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Son of the Beach (2000)
| Language | S/E/T | Rating | Uploaded |
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With Sex You Get Eggroll
The Mayor wants Head Lifeguard Notch Johnson out of Malibu Adjacent, and she's recruited Kimberlee Clark to join his squad and get the low-down on him by wearing a mini-camera. She thinks that her work is done when Notch decides to bust enslaved girls from a whore house from the inside, by posing as a customer. If the slavers don't get Notch, the Mayor's video will. Or will Kimberlee help Notch to save the day?
Silence of the Clams
The Unadumper is polluting the beach with deadly toxic waste in an effort to shut down the spring break celebrations. The mayor tries to cover it up. Beach clams and preppie beach-goers suffer disgusting toxic effects. Chad, the 2-faced leader of the preppies asks BJ to go as his date to Clampalooza. The Unadumper is unmasked and Notch sings a song at Clamalooza backed up by his unit.
In the G-Hetto
When Jamaica is blackmailed into running drugs for a gangsta, Notch insists upon taking her place as the "mule". After all, who else can swallow 13 cocaine-filled condoms and then swim two miles? Also, Chip enters the Mr. Pec pageant. The Mayor's a judge, and she's got a guaranteed way for Chip to win.
Love, Native American Style
Notch is distraught when his step-father, local Indian Chief Pokemon, passes on, and a local casino developer convinces the Kahonee Tribe to construct a casino on their land. Although the deal's crooked, Notch is no Indian giver, and he seeks a legal way to halt construction. Also, Chip's South American relatives need money, so Chip moonlights as a male stripper.
Two Thongs Don't Make a Right
A boy named Peter gets trapped in a hole when trying to spy on the local nude beach. The mayor comes under pressure from L.O.A.D. - a morals group, to clamp down on the wearing of thong bikinis. BJ reveals that the sanctimonious leader of L.O.A.D. is actually her estranged father. BJ falls down the hole too and it is left up to Notch and his unit to rescue BJ and Peter before the tide comes in.
Fanny and the Professor
The Mayor fires Notch's unit and replaces them with gorgeous female robot lifeguards created by the evil Professor Milosevic. This twisted but brilliant, wheelchair-bound, ex-lifeguard buddy of Notch's was injured in a terrible boating accident involving Notch and excessive sun-cream. Now he's got it in for the whole lifeguard service. The sacking hits Notch hard and he takes up the life of a bum, living under his beloved pier. Until Kimberlee comes up with a plan that might just get the unit their jobs back and turn the tables on the Mayor, the Professor and his army of robo-babe lifeguards.
Eat My Muffin
BJ becomes mixed up in a cult called Kingdom Come, with its double-crossing leader, the Divine Rod. Something in the muffins they are eating is causing the members of the cult to come under the Rod's control. They change BJs name to Milky Way, but little does she know - they plan to put Milky Way under the Rod, live on the net. Its up to Notch and the rest of the unit to save BJ and get her back in time for the final of the beach tetherball competition.
Miso Honei
Back in the 60s, Notch's dad - Big Red Johnson, died while surfing the tsunami-sized shore break known as Miso Honei. Now, Miso Honei is back and Notch must confront his fears and ride the big one in a surfing death-match with his arch-enemy - the satanic surfer, Adolph Manson, in a battle to win the hearts and minds of the kids of Malibu Adjacent.
South of Her Border
When Notch and the girls travel to the South American nation of Humidor to stop a military coup, they end up in prison instead. The shackles aren't so bad, but the all-bean diet? Ai, ai, ai. Can they escape in time to stop the coup? While the others are gone, Chip runs a junior lifeguard program.
Day of the Jackass
Malibu Adjacent is hosting a peace conference between China and Africa, and Notch has been banned from attending. That would be no problem, except Notch's old Army Secret Ops buddy, Captain "Buck" Enteneille has shown up and wants to go. It's even more of a problem when Notch sees him going anyway, with a sniper rifle. Can Notch stop Enteneille from ruining the conference, and still keep his friendship with Buck? Tune in. Also, Jamaica falls in love with an African prince.
