle go to see Token to see if he can forgive Cartman, so they can get him released. Token's dad tells them that would be impossible and gives them a lesson on hate crime laws. Back in stir, Cartman passes the "Tic Tac Throw" game he has been hiding in his ass, hoping to be told how he can get out. He finally learns how things work in the big house. Cartman begins crying and his cell mate promises to help him break out. Meanwhile, the "Free Eric Cartman Now" committee (Kyle, Stan and Token) see the governor, and give him their presentation on "Hate Crime Laws – A Savage Hypocracy". Cartman and "Romper Stomper" are on the run outside the big house, when "Romper Stomper" stumbles and falls. The guards catch up with them and give Cartman the news that the governor has pardoned him. Back at Phil Collin's Hill, the boys await the arrival of their anchor man, Cartman. Cartman arrives in the nick of time, his added mass, and help from "Romper Stomper"'s footwear helps lead the boys onto victory against the girls. Cartman returns to the juvenile hall to help "Romper Stomper" achieve his wish of seeing Disneyworld. Fortunately for him, Cartman just happens to have smuggled it in, via his ass. Kenny dies in a sledding accident while they are testing alternatives to make up for the loss of Cartman's weight.

Timmy! 2000

There is a new student in Mr. Garrison's class named Timmy. About the only thing that Timmy can do is say his name, in a somewhat deep and wicked sounding voice, and flail his arms at the same time. Ignorant of the fact that Timmy might be "retarded," Mr. Mackey believes he knows what Timmy's problem is. He believes him to have ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder). Timmy is tested and is diagnosed with ADD, after the doctor reads "The Great Gatsby" to him and he can't answer any questions. Timmy is given Ritalin for his ADD. As a result, Timmy is relieved of the responsibility to do any homework. When the other kids find out, the also claim to have ADD. The doctor tests them by reading them "A Farewell to Arms" and diagnoses the whole bunch of them with ADD. Meanwhile, the "Lords of the Underworld," led by Skyler, are practicing for the battle of the bands. They discover Timmy, who was passing by at the time, and make him their lead vocalist, when the uttering of his name fits in well with their music. The South Pharmacy is overrun with parents getting their children's Ritalin prescriptions filled. Timmy and the "Lords of the Underworld" perform at the battle of the bands. While some are disgusted by what they've seen, many are delighted. The band easily wins the contest and will be opening for Phil Collins at the LaLaPaLaLaPaZa festival. Timmy and the "Lords of the Underworld" have taken the country by storm. Phil Collins (with Oscar in hand) is outraged and plans to put a stop to people laughing at people with disabilities. Cartman and Kenny tell the other boys about how good Ritalin is making them feel. Soon all the boys are on Ritalin and Chef is outraged. MTV News reports that Phil Collins is now going to open for Timmy and the "Lords of the Underworld". Phil Collins (with Oscar in hand) is further outraged by the exportation. He meets with Timmy's parents, who are much like their son. Back at school, Mr. Garrison asks the children to settle down, which is difficult since they are all mellow on Ritalin. Timmy and the band are on tour; Phil Collins (with Oscar in hand) stops Skyler to plant a seed that will get the band to break up. It works, when after the show, Skyler leaves the band. Back in South Park on Ritalin, the boys don't even want to watch Terrance & Philip. Instead they tune over to VH-1, which reports on the break up of Timmy and the "Lords of the Underworld". The boys under the influence of Ritalin agree with the breakup and they decide they are going to go to the Phil Collins concert anyway. Chef tries to teach the parents about a drug free alternative to Ritalin, but he finds out that the parents are taking the Ritalin themselves. He is further outraged when he finds out that the children and all their parents are going to the Phil Collins concert. He goes to the pharmacy and vents his anger. The pharmacists are shocked when they hear about the Phil Collins side-effect. They gather up some of the Ritalin anti-dote, Ritalout which Chef plans on giving the children. Phil Collins (with Oscar in hand) is performing. Chef gives Stan and Kyle and the other children the anti-dote. It works and Stan tells everyone (including Phil Collins) what he learned today about Timmy and his disability. Throughout the crowd, the chant goes out for Timmy. Timmy and the "Lords of the Underworld" rock the house as Phil Collins is body-surfed (with his Oscar shoved up his butt) over the crowd. Kenny dies when Cartman under the influence of Ritalin hits him with a frying pan in Cartman's effort to kill one of the little pink Christina Aguilera bugs, a known side effect of Ritalin.

Quintuplets 2000

The boys' parents' force them to see "Cirque du Cheville" and they are bored until they see the 8-year-old Vladchick Contorting Quintuplets from Romania. When they see how much money the circus makes, the boys start getting ideas. The quintuplets and their grandmother defect from Romania. The boys start staging their own performance, although they blame their inability to contort on Kenny's inability to sing. Stan's grandfather tries to keep his grandson from being gay. The quintuplets and their grandmother wind up staying at the Marsh's home. Kenny starts taking singing lessons from a record. The quintuplet's grandmother contorts on Grandpa Marsh in a night of passion. The next morning Randy discovers what Grandpa did. Meanwhile the boys start practicing contorting with the quintuplets. Randy tells the quintuplets about their grandmother. Stan asks his parent if the quintuplets can stay, mainly to help them with their own version of "Cirque du Cheville." The now guardian-less quintuplets start becoming a media sensation, but the Romanian government decides to take action. Kenny starts taking singing lessons from an instructor who suggests that if he wants to really good he will need to go to a conservatory in Europe. The Romanian government has the quintuplets' father issue a video demand for the return of his daughters. Kenny starts singing on the street to raise money for his trip to Europe. The Romanian government works with Janet Reno to get the quintuplets back. Outside the Marsh home, the protesters and the government have the place surrounded. The government (ours and theirs) want the quintuplets to return home. On Easter Sunday, Janet Reno goes undercover as the Easter Bunny to liberate the quintuplets. Meanwhile, in Romania Kenny auditions for a conservatory that accepts him. Janet Reno with big gun drawn throws a tear gas easter egg into the living causing confusion and mayhem. She then liberates the quintuplets, leaving the Marsh home in ruins. In Romania, Kenny is a hit. Janet Reno and company reunite the quintuplets with their father, although the girls are sad. In Romania, Romanian TV shows a tape of Kenny's father pleading for the return of his son. The boys demand to see the quintuplets and with the angry mob they storm the base. Left with no alternative, one of the quintuplets makes a phone call to the only person who can help them The girls tell everyone what they think of them all and then they get into a limousine marked with the name Oprah on the side. The boys wonder what happened to Kenny. In Romania, the US government swarms in to take Kenny back. Kenny dies when the American government accidentally shoots him when trying to extricate him from Romania.

Cartman Joins NAMBLA

At Kenny's home, the boys are playing the Bill Kurtis Investigative Reports game, when Kenny's parents tell him that they are planning on trying to have another baby. It outrages Cartman who cites a bunch of reason why poor people shouldn't procreate, Stan tells him not to worry about it, since he is only 8 years old. Feeling that he can no longer relate with his friends, Cartman goes online to meet some older friends. He goes into a chat room for "Men Who Like Young Boys" and finds lots of others who are interested in him. He arranges to meet "Tony316." He meets him at a diner. Then the FBI swoops in and arrests "Tony316," which confuses Cartman. Meanwhile, Kenny has nightmares about his parent's plans to have a new baby. Kenny demands to play catch with his father, who concedes to play with him. Kenny manages to hit his father hard in the balls with a baseball. Cartman makes another rendezvous with an older male friend; this one "Hammerhead" turns out to be a shocked Mr. Garrison. The FBI swoops in and arrests him as well. Cartman suspects that the arrival of the FBI is the work of Kyle and Stan. He confronts them with his suspicions, but they don't know anything. At the South Park police department, the members of NAMBLA (North American Man Boy Love Association) show up and demand the release of Mr. Garrison and "Tony316". At the South Park Genetic Engineering ranch Cartman asks Dr. Mephisto if he can genetically engineering for him some older male friends. Dr. Mephisto says he can't but if Cartman would like to come to a meeting of his group NAMBLA, he can meet all the older male friends he wants. At the South Park Inn, NAMBLA is holding their meeting and they decide they need a poster child. Enter Eric Cartman, who fits their needs nicely. Kenny's mother tells him that she is pregnant. Cartman brags about his new friends at NAMBLA and his being their poster child. Kenny poses a girl to purchase some morning after abortion pills, which he plans to give to his mother. His father drinks his noxious concoction instead and starts getting violently ill. Cartman poses for photos and NAMBLA asks him to invite along some other male friends around his age to join them for a big party. He agrees, but plans to make sure that Kyle and Stan aren't included. Kenny sees an ad for a new ride called "The John Denver Experience." After this very violent ride, Kenny and his mom are okay, but his dad has another violent reaction. Cartman tells Kyle and Stan about his party and the fact they can't come. Kenny has more nightmares about the baby and starts taking violent action against his pregnant mother. Cartman is irritated when Kyle and Stan show up at the NAMBLA party in his honor. As the meeting progresses, Kyle and Stan begin to have some doubts as to what they are doing there. In a nearby conference room, Dr. Mephisto is addressing his NAMBLA organization (North American Marlon Brando Look Alike) when the FBI swoops in for a raid. The members of this NAMBLA organization are outraged that the other NAMBLA group is in the same hotel, and by the fact that they've taken their Internet domain. They plan to attack the other NAMBLA, with help from the FBI. Kyle and Stan comment on it being boring to be mature. The members of NAMBLA take their young boys up to their hotel rooms for some after dance activities. In an homage to those films and TV shows of years past, where there is a corridor and a bunch of doors. The boys enter the rooms with their male friends and quickly leave when they realize what is about to happen. The other NAMBLE comes into the hallway, as do the FBI, a waiter, Kenny's mother (followed by Kenny still on the attack) and Kenny's father. Everyone goes into and out of the rooms in a screwball comedic style until the boys realize that one of them needs to "take one for the team" for this to end. They elect Butters, but it is ultimately Kenny's dad who "takes one for the team". Kenny's dad is about to be taken to the hospital in an ambulance, when the leader of NAMBLA tries to tell everyone about the lesson he learned today. Kyle reminds him that he "has sex with children". Kenny is killed by his father's ambulance. Later Kenny's parents have their new baby, which they decide to name Kenny in honor of their late son. Kenny's father comments that this must have happened 50 times before; his mother says no, that it's happened 52 times before. Kenny dies when he is run over by an ambulance.

Cherokee Hair Tampons

Kyle is ill and missing from school, the boys think he's faking it. Mr. Garrison is also missing from school and the boys have fun with the substitute. Due to the previous week's activities regarding sex with small children and his somewhat substantial police record, Mr. Garrison is advised by the school board to take some time off. Kyle needs a kidney transplant, but his mother through the advice of Sharon Marsh seeks alternative holistic treatments from Miss Information, the woman who runs a new age store. Mr Mackey advises Mr. Garrison to use his free time to do something he's always wanted to do. Since Mr. Garrison has always wanted to write a novel and his is allegedly a big fan of poon-tang, Mr Mackey suggests that he write a great romance novel. Miss Information suggest that Kyle start taking a mixture of herbs (lemon juice and cayan pepper) to help his body flush out the toxins making him sick. Mr. Garrison starts to write his penis laden romance novel, but gets writer's block when he encounters a nipple. Miss Information stops by the Broflovski house, to spin some more of her holistic mumbo-jumbo. Stan finds out from the doctor that the only person in South Park who has a kidney that could be transplanted into Kyle is Eric Cartman. Stan brings Kyle over to meet with Cartman, who has a price for his kidney, $10 million. Two "native" Americans stop by Miss Information's shop to get rid of more of their junk, which the new age crazy citizens of South Park are eager to buy. One of the items is a "Cherokee Hair Tampon." Miss Information offers their service as holistic healers to Kyle's mother, who sets an appointment for the following day. Stan sees his friend dying and is beside himself while their parents have new age blinders on. Mr. Garrison starts writing a lesbian love scene in his novel, which quickly gives way to numerous mentions of penises. Stan, Kenny, Butters and Timmy go to Cartman's house, with the plan to take one of Cartman's kidneys. A live action commercial airs for "Cherokee Hair Tampons." Cartman thwarts their plan with a "Kidney Blocker 2000." Mr. Garrison meets with the publishers at Harequin Romances. They aren't interested in his romance novel as it contains the word penis in it 6,083 times and they consider it gay. Stan is depressed about the inevitable loss of his friend; however, Kenny isn't as sympathetic. At the new age shop, the two "native" Americans take one look at Kyle and they of course immediately recommend that Kyle see a real doctor. The citizens of South Park begin trashing the new age store. Stan tricks Cartman into thinking that he has lost his kidney, which gets him to sign a release for one of the two kidneys he still has. Post transplant surgery Kyle is doing much better. Cartman; however, is pissed off that he lost his kidney. Mr. Garrison finds everyone at the hospital and has an announcement to make. He is not going to be their teacher anymore, it seems Harequin Romances after hearing his argument about how women like reading only the penis part of romance novels, must have reconsidered, because they publish the novel "In the Valley of Penises" and it becomes a best seller. Kenny dies when a piano falls on top of him; right after he gets pissed off with Stan, and tells him to screw himself, he's going home. Stan never notices.

Chef Goes Nanners

Chef and Uncle Jimbo are on opposite sides of the issue of South Park's flag, which features 4 white stick figures hanging one black stick figure. The boy's substitute teacher, Mr. Wyland, suggests that the children research this issue so they can be prepared to debate the issue. The boys ask Uncle Jimbo and Ned for some background on the flag. Chef searches for supporters for his cause and everyone just seems to want to avoid the issue. Back at school, Mr. Wyland selects volunteers to lead the pro-change and stay the same positions for the flag debate. Kyle and Stan both volunteer to head up the team for not changing the flag, much to the annoyance of Chef, who has converted to Islam and changed his name to Abdul Mohammed Jabar-Rouf Kareem Ali. Wendy and Cartman head up the side for changing the flag, although Cartman's initial participation is useless. Outside city hall, the protestors have gathered, both for and against. Uncle Jimbo declines help from the KKK (who have Mr. Hand as a member), saying the issue isn't about race, it's about history. The mayor decides to use the children's school debate as a way to disconnect herself politically from the whole flag issue. Wendy tries to do research, but still gets no help from Cartman. Uncle Jimbo decides he has to do something to distract the KKK and keep them from participating in the flag debate. When Cartman finally starts participating in the research for their debate, Wendy finds that it is turning her onto the point of distraction. Uncle Jimbo and Ned infiltrate the KKK and convince them to change their position to the "change the flag" position, assuming that people will vote the opposite way. The KKK goes for it and then they plan their "who's got the silliest thing on under their robe game." When Abdul Mohammed Jabar-Rouf Kareem Ali sees Uncle Jimbo and Ned in their KKK robes, he decides that he's had with this whole "cracker-ass town." Wendy confesses to Bebe of her attraction to Cartman and Bebe tells her it will keep distracting her until she acts on her feelings. The debate starts, but before Wendy can make her first point, she kisses Cartman to regain her composure, which sends Stan into shock. Kyle then makes their point, which angers Abdul Mohammed Jabar-Rouf Kareem Ali; but then he realizes that Stan she's stirred up other feelings in Cartman. Kenny dies when he explodes after eating 60 antacid tablets and then drinking water.

Something You Can Do With Your Finger (a.k.a. Fingerbang)

The boys are in a popular boy group called "Fingerbang"; well they are in Cartman's dream. Seeing it as a message from God, Cartman intends to fulfill his dream. However, since most popular boy bands have five members, the boys need to hold auditions for a fifth member. Randy Marsh is against Stan's participation in any boy band. Wendy wins the audition and joins the band. Despite the fact that they suck, "Fingerbang" tries to get a performance at the mall. They eventually get their gig at the mall and Randy tells Stan the traumatic tale of his brief stint in a boy band called "The Ghetto Ave. Boyz", which upon his return to South Park made him feel humiliated. The band is ready to go on, but Stan hasn't arrived yet. The gig is threatened, since there are only 4 members. Randy comes to terms with his past and allows Stan to participate and make his own mistakes. Stan arrives and the group is set to perform, when the mall elevator tragically crushes Kenny. The show is in jeopardy again, when a former boy band member steps into the spotlight and saves the gig. Kenny dies when the mall's elevator crushes him.

Do the Handicapped Go to Hell? (1)

The boys (less Kyle) attend church and the priest puts the fear of hell in them. So they start attending Sunday school and learn they must be prepared to confess all their sins. Except for Kyle, who because he is Jewish is already going to hell. Butters asks what is going to happen to Timmy, after all he can't confess his sins, he can only say "Timmy!" Scared out of their minds, the boys feel they need to confess all their sins. Seeing Kenny die, they feel an urgency to confess before they die. However, at the church they catch the priest in a compromising position. Feeling that the priest isn't powerful enough to save them, they decide to save themselves. So Cartman begins preaching and promises to lead the children of South Park to salvation. Meanwhile, Satan considers his devotion to Chris versus his desire to get back together with Saddam. Yes, Saddam is back, after all where was he gonna go, Detroit? Kenny dies when he is run over by a bus crossing the street, before he was able to confess his sins. Has he gone to hell? Again? Stay tuned.

Probably (2)

Cartman preaches and the children begin plans to build a church. Satan spends the night with Saddam and tries to reconcile it with Chris. Saddam takes matters into his own hands and eliminates the problem with Chris, or so he thinks, after all, where was he gonna go, Detroit? Meanwhile, Kenny wasn't killed in the previous episode, but the bus that ran him over stops in Mexico, where he is discovered. So Kenny calls home from Mexico, but Cartman and the guys think he is calling from hell. Saddam and Chris continue to kill each other and come back, only causing more stress for Satan, who in his time of crisis turns to God for advice. Cartman starts faith healing and asking for money in his quest to make $10 million. Jesus intercedes and sends Cartman to somewhere worse than hell, Mexico. Kenny, who didn't really die in the previous episode, doesn't die in this part either; so Kenny with these two episodes, you appear to have survived three times!

4th Grade

The children enter 4th grade and decide to immediately take a stand against their new teacher. Their new teacher is named Ms. Choksondik. She is a woman with large breasts and who doesn't wear a bra. Remembering fondly their 3rd grade year, the children seek a way to travel back in time. Two college students that live next door to Kyle offer them a solution using Timmy's wheelchair as the inertia device. The device doesn't appear to work but Timmy can't stop or get out of his wheelchair because of the risk of an explosion. However, when the device's timer runs out, Timmy disappears in time. The children are convinced Timmy is reliving the 3rd grade (in reality he is doing some serious time traveling). They want the college kids to build them another time machine so they can join him, only the college kids are arguing about the number of original "Star Trek" episodes there were. The children work on patching up that relationship. Meanwhile, in an attempt to reach out to her students, Ms. Choksondik demands to see the children's former 3rd grade teacher, Mr. Garrison. No one knows where he is (because they haven't gone to look), they speculate somewhere in the mountains. She finds him living in the mountains like a hermit and seeks his enlightenment, which she does. In addition Mr. Garrison finds his own enlightenment and finally comes to grip with his gayness. He is ready to become a teacher again; only South Park Elementary doesn't hire gay teachers. When Ms. Choksondik begins treating the children the way Mr. Garrison did, the children begin to respect her and are ready to learn. Kenny dies when the SWAT team uses him in an attempt to deactivate the explosives on Timmy's wheelchair.

Trapper Keeper

Despite his 3-year-old age, Ike is at the bus stop with Kyle because "as some kind of genius" he is starting his first day of kindergarten. Kyle is showing Stan and Kenny the features of his new Dawson's Creek trapper keeper, when Cartman arrives with one of his own. Cartman's model of trapper keeper has more features and a better picture of the cast of Dawson's Creek. Cartman refers to Kyle's as a "crapper keeper." On board the bus, the boys meet a new student named "Bill Cosby" who is much older than they are. He is very interested in Cartman's trapper keeper. Ike joins his kindergarten class and is already targeted by a couple of the other students because of his genius level. The new kindergarten teacher is Mr. Garrison, and upon knowing that Ike is in the class he warns the other students that he knows how smart this kid can be and they'd better watch out as he is grading on a curve. In the 4th grade class, Cartman continues to show off his new trapper keeper. Mr. Garrison gets his students to think about electing a class president. A student named Filmore is nominated and despite Ike's protest, Mr. Garrison takes it upon himself to nominate Ike as the competition. At recess Bill Cosby tries to be Cartman's friend and Cartman lets him for $100. Bill Cosby uses the tether ball to knock Cartman over and he steals the trapper keeper. Cartman uses his trapper keeper homing device to go after him. The election for President is a tie, with the deciding vote going to Flora, whose ballot is no good and she is undecided on who to vote for. Her lack of a decision and the split vote causes the two factions in the class to come to blows. Meanwhile, the boys and Officer Barbrady are using the homing device to find Cartman's trapper keeper. Cartman uses Barbrady's squad car to run Bill Cosby down. When the look at the body they see Cosby's arm is filled with electronic circuits. Bill Cosby tells them he is a cyborg from the future and why the trapper keeper must be destroyed. In the year 2004, the trapper keeper will link itself to a network of computers, which it takes over. The network grows and plans to wipe out humanity and take over the world, a la the "Terminator" movies. To save humanity, the trapper keeper must be destroyed. Cartman is asked to give up his trapper keeper, which he does reluctantly. Flora has made her decision, she votes for Ike. Filmore demands numerous recounts, which still result in his loss. Then he demands that the absent kids vote be counted as well. Mr. Garrison gives in a lets the children go home. Bill Cosby tells the boys that he destroyed the trapper keeper, but he is confused because he is still there. The reason, Cartman had his mother buy him another trapper keeper of the same model. Deciding not to listen to reason, Cartman takes his new trapper keeper home. Bill Cosby (in a fit of compassion can't just shoot Cartman (or let Stan do it), so he plans to go and talk with Cartman's mother, to get her to listen to reason. In the kindergarten class, the sick kid is brought in to cast his vote, which is for Filmore. The election is tied again. One of Ike's supporters says that the ballots were misleading. In Filmore's response to her, he mentions that his famous aunt, Rosie O'Donnell is coming to set this election straight. In his bedroom, Cartman's new trapper keeper begins to assimilate everything in the room. Bill Cosby explains to Mrs. Cartman about the trapper keeper, which she understands. He is going to take care of the one in Cartman's room, when Mrs. Cartman insists on giving him a tour of the rest of the house (i.e., her bedroom). In Cartman's room, he is enjoying trapper keeper, when he is assimilated creating a new life form. This new life grows huge and destroys the house, which can no longer contain its mass. Meanwhile, Filmore's aunt arrives and is apprised of the election situation. The trapper keeper heads toward Cheyenne Mountain, where is plans to assimilate with a super computer. Kyle loses a "1-2-3 not it" and has to crawl into one of the life form's ventilation ducts. He gets inside the trapper keeper's brain and plans to remove the CPU a la "2001: A Space Odyssey". For his trouble he starts to get assimilated. Rosie O'Donnell tries to take over running the election, but when Mr. Garrison rebels Rosie threatens to come back with a vengeance. The trapper keeper has taken over Cheyenne Mountain and continues his assimilation. One her way to make good with her threat, Rosie O'Donnell is blocked by the trapper keeper. She gets out of her car and begins complaining, when she is assimilated. The assimilation doesn't sit well with the trapper keeper, which turns green. In this weakened state, Kyle is able to remove the CPU. Meanwhile the lawyers on both sides of the election agree to hold another meeting. Finally tired of the whole thing, Filmore concedes allowing Ike to win and everyone can get back to more normal things like finger painting. Speaking of normal, Cartman is back to his old self, and Stan suggests to him that he says thank you to Kyle for saving his life. Cartman says "Kyle " (cut to end credits). Kenny dies when the assimilated Cartman breaks out of Cartman's room.

Helen Keller! The Musical

The 4th graders are preparing for the play they must put on about Helen Keller. Butters rushes in and tells them that the kindergartener's Thanksgiving play is real good; it's a "Thanksgiving extravaganza". The 4th graders decide to rework their play into a musical and instead of Helen having a dog; she will have a pet turkey. While the others rework the play, Kyle and Timmy obtain a turkey, but the one Timmy picks is not exactly the pick of the litter. Cartman brings in South Park's musical theater expert who is going to help them redo their show. Kyle and Timmy return with their turkey, named Gobbles, and Cartman and the other children are disappointed with their choice. The theatre expert knows of a trained turkey that they can use for the play, meanwhile Timmy tries to train Gobbles. Cartman seeks inspiration from Helen Keller to help him make their play better, meanwhile Timmy and Gobbles are bonding. Rehearsals begin for the musical when the professional turkey arrives. The pro-turkey looks good and everything is coming together for the production, until Timmy and Gobbles arrive. Too placate Timmy; Cartman decides that Helen Keller can have two pet turkeys. The pro-turkey's trainer says that his turkey will not work with other turkeys. The pro-turkey trainer informs Cartman that an "unfortunate accident" is needed to take care of the turkey dilemma. Rehearsals are underway and Cartman stops them for a moment to set up for Gobbles accident, unfortunately is it Kenny who is the victim of the accident. Butters brings an update on the kindergartener's play, they are using special effects. Timmy continues to try and train Gobbles. The pro-turkey trainer takes matters into his own hands and he convinces Timmy that he isn't allowed to keep Gobbles, the animal shelter is coming for Gobbles. To save Gobbles, Timmy must let him go into the wild. Cartman tries to write lyrics for a song in the third act. The musical theatre expert tries a method on him to help stimulate an idea; it doesn't immediately work, but Cartman is eventually hit with an inspiration. Meanwhile, Timmy ponders what the pro-turkey trainer told him as he sets Gobbles free. Other touching scenes of departures in South Park are shown before we go to commercial. The big show is about to begin. Gobbles is out on the road, when he is picked up by a turkey truck and delivered to a slaughterhouse, where Gobbles avoids being killed, but is spotted by hunters, Jimbo, Ned and company. Meanwhile the musical has begun. In an intermission, the pro-turkey performs a trick. Timmy discovers that the pro-turkey trainer has tricked him and he leaves to go and search for Gobbles. With Timmy gone, the musical theatre expert takes on Timmy's part of Helen Keller, although he adds a musical number for himself. Timmy finds Gobbles just as Jimbo is shooting at Gobbles and Timmy is hit by the gunfire. Jimbo asks Timmy how he can make it up to him. Timmy has just the turkey for a target, leaving Gobbles to perform the finale in the ring of fire and the show is great success. The much anticipated kindergarten production goes on next and it is nothing like what Butters made it out to be. Kenny dies when Cartman's attempt to solve the turkey dilemma with a falling stage light hits him instead.

Great Expectations

In this episode of South Park Classics a British Person narrates the story of Pip's origin in Charles Dicken's "Great Expectations". In the story, the ever-optimistic Pip gets a job at the Havesham Estate where he meets Estella, the girl of his dreams. She only spurns his optimism with her insulting tongue. When Pip is offered the opportunity to become a gentleman he goes to London. After several months he returns to the Havesham Estate, where eventually he discovers that Miss Havesham plans to break his heart. Her plan is to use Pip's tears and the tears of other men whose hearts have been broken by Estella to power her Genesis device. The Genesis device will allow her to take over Estella's soul and allow her and her robotic monkeys to take their revenge on the male race. Kenny doesn't die in this episode, as he and the other boys don't appear.