A Star Is Boned
The glamour of Hollywood is hitting the beaches of Malibu Adjacent: the fabulous stars, the adoring crowds, the death threats. Notch Johnson joins the case when actress Regina Streep is almost killed on his beach. Can Notch find the assailant before they grab Regina? Also, Jamaica runs a bachelor auction.
Attack of the Cocktopuss
When Malibu Adjacent's mythical cocktopuss, a part-rooster part-octopus beast, is videotaped by two fishermen, the hunt is on. Can the Mayor fix the city's budget problems by displaying her cocktopuss? Will the fishermen snatch it first? Can Notch keep the beaches safe in the midst of this mayhem? Also, Chip joins a rock band.
Mario Putzo's... The Last Dong
When Mafiosos harass the citizens of Malibu Adjacent, only one man has the rocks to tell off these goombahs. Notch Johnson. But can one man alone put these fambones where they belong before they send him to sleep with the fishes? Also, B.J. thinks she might be a lesbian.
B.J. Blue Hawaii
Notch gets honored by the Hawaiian Tropic so he and the gang go to Hawaii. Notch meets up with an old friend and discovers that his daughter is a drug lord growing Marijuana, Cocaine, Methadone, and Hashish so he and Kimberlee team up to stop her. Meanwhile, Jamaica and B.J. enter a Miss Hawaiian Tropic Contest. Also, Chip pretends that he is gay to get the mayor to stop trying to get him in bed.
From Russia with Johnson
Notch and his unit must stop a Russian terrorist.
Remember Her Titans
Jamaica's boyfriend has a problem with gambling, and is majorly in debt. Since Jamaica's boyfriend doesn't have the money, he is told by the bookie that he will let it slide if he throws the game. When he doesn't agree, he breaks his leg so that he can't play. Notch decides that he will fill in for him at the game and he is allowed to fill in for him because he never finished high school. Meanwhile, Kody's father comes to Malibu Adjacent from the U.K. to ask Kody to go back and live with him.
Rod Strikes Back
Rod returns and wants his revenge on everyone, Especially for B.J.; Chip's dog "shitsu" (sp?) arrives at Malibu Adjacent and challenges Steve.
Queefer Madness
From the sound of it, Johnny Queefer has had a rough life. Having spent his childhood in numerous orphanages and Michael Jackson's ranch, this young man hates authority and mistrusts adults. But when his biker gang of "Hell's Orphans" rides into town, Notch and his unit are there to meet them. The bikers try to disrupt life in Malibu Adjacent, but they get more than they bargained for. For you see, it's important to Notch that he reaches out to troubled boys, and touches them. A very special Son of the Beach.
Light My Firebush
B.J.'s step daddy, Raymond, is in town from Arkansas and nobody loves Raymond. He's here to "git B.J. fer whut she done." When Ima Cummings (B.J.'s momma) shows up to warn her, you know there's going to be a lot of a-hooting and a-hollering! Also, Notch's Native American half-sister, Firebush, joins the SPF-30 Gang, but has trouble adapting to their crazy white-man ways.
Chip's a Goy
Needing some R&R, the Gang heads to the tranquil Middle East. Their visit with Notch's Israeli counterpart, Noccus Johnstein, is cut short, however, when evil terrorist group HUMMUS kidnaps Notch. Can the Gang save their fearless leader, or will HUMMUS crush them like so many chickpeas? In the meantime, Chip falls in love with Noccus' daughter, Chcch, and agrees to convert to Judaism. He soon finds this means giving up much more than he bargained for.
A Tale of Two Johnsons
When an evil crime syndicate clones an operative to look like Notch, the Gang is suddenly seeing double. The real Notch Johnson must stop "Evil Notch" from wreaking havoc in Malibu Adjacent. Can Notch beat himself? Also, Kimberlee's old boyfriend, a musician, comes to town and tries to get Kimberlee to come back to him.
It's a Nude, Nude, Nude, Nude World
The Nude-lympics come to Malibu Adjacent, and someone is killing beautiful, naked women because he feels they are 'Dirty'. Mayor Anita wants to cover up the story, but SPF-30 is at work cracking the case. Kimberlee lands a date with the murderer unaware until he arrives to pick her up that he is the killer of all the women. While on her date, Kimberlee makes a private call to Notch telling him that she is with him but the killer finds out and then tries to kill Kimberlee until Notch and the gang come along to save her.