Fat Camp

Ms. Choksondik has the children dissect endangered manatees, which were en route to the Denver Zoo, but accidentally delivered to South Park Elementary. Meanwhile, Cartman is at home, where his mother holds an intervention for his weight problem. She and the others are sending him to "fat camp." For a total of $41, Kenny is challenged by the other children to eat the spleen of one of the manatees. Later when he pukes it up, he is offered even more money to eat his own puke, which he does. Cartman tries to escape from fat camp, but is caught and faced with the prospect that he will not be able to escape. Cartman returns from "fat camp," 40 pounds lighter and he appears on "Jesus and Pals". Kenny also appears and eats dog crap. Jesus calls him a prostitute. The children wonder what that means, so they ask Chef, who with James Taylor, tells them in song and he gets in trouble. Meanwhile, the "slim" Cartman steals food and candy from the cafeteria and elsewhere and brings it to himself at fat camp; where the real Eric Cartman is still located and is as fat as ever. The real Cartman is selling it to the other children at camp. A videotape of some of Kenny's stunts starts getting distributed. From the popularity of the videotape, Kenny popularity is rising as he gets his own television show, "The Krazy Kenny Show". He gives a sensual full body massage to his own grandfather. At fat camp, the counselors are confused since the kids aren't losing any weight. Up next for Kenny's show is a pay-per-view event where he plans to get inside Ms. Crabtree's uterus for six hours. At fat camp, one of the kid's parents comes to take him away, since he isn't losing any weight. The kid almost gives the real Cartman up. Unfortunately the pay-per-view event may have to be postponed when Kenny is arrested in New York City for prostitution when he gives Howard Stern a "hummer" for $10 on the air. In response to that situation the fake Cartman says something out of character and Kyle and Stan discover the truth about Cartman's weight loss. Kyle and Stan use their knowledge about fake Cartman to have him pose as Kenny for their pay-per-view event. Back at fat camp, the other parents come to collect their children, but one of them exposes real Cartman's scheme. The children are welcomed back to fat camp, but not Eric Cartman, who finds solace in a donut. After 6 hours fake Kenny and another unidentified boy are expelled from Ms. Crabtree's uterus. Both are dead. Fake Kenny dies when the pressure inside Ms. Crabtree's uterus was too much. Meanwhile the real Kenny must have survived this episode that is if he could survive in a New York City prison.

The Wacky Molestation Adventure

Cartman has 4 tickets for the "Raging Pussies" concert and Kyle can't go. His parents say that to go, Kyle has to shovel the entire driveway and bring democracy to Cuba. So he writes a letter to Castro and Castro after reading the letter brings democracy to Cuba. Of course even though he completed this impossible task, Kyle's parents still won't let him go to the concert. So Kyle wishes that he didn't have any parents. Cartman suggests that he call the police and tell them that his parents have been "molestering" him, that will make them go away for a while. Kyle does this and the police take his parents away. Kyle and Ike are left on their own. The boys go to the concert and have a party at the Broflovski's. Soon all the children are calling in on their parents and all the adults in South Park are taken away. Before long there are only children populating the town. When a couple from out of town has a breakdown with their car they find the town of South Park divided into Smiley Town and Treasure Cove. The couple is attacked by kindergarteners when the enter Treasure Cove. Driven back to Smiley Town, they are taken to meet the mayor, Cartman. Knowing that "carousel" is going to be held tonight, Cartman asks the couple to go to Treasure Cove and retrieve a book for him. Getting the book will force a member of Treasure Cove to be sacrificed to the provider. The couple finds the book (and Kenny's dead body) at the base of a statue of John Elway (later identified as "The Provider"). They retrieve the book but are attacked. The couple is taken back over to the Treasure Cove side where we find that Stan and Kyle are in charge. They want to know why they are helping the "fat-ass". If the couple agrees to help them out, Stan agrees that he will tell them the story of the "before time," which includes the reasons for the existence of Smiley Town, Treasure Cove, "carousel" and "The Provider". The couple agrees help the Treasure Cove kids get the book from Smiley Town. Meanwhile the parents are at prison, working out their "sick sexual urges" with a counselor who helps them to identify what else there is to do besides molesting their children. Back in "South Park" the man gets Cartman's book for Stan and Kyle, but Mayor Cartman has his wife. Cartman isn't given his book back, so one of his own must be sacrificed and he chooses Butters. When the couple starts to interfere with the ceremony, Cartman threatens him with the "M" word. The man finds out that the children have accused all their parents of molesting them. He tells the kids that their parents, the birth-givers are their providers. The word "parents" triggers memories in the children, which cause them to change their minds. They allow the man to make his important phone call and a phone call to the police, clearing their parents of all wrong doing. The children await the return of their parents, and when they do arrive they are cured of the "sick sexual urges" that they never had. Kenny is already dead when we first see him in the "Logan's Run" / "Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome" world they've turned the town into. Obviously he was an early victim of "carousel."

A Very Crappy Christmas

Kyle and Ike anxiously await the arrival of Mr. Hankey. When he doesn't show, Kyle calls the others for a late night emergency meeting. They seek out Mr. Hankey, who they find living with his alcoholic wife, named Autumn, and their three little nuggets, Cornwallis, Amber and Simon. He informs them that no one seems to be into Christmas. They all decide to try to spread some Christmas cheer. Their effort fails and the boys (getting inspiration from A Charlie Brown Christmas Special) decide to create an animated special of their own. Featuring Jesus, Santa Claus and animated versions of themselves, they will call their special "The Spirit of Christmas". The boys seek a $300 budget from the mayor and Kyle goes to tell the good news to Mr. Hankey. The Hankey family is drafted to get the old drive-in back into shape for the debut of the Christmas special. Butters' has made the cutouts for the animation, but the cutout of him is not going to be needed. Meanwhile, Mr. Hankey tries to inspire the Christmas spirit into his eldest nugget Cornwallis, via his own version of the "The Circle of Life". The boys start recording the dialog for their special and are told by the sound guy when they vary from the script and start cussing each other out that it is very funny. They start to animate their film and after spending several hours of working on one line and the setup of the next scene, the boys are ready to give up and in fact Cartman goes home. The boys need a miracle; in the meantime, the Hankeys have begun their clean-up of the drive-in. One "Need a Miracle" song later and the boys have a completed film, shipped from Korea. At the debut a technical breakdown causes more Christmas depression. Getting the Christmas spirit back from Cornwallis, Mr. Hankey manages to save to the day with the film reminding everyone that the true meaning of Christmas is commercialism and presents. Kenny dies when he is run over by a car while crossing the street. Stan decides they will include his death in the film.

It Hits the Fan

Kyle has four tickets to the "Lion King" on stage, but no one else seems interested in going. Especially after Cartman tells them the TV show "Cop Drama" plans on using the word "shit" for the first time ever on network television. Kyle thinks its stupid, thinking it's not mature to talk about it; meantime the adults are doing nothing but talking about. Kyle tries to find someone interested in seeing "Lion King" with him. With no one interested Kyle finds himself watching the show with everyone else (and everyone else is watching), but he is out of the room when the momentous event occurs. Kyle comments it's no big deal; it is not like it is going to change the world or anything. As he says that, they look outside and see that it is raining frogs. The news report on the groundbreaking broadcast mentions that while 24% thought the show went too far, the other 76% "don't really give a shit". The news also reports a medical alert that some people have caught a strange virus which causes the victims to throw up their intestines. Ms. Choksondik clarifies the school's policy on the use of the word "shit." The children are excited about the ability to now use the word; everyone that is except Kyle, who Cartman cites as "having a little sand in his vagina". Kyle decides he is going to look the word up and discover its origin. Even Mr. Garrison introduces his kindergarten class the proper use of "shit". Everyone is using the wording "shit," while others appearing to be getting deathly ill from that virus. Meanwhile, somewhere high on a mountain top, seven knights wake from a dormant sleep and raise their swords into the air as lightning strikes. Stan and Cartman are now bored with the use of the word "shit" and discuss some alternatives. Kyle arrives with Kenny and Kyle tells them this in his research he discovered the origin of the word "shit." He's traced it back to the time of the Black Death. He wonders if it has something to do with all the people who have been getting ill. They run off to find someone to tell their theory to, while one of the knights can be seen coming out of the "shit" souvenir store. In Hollywood the network is delighted at the ratings they received with "Cop Drama", so they decide they are going to use the word twice on one of their upcoming programs. The boys find Chef and they tell him Kyle's theory about the Black Death. They do more research and discover that reason "shit" is called a curse word, is because the word is cursed. The librarian dies from the Black Death and Kenny is beginning to show signs of it. Armed with this information, Chef and the children go to the network to get them to stop using the word. The network doesn't listen, since they don't have any proof of their guilt. Outside the network building, Chef and the boys are charged by knight that followed them to Hollywood from South Park. The knight tells them to stand aside as he goes into the network's building and confronts the executives. With his rune stone he hopes to expose one of them as Gelden, the bringer of the curse. He is shot by security and falls through a glass window outside to the pavement, where Chef and the boys are still standing. He gives them the rune stone but dies before he can tell them what to do with it. Chef decides they need to go the land of castles, knights and kings; the Excalibur casino in Las Vegas. They are taken to see the sorcerer. Meanwhile the network's "Must Shit TV" has begun. The sorcerer tells Chef and the boys about 14th century knights of standards and practices and that the rune stone will help defeat Gelden when he appears. The knights swoop into the network studio and start to clean things up. The network head says "shit" enough times that Gelden appears in the studio. The knights attempt to fight Gelden, when Kyle arrives with the rune stone and easily defeats him. Kyle, Stan and Cartman make a plea to everyone to begin watching what they say and only use "shit" in extreme circumstances. The network agrees to follow the guidance of the knights of standards and practices. Kenny almost makes it to the end of the episode, when he finally succumbs to the Black Death.

Cripple Fight

The boys, Stan, Cartman, Kenny and Timmy are excited about going to their first night of Scouts and they find that Big Gay Al is the Scout leader, making their father's nervous. Big Gay Al introduces the Scouts to a new Scout with disabilities. Timmy thinks he is being introduced when Little Jimmy arrives on the scene. At a bar near the Scout meeting, Kenny and Stan's dads worry about Big Gay Al's influence on their children, which stirs up anti-gay sentiment. The preacher offers to convert Big Gay Al. Timmy feels threatened when Little Jimmy has a motivational stand up comedy act that makes him popular with the other Scouts, more popular than him. When Stan calls Cartman a "big silly goose" Randy Marsh puts his foot down and demands that Stan call Cartman an "asshole" like a normal kid. Little Jimmy does his stand up act again, this time taking a few shots at people of South Park, including Timmy who's "living a lie". This only serves to irritate Timmy. Meanwhile, with numerous complaints filed against him, Big Gay Al is thrown out of the Scouts and a replacement leader is found. Out on the street, Timmy meets with Little Jimmy and he gives him the gift of an orange parka; but despite wearing a Kenny-like parka Little Jimmy survives a number of near misses. Little Jimmy does more stand up and tries to include Timmy into his act by making him wear a silly hat. Timmy resists and fights back, causing Cartman to shout "Cripple Fight." The new Scout leader comes in and takes over the troop, with his first activity taking naked pictures of the boys, later threatening them if they tell anyone. The boys realize that something is wrong and try to get Big Gay Al to come back, but he won't until the policy changes. The boys start a campaign to allow gays into the Scouts, which worries their parents. At a "Gays in Scouts" rally, Timmy and Little Jimmy get engaged in a vicious "cripple fight", which inadvertently helps drawn attention to their cause. Besides reporting on the rally, the news also mentions that the boy's Scout leader has been arrested as a child molester known as "Mr. Slippy Fist". After what seems like an eternity, the cripple fight finally comes to stop, with both boys passed out; leaving one of the many adult onlookers to finally say "alright boys break it up". The Colorado Supreme Court rules that Big Gay Al should be allowed to return to the Scouts; however, Big Gay Al declines essentially saying that the law shouldn't force the Scouts to accept gays, so he drops his case. Timmy doctors a photo of two naked men, placing Little Jimmy's head on the body of one of the men and gives it to the Scout leader, and since gays aren't allowed in the Scouts, Little Jimmy is thrown out. Kenny dies when a bird swoops down out of the sky and takes him away.

The Super Best Friends

Street magician David Blaine is in South Park performing magic tricks and promoting his workshop. The boys are anxious to sign up and learn magic tricks; instead they are pitched on Blaine-tology and are pitched an opportunity to attend a camp, where they can learn so much more. The workshop and camp are actually a front for a cult. The boys find themselves sucked in; only Stan begins to have second thoughts and tries to leave. He tries to get Kyle to leave with him, but Kyle's been sucked in. Stan leaves, but his friendship with Kyle has been ruined. As Blaine-tologists, Kyle and Cartman go door to door, trying to recruit more members. As an ex-member Stan is being hassled, he goes to seek the help of Jesus. Blaine eats his own head at a performance in Denver, and then Jesus challenges him on stage. Jesus' attempts to match Blaine's magic are primitive at best. He decides he needs to call on his friends, "The Super Best Friends". Meanwhile, back at the camp, Blaine's application for tax-exempt status has been rejected by the government. In retaliation the Blaine-tologists are going to march on Washington, DC and commit a mass suicide. Kyle and Jesus arrive at the Hall of Super Best Friends. Stan meets some of the "Super Best Friends": Buddha, Mohammad, Krishna, Joseph Smith, Lao Tzu and Sea Man. Meanwhile, back at camp, Kyle has second thoughts and considers escaping, but Cartman sells him out. Meanwhile, back at the Hall of Super Best Friends, the "Super Best Friends" and Stan detect the movement of the cult towards Washington and the implication if they actually got tax-exempt status; they would actually become a real religion. In Washington, DC, the cult members plan to drown themselves in the reflecting pool, which is only about 6 inches deep. The "Super Best Friends" and Stan arrive on the scene. Stan looks for Kyle while the "Super Best Friends" take on the cult. Then they must face Blaine himself. Blaine brings the Lincoln Memorial statue to life, forcing the "Super Best Friends" to consult their computer back at base named Moses. Moses recommends that they create a giant stone John Wilkes-Booth to combat Lincoln. Wilkes-Booth shoots Lincoln in the back of the head and Kyle and the other cult members are saved, but when all is said and done, Blaine escapes, promising the "Super Best Friends" that he will be back. Kenny dies when he successfully commits suicide by drowning himself in the 6 inch deep water of the reflecting pool in Washington DC.

Scott Tenorman Must Die

Cartman is excited, since he got his pubes before the other boys. Of course Kyle, Kenny and Stan think he's a dumb ass, since he bought them from 8th grader Scott Tenorman and paid $10. Cartman tries to get his money back, only Scott Tenorman keeps getting the better of him, including sending him to Fort Collins for "Pubefest". Cartman vows to get his revenge. Cartman tries to rally the other kids to help him in his revenge. Cartman has a plan where he trains a pony to bite Scott's wiener off. Stan's Uncle Jimbo gives Cartman advice on how to get back at Scott Tenorman. Find his weakness and exploit that weakness. Under surveillance, Cartman discovers that Scott likes the band Radiohead. Cartman gets Scott downtown, where he plans to show a video of Radiohead saying that "Scott Tenorman isn't cool"; while the crowd sees that, it doesn't go over as big as the video Scott shows of Cartman acting like a little piggy. Cartman works out a master plan for revenge. Cartman's master plan is to combine both of his plans, the wiener biting pony and humiliating Scott in front of Radiohead. Radiohead receives a letter from Cartman, telling them about his friend Scott who has "cancer in his ass" and they decide to come to South Park. Meanwhile, Cartman invites Scott to participate in the "Chili Con Carnival" and Stan warns Scott about the pony. Scott creates a chili filled with pubes. At the carnival Scott reveals his secret ingredient, which Cartman anticipated. He also anticipated Stan & Kyle's betrayal about the pony, which leaves him to reveal the secret ingredient in the chili that Scott is currently eating, a chili called "Mr. & Mrs. Tenorman Chili". Scott breaks down and cries, just as Radiohead arrives calling him "totally not cool" and Cartman has his revenge. Kenny dies from laughter when the video of Cartman acting like a little piggy is shown.

Terrance and Phillip: Behind the Blow

The boys are discouraged when they see yet another Terrance & Phillip rerun. Then a commercial is run for a live appearance that Terrance and Phillip are making and they are all excited. Kyle gets them their tickets and they are all excited about going when they find out that they will all be participating in the "Earth Day Brain Washing Festival" and getting ready for it the night before, during the time that they were going to be at the Terrance and Phillip appearance. So that they won't miss the performance, Kyle promises the organizers of the "Earth Day Brain Washing Festival" that they will get Terrance and Phillip to perform at the festival. When Terrance and Phillip take the stage, Terrance is fat and Phillip is missing. When a fake Phillip takes the stage Stan decides they have to get to the bottom of this. Backstage they sneak into Terrance's room, courtesy of a "female group or random slut." Backstage they find out from Terrance that Phillip left the act to do more serious stuff. The boys ask Terrance that if they can get Phillip back, would he agree to do the show. The "Earth Day Brain Washing Festival" organizers arranging the details for the festival when the boys come back to report that Terrance and Phillip have broken up. The organizers demand that the boys come through on their promise. So the boys travel to Toronto where Phillip is performing "Hamlet". The boys endure the show and then meet with Phillip after the show. Kyle tricks Phillip into coming. At rehearsal the two of them still aren't getting along. Since Terrance and Phillip still are at odds with each other, when their appearance at the festival is scheduled to begin, the audience is treated to the documentary Terrance and Phillip: Behind the Blow. The documentary covers Terrance and Phillip's career from their first fart, to their eventually break-up. As the documentary is running, the boys are on the run from the festival organizers, who are hacking at their limbs, well Kenny's anyway. Out in the festival audience, Terrance and Phillip are both watching the documentary and realizing what they once had. They decide to get back together and the "Earth Day Brain Washing Festival" and our boys are saved. Kenny almost dies when the Earth Day organizers keep hacking his limbs off in their efforts to threaten the children.

Cartmanland

Cartman's grandmother dies; leaving him a $1 million inheritance and the rest of the family gets $14.12 in stocks and bonds to divide amongst themselves. Kyle begins to lose his faith in God, when he sees that Cartman does indeed have $1 million. Cartman now starts to live out the dream he has had since his was 2 years old; he purchases a theme park. The theme park is renamed "Cartmanland" and it is only open for Cartman, so there will be no lines. Kyle wakes up with a hemorrhoid and it really causes him to seriously question his faith, as he who tries to be good is suffering and Cartman who isn't good isn't suffering. In fact Cartman is very happy in his own theme park. After seeing a commercial for "Cartmanland", in which Cartman specifically mentions they are not allowed, Stan and Kyle try to sneak into the park, but Kyle's hemorrhoid causes them to be caught. Cartman hires a security guard, but discovers that he can't pay the guard with free rides. He is going to have to allow two people in the park to pay the guard's salary. Kyle renounces his faith. When a ride breaks down, Cartman has to let two more people into the park so that he can hire a maintenance person. When the maintenance person demands that there be food in the park, Cartman is forced to let even more people in to cover the additional expenses. In disguise, Stan tries to sneak in and is caught. Kyle's parents try to restore Kyle's faith. More people are let into "Cartmanland" and Kyle is fighting his hemorrhoid. Meanwhile on the TV show Money Quest, they are talking about the turnaround of a theme park. Cartman's "you can't come" technique has spawned a new marketing trend being adopted by many other businesses citing Cartman as a marketing genius. Kyle flatlines upon hearing this news; meanwhile Cartman is miserable, since he is no longer alone in his theme park. Cartman wants his $1 million back. Kyle is at death's door and Cartman sells the amusement park back to the original owner and gets his money back, until the IRS and Kenny's family lay claim to his money. Stan brings Kyle to see Cartman's misery, which ensures Kyle's speedy recovery of his health and his faith. Kenny dies when he is impaled by a loose steel beam while riding Cartman's "Mine Shaft" roller coaster.

Proper Condom Use

Cartman (who learned it from the 5th graders) shows Stan and Kyle how to beat-off a dog, while uttering the phrase "Red Rocket." Stan thinks it is so cool he wants to show his parents. His parents as well as their guests get to see the show. Stan gets grounded and his parents try to explain to him why what he did was wrong. Frustrated that they don't know how to speak to their children about sex, the parents of South Park demand that their children get taught sexual education at school. Mr. Mackey, who can't remember how to have sex, tries to teach the boys. Ms. Choksondik teaches the girls about STDs (Sexually Transmitted Diseases) and she scares the girls. The girls are so scared that they demand that the boys wear condoms, before they will even talk to them. So the boys go to the pharmacy to purchase condoms. Mr. Mackey and Ms. Choksondik discuss their lesson plan and their own sexual inadequacies. Now that the boys have condoms, they try to figure out how to wear them. When the faculty believes that the fourth graders have become sexually active, due to the condom purchase, they decide they must educate the lower grades. Chef thinks it's ridiculous. So Mr. Garrison begins teaching his kindergarten students how to put on a condom. Ms. Choksondik teaches the girls about the worst STD of all, pregnancy. While seeing a film showing childbirth, the girls now absolutely scared out of their minds run out of the classroom. Ms. Choksondik spots Mr. Mackey in the hallway and looks at his ass, wondering. The boys finally learn from Mr. Mackey that they can only get an STD from having intercourse with the girls; they don't need to be wearing condoms all the time. Angry at the girls, they go to get rid of them. Mr. Mackey begins thinking about Ms. Choksondik as Mr. Garrison moves his kindergarten students on to their next lesson, which is listing the names of the various sexual positions. The boys find the girls locked up in a stronghold, that looks very much like the stronghold in the "The Road Warrior". From that same movie, Butters tells the girls "to just walk away". Mr. Mackey and Ms. Choksondik discuss their next lesson plan, but they are distracted by each other and they get it on. Meanwhile the boys and girls are fighting and there are numerous explosions which gets everyone's attention. In the aftermath, the children and their parents learn the obligatory lesson from Chef, who sums it all up quite nicely. Sex is something you be learning about from your parents and that you are ready to have sex when you are 17. Kenny dies when a boomerang thrown by Bebe hits him in a sequence taken from "The Road Warrior".

Towelie

After Cartman discovers one of Mrs. Marsh's used sanitary pads in the bathroom, she gets the boys to drop the subject by promising to buy them the new Game Sphere video game console they wanted. While waiting outside for their new game console Kyle mentions that he has to go swimming with his family and may not be able to all weekend. At the mere mention of water, a talking towel appears. The towel, named Towelie, whenever he appears offers the boys some good towel advice and the chance to get high. A talking towel doesn't seem to faze the boys, because once they get the game console in their hands, they go home and play video games from Saturday afternoon until school starts on Monday morning. Kyle even gets out of his trip to the lake. While waiting for the school bus some men stop their car and ask the boys if they have seen talking towel. When the boys ask, "Do you mean Towelie?" the men respond by getting on their radios and calling a code 5 emergency in Park County Colorado. On Monday afternoon when the boys return, they find their game console is gone. Stan receives a call from a mysterious stranger, telling them to bring the towel to the gas station outside of town; otherwise they'll never see their game console again. The boys go in search of Towelie. They find him and drag him to the gas station. There they meet men from TYNACORP who want the towel, but know nothing of the boy's deal for the game console. Then they are all assaulted by the military who are also interested in the towel. A dying man from TYNACORP tells the boys to bring the towel back to their base. The military plans to implement plan B, destroying all towels within a 1000 mile radius. Despite their age and size, the boys are driving a pickup truck to the base where Towelie came from. Towelie tries to get high to tell them how to get there. Stoned, Towelie feels hassled when the boys press him for the base's location. Meanwhile, the military executes plan B. Towelie eventually gets them to TYNACORP. There we learn that Towelie is a RG-400 Smart Towel and that the military wanted to turn him into a weapon of mass destruction. Of course the boys don't care; they only want their game console back. TYNACORP tells them the military has their game sphere and the boys want to know where the military base is so that they get their game console back. TYNACORP wants the boys to get Towelie's TNA back. When Towelie is seen going into TYNACORP, the military plans to execute their next plan, blow up all of Colorado. The boys and Towelie are air-dropped outside the government base. Even after Towelie gets high the boys manage to penetrate the base. They find mutant genetic copies of towels made from Towelie's TNA. The military tells the boys (who still don't care) about their plans for using Towelie's TNA and TYNACORP's plan for world domination. Back at TYNACORP they learn the military's plan to use the boys in a scheme to bring down TYNACORP. So they prepare to unleash the GS-401 super towel. At TYNACORP the boys are given a photon file and a computer disk to bring down TYNACORP's systems. They meet and defeat the super towel (via the photon rifle) and find themselves caught in the middle of the standoff between TYNACORP and the military. They spot their game console and begin playing their game from where they left off, oblivious to all that is going on behind them; the military revealing their plans and the head of TYNACORP being an alien. A battle begins and the building begins to explode. Towelie has to decide between saving the boy's lives or get high. He manages to do both and the boys return to South Park and their game console. Towelie is dubbed by Cartman as the "worst character ever". Kenny dies when he falls into a vat of hot liquid.

Osama Bin Laden Has Farty Pants

Its two months after the terrorist attacks on the United States and Kyle remarks to the others about when life used to be "simple and cool" and Butters is worried about getting the "thrax". At school Mrs. Choksondik gets the children to follow the president's directive and send a dollar to children in Afghanistan, only Cartman lodges a protest. In Afghanistan, amidst the bombing, 4 children (who bear a striking resemble to our boys in South Park) each receive a dollar. Stan's mother has been watching CNN for 8 weeks straight and only gets off the couch after she and Randy realize that Stan has received a large brown package from Afghanistan. The federal authorities come to the Marsh home to open the package. The content of the package is revealed to be a goat, which is determined to be disease free. With nowhere to keep it, the boys decide to send the goat back to Afghanistan. The post office recommends the boys take the goat over to the base. After the boys suffer through a visit from Towelie that ends with a bad pun, they try to get the goat on board a military aircraft. They are caught by a guard who mistakes the sound the goat makes for the sound of Stevie Nicks, who is going to be performing at a USO show in Afghanistan. Once past the guard the boys put the goat on the plane but soon find themselves trapped on board, bound for Afghanistan with a goat and a farting Cartman. In Afghanistan the boys bring the goat back to what's left of the house where the goat was sent from. They meet their Afghan counterparts and try to understand why their counterparts hate Americans. While returning to the base, the boys are captured by terrorists (an attempt to be Canadian doesn't work, Cartman won't have it). They are taken to the cave of Osama Bin Laden, who broadcasts the fact that he has captured American hostages: Stevie Nicks and four children. With Stevie Nicks captured, the military gets mobilized. The boys' Afghan counterparts, realizing our boys are innocent, decide to rescue them. At Bin Laden's camp, the battle rages on and the boys are rescued by their counterparts. Only Cartman stays behind to take care of the Bin Laden. Cartman deals with Bin Laden in sequences that pay tribute to the Warner Bros. cartoons featuring Bugs Bunny (Cartman) vs. Elmer Fudd (Bin Laden). Meanwhile Stan and Kyle still struggle to understand the differences between themselves and their Afghan counterparts. With Bin Laden defeated, thanks in large part to Cartman, Fleetwood Mac (with goat Stevie Nicks) takes the stage to entertain the troops. Kenny and his Afghan counterpart die when they are hit by a hail of helicopter gunfire exiting Bin Laden's cave.

How to Eat With Your Butt

Its school picture time and Cartman takes great delight when Kenny poses for his school photo by wearing his parka backwards and having his ass stick out where his face should be. Butters is in trouble with his parents for looking stupid in his photo. When the photo comes out, Cartman pulls off what he thinks might be the funniest thing he has ever done, he gets the photo put on a milk carton as that of a missing child, with "blonde hair and a brown eye," and full rosy cheeks. The milk carton comes out right away and Cartman is beside himself with laughter. The photo hits home in Wisconsin, when a couple believes that the photo might be of their long lost son. The couple from Wisconsin comes to South Park to see if they can find their son. The couple suffers from TPS (Tarsonic Polarity Syndrome; "buttocks where their heads should be"). Cartman has been laughing non-stop since the milk carton was published and brings Stan and Kyle over when he is told the couple from Wisconsin wants to meet him to discover information what information he may know about the whereabouts of their missing son. When Cartman meets the TPS afflicted Thompsons he suddenly loses his sense of humor; he finds that he is no longer able to laugh and he later claims to have blown his funny fuse. Meanwhile the Thompsons have been sent to Kenny's house. Kyle and Stan bring the other boys (sans Butters who is grounded for his stupid face) to see the Thompsons. Meanwhile, Cartman seeks counseling from Mr. Mackey to try to restore his sense of humor. The Thompsons find out about the prank. The South Park Milk Company, the largest milk company in the country, offers the power of their computer's database to help them find their missing child. Outside the McKormick house, the living room window fills with people trying to get a look at the Thompsons. Cartman tries to see a funny movie to restore his sense of humor, with no avail. The milk company computer starts running his search. Cartman listens to some of Jimmy the crippled comic's routine, still to no avail. The computer finds someone in its database that is the Thompson's missing child. Butters' is still grounded. Cartman writes his mother what might be construed as a suicide note, when in fact it is just a note telling her why he won't be going to school. Without his sense of humor he just doesn't feel he can make it. The milk company reunites the Thompsons with their long lost son whose also afflicted with TPS, Ben Affleck and with that news Cartman's sense of humor finally returns. Kenny dies crossing the street when he is struck by the motorcycle that was reported as running over other residents of South Park.