It's Showtime at the Apollo 13!
History is being made as Jamaica breaks an old barrier and becomes the first black lifeguard in space. Unbelievably, things on Space Shuttle Catastrophe go awry and Notch must go undercover as a high school student to find a computer hacker who's threatening the entire mission. Will Notch finger the teen before Jamaica goes down? Meanwhile, Chip is on a one-man crusade to get people to like Germans.
The Island of Dr. Merlot
Notch and B.J. become prey in a madman's dangerous game while marooned on "The Island of Dr. Merlot." Back at Headquarters, Kimberlee refuses to give up hope, enlisting Professor Milosevic to help locate Notch and B.J. All the while, grief-stricken SPF-30 is in state of disarray after the Mayor declares Notch and B.J. to be dead, and names Kody as new Head Lifeguard. Desperately, the Gang races against time to find Notch and B.J., and rescue them from the clutches of the sinister gamesman.
The Sexorcist
Jamaica has just come back from her vacation and came back with gifts, including a bottle that everyone was afraid of when she was there. Jamaica gives the bottle to B.J. and she opens it and becomes possessed by the devil. Notch has to overcome his past failure at exorcising and get the devil out of B.J. and keep him from repossessing her. Meanwhile, the Mayor's knack for sexually harassing Chip threatens her career when an uptight reporter, with political aspirations of her own, gets wind.
Grand Prix
Notch must defend the honor of America in a three-quarter midget car race vs. a man from France. The Frenchman, who goes by the nickname "The Frenchman", is married to Notch's old flame, a beautiful French maiden named Nicorette. After her reappearance on the scene, Notch realizes she's a hard habit to break. Meanwhile, B.J. and Jamiaca help save a lesbian bar from going under.
Area 69
When B.J. is impregnated and then abducted, Notch knows that there's trouble afoot. And when his old Vietnam/F.B.I. buddy Captain Enteneille warns Notch to stay off B.J.'s case, Notch knows that it's time to search for the truth. He and Kimberlee head to the famous secret desert installation, Area 69, where Notch learns more than he bargained for. Back in Malibu Adjacent, Chip and Professor Milosevic enter a local talent contest and are signed by a TV network executive to star in a situation comedy. Hilarity ensues.
Booger Nights
Chip is distraught when he finds out his sister, Eva, has become an adult film actress. When the Gang realizes she's being forced into 'performing,' they know only one thing can save her: a big bust. And who better to bust her out than Notch Johnson, posing as adult film star Johnny Come Lately. But when Notch is captured, can SPF-30 save him in time, or will Johnson get it in the end? In the B-story, The Mayor knows the way to boost her career is through attending the Governor's balls. She's been invited to attend one, but must resort to taking homeless Chappy as her date.
Penetration Island
Notch and the gang head to the Island of Bulimia by Tex Finklestein at "UBM" wanting higher ratings. When they get there, they are to play "Penetration Island", where the grand prize is $1,000,00. While everyone is being tempted or seducted by their temptress or temptor, Dirty Sanchez and his gang of Bulimians are on the island and start killing the temptors and temptresses, trying to get their island back. After being thought he was dead by everyone, Notch and an escaped Porcelain come to save the day as Dirty Sanchez is about to kill off SPF-30. Afterwards after Notch is shot by Sanchez and his gang, the scene is shown as a scripted part, then revealing that everyone is still alive.
Saturday Night Queefer
Johnny Queefer returns to town to take on his dreams of becoming a broadway star. Johnny dances at one point with Porcelain and drops her and she cuts open her breasts and all the saline squirts out. Because of this, Notch bans all dancing and Kimberlee quits the force because she feels that Notch's rule is unfair. Johnny still wants to persue his dreams of becoming a broadway dancer so he enters a contest and Kimberlee becomes his dance partner. Notch faces his past of dancing and teaches Johnny and Kimberlee some of his "moves" just before the contest so they can have a clear shot at winning. Only the guy who cheated Notch years ago has come back with his son to challenge Johnny, with Porcelain as his partner.
In the Line of Booty
Just when Notch has finally brokered peace between the East and West Malibu Adjacent rappers, someone tries to kill Obese rapper Larry Biggy Little. Jamaica's new boyfriend Busta Hymen is blamed, and Jamaica is forced to hide her beloved Hymen from the authorities and the East Coast rappers to prevent a bloody showdown. Meanwhile, BJ's newfound love turns out to be chaste and confused.