The Entity (a.k.a. The Ginger Device)

The Broflovski's await the arrival of Kyle's cousin from Connecticut who is also named Kyle. As a result, Kyle's mother starts calling him Kyle 2 and the cousin is just known as Kyle. Mr. Garrison gets fed up with airlines and decides to do something about it. Kyle 2 realizes that when his stereotypically Jewish cousin Kyle meets his friends and Cartman he is going have trouble. He tries bribing Cartman with $40 to be nice, but it doesn't last for long. Mr. Hand's offhand comment about Enrique Iglesias' gyrating ass, gives Mr. Garrison an idea for his new form of transportation, IT. High power investor's arrive to see what Garrison's invention is all about. Kyle 2 tries to teach Kyle about sports and Cartman tries to talk his way out of the concentration camp comment he made in class about Kyle. Mr. Garrison unveils IT to the investors, including Kyle. IT is a gyroscopic cycle that requires the rider to use four flexi-grip handles. Two of the handles the rider holds onto with their hand, another requires the user to place their mouth over to operate the turn signals and the last one require the rider to insert into their anus, so that they can be held in place. Kyle 2 is worried that his stereotypical cousin is going to give Jews a bad name in South Park, so he and the others try various schemes to send him back to Connecticut. IT becomes a hit with public, so much so that the airline industry starts hurting and the government steps in, making IT illegal. Kyle returns from the latest attempt by Kyle 2 and the others to get rid of him, to receive $5 million as a bail out for his IT investment. Suddenly the boys try to think of the lesson that they learned that can then use to keep him around. Kenny dies when airport security finds his toe nail clipper and shoots him for being a terrorist.

Here Comes the Neighborhood

The children present their school projects. When Token makes his presentation, the other children hassle him for being rich. When Token goes home he indicates that he wants to be just like the other children and his parents humor him by taking him to J Mart. He tries hard to fit in, but gives up and tries a different approach; he sells other rich people on the idea of living in South Park. The first family to move there is Will Smith, Jada Pinkett and their family. Will calls a few friends (Snoop Dog, Bill Cosby, Oprah and others) and soon they all move into South Park. The poorer citizens of South Park begin to fight back; one attempt has them burning a lower case "T" in the front yard of Kobe Bryant. Token becomes disenchanted with his new rich friends when he realizes he doesn't fit in with them either. The rich are forced to sit in the front of the bus. Trying to fit in somewhere, Token moves in with the lions at the zoo. Meanwhile the South Park millionaires start a "million millionaire march" on city hall. To spook the rich out of South Park, Mr. Garrison suggests that they dress in white sheets. Token leaves the lions and goes home realizing that he likes his old friends the best. At city hall the "spooks" scare the rich, who very quickly leave South Park. Token runs into the boys who will no longer rip on him for being rich, now they'll call him a "pussy". Kenny dies when he gets trampled by the rich kids playing polo.

Kenny Dies

A truck carrying aborted fetuses for research goes over the side of a mountain. A passing Eric Cartman takes possession of the cargo. With all the recent talk about stem cell research he plans to sell them for a lot of money. Meanwhile the other boys are lighting cow crap on fire and Kenny shows signs of an illness. Cartman tells the others of his plans. Cartman tries selling his fetuses, but when the government changes the rules, Cartman is out of the money. Back at school, Stan and Kyle are called out of class to see the principal. In the office Mr. Mackey, Chef, Principal Victoria and their parents tell them about Kenny's terminal illness. Stan and Kyle tell Cartman about Kenny and they all go to visit him. Stan has a problem seeing Kenny in the hospital. Cartman promises to find a cure for Kenny. Kyle sees him crying. Cartman goes to one of his possible clients to learn everything he can about stem cell research and he learns that stem cells can replicate an item just by being placed beside it. The Make-A-Wish foundation stops by the hospital to offer Kenny a wish. His first choice is not to die. They counter with Madonna and he declines. Chef talks with Stan to help him understand. In Washington, DC, Cartman appears before Congress to appeal them to restore stem cell research. His sings Asia's "Heat of Moment" and the whole assembly joins in. Congress lifts the ban on stem cell research and Cartman is getting women to sell their fetuses for research. Stan goes to the hospital only to find that Kenny's room is vacant. At the funeral Cartman comes in to tell Kyle and Stan to come out and witness his miracle. Using the stem cells of unborn fetuses, Cartman was able to create his own Shakey's along side of an existing one! Kenny dies from his disease and is officially dead with this passing.

Butters' Very Own Episode

It's "The Butters Show", which features Butters Stotch and his parents (Chris & Linda) at home. It's his parent's anniversary and Butters' mom asks him to spy on his father who is out buying an anniversary present. Butters follows him to a porn theatre to see "Fisting Firemen 9" and to a men's bath house. Not knowing what is really going on, he reports back everything with photos to his mother, who starts to goes crazy. The next night Butters' father goes "shopping" again. Butters follows his dad into the spa and finds his dad pleasuring himself. Butters' father tries to talk with him about the need to tell little white lies, but his mother interrupts. She is taking Butters for a drive, where she plans to kill her son by drowning him in their car, while she goes back home to kill herself there. Back at the house asks for forgiveness, telling Linda that he plans to get help. She confesses her that all this has got her confused and she tells him what she's done to their son. Meanwhile, Butters is drifting downstream in the car, which eventually comes to a stop. To cover themselves, the Stotch's claim to the media that their son was kidnapped by an individual of "average Puerto Rican height". Butters tries to make his way back home to South Park so that he can get to Bennigan's for his parent's anniversary dinner. The Ramseys come to South Park from Boulder claiming that the same Puerto Rican is responsible for their daughter's murder. They are joined by Gary Condit and OJ who make similar claims. They allow the Stotchs to join their support group, as they all hope that the Puerto Rican that has wronged them all can be found. Butters' parents argue as he walks in the door. They tell him that he needs to tell a little white lie about where he's been, but he disagrees telling them that they just need to tell the truth. So the Stotch's come clean with the media, but make a few pointed remarks about secrets, seemingly directed at the other members of their support group (liar, murderer and confess are three words strongly emphasized). In the end, with all the truth exposed, Butters realizes that sometimes it's probably okay to lie.

Jared Has Aides

The boys, Cartman, Stan and Kyle keep calling the City Wok Chinese restaurant just to hear the guy on the phone pronounce city as shitty. Butters joins them, but the others boys keep calling him either Kenny or "Not Kenny". (Kenny evidentially really did die last year.) The boys go the Kenny McKormick memorial town square, because Jared, the guys who lost all that weight eating sub sandwiches is scheduled to appear. Everyone just loves Jared. The boys go to see Jared after his appearance, and he tells them that in addition to his eating sub sandwiches to lose weight, he also got aides to help him to lose weight. The boys think that Jared meant AIDS when his first mentions it, until he introduces them to his aides Scott and Tyler. After learning the truth about Jared, the boys go home. Along the way, Cartman has a "genius moment". He decides they can do what Jared has done, eat a little of the product and exercise to lose the weight and become popular for doing it. He decides Butters is their candidate for this plan and City Wok is their restaurant of choice. Meanwhile, Jared is out with his fiancée and he confesses to her that he has aides; of course she leaves the restaurant thinking that he has AIDS and never told her. He also decides he needs to tell the public. For the boy's plan to work, they decide they've got to fatten Butters up. Jared reappears in front of the citizens of South Park and announces that he has aides and he recommends that everyone get aides. The boys take a fattened up Butters to City Wok and pitch them on their idea. The City Wok guy likes the idea. Meanwhile, Jared is fired from his sub sandwich job. Butters starts to exercise, but its not working fast enough; so the boys decide to perform liposuction on him and he loses a lot of fat quickly. Butters' parents return home to find their son giving himself liposuction, so they ground him. At South Park City Hall, Jared announces his aides for everyone campaign. The crowd rushes the stage. The boys go to Butters home to pick him up for their photo shoot. He can't leave because he was grounded 5 days for getting fat and then having liposuction. While Stan and Kyle take Butters to City Wok, Cartman stays at Butters home to answer the phone for when his parents call. When Cartman answers the phone, he only gets Butters into more trouble. Meanwhile, Jared is beating a dead horse about his desire to give everyone, including small underprivileged children aides and the angry mob is still after him. Stan, Kyle and Butters arrive at City Wok ready to do their ad campaign, just like Jared, when the owner tells them he's not interested anymore, since Jared wants everyone to have aides. They find out that the angry mob is planning to kill Jared downtown as Cartman gets Butters into even deeper trouble. Downtown Stan clears up the misunderstanding about Jared's aides and everyone has a big laugh. They also realize that 22.3 years have passed, so AIDS can be officially declared funny. Jared's image is okay once again and the boys find they can only get $15 for their deal with City Wok. Meanwhile, Butters' races home and he thanks Cartman for covering for him. Cartman leaves the house and set up a lawn chair in front of the Butters' house, waiting for Butters' parents to come home.

Asspen

The Stotchs have the Marsh and Broflovski families over for dinner, grateful that there son seems to have some great friends to play with. The Stotchs pitch the parent's on a deal where they can all go to Aspen and stay at a condo for free, they only need to attend a 30 minute time share presentation. They tell the boys and everyone is excited as they make their way to Aspen. The next morning everyone is getting ready for skiing when the pitchmen arrive. Cartman gives Butters a "Hitler" by drawing a Hitler-style mustache on Butters' upper lip using material obtained from his butt. The parents leave the boys on their own while they go to attend the time-share condo's required 30 minute presentation. Butters keep noticing a strange smell, still unaware of his fecal matter drawn mustache. The boys take ski lessons from "Thumper" who tells them about having a "bad time" and the use of "pizza" and "French fry" for going fast and slow on skies. Meanwhile the parents are being subjected to required meeting, that turns out isn't the actual required meeting; that one will actually be held at the luncheon. On the ski slopes, like a bad teen ski movie, Stan is challenged by Tad, someone who is much older and more experienced on skis than he is. At lunch, the parents are almost treated to a nice lunch of steak and lobster. The lunch is "time shared" on them as the pitchmen keep up their assault which is keeping the parents from enjoying the ski slopes. On the bunny slope, the boys are having a good time and only mildly wonder where their parents are at. Stan keeps living the bad ski movie, as Tad challenges him to an extreme ski race. Stan hopes that Tad will go away after he accepts Tad's challenge to an extreme ski race. Tad easily wins the race as Stan "pizzas" and "French fries" his way down the slope. Despite losing, Stan is still invited to attend a party at the youth center where all the cool teens will be hanging out. The parents finally get to head to the slopes and are given a special pass that will take them on a chairlift past the crowds and quickly up the mountain. Instead the chairlift takes them to another presentation where the pitchmen are waiting with a new offer. Still only mildly wondering where their parents are the boys are now all living a bad teen ski movie when they go to the party and find out that Tad's father plans on tearing down the youth center. Tad is there and sings a song about Stan. Fed up, Stan asks him what his problem is. Tad takes it as a challenge for a rematch. The fate of the youth center is in Stan's hands as Tad's course of choice is down K-13, "the most dangerous run in all of America". Despite the risks, Stan decides he must take part in the race. The parents finally leave the presentation, only to find themselves in it again; they just can't seem to escape. Randy Marsh threatens to call the police. Stan asks "Thumper" for lessons to help him with the race. This leads into a montage showing everything that is gone on, what is at stake, etc. There is even a song about the montage, playing during the montage. At the end of the montage, Stan appears to be ready. Back at the presentation, the police are there, but it turns out only help with the sales pitch. Everyone, the police, mayor and even the President are said to be working for "Time-Share". Under the threat of guns, the parents continue to listen to the pitchmen and the police. The race down K-13 begins. Stan is slow and steady as Tad (who's far ahead) tries to make sure that Stan can't make it all the way down the hill by putting the distractions in his way. Instead one of the teens distracts Tad and Stan skis down to victory and the youth center is saved. The parents finally catch up with their children, telling them that they finally came to their senses and purchased a time-share that will allow them to come to Aspen two weeks out of every year. The boys (especially Stan) aren't interested as they've found that skiing is confusing, knowing when to "pizza", when to "French fry" and when to do all the things that happen in bad teen ski movies.

Freak Strike

Butters refuses to be a replacement for Kenny. The boys start watching The Maury Povich Show, which is featuring disfigured people. When they learn that these freaks can get prizes for appearing on the show they hit upon the idea to create their own freak. Cartman calls the show and get Butters an appearance for his strange condition "chinballalitis". Butters' is against it, but they tell him that Kenny would have done it, because "Kenny was cool." They go to visit the Star Trek dorks to get a set of prosthetic balls made for Butters' face. The boys then send Butters to New York on his own, to appear on the show. At the studio he meets the other freaks in the green room and finds out about the freak circuit, which is how they make their living. The freaks tell him how they treated a freak who turned out to be a fraud. Butters as "Napoleon Bonaparte" makes his appearance on Maury's show. As his prize, Butters is sent directly to the world's largest putt-putt golf course in the world, which means that the other boys can't share the prize. Cartman calls the Povich show to see if he can get on the show with balls on his face. The show isn't planning on doing anymore freaks shows for a while, so Cartman jumps at the opportunity to appear on a segment called "Please Help My out of Control Child". He convinces his mother to go to New York and lie for him. Butters returns from New York and his parents ground him and then he finds out that the freaks are looking for him. He thinks they are going to find out he is a fraud, but they really want to invite him to participate in their freak strike. Cartman and his mother are set to appear on the show but after the first guest has made her appearance he realizes that he is going to have to change his image if he is going to win a prize. At the freak strike "Freak Out 2K2," Butters is reluctant to participate. Cartman and his mother appear on the show and Cartman is dressed as a total slut. He and the first guest try to out-skank each other. Meanwhile, at the freak strike, the police arrive telling them they must disband, the freaks plan to respond by breaking out the big guns and they prepare a video sabotage. The third guest appears on Maury's show and starts stealing the show, when some video sabotage occurs and the true freaks (with Butters) break into the broadcast. Their message to the viewers is that they need to look for the true freaks, with the union label. The audience realizes they are right and starts leaving. The ratings start to plummet and Maury agrees to a negotiation. Cartman confronts Butters and rips the fake balls from his chin. The freak crowd sees this and goes after Cartman. Just when Butters' thinks he is in the clear, his parent's arrive.

Fun With Veal

The kids are on a field trip to Rancher Bob's where they learn about beef. They children (sans Cartman) are disgusted when they find out where veal comes from. The boys decide they need to help the baby cows. That night Stan, Kyle and Butters go to Cartman's, because they need him for his MISSION: Impossible Breaking and Entering play set. He demands that Kyle kiss his ass for his participation. To his disgust, Kyle does. The boys break into the barn and Stan lets the baby cows loose. Only the cows can't move, since they've never walked. One by one they carry the calves to Stan house. To help the calves get strong enough to walk, Butters brings over a Susanne Sommers "Calf Exerciser". Meanwhile, Officer Barbrady and the rancher appear at the Marsh house. Stan's parents are surprised when they see Stan's room filled with calves. Stan pleads his case, but his mother tells him that he has to give the calves back and there is nothing he can do about it. Stan responds by shutting the door in her face and locking it. The boys decide that they will not let the calves out of Stan's room until they have a guarantee of their safety. The other parents arrive at the Marsh home. Sheila and Butter's father try to reach their children, but the boys have survived the first round. The next morning the boys wake up hungry and wondering what to do, when Cartman's mother gives them a picnic basket of food. The boys dig in to the fried chicken and beef jerky, only Stan refuses to eat any meat. At hour 34, the local news is covering the siege and calling the boys terrorists. When the story doesn't prove interesting enough, the TV station switches over to "Puppies around the World". At hour 53 a group of hippies joins the protest. Cartman is disgusted that they've become like "no good, dirty goddamned hippies." At hour 75, the FBI arrives to put an end to the conflict and Stan is showing signs of an illness. The FBI negotiator tries to match wits with Cartman, the negotiator loses. At hour 154, the FBI gives the boys guns and ammunition. Meanwhile, Stan is still showing signs of getting sick. At hour 169, they give Cartman a missile and they tell him that the FDA has officially renamed veal. The FBI negotiator reports that the boys are prepared to come out, if they are given a truck to transport them and the cattle to Denver's airport where they can fly to Mexico. They also demand that Michael Dorn, Worf from Star Trek: TNG, drive the truck in full makeup. That FBI negotiator is replaced by a new that only plans to give in to half of their demands. At hour 201, Michael Dorn and the truck arrives. The boys come out and load the truck with the calves. Stan appears to be very ill; his face is covered with sores. As the truck is passing the cattle ranch, the truck is stopped and the game is over. Cartman orders "Worf" to kill them and he refuses, causing Cartman to comment "some goddamned Klingon you are." The calves are unloaded, but the rancher claims they are now worthless, since the boys got the FDA to change the word veal to "little tortured baby cow." Stan can't celebrate as his sickness has gotten the better of him. The doctor says that he arrived at the hospital just in time. Stan had "vaginitis", the sores were tiny little vaginas that were forming on his skin and had it gone too long, he would have turned into one big giant pussy. The disease started in Stan when he stopped eating meat.

The Terrance & Phillip Movie Trailer

The boys get ready to watch "The Russell Crowe Show," where each week Russell sets out to go "Fightin' around the World"; which Russell does from the very start of the episode. Shelly interrupts the boys and we learn that the reason they are really watching the show is to see the "exclusive never-before-seen" trailer for the new Terrance the boys figured it wouldn't be in the first break just so they'd have to keep watching this stupid show. Russell Crowe is now in Brooklyn, where there are a lot of minorities. Chef starts trying to show off the features of his new television and hides the picture on screen behind all the TV's on screen menus. He finally invokes the H.E.M. (Human Eradication Mode) which turns the TV into a robot a la ED-209 from "RoboCop" and the TV leaves the house, blasting away with its lasers. Desperate again the boys race to the local bar where they tune in to find Russell Crowe angry with his editor for cutting the Brooklyn scene short; so Crowe beats up the editor. The boys are thrown out of the bar, despite Cartman's offer of Butters giving hand jobs in the corner, to which Butters exclaims that he's good at all kinds of jobs. Meanwhile, Chef is on the line with customer support trying to stop his television from its killing rampage. The boys stop at a retirement home to take over their television. On the "The Russell Crowe Show" Tugger tries to escape while Russell sings one of his songs, he finally succeeds when he shoots himself. Will he survive? Find out after these messages Even though they are disappointed after the second break, still no commercial, the boys stay tuned to the show, despite the old people's desire to watch "Puppies Around the World". Russell finds out Tugger's fate, he'll be okay, which makes Russell feel like fighting. Back in the real world, the elderly release their bowels, driving the boys out of their home. Even more desperate, the boys go to Cartman's home, despite the fact that it is covered by a tent and being fumigated. On his show, Russell decides he needs to take up a cause, so he decides to fight cancer, only that "pussy" cancer is nowhere to be found. The fumes are getting to them. Stan remembers that they have an old black and white television; so they race back to his place. When they arrive, Butters realizes he never gave Shelly her tampons and as Stan opens the door, a flood of blood spills through the doorway. Shelly yells out the window that she told them she needed tampons. The boys spot some nearby crack addicts with a TV. They tune it to Russell's show in time to find him beating up a man with cancer. Chef's TV interrupts their viewing by destroying their TV, with Chef still in pursuit and on the line with customer service. They finally find out from Butters why they can't go to his house, it's because he doesn't have a baby-sitter, that's why he was staying at Stan's. Deciding that they will kill Butters later, the boys race to Butter's home, just in time for the start of the third commercial break After the first part of this commercial break is over, the boys rant and rave about the length of the last commercial break and other issues, when finally what they've been waiting for has arrived, the trailer for the new Terrance & Phillip movie "Asses of Fire 2", coming June 21st 2002. Finally Russell wraps up his show.

Professor Chaos

The boys (Stan, Kyle and Cartman) decide to fire Butters as their replacement best friend for Kenny, the primary reason his being so lame. At home Butters reflects on his firing and decides that if he is going to be an outcast than he will become the greatest super villain the world has ever seen. He creates a super villain costume and calls himself Professor Chaos. Tomorrow the chaos will begin. The next day, Stan, Kyle and Cartman hold auditions for a replacement best friend. The have twenty possibilities to choose from, which they will cut down to 10 after a visit to the amusement park. Meanwhile, Professor Chaos causes confusion at the local Bennigans and elsewhere. Highlights of the amusement park visit are shown, the boys and some of their candidates comment on the day's events. Token, Clyde, Craig, Timmy, Pip, Jimmy, Jason, Towelie, Luigi and Tweek all make the cut, the rest are told to "get the fudge out". Butters finds out that the local news has had no coverage of the chaos that he's created. He decides to step it up a notch. At the school, the boys now want to evaluate how their new friend may work for them during class time. Ms. Choksondik searches for her chalkboard eraser, which disappeared, courtesy of Professor Chaos. The children search, but can't find it. So she pulls out her backup, but she's not smart enough for Professor Chaos. Butters gets an excuse to go to the bathroom, but returns in his guise as the Professor and steals the backup as well. Back at home, Butters dresses his hamsters in outfits and makes them Professor Chaos's minions. He receives a note from someone who knows who he is and wants to meet him at the dock. The boys knock their list down from 10 candidates to six. Token, Timmy, Tweek, Pip, Towelie and Jimmy all make this cut, the rest are told to "get the fudge out". At the dock, Professor Chaos meets with Dougie, who knows his secret. The Professor sets his minions after Dougie, but they run the other way. Dougie a fellow outcast wants to join with the Professor. Butters accepts him and gives him the name General Disarray. There first mission together is to find where the Professor's minions have run off to. Highlights of the swimsuit and talent competition are shown, the boys and some of their candidates comment on those events. The boys then take their candidates to a baseball game. At the game, the Jumbotron picture is interrupted. Professor Chaos is shown on screen trying to implement his latest plan, to flood the world with a garden hose. The crowd responds by taking all their clothes off. Back in South Park, the boys try to make their final decision. Jimmy tries to bribe them. At Butters' home, the water department thwarts Professor Chaos' plan, turning off the hose. The boys are about to announce their final choice for a new friend, as Professor Chaos decides to implement his back up plan. The Professor and General Disarray start using aerosol spray cans in an effort to destroy the ozone layer, when the announcer interrupts asking these thought provoking questions: Will Professor Chaos' latest plot succeed and be the final undoing of earth? And which boy has been chosen to be the replacement for Kenny? And which of these six South Park residents (Chef, Mr. Garrison, Uncle Jimbo, Officer Barbrady, Ms. Choksondik or Mayor McDaniels) was killed and will never be seen again? "The answer to those questions will be answered, right now." No. Tweek. Ms. Choksondik.

Simpsons Already Did It

Kyle and Stan are building a snowman with their new best friend Tweek. Cartman arrives showing them an ad for "Sea People" and convinces them to each contribute $4 a piece so they can place their order and have them tomorrow. Butters (as Professor Chaos) and General Disarray start to launch "Evil Plot 4-B", which is to blot out the sun with an 80 foot high by 50 foot wide giant shade. General Disarray informs him that they already did that on The Simpsons. Professor Chaos looks for another plan. Cartman dreams about having adventure with his "Sea People." The "Sea People" have arrived and Cartman prepares his friends to help welcome them. Stan identifies the "Sea People" for what they really are brine shrimp. Cartman is discouraged, his dreams of the "Sea People" taking him away from reality have been destroyed, and he wants them thrown away. Kyle suggests that they put them in their teacher's coffee the next morning, which they agree to do. Cut to the next morning when the boys and others are watching Ms. Choksondik's body being loaded into an ambulance. Cartman tells the other boys they must keep a strict vow of silence on the matter, to which Tweek exclaims "Jesus Christ we killed her!" At the home of General Disarray, Professor Chaos arrives with the results of his latest scheme. He has removed the head from the statue in the town's square. The local news coverage reminds him that this same event occurred in a classic episode of the The Simpsons. Everyone in town is delighted at the prank and prefers to leave it headless so that they can always be reminded of this classic show. Professor Chaos is bummed out. Meanwhile, the boys are watching "Terrence they've retrieved the "Sea Men." Confused, he has them tell their story from the beginning. Now that Chef understands what has really happened, he tells them there is nothing to worry about; Ms. Choksondik couldn't have died from the brine shrimp. Chef and the other boys leave Cartman in his bedroom, where he goes to sleep with no worries; but he soon may have something to worry about as the sperm in the semen sample that he put into his "Sea People" tank have joined with the brine shrimp. At the bus stop the next morning Cartman gets the boys to come to his place to see what has happened. It seems per Cartman's "Final Theory of Composite Dynamics" that the "Sea People + Sea Men" have joined together to create a "Sea Ciety," to the point where they have built buildings, etc. Cartman wants to where they can take this, so he needs a bigger tank, more "Sea People" (5 gallons worth) and 10 gallons of "Sea Men," which he will go out on the town and collect himself. Having watched all 132 episodes (sic) of the The Simpsons [See note 3 below.], Professor Chaos is hit upon a scheme that they haven't already done, that is to replace the contents of a cherry with "yukky, sticky mayonnaise." General Disarray comments that The Simpsons' scheme would have been more clever. When they are ready to leave to execute this evil scheme an ad comes on for tonight's episode of The Simpsons in which Bart is going to replace the contents of a chocolate covered cherry with mayonnaise. [See note 4 below.] At South Park's Sperm Bank Cartman negotiates to get all the semen they can give him. Professor Chaos is seeing The Simpsons in everyone and everywhere he goes. At Cartman's home all the elements come together to allow them to see what kind of "Sea Ciety" they can create with the bigger tank. The following morning, Cartman awakes to find that the "Sea People" have evolved even further. The "Sea People" are worshipping his as their god. Everyone is invited over to Cartman's house to see this new "Sea Ciety." Butters is there, but is still seeing The Simpsons in everyone and everything. In fact he even realizes that Cartman's civilization was already done as a story on the The Simpsons. To which the boys reply "so;" after all The Simpsons have been on the air for over 13 years and they have already done everything. Chef adds that the particular part of The Simpsons was actually taken from an episode of The Twilight Zone. With all this new information, Butters is ready to wreak chaos once again. Meanwhile in the "Sea Ciety" a statue of Tweek is created and the two disparate parts of the "Sea Ciety" go to war with each another and blow themselves up.

Red Hot Catholic Love

Father Maxi announces that some of the parish's boys will be able to participate on weekend boat trip with bishops and priests from around the country. Given the very idea of it causes Randy Marsh to hallucinate about "The Catholic Boat" and causes him to recommend that their boys shouldn't participate in such a trip, given all that has been going on in the news about priests molesting young boys. The parents decide that their boys shouldn't participate in this trip, at least until after they discover if Father Maxi has been hiding anything from them. To that end they bring in an outside counselor who begins to question the boys about Father Maxi. Before the results are in, the parents decide to become atheists, after all why would God allow their children to be molested. Because of a question the counselor has asked them, the boys try to figure out what a priest would have ever wanted to put in their butts. They try to ask Chef, but he just leaves, avoiding the topic. Cartman has a theory that maybe if you stuck food in your butt, you would crap out of your mouth. Kyle, who's just joined the boys, tells Cartman that's impossible and he agrees to a $20 bet that Cartman is wrong. The parents tell their children that they are atheists now. In the meantime, Father Maxi has convened a meeting of fellow priests to figure out how their can bring their church attendance figures back up and more importantly, how to keep the boys mouths shut. When those statements are made, Father Maxi is shocked to find out his fellow priests have regularly been engaging in sexual activity with boys. It's their "way of life." He decides he needs to go to the Vatican for help. Cartman is trying crap something out of his mouth and to Kyle's amazement he is successful. In Vatican City, Father Maxi meets with the Pope and an assemblage of priests, bishops and cardinals from around the world. Father Maxi is further shocked to discover that having sex with young boys is a "way of life" for priests around the world. His suggestion that they change their "holy document of Vatican law" to forbid sex with young boys is met with numerous protests. Cartman asks Kyle what he can buy with the $20 he won. At the Marsh home, atheist life is shown to have its advantages. Stan tells them about Cartman's achievement with food. Randy doesn't believe it, so he tries it for himself and is surprised with the result. Father Maxi suggests that sex with women be allowed instead. He is eventually told that the reason that the "holy document of Vatican law" cannot be changed is because no one knows where it is, other than it is somewhere in the basement of St. Peters and that several trials must be overcome to retrieve it. Cartman is still relishing in have Kyle's $20, when the boys see a news report with the surgeon general who says that ingesting food backwards is healthier for you. People all over the country are changing their eating habits. For his discovery of this new method of healthy eating, Cartman is going to be given a medal from the mayor. Kyle is beside himself at this news. Despite being interrupted to answer a few questions about other matters, on Martha Stewart's Living program she gives advice on preparing foods that are easy to insert up the ass. She demonstrates it on a whole turkey. Meanwhile, under St. Peter's Father Maxi prepares himself for the trials he will encounter on his quest to retrieve the "holy document." After a "Pitfall" videogame style set of trials, he finds the document. Back in South Park at a meeting of the Atheists club the parents decide that they must combat the religious right to get the phrase under God removed from "The Pledge of Allegiance" and any reference to God removed from currency. Father Maxi returns with the document and he asks for changes to be made. The Pope pipes up and requests that they consult a higher authority. "The Great Queen Spider" is summoned and she says that the rules cannot be changed. Outraged at all this, Father Maxi tears up the holy document and St. Peter's begins to crumble all around them. Cartman is still delighting in Kyle's $20, when Kyle finally tells Cartman that he was totally 100% right all along and that he should have never doubted him and he is proud to have him as a friend. This really pisses Cartman off. The boy's parents are delighted to hear that the Vatican is burning down. In watching the television coverage, they are all moved back into the option of having religion back in their lives, when they hear Father Maxi tell his fellow Catholics that they need to change and get in touch with the real world. After all, without religion in their lives they'll just go around spewing a bunch of crap out of their mouths.

Free Hat

The boys are at the movies to see a new edition of Star Wars: Episode V and they become outraged when they see previews for all the release movies that are coming out with digitally enhanced effects. When they find out what has changed in the movie they are about to see, they decide to leave the theatre. They decide to form a club to save films from their directors that have started changing their favorite movies. To get people to come to the first meeting of their new club, Cartman suggests that they offer free hats. Not knowing how many will show up for the meeting, Tweek is charged with making at least 50 hats, which Cartman says they can make out of newspaper. The next day Tweek only shows up with 15 hats, which wouldn't be a problem, except that Stan estimates that about 1,000 people have shown up. Yes, a large number did turn out, although not for the boys' cause, or for a free hat; they thought the "free Hat" on the poster was to help get a guy named Hat McCullough released from prison. The boys convince these people to help them out with their cause and the boys promise to also help "free Hat." Ted Koppel wants the boys to appear on Nightline wants the boys to come on the show to talk about their cause. Ted briefly mentions the boys' film cause but goes right into wanting to know why the boys want to free Hat McCullough, a self-confessed serial killer of 23 babies. The topic gets changed over to their cause and the boys start to make their points when Steven Spielberg and George Lucas join them on the show. The boys believe it is all about making money, while the directors cite wanting to reach a new audience. When Kyle makes a comment about "Raiders of the Lost Ark," it makes Spielberg and Lucas realize that they've forgotten to update that film. With "Raiders " on the line, the boys try to get their group to help them retrieve the original negative of the film. Their group agrees, but first they need to "free Hat". With no help from their club members, the boys decide they need to go the Skywalker Ranch themselves. With too much pressure, Tweek wants out; but the boys give he him another chance to continue being their new best friend. At the Skywalker Ranch the boys find the negative, but are caught by George Lucas. They attempt to cool George's icy heart with a cool island song. They just about get George over to their cause, when Spielberg enters with his walkie-talkie toting guards. The boys attempt to escape, only Tweek manages to get away, the others are caught and Spielberg plans to keep them prisoner until the premiere of the revised version of "Raiders " We segue to the commercial break, where there is an ad for the "digitally re-enhanced re-release of the pilot episode of South Park." Matt and Trey appear in the commercial commenting that the reason they used construction paper was because it was cheap. Now it will look sharp, clean, focused and expensive. Tweek appeals to the members of the club for help in rescuing the other boys, but they are still more interested in the "free Hat" aspect of their organization. In fact they decide implement a variation of the boys plan by trying to use a fresh island song to cool the hot temper of the governor, so that he will free Hat McCullough. This leaves Tweek alone and on his own to rescue the boys. The remainder of the episode is mostly reminiscent of end of the "Raiders " Tweek finds the boys being led to the premiere of the film and with his bazooka Tweek is prepared to blow up the revised print of the film. Only Spielberg convinces Tweek that he really wants to see this new print of the film and Tweek does give in. Meanwhile the other members of their club entertain the governor. The "Raiders" premiere begins. The boys are tied up in the background as the "Ark of the Covenant" is opened and the new print is removed. Stan tells the other boys to close their eyes and not watch the film. The film is as bad as the boys have feared and Lucas, Coppola and Spielberg come to their end, a la the Nazis in "Raiders " Back in South Park, the boys are congratulated on their accomplishment of getting Hat McCullough released from prison. Kyle wonders if they did a good thing. They also wonder what happened to the original "Raiders " negatives. Stan tells them not worry; they are where no one will ever find them. We cut to a warehouse filled with crates that are ear-marked for the Red Cross's 9/11 Relief Funds.

Bebe's Boobs Destroy Society

Two weeks after the death of Ms. Choksondik the boys have to return to school. Cartman, who isn't quite over the tragic death, is in the basement playing with his dolls. At school, when Bebe returns she shows the other girls that she has begun to develop breasts. Mr. Mackey has become their substitute teacher and he decides to help them get over the death of Ms. Choksondik by hiding their emotions with math problems. Kyle is the first boy to notice something different about Bebe. All the boys begin to take notice. When Bebe answers the first math problem, all the boys are in awe of how smart she is. They decide she can hang out with them. They all invite her to come throw rocks at cars with them. When Kyle tries to show Bebe a better method for throwing rocks, he and the other boy's primal instincts start to flair up as they vie for Bebe's attention. When Bebe enters the classroom the next day, all the boys say hi, while Wendy rolls her eyes and says "Oh for Christ's sake." Mr. Mackey asked the students to write a paper. It turns out that all the boys have written their papers about Bebe. The boys love it when Bebe reads her paper and laugh when they heard the subject of Wendy's paper. In the lunchroom the boys are looking for Bebe, the girls on the other hand are talking about Bebe. Bebe overhears some of the girl's parting comments. Bebe is distraught with her girlfriends having said those things to her. She talks with her mother about the fact that she now has guy friends who think she is "smart and cool." She decides if the girls don't want to be her friend that's okay, "guys are way cooler anyways." Stan, Kyle and Cartman have a meeting with Tweek. The purpose of which is to get rid of a friend to make room for Bebe as their new best friend. Cartman decides that Kyle should go; but both Kyle and Stan both object. They also object when Cartman suggests that they should get rid Tweek. At the bus stop the next morning the lineup is Stan, Kyle, Bebe and Tweek; Cartman has been kicked out. Cartman voices his anger at the other boys, but tells Bebe she is still cool. The boys decide to make Bebe their class president. Since Wendy is already class president, she objects; even if they don't, Wendy knows why the boys are drawn to Bebe. Stan, Kyle and Tweek are going over to Bebe's house to watch Terrance & Phillip. At the door they encounter Timmy and some of the other boys who were planning to visit Bebe as well. The boys all find out that Bebe is with Cartman and she is in his basement playing "Lambs" with him. The boys find them there and they all try to get Bebe's attention. Their primal instincts take hold again and they start fighting over her. Bebe is staying inside her home as the boys are outside fighting amongst themselves. Bebe's mother tells her she is blossoming into a woman. Bebe isn't sure she wants to. She realizes that her hooters are the reason the boys are interested in her. The boys are shooed home, but in their primal state two crash-landed space shuttle astronauts decide they would rather be dead then live on a planet ruled by apes. Bebe sees a doctor to find out about breast reduction surgery, she has $212 and a gold bracelet. Bebe wants the surgery so that she won't be treated differently the rest of her life. If she has everything she wants, she'll grow up to be a lame person. The doctor isn't in favor of her getting the reduction surgery, but he does offer to enlarge them for her. Sharon Marsh is worried about her son. Randy realizes that Stan has discovered breasts and he has a talk with him, telling him that there will be many in his lifetime. He shouldn't let them get in the way of his friendships, until he finds the right set of boobs to spend the rest of his life with. Bebe makes the decision to not let her conspiring breasts control her life. Wendy sees the doctor seeking breast implants. Since she has $3000 she is a perfect candidate, despite only being 8 years old. In class the next day Bebe shows up wearing a cardboard box and it neutralizes her breasts effect on the boys. Stan realizes the power of the breast and they decide that its power won't get in their way any longer. When Wendy walks in with her over-sized enlarged breasts, the boys just start laughing at her.

Child Abduction is Not Funny

Tweek is watching TV and learns that children are not safe. With fear of child abductions, his parent's talk to him about the fact that they have installed new locks on his windows and doors and that he should never allow anyone, other than his parents into his room. That night they test him and he fails. They remind him of the danger of talking with strangers. When he goes to the movies with the other boys he freaks out when he doesn't recognize the ticket taker, so he runs away. He keeps running into strangers asking him for help, so he keeps freaking out and running away. Later that night "The Ghost of Human Kindness" comes to reform Tweek. The ghost shows him examples of human kindness that always gets overlooked by the news. "The Ghost of Human Kindness" turns out to be a child abductor named Frederick Johnson who is caught. The outraged parents demand that the mayor take action. The parents suggest a way to keep unwanted strangers out of their town, build a wall around it. The mayor and parents appeal to the owner of City Wok to build a wall for them around the town. The City Wok owner builds them a "Great Wall" like the one his own ancestors built centuries ago. With the wall completed the City Wok owner finds that some Mongolians have come to try knocking it down. Stan's parents purchase a Child Tracker, which Stan must wear on his head like a helmet. He worries about being seen in it, but he has nothing to fear, since all of the children are now wearing them. The Mongolians make another assault on the "Great Wall." The South Park Cows baseball team finds that they must play against no one, since the "Great Wall" keeps everyone out. A new study comes out that indicates that most child abductions occur by someone the child knows in their town. The parents immediately take their children home. The City Wok owner plans to defeat the Mongolians with a heat-seeking missile surprise; they divert it by throwing a flaming baseball back at the owner. The parents wait at the bus stop with their children and then attend class with them. The City Wok owner plans to use a sweet and sour pork concoction on the Mongolian's heads. The Mongolians deliver a Trojan Mongolian Horse to the gate. The owner, knowing what is going on plays their game, only to be surprised when he is covered by the contents of the horse, a sweet and sour pork concoction. The news reports more facts about child abductions; it turns out most abductions are done by the child's parents. To reduce temptation, the parents send their children out on their own. The City Wok owner is licked free of the sweet and sour pork by a dog. The parents wonder where their children have gone. The children have found a safe haven for themselves; they are living with the Mongolians. The City Wok owner makes his last stand to protect the "Great Wall." The boys help the Mongolians to blow a hole in the wall. Their parents see them on the other side of the wall and begin to realize that they've overreacted to all the sensationalistic news reports. The parents fear that their children don't recognize them. Stan comments on how stupid their parents are and Kyle tells the parents it has only been four days. The parents work to renew their bonds with their children. Tweek's father comments that the "The Ghost of Human Kindness" was right all along. Randy Marsh thinks it was the Mongolians who proved that walls built around things need to be knocked down to bring people together. The mayor tells the City Wok owner to tear down the wall. As Stan goes home with his parents he comments to Stan that their parents have done some really stupid things in the past, but this one

A Ladder to Heaven

Stan, Kyle, and Cartman win all the candy the can eat, and all they need is the original ticket stub for the contest. The owner gives them one week to return with the winning ticket stub. The boys try to remember what they did with the ticket stub and they realize that they gave it to Kenny to hold. We all know that Kenny's been dead for a while, although the boys may have forgotten when they go to the McKormick house and ask to see him. They know he's dead, but they want to see his body. Kenny's parents invite them in and show them an urn filled with Kenny ashes. Later that night, they sneak into the house and steal the urn. They empty the contents of the urn and don't find Kenny or the ticket stub. Cartman decides that Kenny's ashes must really be chocolate milk powder, so he mixes them with milk and drinks them. That night he starts having flashbacks, were he is seeing through the eyes of Kenny. The next day, Kyle has come up with a plan that will allow them to see Kenny. They will build a ladder to heaven, climb it, find Kenny and get the winning ticket. The parents find out what the boys are doing and they (and the entire community) find it touching, except for Mr. Garrison. Even country singer Alan Jackson has written a song about it. Meanwhile the boys keep building their ladder as Cartman has another Kenny flashback. News comes in from Japan that they are building their own ladder to heaven. The boys' ladder stacks up really high when they run out of stuff to build it with; but have no fear, the U.S. government is here! Not ready to let the Japanese beat them to heaven, they provide the boys will the additional material they need. They boys are up pretty high, and haven't found heaven yet. A blow to the head from Kyle makes Cartman have another flashback. In Washington, the Army reports to the President that Saddam Hussein is building weapons of mass destruction in heaven. 51% of the population believes that we should bomb heaven. The boys find out that Kenny was cremated and what it means. Kenny's parents find out that Cartman has drunk Kenny ashes and replaced them with kitty litter. Cartman goes to an abortion clinic to get the living thing inside of him, sucked out. Cartman has another Kenny flashback and realizes where Kenny placed the ticket stub. At the UN, the US reports what they've discovered about heaven and Saddam's weapons of mass destruction. One of the delegates wonders if the US representative is high or incredibly stupid. The US rep assures him that he's not high. Cartman tells the boys about his vision. They try to stimulate his vision. Japan reports that they have reached heaven, although their shoddy sets fall apart, the parents believe they have actually made it. The US plans to take Saddam out, when the ladder is finished. The boys announce to everyone standing around the ladder that they won't be building the ladder any longer as they've gotten their ticket stub and went on their candy store shopping spree. The boys have come to the conclusion that heaven isn't a real place anyway; it's more of an intangible idea. Their parents (and everyone else) come to the same conclusion and leave. Cartman has another Kenny flashback that makes them all think that Kenny may be alive inside him. Meanwhile, in heaven, Saddam Hussein is stockpiling weapons of mass destruction and disguising them as a chocolate chip factory. God starts to suspect something, but Saddam quickly covers it up and gets back to work.

The Return of the Fellowship of the Ring to the Two Towers

Cartman, Stan and Kyle are in full Middle Earth regalia and are in search of a quest, when Stan's dad gives them one: bring the copy of "The Lord of the Rings" video they rented over to Butters' house. They embark immediately, and with the children gone, Randy and Sharon prepare to watch a pornographic movie. They put the videotape in, and the soon realize that the pornographic movie they rented is what they gave the children to deliver to Butters' house. The children complete their quest, and Butters' gets to watch the movie on his own. Sharon and Randy drive over to Butters' house to see if they can get the videotape back. They meet the children on the road, and give them a new quest, go back and retrieve the videotape that has the evil power. The boys retrieve "the one tape" and Butters' goes after them. Butters asks if he can join them on their quest and they tell him to join them he must play "Lord of the Rings." He immediately jumps on Kyle's back and starts humping him. They call him a freak and leave Butters at his house, where he laments the loss of his "precious." The boys start to return the videotape, when they encounter sixth graders. The sixth graders take the videotape and are very interested in keeping it, once they see what the contents of the videotape box actually are, "Back Door Sluts 9." The boys get the videotape back and go on the run from the sixth graders. The Marshes arrive at the Stotch's home and confess about the videotape. Then they see what viewing the videotape has done to Butters. The boys continue to hide from the sixth graders, who attempt to smell them out. They decide they need to go and see the high elf. The parents all get together and Randy reveals to them the title of the missing porno as "Back Door Sluts 9," which the men all immediately recognize. The boys arrive at the high elf's home and it is decided a meeting of the council is called. The sixth graders raise an army to retrieve the videotape. At the council meeting, Token is given the task of viewing the videotape; meanwhile the sixth graders and the parents are on the lookout for the boys. After a few minutes of viewing the videotape, Token returns and tells everyone that he's "not playing anymore." The council is in awe of power of this videotape, resulting in their decision that the videotape must be returned to the video store from whence it came. That store is located in Bailey, a town located on the other side of a mountain. Stan volunteers to return the videotape and the high elf appoints others to accompany him, calling them "The Fellowship of the Lord of the Rings." "The Fellowship" is on their quest as their parents arrive at Token's home, and tell his parents about the videotape. The parents talk to Token about the videotape. Randy Marsh tries to explain the lovemaking on the videotape to Token, who retorts with questions about multiple penises, 5 midgets and Thousand Island dressing. The parents ask them if he knows where the boys went with the videotape. Upon entering Bailey, "The Fellowship" encounters some children playing "Harry Potter." Cartman tells "The Fellowship" that Butters has been following them for about 2 hours. Then they see the sixth graders coming, Jimmy tries to stop them. Cartman suggests that cross the river, since sixth graders don't like water. With that kind of thinking, two members of "The Fellowship" decide to go home. Cartman it turns out is right, as the sixth graders seek an alternate means to cross the river. All that remains of "The Fellowship" is lost after crossing the river, Butters reveals himself and tells them he knows where the video store is located. He just wants to be able to see his "precious." The parents encounter Jimmy and find out the boys are going to video store. "The Fellowship" reaches the video store, as do the sixth graders who are descending on them. The video store is closed, but there is a drop box. Before they can put the videotape inside, Butters grabs the videotape. Kyle manages to catch him, and when Butters won't give up the videotape, Kyle throws him and the videotape into the drop box. The sixth graders are ready to beat them up when their parent arrive. The parents try to put the videotape, which "The Fellowship" has never seen, into context for the boys. This only serves to confuse them. As they get ready to leave, Butters' parents wonder where he's gotten to. Cut to inside the videotape drop box, where Butters is enjoying the company of his "precious."

The Death Camp of Tolerance

Principal Victoria promotes Mr. Garrison to teaching the 4th grade, but her offhand comment about them not being able to fire him for being gay, gives him an idea. Mr. Garrison introduces his 4th grade students to his replacement for Mr. Hat, Mr. Slave. Cartman (channeling Kenny) makes a paper airplane that gets him into trouble. Instead of Cartman being punished for the act, Mr. Garrison spanks Mr. Slave. The boy's parents are having their book of the month club meeting where they are discussing a Nancy Drew mystery, when the boys come home and try to tell them about Mr. Garrison's behavior in class that day. The parents decide their children need to go to the Museum of Tolerance, to get educated. The tour guide and the parents accompany the children through all of their exhibits and prove that they are tolerant of anything, except the guy who is smoking. Mr. Garrison is surprised that he wasn't fired for yesterday's behavior. Today he sticks a tube into Mr. Slave's ass and then inserts a gerbil named Lemmiwinks into the tube. Lemmiwinks travels inside of Mr. Slave and is trapped, much to Mr. Slave's delight. The boys report to Chef that they are intolerant of gays. They tell him about what Mr. Garrison did in class today. He goes to talk to the Principal. Mr. Garrison believes the gerbil incident will surely get him fired. Meanwhile, inside Mr. Slave's large intestine, Lemmiwinks is visited by the specter of a frog who tells him that he must journey through the intestines and past the stomach to reach freedom. Mr. Garrison reports to the principal's office, but instead of firing him, she sends Chef off to a tolerance seminar. The boys refuse to go to class, which causes their parents to decide, at Mr. Mackey's suggestion that the boys must go to Tolerance Camp, where they will intensively learn how to be tolerant. The boys arrive at Devitzen's Tolerance Camp, which is being run by men who are fanatical about their devotion to teaching tolerance. Mr. Garrison is going to get a "Courageous Teacher" award for his ability to put up with all the intolerance of his students. Mr. Slve suggests that they put on a show in front of the parents at the awards banquet that will get him fired. Meanwhile, Lemmiwinks make progress on his journey through Mr. Slave's intestines. The children are suffering at Tolerance Camp. Mr. Garrison has concocted his plan to get fired at the awards ceremony. Meanwhile, Lemmiwinks makes it to the stomach. At Tolerance Camp, Kyle passes out from the incessant work they've been put through. Mr. Garrison is given his "Courageous Teacher" award and his attempt to shock the very tolerant crowd doesn't work. Irked at their tolerance of his behavior, he reminds them all that tolerance and acceptance are two different things; you can tolerate something and still be pissed off about it. The parents realize their mistake and leave to get their children back. Mr. Garrison still wants to be fired, but instead Principal Victoria sends him and Mr. Slave to the Tolerance Camp. The boys emerge from the Tolerance Camp looking like they just left a WW II concentration camp. Lemmiwinks emerges from Mr. Slave and is crowned "Gerbil King."

The Biggest Douche in the Universe

Cartman is rushed to the hospital, it appears as though his possession by Kenny is putting him in a bad way, but all the doctor can say is that he is "running out of time." Stan and Kyle go to Chef to find out whether they should care about Cartman's health. They bring Chef up to speed on Cartman drinking Kenny's ashes and his subsequently being possessed by Kenny's soul. Chef accompanies the two boys to the hospital, where Chef recommends that they take Cartman to a medium to find out how they might extract Kenny's soul. The medium Chef wants to see is in New York, John Edward, the television psychic. Cartman, his mother, Chef, Stan and Kyle fly to New York; on board the plane they are treated to a preview for a new Rob Schneider movie: ROB SCHNEIDER IS "THE STAPLER." At John Edward's show, the boys get Edward's attention, but his "reading" of Cartman is brief and offers them no advice. Although Kyle gets spooked when Edwards mentions that his dead grandmother knows he isn't doing what she asked him to do; he tells Kyle to look for four white doves. Chef is discouraged at the results of the television show and decides that they need to take Cartman to see his parent's in Scotland. Cartman, his mother and Chef will go to Scotland, while Stan and Kyle are to go back home to South Park. Stan and Kyle are going to go to their plane, when Kyle sees a poster for Jewleeard, a private school for young Jews. The poster features 4 white birds on it, so Kyle is convinced that this is where he needs to be to fulfill his grandmother's wishes. Skeptical Stan tries to talk him out of it, to no avail. Stan goes to the home of John Edward, to see if he can get Edward to tell Kyle that it was a trick and it was just for fun. Edward believes that what he does helps people; Stan believes tells Edward that he is a stupid douche. When Edward runs away from Stan, he takes it to the next level and nominates Edward for the Biggest Douche in the Universe award. Stan finds some of Edward's books on how to do psychic readings and takes them with him as he leaves. On the long flight to Scotland, Cartman, his mother and Chef are treated to another Rob Schneider movie, this one is for: ROB SCHNEIDER IS "A CARROT." Stan tells Kyle of his visit to John Edward and what a douche he is. When John Edward's name is mentioned, a crowd spouting the incredible things John Edward has done begins forming around Stan. Stan tries to show them how Edward's trick is done, but the only thing that happens as a result of this demonstration is Stan gets his own "talking to the dead" show. In Scotland, Chef's parents meet the Cartman and his mother. Chef's father identifies that there is indeed another children in there. Chef's mother puts on her ceremonial garments and begins a ritual that will let Kenny's soul go free. Meanwhile, back in the US, Stan's psychic reading show "The Other Side" premieres. Stan tries to tell his audience that it is all a trick, but they just won't believe him, they thoroughly believe that he is psychic. In Scotland, Kenny's spirit is about to break free from Cartman, when the potatoes are ready and Chef's parents found out that they didn't bring a victim child with them, the one who will receive Kenny's spirit. Kenny's spirit breaks free and has nowhere to go as it flies about the room. Another Rob Schneider trailer is seen, this one is for: DA DERP DEE DERP DA TEETLEY DERPEE DERPEE DUMB STARRING ROB SCHNEIDER. At the Jeweelard School Stan continues to try to convince Kyle about John Edward's trickery. Kyle says Stan is just jealous because Edward is a better psychic than he is. Stan gives up, but as he is leaving he encounters John Edward. Stan continues to call him a douche and John Edward responds by challenging Stan to a psychic showdown, which Stan accepts. Meantime, in Scotland, Chef's mother tries to offer Kenny's soul $3.50 to fly out the window. Kenny's spirit finds a new home in the pot roast that Chef's mother was preparing. They wrap the pot roast up for a return trip to Colorado and Cartman appears to be feeling better. The psychic showdown is about to begin, when Stan tells the audience that he's learned something today, he realizes why they need to believe in John Edward, but he feels that they need to recognize that what John Edward does is a magic trick, and that was is really going on in the world "is much more amazing than this douche." The audience applauds Stan, and Kyle finally sees the light. Stan tells John Edward to get over himself, when Edward claims that he is someone special. The ceiling of the TV studio breaks open and an alien space ship lands on the stage. Five aliens emerge from the ship looking for John Edward. They want to take him back into space, where he has been nominated for award of "Biggest Douche in the Universe." Back at Denver's airport, Chef and the Cartmans realize that they've left the pot roast with Kenny's soul in baggage claim, but they are too late to retrieve it when we find out that: ROB SCHNEIDER IS "KENNY." Out in deep space, John Edward wins the award. Kenny dies while he was trapped in Rob Schneider's body. He was being chased in the commercial for the Kenny movie and died while having his head pierced through a flagpole.

My Future Self n' Me

The boys find a discarded joint, the boys fear if they touch it, it will lead to harder drugs. Stan tells them they are stupid for believing everything they are told. He takes the joint and throws it away. A huge electrical storm rages through South Park. At the Marsh home, Stan and his grandfather are watching The Osbournes. The TV channel gets changed over to the news, where they are reporting that a naked man, who claims he is from the future, is on the loose. That naked man knocks on the door of the Marsh home and says that he is Stan, from the future. He tells them things that Stan would only know. He mentions that in the future, he was doing some drugs during an electrical storm and found himself back in the past. Randy and Sharon are convinced that he is Stan and they decide to let him stay. Old Stan stays with Stan in his room and the following morning he joins Stan and the others at the bus stop. Stan introduces his 32-year-old self to the others. Cartman is delighted at the result of Stan being a loser in the future. After school Stan stays to be tutored by Butters in their schoolwork, because he doesn't want to become his future self. Butters mentions that his life has gone downhill since his future self joined him about 4 months ago. Stan goes to Butters' home to see Old Butters; he decides it is too much of a coincidence that there are two future selves in their time. He looks at Old Stan's wallet and finds an entrance key that expires in 2002 for a company called Motivation Corp. He and Butters go "off on an adventure" and discover that both of their future selves are fakes. The company creates them to help parents talk to their children about drugs and alcohol. Stan is mad and decides he needs to do something to get back at his parents for lying to him. Butters makes a decision to, it's time to let Stan in on a horrible secret, Professor Chaos. After seeing Butters in his costume, Stan tells him that it's okay if he is gay. Stan and Butters decide they want to runaway and are looking for a destination, when Butters finds an ad for "The Parental Revenge Center of Western America." Stan calls the number and makes an appointment. When they arrive at their appointment, they find out that Cartman is the principal behind this new business. Cartman tells them that parents only respond to consequences, which he will give them in a very real and direct way. Randy and Sharon report to Motivation Corp. that Old Stan is working out well. Back in Cartman's office, he lays out a plan for revenge on Butters' parents, involving smearing poo on all the walls of their home. His plan for Stan parent's home is along the same line, but Stan rejects that idea. Cartman's other idea is more extreme, Stan decides to do something on his own. At dinner he tries to trick his older self into revealing himself, but it doesn't work. He tells his parents that he doesn't believe his future self is real, that it is an elaborate hoax. For proper motivation, communication should be direct and honest. His parents respond by trying to keep the lie alive. Cartman personally supervises the smearing of the poo on the walls of the Stotch family home. At the Marsh home, Stan plays hardball with his parents. He is going to cut off his left hand. Stan fakes cutting off his left hand, and Randy responds by hacking Old Stan's left hand off as well. Stan arrives at the Butters' house and tells him they just need to run away. Butters' parents return and see the poo smeared on the wall and realize that they were wrong for lying to their child. They confess their guilt. Randy and Sharon arrive and continue to lie to him. He tells them that he knows about Motivation Corp. They finally come to understanding about their need to communicate openly and honestly about drugs and alcohol. Randy Marsh knows who to blame, Motivation Corp. Outside Motivation Corp, the Randy, Sharon and Stan are with Cartman as they hear the screams from inside the building. Cartman's company has created another smear campaign. Cartman says that all this talk about future selves has given him the realization that he should take better care of himself. A man comes up to him and congratulates him for this moment, the moment where he changed his life. He becomes successful in the future and starts his own time travel. Cartman, not believing a word of it, as he is leaving calls the man an asshole and vows to eat his way through childhood and "do what he wants." The man's size increases and he becomes a fat man with a toolbox.