Three Days of the Condom
When Notch's gang finds out that B.J. has gone missing from her D.C. internship, the gang travels to D.C. to find her. Having almost given up, Notch and the SPF-30 finally get their BJ, who is alive but has amnesia and that she is pregnant. Notch questions her employer, Congressman George Bukaki, and soon his unit is embroiled in a government conspiracy. Back home, Chip must try to stop a purse-snatcher at the annual Lez-Aid Faire, where Porcelain is scheming to get famous by playing for the other team.
Witness for the Prostitution
Notch is honored at the State Univeristy College of Malibu Adjacent (S.U.C.M.A., home of the Cocks) with the opening of a lavatory science building named after him. But all is not well. After a lifeguard group therapy session (with Chappy as therapist!), Ellen comes in with the news that she's been fired from her job as house mother at the I Eta Pi sorority, where a sister named Tiffany recently committed suicide. Notch smells something fishy, and SPF-30 swings into action: Chip and B.J. accompany Ellen on a stakeout while Porcelain and Jamaica go undercover at the sorority as pledges. Sorority leader Mandy almost immediately offers Porcelain a job working for I Eta Pi's escort service, but she and Jamaica soon find out that the sorority is running a forced prostitution ring, with the knowledge and guidance of the university's Dean Faraday. Notch and the gang rescue the girls before they can be harmed. Also: Kimberlee's mother Marcia is coming for a visit. Kimberlee hates to tell her mother that she's still not married or engaged, so she asks Notch to pose as her fiance. Notch agrees, but Marcia Clark develops quite an interest in Notch herself. Porcelain begins her relationship with aging millionaire Nick "Snuggles" Pappasmearos.
The Gay Team
A villain named "Heinous Anus" (RuPaul) is making young men disappear from the beach, and they are all ending up in a place called "Gaytrix". Chip ends up being captured by Heinous Anus and taken to the Gaytrix so that he turn him gay and clone him. Notch's army buddy (Alan Thicke) knows where Chip is and how to get there and sends Notch to go after him. Meanwhile, Porcelain's marriage heats up because of a scheme thought up by B.J. and Jamaica.
You Only Come Once
Stinkfinger wants revenge on the people of the world because he didn't get workman's compensation because of an explosion that occured where he was working and he seeks revenge by trying to control the weather around the world. Notch's friend comes to help as Kimberlee, Porcelain, and Notch try to foil Stinkfinger's evil plan. Meanwhile, Jamaica finds out that her mom is a TV talkshow host named "Okra" and that she had abandoned Jamaica when she was little and wants her back. Later on, Okra becomes injured in a car accident caused by icy roads and Jamaica donates one of her kidneys to her so she can stay alive.
Hamm Stroker's Suck My Blood
Notch's friend Noccus Johnstein (Gilbert Gottfried) comes over from Israel with other lifeguards from all over the globe for the International Lifeguard Show held in Malibu Adjacent and Jamaica is left in charge of the show. While Noccus is there a lifeguard from India is found dead and no one knows why. Only Chip suspects by the bite marks on his neck that he was bitten by a vampire. Later on, Noccus goes looking for prostitues when he runs into the main vampire who bites him and transforms him into a vampire. Noccus finds Porcelain and turns her into a vampire. Kimberlee finds out that 12 of the lifeguards are dead and Noccus and Porcelain are missing. Noccus appears and tells Kimberlee to join him and she later becomes a vampire. Chip then tells Notch how to get rid of the vampires and where they are hiding, at the old Maxwell House. Chip and Notch head to the old Maxwell House and kill the main vampire, changing the other human-turned vampires back into humans. Afterwards, Jamaica is left with no cast at the show and resorts to singing to keep everyone entertained.
Godfather Knows Best
Mobster Vinnie Fellachio is back and he has shocking news for Jamaica--he says he's her father! Vinnie takes Jamaica into his family, but he has one task for her before she becomes a "made" woman: she must whack Notch Johnson! Also, Porcelain wants to co-host Malibu Adjacent's number one Christian show, "Wake Up, White People!" In order to impress the host Mrs. Strawther, Porcelain gives her a tip that a pregnant, unmarried lifeguard (B.J.) is working the beach at Malibu Adjacent. Mrs. Strawther leads protests demanding B.J.'s firing, and the whole matter ends up being tried out on the sand in Lifeguard Court.