Red Sleigh Down

Kyle's cousin Kyle calculates how naughty Cartman has been this year. Cartman wants Santa to bring him a cool new toy called Haibo. It's a robot doll that you must care for, else it dies. Looking at the naughty/nice balance sheet, Cartman has been far naughtier than nice this year. Cartman searches for a way to be so nice that will adjust the balance back in his favor. He starts by being nice to everyone, which makes Kyle and Stan suspicious. The mayor's speech about Iraq and those less fortunate gives Cartman an idea and gets Stan and Kyle to help him out. Jimmy is set to light the town's Christmas tree, but decides that he wants to sing a song first. Jimmy starts singing "The Twelve Days of Christmas." Cartman has decided to bring Christmas to Iraq. Skeptical that Cartman can pull that off; Stan and Kyle want to know why Cartman is really trying to this. Mr. Hankey arrives on the scene and thinks that Cartman is really full of the Christmas spirit. He suggests to the boys that Santa Claus can help them out. Mr. Hankey uses Christmas magic to whip up the "Poo-Choo Express." He takes Cartman, Kyle and Stan to the North Pole to meet Santa Claus. Meanwhile, Jimmy is singing about the 3rd day. At the North Pole, Mr. Hankey introduces the boys to Santa Claus in his "Fortress of Solitude." They also encounter the underpants gnomes, who work there two months out of the year. Cartman tells Santa his idea, which Santa agrees is good. Santa makes plans to make a special run to Iraq. Meanwhile, Jimmy is singing about the 4th day. Over Iraq, Santa is spreading Christmas cheer, when his sleigh is shot down. Santa crash-lands in the center of Baghdad. The gnomes fear that Santa is dead, but Santa radios in that his legs are broken, all the reindeer are dead and he is very sad. Then the Iraqis take him prisoner and the radio goes dead. Cartman is disappointed that he won't get his Haibo robot doll, revealing to the other boys that that was his plan all along. Stan and Kyle are annoyed with Cartman for ruining Christmas. They think all is lost, until Cartman says "Christ," which gives them the idea that Jesus can help them. Back in South Park, Jimmy is singing about the 5th day. The boys and Mr. Hankey use Santa's backup sleigh, complete with backup reindeer (Steven, Fluffy, Horace, Chantelle, Skippy, Rainbow, Patches, and Montel) to find and fly to Jesus. Cartman tries having a precious Christmastime moment, which Kyle tells him is not going to get him any nice deductions. It's going to take more than that to make up for Santa being shot down. Meanwhile, in South Park, Jimmy is singing about the 6th day. In Iraq, Santa is interrogated and tortured to find out what he knows about America's plans for Iraq. The boys find Jesus who agrees to go with them to rescue Santa, but first he loads with a little Christmas miracle, automatic weapons. Meanwhile, in South Park, Jimmy's singing has made it to the 7th day. Santa is still being tortured as Jesus, Mr. Hankey and the boys arrive "in a magical Christmas adventure" to rescue him. In South Park, Jimmy sings about the 11th day. Jesus takes out several Iraqi soldiers and heals Santa's legs as he and the others prepare to escape. Santa takes out a little time to give his torturer a special present. The alarms begin to sound as Jimmy is in South Park still singing away. Jesus is shot by an Iraqi soldier. Before Jesus dies from his wounds, he asks Santa to make sure that they don't take away their Christmas spirit. Santa, Mr. Hankey and the boys make their escape and take to the air. Cartman reminds them why they came here and Santa agrees. He unloads some Christmas filled weapons on Baghdad. Back in South Park Jimmy finally finishes singing his song. He lights the tree the bulbs burn out and Christmas is ruined, that is until Santa flies overhead and brings it to life. Santa has returned the boys home. Santa takes time out to remind everyone that Christmas is a special time of year, but it was almost lost this year, but for the sake of one man. Santa pronounces that Christmas should be a day for everyone to remember that brave man named Jesus. With that, he leaves telling Stan, Kyle and Cartman to look under the tree. They each find a Haibo robot doll under the tree. While it is what Cartman wanted, he doesn't want it now, since Stan and Kyle both have one. Stan comments that it turned out to be a pretty special Christmas, when Kenny joins them and things are back to normal. Kenny returns in this episode and doesn't die; Jesus wasn't as lucky, but then like Kenny he has been resurrected before.

Cancelled

With some minor changes the boys are at the bus stop seemingly reliving events that they went through 6 seasons earlier; that is Kyle "kicking the baby" his little brother Ike and Cartman talking about his strange dream, which the other boys identify as visitors. When Chef shows up at the same time he did in the past and they ask him the same questions they did before, they decide that they are in a repeat. They remember it all starting when Cartman had an anal probe. Chef takes the boys to see a proctologist. The doctor seems to find everything is normal with Cartman's ass, until he activates the button that causes the "alien hoobajoop" to pop out. When the probe retracts, Chef decides they need to take Cartman for some real help. So he takes the boys to see his friend at the space center. Chef explains the situation to his friend Jeff. To get the probe reactivated, Cartman demands that Kyle be the only one to stick his finger in Cartman's ass. Every time that Kyle gets close to touching his ass, Cartman farts. The fart jokes go on for a while until Kyle gets pissed off and "charges" his finger right into Cartman's ass. The probe comes out and starts transmitting a signal into space. Jeff deciphers the message that is being sent and they discover it contains images from Earth. When the transmission is complete, the probe retracts into Cartman's ass. Jeff theorizes that he could reverse the polarity of the signal, so they could find out what the aliens are sending back. It only serves to draw the aliens to the space center. Chef and the boys escape, but the aliens are in high speed pursuit. In a Dukes of Hazzard style car chase, Chef and the boys escape the aliens; but while Chef is outside the car gloating about his success, the aliens beam up the car and the boys. The boys awaken to find themselves on board an alien spacecraft orbiting Earth. The head alien guy appears to them in the form of Randy Marsh. When the alien realizes they don't like that form, he starts trying out a number of different forms, hoping they will find one that is acceptable. Chef goes back to the space center to find out if Jeff has figured out what the aliens are up to. Jeff eventually figures out that alien transmission contains binary code. The head alien still hasn't found a form the boys would find acceptable, so he asks them what they want. Cartman suggest that he take the form of a taco "that craps ice cream." The taco tells them that the only reason they wanted to get to them was so they could fix the uplink relay in Cartman's ass. He is just on 50,000 people in the world with a satellite dish in his rectum. The boys ask why. Are they planning an invasion? The taco tells the boys that they are part of a universe-wide television show. He tells them about their long success with reality television shows. There most successful one is about the Earth. The boys are outraged. Chef and Jeff hold a press conference, where they reveal the content of the message. It's a commercial for the television show Earth. The Earthling's are delighted at the news that they are on TV and they run out of the room in excitement. The aliens fix Cartman's anal probe and is set to return the boys to Earth, when the taco takes a phone call where he finds out that the show has been cancelled. The reason, the Earthlings have found out they are on a TV show, the network feels the ratings will drop as a result. The boys plead with the taco to let them talk to the network executives. The taco tells them that no one has ever successfully gotten the network to un-cancel a show once the phone call has been made. The intergalactic wrecking crews come in to strike the Earth set. Jeff realizes that they aliens are planning to cancel Earth. Meanwhile the boys get their meeting with the network executives, but first the executives take them lunch. They are told they should be happy that their show lasted 100 episodes. The aliens take the boys to their equivalent of a strip club and then later to a hotel with a prostitute. Jeff theorizes that they could create a computer virus that they could use to disable the alien wrecking crew's ship. Chef tells him that's a stupid idea. At the hotel room with the hooker, Kenny pulls out his Polaroid and takes a compromising picture of the network executives. The boys use the information of what they've seen and Kenny's photographic proof to coerce the network executives to keep the Earth show on the air. The boys promise the aliens that they will deliver them higher ratings than ever, with lots of wars and violence. The boys have returned to the bus stop with their memories erased and the only clue they have that something unusual might have happened to them is the picture Kenny has of two green things sucking each other's shoulders. Chef thinks the picture might be important and they should hold onto it.

Krazy Kripples

It is stand up comedy night for Jimmy, only there is no one in the audience, except for Butters. Everyone else in town is seeing an appearance by Christopher Reeve. Jimmy is outraged and he goes to where Christopher Reeve is making an appearance to support Stem Cell research. Jimmy finds the boys and is angry with them for not showing up, he put together a comedy show and he has been crippled since birth [unlike Reeve]. Stan and the boys decide that they should probably stay out of this fight and decide to go off and play with their trucks. Jimmy finds a kindred spirit in Timmy. Christopher promises everyone that in the coming days he will prove that Stem Cell research is a miracle. Jimmy and Timmy form a club for those who have been crippled since birth. They flaunt it in front of the boys, who don't want anything to do with it. Jimmy and Timmy try to get T-shirts made for their new club, "The Crips." They find out that Denver all ready has a club with that name. So they go to Denver to join up. Meanwhile on the Larry King Show Christopher Reeve shows that Stem Cell research has allowed him to raise his arms. Reeve illustrates how he gets Stem Cells to help him out, by taking a fetus and cracking the back of its neck open and sucking out the insides. It affects him immediately by giving him a greater mobility with his arms. In a run down neighborhood in Denver, Jimmy and Timmy look for "The Crips." They find them and introduce themselves. To join they first have to "pop some punk ass Bloods." Jimmy and Timmy travel to the convenience store where "The Bloods" are hanging out. As they are crossing the street a tanker truck crashes into the store, killing 13 members of "The Bloods." With this amount of kills in one night, Jimmy and Timmy are full members of "The Crips." Back in South Park, Jimmy's parents are becoming worried about their son's new friends. At the Stem Cell Research Center, Christopher Reeve announces to everyone present that with Stem Cells he can now stand. At City Wok, Jimmy and Timmy (dressed in their gang paraphernalia) come in to order some Chinese Food. The owner (who doesn't want any trouble) gives them all the money out of his cash register and their food order. Jimmy's parents talk with him about his recent behavior. He tells them that he can't tell them about his new super-secret club. Christopher Reeve is pacing, awaiting his arrival of new fetuses. His old movie nemesis, Gene Hackman tries to talk him into playing with the hand he has been dealt. Reeve refuses and no longer wants to be called Christopher; he now just wants to be called "Chris." At Jimmy's house, "The Bloods" take a few shots at the house. The special gang unit from Denver comes to take a report and determine the only way these boys (Jimmy and Timmy) are going to get out of their gang is to get killed. Jimmy realizes that something must be done to bring "The Crips" and "The Bloods" together. He decides that lock in at the recreation center is the solution. He'll bring "The Bloods" and Timmy "The Crips" to the center, where they will be locked in overnight. Christopher Reeve shows off his new strength, garnered from the Stem Cells. Hackman continues to try talking him out of his Stem Cell about. Reeve responds by picking up a car and throws it at Hackman and the crowd. Then Reeve bounces out of town laughing manically all the way. In Denver the gangs have been assembled at the recreation center and are poised on the brink of an all out war. In the meantime, Christopher Reeve has set up "A Legion of Doom" with Bin Laden, Saddam, Professor Chaos, General Disarray and others. Reeve's only purpose in forming this group is to get rid of Hackman. Gene Hackman and other enter the legions headquarters to inform Reeve that a ban has been placed on Stem Cell Research and that "his fetus sucking days are over." Hackman also promises that Reeve is going to put into a place where he will never be able to touch another fetus again. The gangs are ready to fight, until a Jimmy says a "C'Mon" at the right time that causes both gangs to decide to try having fun together. Some of the gang write and perform a song about it. Up in space, Christopher Reeve is spinning off into the distance in a "Phantom Zone" threatening Hackman that he will be back. Back on the ground, Stan, Kyle, Cartman and Kenny are glad they've kept out of this one.

Toilet Paper

The boys are in art class, but they think it is for gay wads. Because of their attitude in class, the teacher decides they need to stay after school. For revenge, Cartman decides they need to toilet paper (TP) her house. They obtain a large quantity of toilet paper and go to their art teacher's home. They do the deed and escapes, but Kyle has misgivings about his part in the crime. Kyle has a TP nightmare. At school the next day, the boys get called into Mr. Mackey's office. Outside the office the try to get their story straight and they agree to let Cartman do the talking; only Mr. Mackey calls them into the office one at a time. Cartman is afraid that Kyle might "Jew us out." At the teacher's home, her husband has just cleared all the toilet paper away, when Officer Barbrady covers the place with his crime scene tape. He has begun an investigation into the matter. Kyle again has nightmares, when he wakes he decides he needs to tell his mother. Only Cartman is there to stop him. A la "Silence of the Lambs" Officer Barbary goes to the juvenile hall to seek advice from Josh, a notorious TP. Josh agrees to help Barbrady, but only if Barbrady agrees to tell Josh why he gave up on his aspirations to become a big city cop. Barbrady shows Josh the crime scene photos and Josh finds out that Barbrady joined the academy because his Uncle Charles used to hit him with a belt. In return for that information, Josh tells Barbrady that he should be looking for males from 8-10 years old and he should find out where large quantities of toilet paper were recently purchased. At school, Cartman talks to Stan and Kenny about Kyle being their weakest link. He suggests that they kill Kyle to keep him quiet. Naturally Stan and Kenny are against this idea. At police headquarters, Barbrady gets the store clerk to identify the toilet paper used in the "TP" incident. Cartman takes Kyle for a boat ride out onto Stark's Pond, where Cartman plans to do away with Kyle. He tries to kill him with a Wiffle Ball bat. Since Kyle can't live with his guilt, he agrees to let Cartman kill him. Barbrady returns to Josh for more advice. Josh gets Barbrady to spill more about his relationship with his uncle and his father, he then tells him to find disgruntled students in the teacher's class. They are his most likely suspects. Stan and Kenny join Cartman and Kyle out on Stark's Pond. They tell Cartman that he doesn't need to kill Kyle. The police have arrested someone who has confessed to the crime. Cartman asks if he can continue to Kyle anyway. At the police department, Officer Barbrady shows the boys who they've arrested. After 40 hours of interrogation Butters has been locked up for the crime. Kyle tries to confess, but Cartman stops him. They leave the police station, but then Stan and Kenny begin to agree with Kyle. They decide they will tell the art teacher in class the next day and allow her to decide their fate. Only Cartman doesn't seem to like this plan. Butters' parents arrive at the police station, angry with him because he's confessed to a crime he couldn't have committed. He was with his parent's the night of the incident. Cartman rows the other boys out onto Stark's Pond, where he it appears he plans to do away with them all. He tries to kill them all with the Wiffle Ball bat. Officer Barbrady brings Josh to Principal Victoria's office, to identify the perpetrators of the crime. Then Stan, Kyle and Kenny come into the office to confess their crime. Only Cartman has beaten them to the punch. He has confessed on their behalf, as a result Cartman (for coming forward) gets only a 1 week detention, while the other boys get 2 weeks. In the meantime, Josh has escaped from police custody and later calls Officer Barbrady before he commits his plan to TP the White House.

I'm A Little Bit Country

Mr. Garrison tells his students that there is walkout scheduled today to protest the war. If the students are against the war, they are free to go out and join the protest, if they are for the war they must stay in class. Regardless of how the children really feel about the war, getting out of class is more desirable to them than staying in class is. Outside of school, the anti-war protest is in full swing. The boys are given protest signs by Mr. Mackey and then a television reporter asks them how they feel about the war. The boys don't really know how to respond, so they recite the words that appear on their signs. Meantime, the pro-war demonstrators arrive of the scene and the boys find themselves in the middle of a debate about what the founding fathers would think about this protest. When the boys are quizzed by the TV reporter on what they think about the founding fathers position they (actually Cartman) respond by indicating that they don't know who the founding fathers are. Mr. Garrison is disgusted that the children don't know about the founding fathers, so he assigns all the children (in study groups of 4) a report on 1776 and the founding fathers. The boys start studying for their report, with the exception of Cartman who keeps trying to have a flashback to 1776 as a way to get out of the work. In the streets of South Park, the townspeople decide to try and divide town in half. Each side of town on the opposite side of the war issue; after realizing how fruitless this proposition is, they go back to beating the crap out of each other. Stan, Kyle and Kenny witness Cartman attempting to knock himself out in order to flashback to 1776. The pro and anti-war protestors go to the mayor's office, each protesting the other's use the town square on Saturday. Cartman tries to drown himself and a Tivo full of history programming into setting off his flashback to 1776. This time to his delight, it actually works. He encounters a man who is on his way to Thomas Jefferson's house to pick up an important document. He joins the man on his journey and sings a song about the fact that he is in 1776, without Stan and Kyle. At the hospital, Cartman is in a coma and the doctor believes he won't recover. Stan and Kyle are pissed off that Cartman has gotten out of helping out with their report. In 1776, when Cartman finds out that he can't meet founding father Thomas Jefferson, he kills the messenger boy and takes his place. He gets the Declaration of Independence from Jefferson, with instructions to deliver it to the Continental Congress. Stan, Kyle and Kenny are trying to work on their report, when the anti-war protestors (led by Randy and Gerald) decide the might be able to use the boy's report at their peace protest. The pro-war group (featuring Jimbo, Ned and Kenny's dad) arrive on the scene. Kenny's dad takes him away, leaving Stan and Kyle to work on their report alone. Their fathers tell them they are counting on their report to show that the anti-war protest is something the founding fathers would agree with them. In 1776, Cartman delivers the document which is read completely in front of the Continental Congress (including an addendum by Cartman about free ice-cream every Thursday). Back in the present, both sides of the war issue are protesting in town square. The mayor reminds them that they must share the stage. Randy Marsh gets into a rock (anti-war) / country (pro-war) duet with the leader of the pro-war group. Back in 1776, a divided Continental Congress debates going to war with England, while Cartman watches. Stan and Kyle are brought on stage to present their report, but they confess for a number of reasons why they didn't do their homework. It doesn't mean anything to the protestors anyway, as they just start beating the crap out of each other again. In 1776, the debate rages on until Benjamin Franklin makes his feelings known. He believes they could become a country that could go to war, but at the same time also make it appear like we don't want to go to war by allowing people to protest. " an entire nation founded on saying one thing, and doing another." Cartman gets it now, and wakes from his coma. Cartman goes to town square and makes his report. Both sides realize that Cartman is right. Stan and Kyle are disgusted that Cartman has actually saved the day. Both factions come together for a rousing song climatic song that eventually concludes, "For the war, against the war. Who cares? 100 episodes!"

Fat Butt and Pancake Head

Kyle makes a great well thought out presentation at a cultural diversity program celebrating Latinos. Cartman also makes a presentation, only his isn't as well thought out. His is on Latinos in the arts and the major part of his presentation is the Jennifer Lopez hand puppet out of his hand a la Señor Wences. Cartman wins the $20 grand prize for his presentation. At the mall, Cartman's J-Lo hand puppet insists that he spend the money on making a music video. The song recorded is called "Taco-Flavored Kisses." The videotape gets sent on to a record company, where the executives become excited about their new find. Realizing that the real J-Lo won't like their new talent, they know the must fire her. They sign the J-Lo hand puppet to a record deal, which requires Cartman to write 10 songs that will be recorded the following week. Cartman dreams of how he is going to tell Kyle about his record deal and making him cry, while his hand puppet dreams of life in the spotlight. The real J-Lo gets fired and is enraged when she hears about her replacement. She returns to her limo and the waiting Ben Affleck. She decides to go to South Park, Colorado to take care of this new Jennifer Lopez. Cartman delights in telling Kyle about his record deal. As Mr. Garrison begins to teach his class, the real J-Lo and Ben Affleck arrive on the scene. She is looking for her replacement. Everyone remains silent, until Cartman's hand puppet starts mouthing off. J-Lo confronts her replacement and warns "her" to back off. Ben Affleck comes out of the limo to try calming her down, but he finds himself strangely attracted to Cartman's J-Lo hand puppet. The pair leaves town and Cartman decides he won't record the album; that is until his hand puppet insists on it. After spending all night in the recording studio, Cartman wants to sleep, while his hand puppet wants to practice "her" dancing. The next morning, Ben Affleck arrives at the Cartman home with flowers for the J-Lo hand puppet. At his hand's insistence, Cartman spends the day being romanced by Ben Affleck. Ben Affleck gets an opportunity to kiss Cartman's J-Lo and then he slips "her" his tongue. This leads to the start of some "red rocket" style action, which disgusts Cartman who immediately leaves the car, separating the two lovers. At the recording studio, the J-Lo hand puppet has developed an attitude. They leave for the night and outside the studio, the real J-Lo uses a baseball bat to beat the crap out of Cartman's hand. Cartman is discharged from the hospital and gets to recover at home. The next morning he wakes to find a naked Ben Affleck in bed with him. Ben Affleck announces his engagement to the J-Lo hand puppet. Cartman appeals to the other boys for help with his situation. Kyle is skeptical, expecting Cartman to call them stupid for believing him. His requested for help denied, Cartman leaves, only to found by Ben Affleck, the record executives and the real J-Lo. They chase him to the bridge, where the police are able to subdue the real J-Lo. Cartman's J-Lo hand puppet removes the wig and reveals his identity as that of Mitch Connor, a "run of the mill" conman. Kyle is skeptical of this new revelation. Mitch Connor cashes in his last chips and commits suicide with a cyanide capsule and disappears from Cartman's hand. Everyone leaves except the boys. Kyle asks who Mitch Connor was. Cartman can't explain it and asks if them (with all the strange stuff that goes on in this town) if they can believe his doesn't know. Kyle agrees that it is possible, and Cartman tells him that he got them. The real J-Lo is now a member of the "La Taco" family.

Lil' Crime Stoppers

The boys offer their services as "junior detectives." There first case involves the case of a disappearing cherry pie. They quickly resolve the case, but because of the influence of television news, spin an unusual twist in telling how the crime came to pass. Rather than just the dog getting the pie and eating it for himself, they speculate that the victim's husband had been plotting to kill her to get his hands on the pie. With their first case solved, the boys set up shop as detectives. Kindergarten girl Sarah Peterson comes into their office to report the disappearance of her doll. They begin casing the Sarah's room, the possible scene of the crime, when another group of boys enters the room flashing their FBI badges. The FBI takes over jurisdiction of the case. Our boys leave the scene but decide they are going to solve the case anyway, so they start by bringing in everyone for questioning. The first person they grill is Butters. Kenny and Cartman play good cop bad cop with Butters, who doesn't know anything. Cartman demands that Butters give them a semen sample. Butters tries to comply by pulling on his wiener, but nothing is coming out. A tip comes in about a doll being seen near Fossy's house, and the boys leave, leaving Butters in the bathroom trying to give them a sample. The boys stake out Fossy's house. Cartman tries to send Kyle hand signals, to no avail. They confront Fossy and Flick and are trying to decide how to proceed, when "The FBI" arrives. They take over the scene, but our boys decide they won't be counted out and they enter Fossy's house from the back. Cartman goes "slo-mo" and the boys rescue Sarah Peterson's doll. The boys return the doll and for their efforts are brought to police headquarters for Park County, where they are rewarded for their efforts by Lt. Dawson. They are made real "junior detectives." Now that they are a real part of the squad, he gives them their first assignment, to break up a meth lab. Despite knowing what a meth lab really is (or what danger they really might be in) the boys go to the address of the meth lab. Through a fortunate series of events, the men running the meth lab all meet their fate via gunfire, real fire, and traffic and plane accidents. Back at County police headquarters, the boys are reprimanded by Lt. Dawson for their handling of the case. The boys apologize for not leaving any witnesses alive. The boys go to the showers, where the other Park County detectives try to dress these new hot shot detectives down. Some of the detectives (Murphy and Jenkins) ask them if they'd taken a little off the top, when they took the meth lab down. Of course our boys are clueless as to what they meant by that comment. In the showers Kyle and Cartman wonder if they shouldn't just go back to playing "Laundromat owners," Stan tells them they can go back if they want, but he wants his playtime to mean something to him. At the Cartman home, Eric returns home and finds that Butters is still there trying to give his semen sample. Cartman tells him to keep trying. At school the next day, Mr. Garrison is trying to teach the children about the feminist movement of the 1960s, while our boys are falling asleep in class. Lt. Dawson interrupts the boys' class time and brings them to his office, where he tells them that the meth lab was just the "tip of the iceberg." A paper trail from the meth lab leads to a strip club, where Lt. Dawson is going to send the boys in undercover. Kyle is more interested in doing his homework. The boys are leaving the office, when two of their fellow detectives want to know if the Lt. knows about their "bonus money." The boys still don't really know what those detectives are talking about and say as much, but the detectives don't believe them. And when the boys are out of ear shot, comment about the boys "They're lying. They're dead." The boys arrive at the strip club, and they tell the bouncer that they know the owner. They are brought before the owner, who doesn't know them. The owner invites them to join their family. One of the criminals recognizes them for being cops. The gunfire begins, with the criminals using real bullets and our boys using their fingers. The boys' backup arrives on the scene and detectives Murphy and Jenkins are exposed for their interest in the meth lab. Det. Hopkins comes to the boy's aid. Outside the strip club, the real FBI has arrived on the scene to take over. Inside Murphy and Jenkins get the upper hand and decide to cut out the meth lab boss and take 100% of the profits. Then Murphy takes out Jenkins and then himself. The day has been saved and despite the boys unorthodox methods, Lt. Dawson plans on making them full detectives. Stan decides he has a better idea, and they go back to playing "Laundromat Owners" in Cartman's basement. Butters arrives with his semen sample, after pounding on his wiener for 2 straight days. Thinking about the boobs of Stan's mom did the trick for him.

Red Man's Greed

The boys along with Stan and Kyle's parents go to the Three Feathers Indian Casino. While the parents gamble, the boys go the comedy club, where they are exposed to some Native American humor. After a few hands of blackjack, Gerald Broflovski is down $26,000. He admits that he has a gambling problem, a problem which caused him to lose the family house. When Kyle tells him that "this place sucks and he wants to leave" Gerald uses it as an opportunity to hide the fact he has lost their family home. The casino owners, led by Chief "Runs with Premise," realize that if they want to see real cash flow, they need to bring in people from the city. To do that, they need to build a superhighway between the casino and Denver. The path of this new highway will go straight through the town of South Park. At a town meeting, the mayor tells the townspeople what is going own. The townspeople decide they will try to buy the town before the Native Americans do. First they need to raise the necessary $300,000 overnight. The adults are at a loss as to how to accomplish this. It's up to the boys to come up with a plan; Cartman's plan to give Kyle AIDS is dismissed. The boys propose that if they take the money the townspeople have raised and bet it on one number on the roulette wheel, their $10,000 will become $350,000. The townspeople decide to play the long shot. Randy Marsh places the $10,000 on 31 black. The roulette wheel is spun and 31 black comes up. They've won! Gerald (with his gambling problem) speculates they could take the $350,000 and turn it into $12.5 million. The townspeople decide to "let it ride" and wind up with nothing. The boys are disgusted with their parents. Randy tells his son that he doesn't understand the finer points of gambling. Stan compares their greed to that of the Native Americans, which just makes his father angry. The townspeople get their checks for their homes. The boys try to get the adults to fight. The construction equipment comes to tear apart the town, only the heavy equipment is stopped by the presence of the boys in the middle of the street. The boys are joined by the adults and together they all plan to block the street, for as long as it takes. Back at the casino, the owners hatch a new plan to give the South Park residents blankets that are contaminated with SARS. Chinese people are rubbed on the blankets. On the third day of the sit-in, the Native Americans bring their blankets as an offering of good will. The following morning, the town is infected with SARS and the town is quarantined. Randy tells Stan (who's not infected) that he must find a cure for SARS. He sends him to seek out the wise man in Bellow Creek. Stan arrives at the trailer of the wise man, who takes Stan on an inward journey (via sniffing paint thinner). The Native Americans are waiting for SARS to wipe out the town. The chief finds out that his son "Premise Running Thin" has also been infected by SARS. The medicine man isn't able to cure his son. Back in South Park, Stan arrives with the cure for SARS, Campbell's Chicken Noodle soup, DayQuil and Sprite. Everyone gets the remedy and quickly return to good health, just as the Native Americans arrive with their plan to raze the town. Chief Runs with Premise sees that the townspeople have cured themselves. He asks for their help in curing his son. He offers to give them each $5 credit at the casino, but changes his mind and agrees to let them all keep their homes. In the end, Alex (a boy who's appeared throughout the episode) sums it all up by saying "Well I guess we all learned that South Park is more than just a town. It's a community that nobody can split up." To which, Stan replies "Dude, who the hell are you?"

South Park is Gay!

Stan, Cartman last year the boys wanted to be black and now they are trying to be gay. Kyle decides he really doesn't feel very "metro-sexual" and Chef tells him that he should just be himself instead of what is currently cool. In class Mr. Garrison discovers that all the boys in his class have become gay. Kyle's entrance wearing his regular clothes gets the other boys to accuse Kyle's friends of being straight. Mr. Garrison and Mr. Slave go to the local bar and discover to their delight that everyone inside is dressed like they are gay. When Mr. Garrison can't get any action he is outraged. On the playground, Kyle is looking to play football. Cartman, Stan and Kenny decide they might need to kill Kyle so they won't be associated with him anymore. Kyle gets berated by all the other metro-sexual boys and his old friends won't have anything to do with him, not even Stan. They leave and Kyle gets beaten. A beaten Kyle returns home to find out that his father has also joined the metro-sexual movement. After seeing Queer Eye on television, Kyle realizes what he has to do. Mr. Garrison and Mr. Slave go to Chef for advice. He recommends that they just try to adjust by staying ahead of the culture. Realizing he doesn't have time for that, Mr. Garrison realizes what he needs to do. Kyle runs into Mr. Garrison and Mr. Slave on the train to New York. They both plan on killing the Queer Eye guys. Meanwhile the women have become discouraged by the way there men are acting, especially when they are at the mall. In New York, the Queer Eye guys are on top at their network. Tomorrow they are going to make over the President of the United States. A knock is heard at heard at the door. Mr. Garrison and Kyle enter with a room service food cart and Mr. Slave tries swinging in and breaking through a window. Back at the mall, the boys start fighting and their fathers get involved. The women insist that they all stop their fighting. Randy thinks that the women are all "metro-phobic." Cartman suggests that they have a metro-sexual pride parade. The Queer Eye guys decide not to press charges against Kyle, Garrison and Slave. Mr. Garrison pleads for the gay culture, but the Queer Eye guys don't care. Realizing that this doesn't make sense, Mr. Garrison realizes that the Queer Eye guys aren't actually gay at all. The Queer Eye guys reveal their true nature; they are "Crab People." The Crab People take Kyle, Garrison and Slave down to their lair, where they see many other crab people. They take the three humans and attempt to do a crab people makeover on them. Meanwhile, back in South Park, the Metro-sexual pride parade is underway and the women of South Park realize what they need to do. In New York, the President is about to get his makeover and the women of South Park storm the studio and kill the Queer Eye guys. The producer threatens to send the women to jail, until one of the Crab People crawls out of one of the lifeless bodies. The producer comments that the Crab People tried this before with The Jeffersons. He promises to eliminate their gay programming. The boys want Kyle to join them in a game a catch. First he tries to tell them that after the way they treated him, that he just can't forget that it ever happened. Stan tells him not to be such a "whiny little gay wad." Kyle gives in and rejoins his old friends.

Christian Rock Hard

The boys have a band called "Moop," but decide that they need some inspiration and direction for their music. Cartman suggests that become a Christian Rock band. Kyle responds by throwing him out of the band. Cartman bets Kyle $10 that he will get a platinum album before he does. Cartman then sets out to put together a band; he gets Butters (on drums) and Token (on bass). Kyle asks his father for $300 so that he can buy CDs to help his band find their sound. When his dad refuses to give him the money it turns out it doesn't matter anyway, Kenny tells them they can download music for free. The boys start downloading music for free until the FBI swoops in and arrests them, meanwhile Cartman, Butters and Token work on their music. The FBI agent takes Kyle, Stan and Kenny and shows them what the impact of their downloading music for free has done. Recording artists are going to be doomed to a life of semi-luxury. Cartman takes Token and Butters to a beach where he shoots the cover for the first album cover for FAITH + 1. The parents come to collect their children from the FBI. The boys decide that even if they got their band going again, everyone would begin to download their music for free; instead they decide to go on strike and refuse to play. Cartman stops by their protest to report that he has sold 13 copies and is well on his way to getting his platinum album. Kyle reminds him that he needs to 1,000,000 copies. Cartman plans on selling his album at "Christ-Fest". At the festival Cartman realizes that to boost his sales, he is going to have to get their band on stage. He tricks one of the performing bands and FAITH + 1 takes their place on stage and they play to a packed house. Back in South Park, Metallica and other artists join Moop in their strike against music downloading. A big record company agrees to promote and sell FAITH + 1's album. Still on strike, Moop receives word that Cartman has achieved his goal; he has sold 1,000,000 copies of his album and they are invited to the platinum album ceremony. Kyle realizes they were so wrapped up in trying to protect their music they forgot to just play. Real artists play for the love of music, not the money. Moop ends their strike; the other artists that joined them confess that they are only in it for the money. Cartman has spent all of FAITH + 1's money on the awards ceremony. Kyle tries to give Cartman his $10 bet, but Cartman gets the proceedings underway. The record company comes out and presents Cartman with FAITH + 1's first myrrh album. It seems Christian rock albums are awarded in gold, frankincense and myrrh. When Cartman realizes that he can never get a platinum album with a Christian rock band (and never win his bet with Kyle) he takes the Lord's name in vain and then some.

Grey Dawn

At the South Park Farmer's Market, Priest Maxi is holding a memorial service for the nine people who died the previous day when they were run over by a senior citizen who still holds a driver's license. The proceedings are marred by another unfortunate senior related driving incident. Stan asks his father why old people are still allowed to drive. Randy's father overhears his son's opinion and his own feelings on the matter be known, he still wants to be able to drive. Out on Stark's pond a man is fishing in his boat until a senior motorist drives off the bridge and kills him. The news covers the recent rash of senior related driving tragedies. Grandpa Marsh and the other seniors have a meeting at the community center to decide what to do. Of course they have trouble remembering why they are all there. They eventually remember and Grandpa Marsh decides they should have a meeting. They then realize that are a having a meeting. When Randy finds out about the meeting he becomes worried, realizing that when the meeting is over, all the seniors will be driving on the road at the same time. Randy goes into the town and the farmer's market and shouts out a cry of alarm. He asks Gerald where the boys are. The boys are playing street hockey. Randy manages to save the boys and they try hiding in a house. Only the house gets overrun by seniors making the wrong turn and going the wrong way (even on the second floor). The state of Colorado has demanded all seniors turn in their driver's license and the seniors are not delighted. Stan's grandfather wants him to accompany him, in the car, to go and pick up his new Hover Round. All the boys accompany Grandpa Marsh on the trip, theorizing they'll be safer if they are in the car. Grandpa's driving is at the current senior standard of bad and Officer Barbrady pulls the car over and takes Stan's grandfather to jail. Randy is reluctant to bail his father out, but his father doesn't care, the AARP is sending their aid. Outside of his classroom, Mr. Garrison sees a large number of old people dropping out of the sky. The AARP has air-dropped in reinforcements. They begin taking hostages and liberating their colleagues from the retirement home. "The revolution is on" and the AARP has taken over the town. To show they mean business, the AARP starts killing hostages. More reinforcements arrive but then so does the military. The seniors list their demands, their driver's licenses, more Medicare and keeping those kids and their skateboards off the sidewalk. The children find their parents under lockup. Randy tells the boys that since they get up early, they are the only hope for getting the town back. While trying to figure out what to do, Cartman suggests they blow up the Country Kitchen Buffet. Stan suggests they just go inside and lock the door from the inside. The AARP plans on taking stronger action, but their plans are thwarted when they start starving to death outside of the Country Kitchen Buffet at 6:00 AM. Their defenses weakened the hostages are released. Grandpa is turned back over his family. Stan sums up the lessons learned by the Marsh family today, that Randy shouldn't treat his father like a child and that Grandpa should be proud to be a senior, but he should realize that he is a killing machine when he is driving.

Casa Bonita

Kyle comes over with news that he can invite 3 of his friends to his birthday celebration to Casa Bonita, Colorado's version of a Mexican Disneyland. No one is more excited than Cartman, since it is one of his favorite places in the whole word; however, Cartman has always been a dick to Kyle, and Kyle isn't inviting him. Kyle is taking Butters instead. Later that night, Cartman dreams about the great time he would have at Casa Bonita. Determined to go, he tries to be nice to Kyle, but it doesn't work. Cartman gives up trying to be obviously nice to Kyle and apologizes for his past transgressions. As a reward, Kyle tells Cartman that if for some reason Butters can't make it to his birthday, Cartman can take his place. That was all Cartman needed to hear and he invites Butters over to his house, where he tells him about a meteor that he's been observing in his telescope. The meteor is on a collision course for Earth. For their safety, Cartman directs Butters to Jimbo's bomb shelter. He convinces Butters to stay there, while he goes for help. It's time to go to Casa Bonita and Butters is late. Cartman arrives in time to give Kyle a present and get invited to take Butters place on the trip. Before they leave, Butters' parents come to the Broflovski house looking for their son. With Butters missing, Kyle decides they can go to Casa Bonita some other time and he and the other boys (sans Cartman) go in search of Butters. While the citizens of South Park are forming search parties, Cartman goes to the bomb shelter and gives Butters the illusion that the meteor has struck the Earth. He tells him that he needs to stay in the shelter for at least six days, which will be after Cartman gets his trip to Casa Bonita. The search has gone on for 3 days, the leader of the search party mentions amongst other things that bomb shelters should be searched. Cartman races to the bomb shelter and gets Butters to come out of the shelter with him, only Butters is wearing a cardboard box over his head so he can be safe from the toxic radiation. Cartman feigns a battle with the cannibals that he's told Butters are prevalent in this post-meteorite world. Cartman sticks Butters into an old refrigerator, which is taken to a dump, shortly after Cartman leaves. Cartman celebrates the fact that there are only a couple of days left until he gets his trip to Casa Bonita. Meanwhile, Butters has gotten the refrigerator open and he believes that the dump he finds himself in is all that is left of South Park. Even though Butters is still missing, the boys are on their way to Casa Bonita. At the dump, Butters is found by someone he believes is another survivor, but she quickly brings him back to reality. Outside of Casa Bonita, Sheila receives a phone call telling her that Butters was found and that the police are looking for Eric Cartman. Cartman, realizing that he's been found out, tries holding Kyle hostage and then he pushes him aside and runs into Casa Bonita and starts to have the good time he's been dreaming about. Cartman cliff dives to evade the police, but at the bottom the police finally have him cornered. One of the officers asks him if whether panicking the town, losing all of his friends and the week he will spend in juvenile detention was worth it. A very contented Cartman says "Totally."

All About the Mormons?

A new student joins the 4th grade. His name is Gary Harrison and he originally comes from Utah. The kids decide that someone needs to kick the new kid's ass and Stan is chosen. Gary understands what Stan has to do and he is going to let him do it. Stan gets confused and returns to the other children telling him that he has an invitation to go to Gary's home for dinner. Stan goes to dinner and finds he is there for their "Family Home Evening," where the family does their best to entertain each other. There is music, singing, story telling, and other goings on. Then they plan to start reading scriptures from the book of Mormon. Stan is confused and the children insist that their father retell the story of Joseph Smith. That tale is retold with music and song "dum dum dum dum." Stan returns home and questions his religious upbringing. Randy Marsh decides he needs to go over the Harrison's house and kick some ass. Randy Marsh goes to the Harrison house to complain but he meets the family and they are just so nice to him. Realizing that Randy was concerned about their telling Stan about their religion they assure him that they never intend to force their religion on anybody. Randy inquires about Joseph Smith and Mr. Harrison tells him of the further adventures of Joseph Smith and how he came to find the golden plates, which contain another testament of Jesus Christ "dum dum dum dum." Randy returns home, telling Sharon that he has invited the Harrison's over for dinner tomorrow evening. He also announces that the Marsh family is going to become Mormon. The other boys start to bust Stan's balls about his new relationship with Gary. The other boys leave and Stan asks more about Joseph Smith and Gary tells him the tale of how the book of Mormon was written from Smith's ability to translate the golden plates "dum dum dum dum." The Marsh family has their first "Family Home Evening" together and the Harrison's come over for dinner. Randy tells them that Stan is having a crisis of faith and Mr. Harrison tells them the best part of the Joseph Smith story, the one that proves he was for real. The tale of how publisher Martin Harris "dum dum dum dum" and his wife Lucy "smart smart smart smart" came to publish the book of Mormon is retold. The story only reveals to Stan that the Mormons believe that Joseph Smith is a prophet, despite the fact that Smith made it all up. The Harrison's are okay with Stan's decision. They leave the Marsh home and go on their merry Mormon way. The next morning at the bus stop, Stan rejoins his old friends. Gary arrives and justifies his choice of religion and points out Stan's shortcomings. He closes by telling Stan to "suck my balls."

Butt Out

The children are assembled in the school gym for the anti-smoking presentation "Butt Out!" The cheesy song, dance and stupid dialogue bore the children. At the end when the boys hear that if they don't take up smoking, they'll be just like the singers and dancers, they immediately decide to take up smoking. They are trying smoking behind the school, when Mr. Mackey almost catches them. Before he arrives the boys manage to throw their cigarettes into the dumpster. Mr. Mackey realizes (after the dumpster and subsequently the school catch fire and burn down) that the boys have been smoking. In Principal Victoria's burnt out office, the boys await their punishment. The parents arrive and want to disown their children, but they realize that "Big Tobacco" is to blame for their children's deeds. They contact Rob Reiner, who between mouthfuls of food, decides to bring his "Smoke Stoppers" campaign to South Park and the nearby "Big Tobacco" plant. Anticipating that things are going to get out of hand as usual, Kyle suggests that they come clean about their smoking and keep their parents from causing things to get out of hand. Since there is a punishment waiting if they do confess, the other boys aren't interested, they don't believe it will happen again, despite Kyle's thoughts to the contrary. A rotund Reiner arrives in South Park, with big plans to stop "Big Tobacco." Between eating Rob Reiner lays out his plans to take down the Big Tobacco Company with help from the boys. When someone in the bar where they are meeting is smoking a cigarette, Rob Reiner goes off on him and plans to get smoking banned from all bars and restaurants in Colorado. Because he is able to force his will upon others, Cartman thinks that Rob Reiner is his idol. At the Big Tobacco plant, the boys (and Rob Reiner in disguise) take a musical and informative tour of the plant. Rob Reiner takes the photo he wants and brings the boys back his "Smoke Stoppers" headquarters, where he plans to make the photo incriminating. Reiner finds out that his bill to get smoking banned from bars and restaurants didn't pass. It seems that the people of Colorado aren't convinced about the dangers of second hand smoke. So Reiner's next plan is going to involve one of the boys appearing a commercial about second hand smoke. Cartman is enamored with Reiner and is anxious to get the commercial. The other boys leave and Kyle tells the others that he wants out of this situation; he just knows in the end the whole town is going to turn out for a big showdown with an obligatory lesson. Stan and Kenny agree with him and they are all about to leave when Cartman shows up challenging them for the commercial. Kyle informs him that they don't care, but Cartman is oblivious. Cartman tries to prevent Kyle from being able to appear in the commercial, he jut doesn't believe that Kyle doesn't care. Kyle tries to tell him that the anti-smoking people are liars and bullies who will stop at nothing to get what they want. Cartman gets to be in the commercial and begins reading the words on the teleprompter, which say that he'll soon be dead from terminal lung cancer caused by second-hand smoke. Cartman realizes for their plan to work, he is going to need to die. Rob Reiner tries to convince Cartman to be a hero. Cartman runs to the other boys for help; he realizes that maybe he can get help from "Big Tobacco" and he convinces the boys to accompany him. Kyle tries to get the boys to break the formula so that they won't wind up in a standoff with everyone in town. Given the choice of that, or being grounded for three weeks they go to "Big Tobacco." As Kyle has predicted, there is a standoff between "Big Tobacco" with the boys and the people of South Park and "Smoke Stoppers." Rob Reiner (between mouthfuls of food) reveals his plan that Cartman must die for their commercial to be effective. As he also predicted, Kyle gives the lesson that he has learned and call's Reiner and his organization nothing more than fascists. This gets the people of South Park back on the side of "Big Tobacco" and the boys get their grounding.

Raisins

The boys are playing trying to play football when Bebe interrupts Stan to tell him that Wendy is breaking up with him. Although he hasn't talked to her in weeks, he takes time to reflect on their relationship. He asks Kyle to find out why she broke up with him. When he doesn't like the answer, he wants more info, but Kyle doesn't want to be in the middle. He asks Jimmy to give her a follow up message, but Jimmy's stuttering might only make it worse. Stan is really distraught at this turn of events. Kyle and the guys decide to take Stan to "Raisins" to show him that there are other girls out there. "Raisins" is a lot like Hooters, only with pre-pubescent girls as the servers. Butters is enamored with the place and their server Lexus, who he gives an extra tip when he leaves and is extra delighted when Lexus wants to see him again. Kyle attempt to get Stan interested in the "Raisins" girls didn't work. Stan decides he needs to take charge of his relationship with Wendy and he goes to Bebe to send Wendy a message. Bebe offers him some advice instead, "stand outside her window, hold a boom box over your head and play Peter Gabriel." Stan plays "Shock the Monkey" outside Wendy's window, but finds that Token is inside her bedroom. Butters tries to make a connection with Lexus, but her only interest in him is to get him to come back to the restaurant and leave her another big tip. Stan can't believe that Wendy is love with someone else. Since he's been moping around for the past few days, Kyle tells him that maybe he should go hang with the Goth kids who are always talking about being in pain. The Goth kids go through spiel and Stan decides that it might be for him. Butters is the first customer through the door when "Raisins" opens for business and he reconnects with Lexus. Stan works on becoming Goth by reading one of his pain poems. Butters tries to get an advance on his allowance. When asked why, he tells them about his new girlfriend. His parents are delighted that he's not gay and they agree to accompany him on a trip to meet his girlfriend. Stan "Raven" is hanging out with the Goths at Benny's when Kyle comes into get him to return to his conformist life. A long as Wendy is with Token then Stan doesn't care to return and believes that no one should care about him. Butters takes his parents into "Raisins." His parents try to explain to him what Lexus and the other "Raisins" girls are doing. Butters doesn't believe them and plans on moving out, until he hears from her that they've broken up (not that they were ever together in the real world). Butters finds himself on the same path to despair that Stan was on. The Goths happen upon him and after hearing about his pain offer to let him join. Butters says no thanks, he loves life and believes that he has to take the bad with the good. Butters says he would rather be "a crying little pussy than a faggy Goth kid." What Butters said makes sense to Stan who decides to go home and rejoin his old life and he comes to terms with breakup with Wendy.

It's Christmas in Canada

The Brovlofski family is enjoying their Hanukah celebration when there is a knock at the door. Ike's Canadian birth parents have come to take their baby back. The new Canadian prime minister has made it legal for them to this. After legal action doesn't work they have no choice and they must let Ike (Peter) go back with his parents to Canada. Kyle asks his parents if they can go to Canada and talk to the new Canadian prime minister. His parents tell him that it will take money that they just don't have. Stan, Cartman and Kenny are looking in the window at the Christmas toys when Kyle joins them. Kyle is worried about his parents, they've been depressed since Ike left a week ago, and he asks the other boys to accompany him to Canada to go to see the new prime minister. Cartman refuses, he has no plans on missing Christmas, and he also suggests that maybe this happened because Kyle is a Jew at Christmastime. At a town square Christmas celebration, Chef suggests that they give the money they would have spent on presents to help the Brovlofski family to appeal to the new Canadian prime minister. The whole town is in agreement and Cartman is pissed that his chance of getting Christmas presents has been ruined by Kyle. Kyle suggests that they could go to Canada and talk to the prime minister, get Kyle back and save Christmas. Stan agrees to go, but only if he can get back in time to have a great Christmas adventure. Cartman also tells Kyle if this plan doesn't work, that they are going to have it out once and for all. There is no business at City Wok, people don't eat Chinese food at Christmastime, but all is not lost for the City Wok owner, since he also runs City Airlines. Kyle negotiates a deal to get them all flown to Canada. Kenny is reluctant to get on the plane, feeling he might die as a result. The boys are on their way to Canada. The boys and the pilot are all asleep when the plane begins to develop trouble. The pilot bails out, leaving the boys to crash-land in the magical land of Canada. The denizens of Canada welcome the boys in song. Then they are scared off by the arrival of Scott, who doesn't want any Americans in Canada. Scott is sent away, but promises to be back. The denizens then sing to the boys that to see the new prime minister they are going to need to go to Ottawa by taking "The Only Road." The boys start their journey when they encounter a Mountie, who's riding the back of a sheep; the new prime minister has cut their funding so they can no longer afford horses. The Mountie wants to join the boys on their quest to see the new prime minister. The boys and the Mountie continue their journey and enter into French Canada. A mime wants to join their group; the new prime minister has made it illegal for them to drink wine in French Canada. The ever growing party continues its quest, until they once again encounter Scott. Scott is driven off again by a "Newfie." The "Newfie" wants to get a new sodomy law repealed and he agrees to join them. He also tells them that they've been traveling in the wrong direction; Ottawa is in the other direction. When wishing themselves to Ottawa doesn't work, the "Newfie" offers the use of his boat. Cartman is running out of time to have his Christmas saved and he reminds Kyle of his promise to have it out, once and for all. They arrive at the gate of Ottawa. They are told the new prime minister isn't there. Disappointed, the boys begin to cry, each for a very different reason. The gatekeeper relents and brings them inside to see the prime minister. The boys and their companions are brought before the great and powerful prime minister. The evil Scott is there with Ike and his birth parents. Kyle tries to plead his case with the PM, but he is not changing his mind. His new laws will stand. The PM lashes out with his great power and Kenny is killed. Stan notices something moving behind a curtain and goes to investigate. He pulls the curtain back and finds Saddam Hussein is operating the controls that make the PM work. Saddam is taken out of his spider hole and placed in custody. All of the new laws are repealed and Ike's birth parents agree to let Ike return to Colorado. The alarm on Cartman's watch goes off, it is now officially Christmas and he is in Canada. He is now going to have it out with Kyle. Cartman gets prepared for battle, but before he can land his first punch, Kyle hits him in the face and Cartman begins to bawl like a baby. The boys get to spend Christmas Canada-style. In the end Stan laments that maybe they will get to have a Christmas adventure next year. Kenny dies when the PM lashes out; however, is he really dead? I guess we'll need to wait until next season for that answer.

Good Times With Weapons

The boys are at the county fair and they see a collection of "Martial Art Weapons of the Far East." Of course, the boys are too young to purchase the weapons and with some acting they convince the dealer that their parents are dead and he sells them the merchandise. With their new weapons in hand the boys become Ninja warriors in a widescreen Anime style. They decide to go to Craig's house to show off, but Kyle is worried if they show off too much their parents will find out. At Craig's house they show of to him, Token and another friend. They leave and then encounter Butters but they quickly discount him. Butters returns home and becomes Professor Chaos, with his first task to deliver a pie to the Thompsons and then find the other boys. Cartman reveals that he has yet another Ninja power, his fifth. Kyle tells him that they are only allowed to have one power and they take away all of Cartman's powers. Then the Ninjas find they have a sworn enemy in Professor Chaos and a battle ensues. Cartman gets his powers back from Kyle and uses them to turn Kyle into a chicken; meanwhile the battle with Professor Chaos rages on. Kenny uses one of his Ninja throwing stars and hits Professor Chaos in the eye. Suddenly reality returns and Butters is there with a throwing star stuck in his eye. The boys are worried and try to figure out what to do about getting Butters help without letting their parents know that they have the weapons. Stan tries to remove the star to no avail. Cartman gets the other to use their Ninja reasoning to help get them out this situation. They decide to disguise Butters as a dog and take him to an elderly veterinarian for treatment. On their way to the vet, they encounter Craig, Jimmy, Clyde and Token who now all have Ninja weapons of their own. Despite our boys attempt to not get anything started, a full scale widescreen Anime Ninja battle (complete with song and subtitles) ensues. The battle comes to a halt as our boys realize that Butters has disappeared. Butters meanwhile is wandering around aimlessly and finds his way to Hells' Pass Hospital. The doctor there mistakes him for a dog and suggests they call the animal shelter. The story so far is recapped and the boys are still searching for Butters. Kyle suggests that they ditch their weapons to allow them to deny they had the weapons when their parents find out. Cartman tells Kyle that the Jew in him won't let him throw $15 away; Kyle tries, but Cartman is right. At the animal shelter Butters is placed in a kennel with a dog that craps on him. Back at the fair the boys try to return their weapons, but Craig and company arrive and report that they've seen Butters on the other side of the fairground. They see where Butters is, but it's on the other side of the auction, where all of their parents are in attendance. Cartman decides to use his special Ninja power of invisibility to go and get Butters. Cartman disrobes for the full effect and naked begins to make his way across the front of the stage. The auction goes quiet and Butters makes an appearance on stage and collapses. Later an emergency town meeting is held. The adults are outraged about what happened. That being that Cartman's penis was exposed on stage and with the local public access coverage of the auction; the exposed penis was also seen on cable television. Cartman cites it as "a wardrobe malfunction." Kyle, Stan and Kenny are relieved that their parents are more worried about exposed flesh than they are worried about violent weapons.

Up the Down Steroid

Jimmy and Timmy ask the boys if they will come and cheer for them at the Special Olympics next Saturday in Denver. Jimmy and Timmy are at the training center and on his way to the locker room Jimmy is approached by someone who offers to sell him steroids. Jimmy decides to try them as a "performance enhancer." Cartman finds out that the winner of the Special Olympics will win a prize of $1000. Cartman thinks it would be easy for a normal person to win the prize. The boys think it is terrible what Cartman is planning to do, Kyle threatens to tell. In a musical montage, Cartman begins working on what it will take for him to become a competitor in the Special Olympics. Meanwhile, Jimmy has become hooked on steroids and no one, not even his new girlfriend Nancy has found out. Cartman tries out his new look on the Kyle, Stan and Kenny. Kyle tells him that he needs a parent to be with him to sign up for the Special Olympics. He tries to get his mother to help him sign up; he tells her a really good lie and she agrees to go with him. In the locker room Jimmy's bag falls over and his steroids fall out, right in front of Timmy. Jimmy tries to justify his use of steroids, but Timmy isn't buying it. Timmy is training hard and Jimmy is ready to break some records with his improved performance. Cartman gets his mother to sign him up and Timmy sees Jimmy shooting up steroids. Timmy goes to see Mr. Mackey and tries to tell him about Jimmy's steroid use, although Timmy's only words "Timmy" and an occasional "Jimmy" doesn't help to get his message across. Kyle goes to see Cartman and expresses his feelings that he has a moral problem with what Cartman is planning to do and well as finding it offensive. He tells Cartman that he is really going to hell this time. Cartman again tells Kyle, who hasn't yet seen "The Passion " where it was revealed that hell is reserved for the Jews and non-believers in Christ. Kyle is left speechless by Cartman's last comment. Bigger, due to his steroid use, and wearing a "wife beater t-shirt" Jimmy starts beating on Nancy (and later his own mother) when she stops by to talk to him about missing their date. The steroids have unlocked an emotional rage within him. The Special Olympics get underway. Cartman participates in his first event and loses by a large margin as he does in every event in which he competes; meanwhile to Timmy's disgust Jimmy is winning (and setting records in) every event in which he is competing. At the end of the day, Jimmy is given the big award by Mark McGwire, Jason Giambi and Barry Bonds. Cartman is going to be given the Spirit Award (a $50 Shakey's gift certificate) for coming in last in every event. Jimmy knows that Cartman isn't special and is disgusted that Cartman would try cheating to win. Then Jimmy sees the look in Timmy's eyes after he's made that statement. Jimmy confesses his steroid use and insists that all he did today be stricken from the record; he further comments that anyone with steroid enhanced records should also do the right thing and come clean. Cartman tries to play off to the others that the only reason he did what he did was to help Jimmy learn his lesson about steroids. They of course don't believe him.