Empty the Dragon
Notch travels to Japan with Kimberlee, Chip and Porcelain for the Nagasaki Fried Chicken (NFC) Karaoke Championships. To Porcelain's dismay, the blonde Kimberlee gets all the attention from the press. Notch gets involved with Binaka, whose crazed vegetarian father has concocted a formula that turns a chicken into a giant beast which is rampaging through Tokyo. The giant chicken captures Kimberlee and things look grim when the Japanese troops prepare to blast the big animal, but Notch comes to the rescue. Also, Chip visits a geisha house, where he gets a big, unexpected surprise.
The Long Hot Johnson
Notch's old wet nurse Aunt Jizzy and company come to him with stories of Klan activity in South Malibu Adjacent and a scheme led by the notorious Bull Cracker to cheat them out of their homes. So Notch joins the all-white South Malibu Adjacent Country Club to find out the truth. But he doesn't make the smartest move by taking Jamaica along with him posing as his fiance! Bull and his boys are about to make a move on Notch, Jamaica and Kimberlee, but they are rescued by a couple of unlikely allies, Bull's wife Pussy Willow and Porcelain. Also, Chip and B.J. try to help out by going undercover as a married brother and sister.
Taco Lips Now (1)
In a flashback to Notch's war days, we see how his commanding officer Colonel Kooze "improperly disposed of" the village of Tam Pon. Kooze implores Notch to "never tell" about this atrocity. Later Notch sees the guilty colonel hanging from a tree, having apparently commited suicide. Back in the present, Notch's brother Harry Johnson has arrived at Malibu Adjacent. His secret past begins to catch up with Notch, and he is questioned by reporters about the incident at Tam Pon. This leads to his arrest, and as he's being taken into custody, Notch can hardly believe his eyes--in the distance he sees Col. Kooze! Also, Porcelain marries the decrepit old multi-millionaire Nick "Snuggles" Pappasmearos so she can inherit his money, but she'll have to contend with his family, including Nick Jr.
Jailhouse Notch (2)
Notch is convicted of the war crime and goes to jail, where he meets all sorts of unsavory characters, but soon he breaks out and begins his search for Colonel Kooze so he can clear his name. But there are some surprises back at Malibu Adjacent. Notch's brother Harry is working for Kooze, and part of their evil plan is for Harry to court and propose marriage to Kimberlee. Kimberlee falls for it and accepts Harry's proposal. Meanwhile a court rules against Porcelain and her claim on "Snuggles'" will, with the result being that she's now homeless.
Bad News, Mr. Johnson (3)
"Master of disguise" Notch Johnson is on the run and he spends some time hiding out at Aunt Jizzy's, where he learns that Kooze and Harry have conspired to move up Harry and Kimberlee's wedding date to the next day. Kooze knows Notch will come when he hears this news and he plans to assassinate him at the wedding. Chip finds out he's in imminent danger of being deported. To avoid this, he convinces a reluctant Jamaica to marry him, which is a great shock to his "Mootie" and "Poopie" when they arrive for the wedding. Porcelain has now come up with a plan to seduce Nick Jr. into marriage so she can get her hands on the Pappasmearos fortune, so it looks like there's going to be a triple wedding at Malibu Adjacent. Notch sneaks into the SPF-30 headquaters looking for evidence against Kooze, but while he's looking, B.J. goes into labor. Notch helps to deliver her baby, after which the surprise identity of the father is revealed. With the help of Chappy, Ellen and Prof. Milosevic, Notch exposes the fraud and criminal actions of Kooze and Harry just as the weddings are about to take place. After a hand-to-hand battle with Notch aboard a speedboat (along with some help from Spank the monkey), Kooze is vanquished. The gang all gathers at the beach, where Notch receives a congratulatory phone call from the President. Notch then prepares to propose to Kimberlee. But across the harbor, Col. Kooze is injured but not dead. He has one last trick up his sleeve as the series comes to a conclusion with a surprising bang.