The Passion of the Jew

The boys are playing shuttlecraft "Spontaneity" in the new minivan that Cartman's mother has purchased. They go on an away mission and Cartman, as usual, gives Kyle a hard time about being a Jew, in this case a "Vulcan Jew." Cartman again tries to Kyle that in the movie "The Passion " that the Jews are the devil, he's seen the movie 34 times and he knows that the Jews had plenty of opportunity to save Jesus, but didn't. Stan and Kenny are tired of hearing them argue about the film and they decide to leave. Cartman tells Kyle that he is scared of learning the truth about the Jews. Kyle debates and then decides to go and see the movie for himself. He endures the film and its depiction of the final hours of Christ's life. When he leaves the theatre, he wonders how the Jews could have done that to Jesus. He goes to Cartman's house and tells Cartman "he was right," a statement that Cartman relishes. Cartman prays to a picture of Mel Gibson (in "Braveheart") and promises to organize the masses and spread the word about "The Passion " Stan and Kenny decide they need to see the film, but their feeling about the film is that it sucked and they want their money back. Stan calls it a "snuff film" and the guy at the box office tells them to go see the producer of the film if they want to get their money back; meanwhile Kyle is having nightmares about the film. Stan and Kenny try to get in contact with Mel Gibson by calling a 1-800 number they've found on a website. Stan dials the number which brings him in contact with someone who is running "Mel Gibson's ‘The Passion' Fan Club," and they want to know how to contact Mel and get their money back. The guy on the phone, who Stan realizes is Cartman isn't any help other then telling them that Mel Gibson lives in Malibu. Stan decides that he and Kenny need to go to there, because it's no longer about getting their money back, it's about holding the filmmaker responsible, just like how they got their money back for "BASEketball." Cartman is dressing in a brown uniform and getting ready for the meeting he is holding in his backyard. People have gathered in the yard to celebrate their rediscovery of their Christianity. The eight-year-old that is holding the meeting has some different ideas. Cartman suggests those in attendance take one more person to see "The Passion ," before they begin the cleansing. Out in Malibu Stan and Kenny make their way into Mel Gibson's mansion. They see the man himself, but Mel Gibson starts going "daffy" while telling them that he won't be giving them their ticket money back. Back in South Park, Kyle talks with Father Maxi about Jesus and his Jewish friend can do with his guilt. Father Maxi suggests "atonement" for Kyle's friend, which gives Kyle an idea. Stan and Kenny manage to get their money and escape from the lunatic Mel Gibson. In a rally outside the theater where "The Passion " is being shown Cartman begins speaking German and his crowd of followers mistake his words for Aramaic, the language spoken in the film. He gets the crowd to march after him speaking the phrase "Wir müssen die Juden ausrotten." Kyle goes to his temple and suggests to the gathering that the Jewish community needs to apologize for the death of Jesus. Kyle's parents and the others are disturbed by the effect the movie is having on people. The rabbi suggest that we live in a rational society, where people will realize it is just a movie; however, after he makes that statement outside the temple Cartman is seen goose-stepping with his followers down the street. Meanwhile on the bus back from Malibu, Stan realizes that Mel Gibson is chasing after the bus to get his $18 back. The Jewish congregation marches on the theater and demands that the movie be removed from the theater, while Cartman and his group come from the other direction. Their dialog about the film is interrupted by the arrival of Stan and Kenny's bus being chased by Mel Gibson. Gibson's tanker truck explodes in front of the theater. Cartman sees Mel and tries to offer the services of his following, but Mel is has gone off the deep end. Seeing Mel's behavior makes Kyle wonder why he was freaked out by that guy's movie. Stan makes a point about what Christianity should really be about, which the crowd finds agreeable. In the end Mel Gibson lets Cartman know what he really thinks.

You Got F*cked in the Ass

The boys are playing with their mini-RC racers when another group of kids approaches and they "serve" the boys by out dancing them. The dancing kids leave telling the boys that they've been served. The boys go to Chef to find out what it means to be "served." Chef tells the boys to relax and then he tells Stan's mother. When Stan gets home his father finds out about him being served. Randy takes his son into the garage and teaches him how to serve back. The boys get served again, only this time there are witnesses and Stan is prepared. Stan serves them back and Chef witnesses the retaliation, but he's arrived too late: "it's on." South Park's five best dancers will compete against the kids from Orange County (OC). Sharon Marsh tells her husband that he's done it now: "it's on." Randy Marsh goes to try telling the coach of the OC dancers that it's "not on," but the coach isn't falling for it and serves one up to Randy Marsh. Only Randy winds up in the hospital, because he was "served up something fierce." Stan reluctantly finds himself in charge of the South Park team. Of course South Park doesn't have a dance team, and he goes on a quest for dancers. He starts by asking the Goth kids, but as they are such non-conformists they aren't interested. Except that one of them decides he is such a "non-conformist" that he decides to conform and joins the team. Together they go to the arcade where there is a kid who dances really well to a video game. The kid agrees to join them, but tells them that he only knows how to dance with the machine. The Goth says they need a girl for their team, otherwise people will think they're gay. They go to Raisins, where Stan knows the girls there can dance. One of the girls joins them and also suggests that they ask the former state tap dancing champion, who lives in South Park, Leopold Stotch. Stan realizes that it's Butters. They go to Butters home, but the prospect of dancing again fills Butters with terror. Butters' mother tells the troupe that he hasn't danced since "the tragedy." So the troupe goes to find another dancer and settle for a dancing duck named Jeffy, when they can't find anyone else. Later that night Butters has flashbacks about "the tragedy," which occurred when one of Butters' tap shoes flew off his foot. The shoe knocked down one of the spotlights, killing a member of the audience, then additional lighting rigging falls killing many others. Chef gets ready to train South Park's dancers. When he sees what they got, he realizes that it ain't much and they are going to need a lot of work. Stan goes to Butters to plead with him to get over "the tragedy" and stop running from it. "It's on" at the convention center and the winner is going to get to appear in Little Kim's next video. The contest is about ready to begin when Jeffy the duck has sprained his ankle. South Park might have to forfeit, when Butters appears asking if he can join the competition. The competition begins and the OC dancers start. South Park starts their dance and Butters breaks into his tap routine. Unfortunately "the tragedy" is repeated as Butters' tap shoe flies off and knocks down one of the lights, killing one of the OC dancers. The OC coach comes out to join the other OC dancers and then their entire team is killed when the lighting rig falls on them. With the competition wiped out, South Park wins and everyone in town is delighted, everyone that is with the exception of Butters who is horrified by the repeat of "the tragedy."

AWESOM-O

A special package arrives for Butters from Japan. He opens the crate and it contains a robot named the A.W.E.S.O.M. – O 4000. AWESOM-O (whose voice sounds like Cartman) introduces himself and promises to be his new best friend. AWESOM-O wants to know Butters secrets and he is told about Butters' sphincter problem and other secrets, including the fact that he knows a secret about Eric Cartman, the kid who always picks on him. Butters has a videotape of Cartman dressed as Britney Spears dancing around a cardboard cutout of Justin Timberlake. AWESOM-O wants to know the location of the tape, so that he might make a backup and stuff. With Butters having this damaging videotape, Cartman commits himself to keeping up the AWESOM-O disguise until he can get his hands on the tape. Butters plays with his new "robot friend" in a musical montage and later that night, since he knows about the sphincter problem, Butters has AWESOM-O insert his medicinal suppository in his rectum. The next morning Butters wakes to find that AWESOM-O has trashed his room looking for the videotape. Butters spanks AWESOM-O for being a "bad robot." Stan, Kyle and Kenny stop by and Cartman tries to tell them that he has to pretend to be a robot for a little while longer. Kyle wants to know why. Since the boys are playing so well together, Linda Stotch asks Liane Cartman if her son can go with Butters to visit his Aunt Nellie in Los Angeles. Despite the fact that he has been grounded for trying to exterminate the Jews two weeks ago, she agrees to let him go. Butters' parents tell the news to the two boys, one of them is delighted, and the other thinks it "lame." Butters and AWESOM-O arrive in Los Angeles and AWESOM-O barely gets some time alone in the bathroom, before he and Butters go sightseeing. At a movie studio Butters is showing off AWESOM-O to a crowd by letting them ask him questions. Some movie executives catch sight of this event and decide that AWESOM-O might be useful in helping them to come up with movie ideas. They bring Butters and his robot into their offices and they get AWESOM-O to come up with ideas. Most of AWESOM-O's movie ideas involve Adam Sandler. Butters takes the money they are making from pitching these ideas ($100 per) and sends it to needy kids. At the Pentagon they have found out about AWESOM-O and his abilities. They decide they want this robot for themselves and plan on turning it into a weapon. They also know that AWESOM-O has been developed by Japan; they are worried that the Japanese will turn it into a weapon before they do. Back at Catamount Studios AWESOM-O pitches another idea and then one of the executives clears the room. Alone with the robot, he asks AWESOM-O if he is "a pleasure model." AWESOM-O indicates he doesn't know what he means, and the executive proceeds to show him. AWESOM-O escapes the conference room only to be captured by the Army. The Army is ready to see what makes AWESOM-O tick, when AWESOM-O comes back online. Cartman attempts to break his cover, but with his arms and legs strapped he can remove his head. The scientist thinks that AWESOM-O doesn't know he is a robot. They think that AWESOM-O thinks it human. The scientist is now against reprogramming the robot and turning it into a weapon. Meanwhile on the streets of LA Butters mourns the loss of his robot friend, when he sees the black van that captured AWESOM-O. The scientist decides to save the life of the AWESOM-O and the robot is about to reveal himself, when Butters arrives on the scene. Butters breaks down and tells the Army that they can't kill AWESOM-O as he is his best friend. The Army is about to relent their position and let AWESOM-O go when AWESOM-O does something uncharacteristic for a robot, he farts. Later, back home in South Park, to everyone's delight, but especially his own, Butters is showing his videotape of Cartman dressed as Britney Spears and dancing with the Justin Timberlake.

The Jeffersons

The boys are riding their Big Wheels down the street when the pass by a house that has just been moved into. They stop and a boy comes to the door and asks them if they are going to be his new friends, to which Cartman responds "no." The boy is wearing a mask and tells them that he has just moved there with his dad, who wanted to get away from it all by moving to a town filled with hicks who don't know anything. He introduces himself as Blanket and wants to know if the boys want to come inside and play. Cartman informs him they are in the 4th grade and don't hang out with little kids. Blanket tells them they have arcade games inside. The boys go inside and find the house is filled with toys and games. Blanket tells them that the toys and games are all owned by his father. He takes them out to the backyard to meet his father, and the backyard is filled with a plethora of games, rides and animals. Blanket's father appears riding a train. His father's fake mustache keeps falling off as he approaches the boys. Blanket almost introduces his father by his real name, but his father stops him in time to give his as Michael "Jefferson." Kyle wonders what has happened to Michael's face, Stan figures he must have been a burn victim or something. Michael invites the boys to come and climb his "Wishing Tree," which he sings a song about. Michael has the boys go and get all the kids to come over and play. The house and backyard are loaded with children. Michael gets the kids to join him on his train and join him on a journey. Cartman has become enamored with Michael and starts sucking up to him. Kyle sees that Blanket is injured and when he can't get Michael's attention he attends to the injury himself. He asks Blanket about his family and Blanket tells him his doesn't have a mother because he was "made in a laboratory." The boys are going home and Cartman is expounding on the virtues of "Mr. Jefferson" and all of his neat stuff. Kyle on the other hand feels sorry for Blanket, since he father seems like he would rather be like a kid rather than raise a kid. Cartman warns Kyle not to screw up this good thing they got with "Mr. Jefferson." Stan returns home and tells his parents about the new neighbor. His mother decides that since the Broflovskis and Stotches are coming over for dinner, she might as well invite "The Jeffersons" as well. Michael attends the dinner and he tells the parents some of his views on children. Blanket's face is still covered which makes it hard for him to eat anything. Cartman comes to the door and accuses Stan of bogarting "Mr. Jefferson." Randy asks Michael how he feels about the Kobe Bryant trial. Michael thinks it's wrong what the police do to rich black man. At police headquarters they've identified that "Mr. Jefferson" is rich and black and they begin to execute their standard procedures in such cases. Meanwhile, late at night in Stan's bedroom "Mr. Jefferson" appears at his window dressed as Peter Pan. Cartman arrives and is jealous of "Mr. Jefferson"'s presence there. Then Kyle arrives with Blanket, who he found in his backyard and his father isn't at home. Stan tells him that Blanket's father is in his room. Michael tells the boys that he and Blanket can't go home because there is a scary monster there. Stan agrees to let them all sleep over. Everyone gets into Stan's bed and Cartman takes the position next to "Mr. Jefferson." Suddenly Stan screams when he believes he has had a bad dream involving Cartman and "Mr. Jefferson" sharing an intimate moment. Meanwhile the police are in the "Jefferson" house planting cocaine, pubic hair and blood spatter in an attempt to frame the wealthy black man. Stan's parents find "Mr. Jefferson" in bed with the children. Stan's mother forbids the boys from going back to the "Jefferson" home. Michael and Blanket return home and the police are ready to execute their plan, but when the police sergeant sees the pair he believes that they are white and he aborts their plan. The police sergeant throws up at the idea that an innocent man could go to jail for a crime he didn't commit. Later the boys are passing by the "Jefferson" home and Kyle sees Blanket in the window. Kyle asks him if he would like to learn how to chop wood. Michael then appears at the window telling them the Blanket would rather play than do any real work. As an example he shows them how Blanket can fly by dangling him out of the window. The boys realize they've got to get Blanket away from his father. Michael meanwhile tries to console Blanket by playing a game where he takes Blanket's nose. It almost works until Blanket does the same to his father; only in his father's case the nose comes off. Blanket runs away. The police sergeant returns home and tells his wife he is quitting the force, but rekindles the flame that will get him to continue framing rich black people. Cartman goes to the "Jefferson" home and tries to get in. Inside Michael is on the phone to his doctor, he is literally falling apart. Stan and Kyle get Kenny "who finally gets to do something" to substitute for Blanket, while they get him out of the house. The sergeant is back on the job talks to the police department in Santa Barbara who give him compelling evidence that his "Mr. Jefferson" is the wealthy black man that manage to constantly thwart their plans to frame him. Cartman is still trying to get "Mr. Jefferson" to answer his door as Stan and Kyle prepare to get Blanket out of the house. Michael finds them and the hideous appearance of his head (like a zombie from the "Thriller" video) causes the boys to run. He runs into Blanket's room and finds Kenny, who he throws up into the air and kills when he goes through the ceiling. The boys get outside and Michael follows them, only to be greeted by a large contingent of police outside his home. Cartman tries to come to his defense, but it is Kyle bringing to light the obligatory lesson that "Mr. Jefferson" needs to grow up and raise his child, rather than spending all of his time acting like one. "Mr. Jefferson" agrees and decides to give up all his money, which will keep the police off his back, and do things the right way. Michael sings about the "Power of Change" as the credits roll. Kenny dies when (as mentioned above) Michael throws him upwards through the ceiling.

Goobacks

Something otherworldly is happening to the north near I-285. A doorway opens up in the midst of a ball of energy and out steps a man, who quickly learns how to avoid traffic to stay alive. The next day our boys are offering themselves as a snow shoveling service to make money. After Kyle has made his point to Cartman about his lack of work, he has bloodied Cartman's nose the boys see a newsbreak. The newsbreak identifies the otherworldly man as someone from the year 3045 and tells the reporters that he has come back from the future to find work. At the time portal, which follows the one way "Terminator" rules, another man has come back citing the success of the first time traveler's look for work. Stan is intrigued and wants to meet one of the men from the future. More and more immigrants and their families begin to come through the time portal. The boys plan to do some more shoveling when they find out that all their jobs have been taken by time immigrants. The problem starts occurring all over America, time immigrants are taking all jobs for almost no pay and now the present day workers begin to protest the loss of their jobs. The door to the time portal opens wider and many more time immigrants come through the doorway. Stan comes home from the protest to find out that his parents have hired a time immigrant. Stan complains about the arrival of the "Goobacks" and his parents try to enlighten him on the issue and end their discussion by calling him a "timecist." On The O'Reilly Factor in the "no spin zone" both sides of the issue are presented by a "pissed off white-trash redneck conservative" and an "aging hippie liberal douche." At South Park Elementary Mr. Garrison now has to teach the children English and "future speak." Stan protests his need to learn how to speak their language, they came here to our time, and they need to learn how to speak our language. The intolerant red necks decide to take matters into their own hands when the government refuses to help. They decide to stop the future from happening. Someone suggests that they get that "Global Warming" thing going and usher in a new ice age. Stan tries to order a double cheeseburger at a fast food restaurant but can't make himself understood by the "Goobacks" behind the counter and gets pissed off. Unfortunately for him, his parents here the expletives he uses and he gets in trouble. Back at the protest meeting one redneck suggests that they all turn queer to stop the future from happening. The leader of rally embraces the idea and gets the crowd of men to follow him to the "Little Future" neighborhood, where they all get naked and start making love to each other. As part of his punishment Randy brings Stan to work, only to find out when they get there that he has been replaced by a "Gooback" who knows something about geology. At the time border, the naked unemployed rednecks (including Randy Marsh) are trying to get national attention for their cause. It is Stan who suddenly realizes that the only way to get rid of the "Goobacks" is to make the future better for them. His speech sets into motion a series of events (to a musical montage) of the present day people working to make the present pleasant. The plan begins to work as the time immigrants begin to fade away. Soon Stan realizes that doing "this is gay," "this is really gay" says Kyle. Cartman says "this is even gayer than all the men being in a big pile and having sex with each other." Stan apologizes to the crowd and calls for everyone to get back into the pile.

Douche and Turd

The kids are at a pep rally and when the school mascot comes out to do his dance, the gymnasium is overrun by protesters from PETA. They are protesting the use of a cow as the school's mascot. To eliminate the ongoing PETA threat, the school is going to hold an election to pick a new mascot. Kyle suggests that they get everyone to write in "Giant Douche" as their choice. Cartman suggests that they get everyone to write-in "Turd Sandwich." Kenny is on Kyle's side, Butters likes "Turd Sandwich" and Stan doesn't care. After much deliberation Jimmy likes "Giant Douche." The results are in and the top two nominations are the write-in candidates, and now the campaigning can begin. Stan tells Kyle he is not going to vote, he thinks the whole thing is stupid. Stan tells his parents he is not going to vote between a douche and turd, because he doesn't see the difference between the two. Stan gets a visit from Puff Daddy, who enlightens Stan on his "Vote or Die" campaign and that causes Stan to change his mind about voting. Cartman and Butters are out campaigning and trying to get Clyde's vote. Stan shows up at the polls and tells Kyle that he is going to vote. Kyle is all for it, until he sees that Stan has decided to vote for "Turd Sandwich." Cartman tries to make sure that Stan's vote is cast, but Stan decides that despite the consequences he isn't going to vote. Stan and his parents are in Principal Victoria's office, she tells them that for his lack of participation in the election process, Stan has been banished from South Park. Stan is sent out of town on the back of a horse. Stan's horse brings him cross country and into the woods where his horse is saved from being Stan's slave by a group of PETA fanatics. They bring the horse (and reluctantly Stan) to their secret compound. At the compound, Stan is witness to the PETA members love for their animals. To see if Stan can stay at their compound, Stan has to get approval from the group's leader, Dr. Cornwallis, who from Stan's viewpoint appears to be a goat. On the South Park Public Access channel there is a televised debate between the "Giant Douche" and the "Turd Sandwich," moderated by Jim Lehrer. Neither candidate comes off as a winner. At the PETA compound it is apparent Stan isn't fitting in and he is told he should go home. He tells them the how and why of his banishment. Stan learns the most fundamental rule of elections that you will always have to choose between a douche and a turd. Stan is found by Puff Daddy and his men. Puff Daddy's animal skins are hit with red paint, in the ensuing gunfire from Puff Daddy's men; the human population of the PETA compound is killed. Stan, who escaped the melee at the compound returns to cast his vote. While Stan's vote for "Turd Sandwich" wasn't enough to fight the landslide that "Giant Douche" won by his vote was important anyway. That is, it was, until the report comes in about the PETA slaughter and the old mascot is reinstated.

Something Wall-Mart This Way Comes

Cartman bets Kyle $5 that you crap your pants when you die. The town is abuzz; the new Wall-Mart store is having its grand opening. The building is built on the space where Stark's Pond used to be. The doors open and inside we find Grandpa Marsh employed as the greeter and Jimmy help with the carts. There are bargains galore everywhere; Cartman is delighted that he can get 3 copies of "Timecop" for $18. Stan asks his dad why Wall-Mart is able to sell stuff so cheap, his dad says he doesn't know, but he knows he loves it. Later that night Randy Marsh has become obsessed with the store, he goes there late at night hoping to get him some bargains, but finds there are many other people there with the same idea. Kyle doesn't want to go to Wall-Mart but finds out that that Jim's Drug Story has to close down because it can't compete. Cartman, of course is on the side of Wall-Mart. The boys go to the town's Main Street, but find that it is all boarded up and looking much like a ghost town. Stan wants to tell his parents about what is happening to their town. When he returns home he finds his dad is wiped out after a marathon shopping at Wall-Mart. The citizens gather together to confront the manager and tell him they want him to close their store. The manager tells them that it is out of his hands, the store has taken over his life. He gives them a message to meet him out back in 5 minutes, but before that happens the manager commits suicide by hanging himself and as his last act, craps his pants, much to Cartman's delight, Kyle now owes him $5. The whole town has agreed to not shop at Wall-Mart anymore; but the Marsh family goes to the store and find that everyone is still there doing their shopping. They try to come up with a plan to stop the evil that is the Wall-Mart store and Kyle tells them that it only takes self-control to stop shopping there. The town instead decides to burn the store down; but that doesn't stop the store from getting itself rebuilt. Kyle gets Stan and Kenny to accompany him to Arkansas so they can put a stop to the store. The store reaches out to Cartman, who accompanies the boys on their journey. Kyle knows that Cartman is only coming with them to try stopping their effort to get the store closed. They can't find help at corporate headquarters, but they find one of the founding executives at nearby bar. He tells them the corporation's history and tells them about the store's heart, which is located near the television section. The boys leave and the executive kills himself, and to Cartman's delight he craps his pants; Kyle now owes him $10. The boys return to town, with the intention of destroying the stores heart and Cartman tries to stop them, much as Kyle knew he would. They battle the store's ever lowering bargains on their way to the television department. They finally make it there and they meet the store in one its many forms. Kyle and Stan look in a mirror at the back of the television department and see their own reflection. It is just possible that we (the consumer's desire) are responsible for making Wall-Mart such a success. The boys decide to break the mirror anyway and the store begins to implode. They all escape as the store craps itself as a last act. The townspeople decide to begin supporting Jim's Drug in earnest, until they make it too much of a success and the cycle repeats itself.

Pre-School

Stan has important news for the other boys; Trent Boyett is being released from juvenile hall. The boys are worried that he is going to come after them, for what they did to him five years ago. Kyle suggests that maybe after all this time he has forgotten all about it. In a flashback to preschool, the boys get Trent Boyett to start a real fire for them, so they can put it and be heroes and Butters is a witness to the transaction. Our boys aren't successful in putting out the fire and their preschool teacher, Miss Claridge is critically injured in the blaze. When the police question them, the boys stick together with their story that Trent started the fire. They have nothing to worry about; it will be five years before they ever see him again. Well it is five years later and Trent has been released, and he shows no signs of having forgotten what put him there. Butters' parents are worried about him, he been hiding in the house for days. Despite his protests, they send him outside to play and despite his screams for help when he sees Trent Boyett, they ignore him. Butters is confronted by Trent Boyett, who gives him something he never got, a five-second head start. The other boys visit Butters in the hospital, where the doctor runs down the list of things that were done to him. Stan suggests they go out and get some protection, which is to hire someone to protect them. The boys go to the sixth graders to ask for protection, but they might be asking too high a price. They want a picture of Stan's mother boobs. Back in town, Miss Claridge is trying to cross the street in her electric wheel chair, but her battery runs out. Since she can't communicate with them, the townspeople just think she is being cold and later has just given up hope. The boys strategize how to get a picture of Stan's mother boobs. They decide to substitute a picture of Cartman's ass, disguised to look like boobs. They bring the picture and bring it to the sixth graders and they buy it, promising to offer their protection after each of them spends about 3 minutes with the photo. The boys are confident now that they have the sixth grader's protection that is, until they see all the sixth grader's bike outside of the hospital. Trent Boyett has made quick work of the sixth graders. The boys find out that the sixth graders have told Trent Boyett who hired them and now they are really worried, so worried that there is only one person for them to turn to, Stan's big sister Shelly. Stan tells her the truth about the Trent Boyett, she agrees to give them protection, but only if Stan and the boys make an apology to Miss Claridge and make amends. In the middle of the street, Miss Claridge remains, no one has bothered to just push her off the street. The boys find her there and begin to make their apology, but then Trent Boyett shows up. Trent is about ready to get his revenge when Cartman pulls out his mother's Taser. Cartman threatens to use it and when Trent Boyett makes a move, Cartman fires it. He misses Trent Boyett but hits Miss Claridge's electric wheel chair. The electric shock charges her battery and sends her chair off across the street, where it hits a propane store. She catches fire, destroys a nearby pet store, before stopping on a fire hydrant. The police arrive, Trent Boyett expresses his innocence, but the police don't believe him. The boys are happy again; Trent Boyett is going away for at least another five years. Cartman tries to moon Trent Boyett, but in the process turns on the sixth graders.

Quest for Ratings

South Park Elementary has a closed circuit television network. Jimmy and "Rick" Cartman are the anchors for "Super School News." Stan reports on school lunches, Butters covers the celebrity watch, Token does the weather and Kyle covers sports. They think they've been doing a great job, but the school is canceling their program since it has only gotten a 4 share (4 people watched it all week.) The school is in favor of Craig's show "Animals Close-Up With a Wide-Angle Lens" because it is cheaper to produce and is getting a 57 share in the ratings. Their advisor tells them that kids don't care about the news, they don't find it exciting. The boys are at a restaurant mourning the loss of their show when Craig comes in and they see all the success it has given him. Kenny is working with Craig on his show, as Cartman wouldn't let him participate in their news show. Stan tells the others that they need to figure out how to make their show better. The hold a meeting and come up with idea to rename their show the "Sexy Action News" and they should make up news stories and add Panda Bears for the small children. Jimmy wonders about the ethics of what they are planning to do; Cartman says 4th graders don't even know what ethics mean. Cartman talks with Token about whitening up his speech, to help with the ratings. "Sexy Action School News" debuts with features on the new uniforms for the Raisins girls and the "Panda Bear Madness Minute." Jimmy comments "this isn't the news, this is a travesty." Jimmy has a real news story to report, but Cartman and the others aren't interested, they'd rather jeopardize their integrity. After all, their ratings are up over Craig's old show; unfortunately they are behind his new show "Close-Up Animals With a Wide-Angle Lens Wearing Hats." As a result their advisor tells them they are going to get a grade of F if they don't concentrate on improving the ratings. The boys need to come up with a killer new idea for a show, but they can't come up with any. Kyle tells them that they should do what the 6th graders are doing, and that is to drink a lot of cough medicine so they can begin seeing things in their head. They decide this would be a great way to generate ideas and they go to the drug store where they buy a lot of different cough medicine on the advice of the pharmacist. They go back, take their medicine and begin taking their respective trips. While they are on the cough medicine they discover that even Craig's new show is "cool." The boys recover from their trips and find they haven't come up with any ideas. Stan realizes why Craig's show gets good ratings; half the school is high on cough medicine. The Sexy Action News Team puts together a special report on the cough medicine abuse problem. They even turn in the pharmacist who helped them out. The boy's newscast is a success, they get a 22 share and Craig's show has been cancelled. The boys are approved for twenty-seven new shows and when they can't come up with any new ideas, they decide to bail.

Stupid Spoiled Whore Video Playset

At the South Park Mall, Paris Hilton is making an appearance. Wendy wants to know what she does; the answer she receives is that Paris is a stupid, rich, whore. She is there to open her new store, which supports that position, "Stupid Spoiled Whore." Wendy looks for other friends, because her friends are acting all weird with their Paris Hilton stuff, but even her replacement friends decide to make use of the new "Stupid Spoiled Whore Video Playset." After Paris Hilton's dog shoots itself, Paris spots Butters and decides that she simply must have him. She renames him "Mr. Biggles" and takes him into her limousine. Wendy in the meantime tries to turn to her parents for help, and she has her father on her side for a while, until he falls under the spell of the empowered women at the shopping mall. Butters' parents find out that he is "dating" Paris Hilton and begin seeing dollar signs; they decide to try cashing in. Paris asks them how much for "Mr. Biggles." While his parents debate about whether or not they will sell their son to the heiress, Paris passes out in Butters' bedroom. Wendy tries to fit in with Bebe and the other whores, but she just doesn't cut it. Bebe and the other whores start to invite various boys to Bebe's house for a party, but Cartman doesn't make the cut. Butters parents come to a decision for $200 million they won't sell their son, but if she gives them $250 million it's a deal. Butters doesn't want to be sold, his father tells him if he can raise the money himself, he can stay. To make money Butters goes out to mine coal, just like his grandfather did; meanwhile his parent's seal the deal with Paris. The party at Bebe's house is rocking and Cartman is trying to crash it. Wendy goes to Mr. Garrison's house to get some help from Mr. Slave. She wants advice on how to become a whore. Mr. Slave recounts the tale of his youth, he was born a whore, and it wasn't something he had to work at. "Mr. Biggles" is about to leave with his new owner, until he sees what fate might be in store for him, Butters gets out of the limousine and runs away. Wendy and Mr. Slave go to Bebe's party. Mr. Slave tries to talk some sense into the girls. Paris arrives and the pair gets into a discussion that leads to Paris challenging Mr. Slave to a "Whore Off." The competition begins and Paris comes on strong, including the use of a pineapple, but Mr. Slave easily takes the victory by inserting Paris Hilton where the sun never shines. Mr. Slave again appeals to the girls who've learned their lesson. Meanwhile, the Stotch family is out of the money and Paris Hilton, well she's on a Lemmiwinks adventure.

Cartman's Incredible Gift

Cartman is planning to fly from the roof of his house. While the others have their doubts, Kyle encourages him to do it. Cartman jumps and plummets to the ground. At Hells Pass Hospital, Cartman is in a deep coma for two days from his severe head trauma. In the next bed, detectives are having trouble. They have just lost another victim to the left hand serial killer. The lead detective, upon hearing about Cartman's head trauma decides that possibility that the injury awoken some psychic ability in Cartman is worth exploring. After a couple of can't miss guesses the detective is convinced of Cartman's power, so he brings him to Stark's Pond where another serial killer victim has been found. Cartman sees a vision at the scene, of ice cream with chocolate sprinkles and double stuff Oreos, which leads the detectives to severely beat up and arrest the old man who runs the ice cream parlor. Cartman eagerly accepts the $100 award for helping to find the serial killer. The next day at school Cartman is gloating about his new powers, but Kyle is skeptical. The detectives find Cartman at school, because another body has been found. They attribute it to a copycat serial killer. They bring Cartman to the scene of this crime and he begins seeing visions of fried chicken and powdered donuts. At the crime scene, the real serial killer is standing next to Stan, Kenny and Kyle; only the detectives don't want to hear about it; they are anxiously awaiting the results of Cartman's latest vision. The owner of Kentucky Fried Chicken was arrested for the latest murder and other police departments are now seeking Cartman's help. A group of real psychic detectives come to the Cartman home. They are mad at him because he didn't go through the proper channels to become a psychic detective like they did. He needs to pay a $25 dollar registration fee to the Psychic Detective School and fill out their entry form from the back of a comic book. They also want 10% of his earnings. He tells them to get lost. Together they go against Cartman in a psychic battle, but determine that they are all evenly matched. Instead the psychic detectives are going to bring a class action lawsuit against Cartman; they will see him in court in the morning. Meanwhile, Ms. Veronica Crabtree, an ancillary character who won't be missed, has been found dead and at the crime scene Kyle shows hard evidence to the detectives against the man that he knows is the serial killer. They, of course, don't want to listen, preferring instead to hear from their psychic. Kyle decides the only way anyone is going to listen to him is to be as stupid as Cartman, and he also jumps from the roof of his house. Multiple arrests are made for the latest serial killing; the group of psychic detectives has all been arrested. The real serial killer comes to the Cartman home, angry with Cartman for keeping everyone from seeing his greatness and the extent of his deeds. He kidnaps Cartman and brings him to his lair, where he proceeds to show him the things he has done. A 5th copycat serial killer is on the loose. Kyle's head trauma is made known to the detectives who come to see him. He tells them where they can find the real serial killer. Deciding to use "restraint" this time, the detectives go to visit the real serial killer's home. Despite the obvious evidence all around them, including a number of hands nailed to the wall. However, since the hands aren't left ones, the detectives leave the house. The amazing coincidence of the hands on the wall get the lead detective thinking, but he is going to need to run some tests. After wasting a lot of time, the detective finally comes to the realization that the hands were really left hands after all. Cartman's life is saved. Kyle is congratulated for his work on the case, but he tries to tell them all that no one is psychic. They are ready to believe that, when all the lights go out and shelf collapses as he yells at them to stop their psychic battle.

Woodland Critter Christmas

It's Christmastime in South Park and out in the nearby forest the woodland critters are preparing for their own Christmas celebration. Stan Marsh "the boy in the red poof ball hat" stumbles across their celebration. They ask him to help them get a star for the top of their tree. He creates a star for them and then takes his leave of them. In the middle of the night Stan wakes up to find the woodland creatures in his bedroom. One of their own, the porcupine is the recipient of an immaculate conception and the woodland critters need a manger built for the forthcoming birth. Stan constructs a manger for them, but the group is terrorized by the appearance of a mountain lion. Stan scares the mountain lion away and finds out from the woodland critters that the mountain lion comes down every year and stops the pregnant critter from giving the birth to their lord and savior. The woodland critters call upon Stan to get rid of the mountain lion, which Stan is able to do; however, he finds the mountain lion has cubs. Stan feels guilty about killing their mother and is horrified when he returns to the woodland critters to report what happened and they rejoice and all say "hail Satan!" It seems Satan is their lord and the father of their forthcoming savior. They hold a sacrifice and have a blood orgy in celebration. Stan tries to avoid his responsibility for what he's done, but the narrator of the story encourages him to go back to the forest. The woodland critters tell Stan that they need a human host for their coming savior. Stan tells them he is not a heathen and that he was baptized a Christian and that he isn't going to help them anymore, in fact he is going to stop them. Stan tries to destroy the manger, but the woodland creatures use their satanic powers against him. With another assist from the narrator, Stan remembers that there are still three mountain lion cubs that can kill the porcupine and prevent the forthcoming birth. Stan goes back to the baby mountain lion cubs and tries to convince them that they can stop the birth. The cubs indicate that they are still kids and not really equipped to kill. Stan thinks there still has to be a way for them to kill the baby and one of the cubs suggests an abortion. Now they only need to find out how to perform an abortion, and the narrator suggests the "abortion clinic just outside of town." Stan is resistant, but narrator insists and Stan and the cubs appear at the abortion clinic and the doctor is more than willing to show them how abortions are performed. In a musical montage the cubs learn all about abortions. Out in the forest the woodland critters come across Kyle and find out that he doesn't celebrate Christmas and he isn't baptized, the perfect candidate for the host. Stan and the cubs return to the forest to find that the anti-Christ has been born. The woodland critters prepare to put the anti-Christ into their host Kyle, when Santa arrives on the scene. Santa starts putting a stop to the devil-worshipping critters, while Stan helps Kyle to escape. The woodland critters are all dead and the anti-Christ won't be able to survive without a host. Until Kyle announces that he wants to be the host and make the world a better place for the Jews. Kyle gets himself possessed and prepares to takeover--when back in Mr. Garrison's class Kyle yells at Cartman to stop telling his stupid story, which he is just using as an excuse to rip on Kyle for being Jewish. Yes, the whole tale was just a story told by Cartman, who now must stop telling it; otherwise Mr. Garrison will get a call from Kyle's mother. By popular demand of his fellow students, Kyle allows Cartman to complete the tale. Kyle regrets his possession and Stan gets the lion cubs to perform an abortion. The anti-Christ is removed and Santa kills it. Stan gets Santa to bring the cubs' mother back to life and everyone lives happily ever after, except Kyle who dies of AIDS two weeks later.

Mr. Garrison's Fancy New Vagina

Mr. Garrison is getting a vaginaplasty; meanwhile Kyle is trying out for the all state basketball team. Despite his best effort, Kyle has to deal with the fact that Jews just aren't cut out for basketball. Cartman of course just tries to rub Kyle's failure in, but Kyle readily agrees, taking away the fun of it all. Mrs. Garrison makes her debut around town. Kyle asks his parents about the sex change operation, and his mother tells him how sometimes people who feel trapped in the wrong type body have surgery to reveal their inner self. Kyle asks Mrs. Garrison's doctor about getting an operation to make him tall and black. The doctor recommends a negroplasty. Mrs. Garrison returns home only to have Mr. Slave make his feelings about the surgery known followed by his leaving. Kyle tells his parents that he wants to get negroplasty. They refuse and Kyle's father Gerald goes to see the doctor, with his plan to threaten the doctor with a lawsuit. The doctor keys in on the image of dolphins on Gerald's shirt and starts talking him into getting a dolphinplasty. Mrs. Garrison wonders why she hasn't gotten her period yet; and someone reminds him that is it usually a sign of pregnancy. Gerald returns home, having had the surgery that makes him look like a dolphin. Feeling better about himself, he convinces Sheila that they should allow Kyle to the surgery he wants. Meanwhile, at Planned Parenthood, Mrs. Garrison makes it know she wants an abortion, only to have the doctor give her the stark realities of her surgery; she is not the complete woman he thought he was going to become. Mrs. Garrison goes back to the doctor and demands to be made a man again. Only the doctor tells him that he used the balls for Kyle's knees and scrotum to make the dorsal fin for Gerald Broflovski. Mrs. Garrison demands that the doctor accompany him to retrieve his missing parts. Kyle and his father go to the all state basketball game and Kyle finds that he will be allowed to play. Mrs. Garrison and the doctor find out that Kyle is planning on playing basketball and the doctor explains that the negroplasty was only for looking like a basketball player, not actually being one. If Kyle tries to play, his new knees will explode, they are ticking time bombs. They make it to the arena and get past security, only they arrive too late, Kyle is in the game and they aren't able to stop him from making a slam dunk. When he lands the knees explode. Afterwards, the doctor promises to return Gerald and Kyle back to their normal selves for a nominal fee. Mrs. Garrison decides that she is alright with being a woman; he'd rather be a "woman who can't have periods, than a fag."

Die Hippie, Die

Cartman is going door to door selling his service to remove parasites. The parasites he is looking for in particular are hippies. He warns his client that if he doesn't take care of the problem, they will attract the "college know-it-all hippies." In fact those types are already in town and they teach Kyle, Stan and Kenny what the large corporations are actually doing to them. Meanwhile, Cartman has begun corralling all the hippies that he's captured into his mother's basement. Stan, with his new education has become a hippie. Cartman goes before the city council to warn them of the growing hippie problem. He tells them that the hippie drum circles are growing and are going to turn into a full music festival before long if they don't stop them now. The city council doesn't want to listen and have him thrown out. Back on the street Cartman finds out that the hippies are planning the music festival he feared, he also discovers that his friends have become hippies. Officer Barbrady locks Cartman up after freeing the 63 hippies that were locked in Cartman's basement. Cartman appeals to the mayor, but she tells him that she's already signed the permit for the music festival. Cartman screams that she's sold out their town. Hippie Jam Fest 2005 in South Park is the largest such gathering of its kind in the history of the world and Stan, Kyle and Kenny are in attendance. Remembering what they did at Woodstock, Randy and Sharon are worried about their son. Randy makes an attempt to get through the crowd to his son, but it's hopeless; the festival is growing in size and beginning to overtake the town. The mayor regrets signing the permit and shoots herself. The citizens of South Park come to the prison to ask Cartman for his help with the hippie problem. Cartman will help, but only if they meet his demand, for a new radio controlled Tonka bulldozer (that Kyle can never own one of his own), with batteries, that he can play with in the school parking lot while Kyle is watching. They agree to his terms. It is Day 6 of the festival, and Kyle, Stan and Kenny want to know when they are going to begin "taking down the corporations." The hippies try to explain to them their ideal society, which to the boys sounds like the town they already have. The festival has grown to 14 miles in diameter and 500,000 hippies thick and will consume the town in less than 3 days. Cartman lays out his plan. To get through the crowd, Cartman plans to drill his way through the crowd, get to the stage and take over their sound system with the death metal music of "Slayer." To accomplish this he is going to need the machine he's designed built and manned by himself, a scientist (Randy Marsh), an engineer (Linda Stotch) and a black person who can sacrifice himself in case something goes wrong (Chef). The festival is going on and the crew of the Hippie Digger is preparing to embark on their mission. They start and begin boring their way through the crowd. Still waiting for something meaningful to happen with all these people present Stan can't take it anymore and he makes his way towards the stage. Meanwhile, the Hippie Digger has stopped due to the overheating of the drill. Stan, now on stage, begins to ask the crowd some poignant questions, only to find that the crowd is clueless. Chef fulfills his role on the team to get the Hippie Digger restarted. The ship makes it to the stage and Cartman gets his laptop hooked up to the sound system and begins playing "Slayer" through the sound system. The crowd, sensing the angry vibe begins to disperse; the town is saved and Cartman collects his reward.

Wing

Mrs. Garrison makes an announcement to the class, that Token has won the Colorado Child Star contest for his incredible singing voice. He is going to sing at a pageant and will be paid $200. The boys wonder why they can't do the same thing. It's Cartman of course who comes up with the strategy that will allow them to get a piece of Token's earnings; they are going to become his talent agency. They open the Super Awesome Talent Agency (SATA) and then they entice Token to come into their office. They pull it off when Token signs with them. At the pageant, Token sings and gets his $200 and SATA gets their 10%. Only a real agent from L.A. comes in with a better offer that Token can't pass up. SATA mourns the loss of their talent, when the owner of City Wok comes into their office looking for representation for his wife Wing. His wife has a unique singing voice that makes the boys not want to represent, but when they find out she already has a deal to appear on [show]American Idol[/show] and they don't have to do any work they agree to take her to Los Angeles. The boys and Wing are on their way to LA. Back in the South Park the Chinese Mafia comes to City Wok to collect the money that Lu Kim owes them for smuggling his wife into the country. At American Idol, the boys find out that Wing was just going to be one of the many people auditioning for the show. While trying to decide what to do next, the boys overhear someone needing talent right away. They offer up the services of their client to the new Sylvester Stallone show The Contender. Of course Wing is knocked out, almost immediately. The boys work on their next plan to get back to Colorado, when Sylvester Stallone's people translate for them that he like's Wing's singing voice and wants to hire her for his son's wedding. The boys start to celebrate when they realize that they've lost Wing. The boys think she was taken by the rival talent agency, when in fact she has been collected by the Chinese Mafia. Not knowing what they are getting themselves into, the boys march right into the headquarters of the Chinese Mafia. The boy's demands are met with a hail of gunfire. The boys return fire and somewhere along the line Kenny dies from gunshot wounds. It is Stan who puts an end to the gunfire, when he makes everyone realize that they are dealing with a human commodity. The boys decide to quit the business as does the head of the Chinese Mafia. At the wedding of Stallone's son, Wing performs to the delight of everyone. Also in attendance is Token, who after finding out that Talent Agencies don't really do anything for you, is trying to earn money to make it back to South Park. Kenny dies somewhere along the line in a hail of gunfire when the boys unknowingly take on the Chinese Mafia.

Best Friends Forever

Cartman wakes his mother up; he needs her to get him to the toy store early so that he can be the first to get the new Sony PSP. When he arrives he sees there is a long line, with Kenny at the front of it. He tries to cut, but has to go to the end of line. Because he was first, Kenny got his PSP, Cartman wasn't as lucky. Kenny has found something he is really good at, he's been playing the game "Heaven and Hell" for two weeks and after he reaches level 60 he gets killed by a truck driver who is busy playing his own PSP. Kenny's spirit rises up towards heaven, where he is met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter, who tells him that heaven needs him. They want Kenny to command the army of heaven in a battle against the army of Satan. God created the Sony PSP to find the best person for the job of defeating Satan's army of 10 billion with heaven's army of just under 10,000 strong. Archangel Michael tells Kenny that basically he is Keanu Reeves. In hell, Satan's spy reports to him that God now has a Keanu Reeves. Back in heaven, Kenny is given a golden PSP to control the army of heaven, but then Kenny disappears. Back on earth, Kenny has been revived, but since he was dead for almost the entire day most of his brain cells are dead. Kenny is alive, but only in a "persistive vegetative state." Kenny is more like a tomato than he is a person. God meant for Kenny to die, but mankind has insisted that he must live; consequently his soul is trapped and not available to save the kingdom of heaven. Kyle, Stan and Cartman are brought to a lawyer's office, where he reads them Kenny's will. Stan and Kyle receive most of the possessions, but it is Cartman who receives the prize he was seeking, Kenny's Sony PSP, which he has left to him out of pity. The lawyer starts to read them the section of the will that tells them what to do, should Kenny ever be in a "vegetative state." Unfortunately the lawyer can't find the page that gives them the definitive answer. Cartman doesn't care, Kenny's dead and he wants the PSP. Only word reaches them all that Kenny is still alive. Meanwhile, the army of Satan is on the march and with the Keanu Reeves boy back on Earth, victory is certain. The boys go to the hospital, where they find out about the brain damage. Kenny is being kept alive with a feeding tube. Cartman (who really wants that PSP in a bad way) tries to convince everyone that Kenny once told him he would want to die, rather than be kept alive by a feeding tube. Cartman plans to go all the way to the Supreme Court if necessary to get Kenny's feeding tube removed. In heaven, they strategize on what to do next. At the Supreme Court, Cartman tells the justices that he was Kenny's BFF (Best Friends Forever) and has the necklace to prove it. Back in South Park, the BFF is proven to be true and the feeding tube is removed. The angels who just arrived on the scene are delighted to hear the news about Kenny's eventual death; until they hear Kyle and Stan making plans to get the feeding tube reinserted. Stan and Kyle's protest outside the hospital gains support and others are on Cartman's side. Satan's minion uses the Republicans to further advance their agenda to get the feeding tube reinserted. The army of Satan is at the gates of heaven as the debate rages on. The lawyer turns up with the last page of Kenny's will. On it, Kenny's wish with life support says that "for the love of god, don't ever show me in that condition on national television." Kyle realizes that Cartman was right for the wrong reason and their side was wrong for the right reason. They leave Kenny alone to die in peace. In the kingdom of heaven, the battle is raging and Kenny arrives to take control of the golden PSP. The epic battle rages and Kenny manages to defeat the army of Satan. Heaven is saved and Kenny is given a special reward, a statue of Keanu Reeves. Kenny died twice in this episode. First when he got hit by the truck and again a few days later when his feeding tube was removed.

The Losing Edge

The boys are playing baseball with their little league team and are anxious for the game to be over. They are bored playing baseball. Meantime up in the stands, Randy Marsh and another parent get into a fight. The boys win their game and celebrate the fact that summer can start now that baseball is over. They are disappointed to learn that there is going to be a post-season while their parents celebrate. The boys plot to lose their first game in playoffs; Randy Marsh on the other hand plans to get himself into the best shape of his life so that he will be able to fight the dads at the division 2 level. In Ft. Collins at their first playoff game, the boys reveal their plan to the other team, but find that they have the same idea that they do. Now it is a contest between the teams to see which one can lose better. The playoffs continue and our boys keep winning, while Randy Marsh keeps getting into fights. The team is going to the state final and if they win that, their entire summer will be taken up with baseball at a national level. Stan wants to talk to his dad about his feelings, but finds that his dad is obsessed with the prospect of getting into a fight at the state championship game. The state championship game is being held in Denver and the boys find out that the other team doesn't want to win either. One of the fathers is a big guy and the "ultimate little league trash talking father" and Randy Marsh thinks he may have met his match. To successfully lose the game Cartman suggests that they find a new player for their team, someone who "totally sucks ass." Kyle has an idea and gets his cousin Kyle to join their team. Meantime, Randy Marsh searches deep inside and decides that he is not going to go to the game, because he admits to his wife that he is scared of the "ultimate little league trash talking father." She is going to have to take Stan alone on her own. The game begins and Kyle's cousin Kyle is the first to bat and the pitcher throws the ball at his bat causing him to bunt a home run. The boys realize that their opponents have practiced at playing baseball really bad and much to their disappointment find themselves winning by an overwhelming margin. The score is 23-0 and the boys are poised on the brink of winning the game and being trapped in baseball hell for the entire summer, when Randy Marsh appears in the stands. He and the "ultimate little league trash talking father" get into a fight, which moves onto the field and results in the pair beating each other senseless. The boys are one pitch away from winning their game, but with the Little League's no tolerance policy on fighting; the next person that throws a punch will get his team disqualified. The boys cheer Stan father's on and he regains enough of his composure to land a few more blows and consequently the boy's summer is saved. Stan tells his dad he is "the greatest."

The Death of Eric Cartman

The boys are waiting for Stan's mother to bring home fried chicken. When she arrives, Cartman distracts the others and manages to eat the skin off of every piece of chicken, leaving the other boys the part of the chicken they don't care for. At the bus stop the next morning, the boys are pissed off at Cartman and they decide to totally ignore him. When Cartman arrives at the bus stop they do just that. They give Cartman the impression that he is dead and can't be seen. Everywhere he goes this idea gets reinforced in his head. At the playground, Jimmy wonders where Cartman is and the Stan, Kyle and Kenny tell everyone that they are ignoring Cartman, because he is a "fat, racist, self-centered, intolerant, manipulating sociopath." Everyone joins in and when Cartman arrives they all ignore him. Cartman wanders about, with everyone ignoring him. The only one who does speak to him is Butters, he wasn't at the playground and consequently not in the loop about ignoring him. Butters is freaked out when Cartman tells him that he is dead and that he is the only one who can see him. Butters screams and runs into the house, where his parents convince him there is nothing to be scared of, except for "Super AIDS." Later that night, Cartman comes into Butters' room and scares him. Cartman is convinced the reason he is still on Earth is that he needs closure with all his friends and loved ones. With Butters help he hopes to accomplish that. They start with Cartman's mother. At Kyle's house, Butters apologizes on Cartman's behalf. They go through Cartman's list and he finally apologizes to Butters and now Cartman waits to move onto heaven. When he doesn't, Butters tells him that still might need to atone for something really bad that he's done, like pretend to be retarded, try to exterminate the Jews, have Scott Tenorman's parents killed, etc. Cartman makes another list and then creates a gift basket to give to everyone on the list. They deliver all the gift baskets, but still Cartman doesn't move on. He gets pissed off, destroys everything in Butters' room and leaves. Butters' parents believing that Butters' has destroyed his room think that their son has some real mental problems. They call a doctor who recommends that he be taken to the South Park Institute for Mental Health for testing. With the first round of testing complete, the doctor and Butters' parents leave. Cartman comes into Butters' room and tells him that he Butters that he needs to take him to see Doctor Lindsay, an expert in the paranormal. At Doctor Lindsay's office, she tells Butters that the reason a soul doesn't move on is because it is destined to do something divine. However, she runs from the room when Butters informs her that the ghost of his friend is sitting right next to him. On the doctor's television there is a newsbreak that three convicts have escaped from jail and are holding people at the Red Cross hostage. Cartman decides that this is where he is needed. Cartman goes into the Red Cross office and distracts the convicts, while Butters frees the hostages. They save the day and Cartman waits yet again to move on. He finds out that he has been alive the whole time, when Stan, Kyle, Kenny and the rest tell Cartman that because he did something really cool, they are going to stop ignore him now. Cartman of course is now mad at Butters for not knowing that he wasn't dead all along, threatens to get him back.

Erection Day

Mr. Mackey tries to answer the children's anonymous questions in front of the class, only each question usually ends with an accusation that he is gay. The first real question he reads involves one of the students in the class who is having a problem with his penis getting hard. The entire class laughs, except Jimmy, it's his problem, which he has to confide to Mr. Mackey when it keeps him front getting up in front of the class. More importantly for Jimmy it may keep him from participating in the school talent show and winning the $100 prize. Jimmy goes home and his parents talk with him about his problem. His parents call in "Dr. Pal" to talk with him about his problem. Dr. Pal offers him some useful information but follows it up by wanting them to "take off their shirts and kiss." Jimmy dreams about the talent show, but it turns into a nightmare when he gets a massive erection while on stage. Jimmy seeks counsel in Butters, whom he believes won't make fun of his problem. Butters tells him that an erect penis needs to be stuck in a vagina before it will become soft. Back at school Jimmy makes a proposition to BeBe that she quickly rejects. Cartman overhears the situation and offers his own advice. Cartman coaches Jimmy through a dinner date with a girl that is going well, until he mentions to her where he wants to stick his penis. It's the night of the talent show and Jimmy is outside crying. Officer Barbrady tells Jimmy that little girls don't want to have sex; they're not like the women at Colfax Point. He finds a prostitute named "Nutgobbler" and takes her out to dinner. The prostitute's pimp finds her at the restaurant and thinks that Jimmy is a pimp that is trying to take "Nutgobbler" for his own. The pimp drags her out of the restaurant and a chase ensues, the pimp in his car and Jimmy in hot pursuit in a taxi. Meanwhile, back at the talent show the Goth kids perform "Talent Shows Are for Fags." Butters performs his act, but due to his nerves it quickly comes to an end when he pees on stage. Jimmy in still in pursuit of the pimp and "Nutgobbler." The pimp's car crashes to halt and he takes her to the roof of a nearby building, Jimmy's pursuit is thwarted when he gets an erection. Back at the talent show, Cartman's act is doing select readings from the movie "Scarface." Up on the roof Jimmy confronts the pimp and uses the only weapon he has, the weapon of comedy. It distracts the pimp, who is subdued by the "Nutgobbler" and Jimmy takes her off to get laid. The talent show is finally ending, when Jimmy arrives and he starts to do his set, when to his disbelief he gets another erection.

Two Days Before the Day After Tomorrow

Marjorine

Follow That Egg

Ginger Kids

Trapped in the Closet

Free Willzyx

Bloody Mary

The Return of Chef!

Smug Alert!

Cartoon Wars (1)

Cartoon Wars (2)

A Million Little Fibers

ManBearPig

Tsst

Make Love, Not Warcraft

Mystery of the Urinal Deuce

Miss Teacher Bangs a Boy

Hell on Earth 2006

Go, God. Go! Part II

TBA

TBA