'Allo 'Allo! (1982)

Six Big Boobies

After the British airmen are gone for good - or so René thinks - there is still the problem of herr Flick owning all three copies of the Fallen Madonna with the Big Boobies (one original and two fakes), and while herr Flick kidnaps Lieutenant Gruber (a former art house worker), the Colonel and the Captain start to plan their next move. All the while, René´s widow Edith have found René´s will, and being the sole beneficiary, goes on a spending spree with René´s money to attract better suitors. And the British airmen return - as nuns. They are last seen hidden in the piano.

The Wooing of Widow Artois

René is caught in a dilemma when he must choose between the women he loves: his waitresses Yvette and Marie, and his wife Edith, who as his widow has all his money. Unfortunally he cannot bring himself to woo Edith again, so Edith seeks the attention that she can get, from other suitors in town.

The Policeman Cometh

We pick up the action mere moments after the close of the previous episode, as the airmen-filled cow narrowly escape being milked by a German patrol while awaiting the landing of the plane. As they watch disappointedly, the plane does not land, instead jettisoning two parachutes, one of which yields a new escape package. The other yields Officer Crabtree, sent from "British Ontelligence Headquitters" - disguised a policeman, he is supposed to blend in. Unfortunately, his French is abominable, getting the vowels wrong as often as not... Meanwhile, the plan to blow up the non-painting-filled knockwurst on its way to Hitler has hit a snag - Rene can't find anyone to blow up the train. But Helga works out a plan involving Lt. Gruber's armored car and its mounted 20 mm gun, and Rene and Hans end up out trying to shoot the train. Plus in this episode: Hitler's speeches at double speed!

Swiftly and With Style

After failing to destroying the train which will take the copy of the painting of the Fallen Madonna with the Big Boobies to Hitler, René and the Captain are captured by the Résistance, only to be rescued by Herr Flick (who accidentally explodes his Gestapo car). The Colonel and the Captain are afraid that Hitler will understand that the painting is a copy, and prepare to escape to Switzerland. But they need not worry - the RAF managed to bomb the train instead. In the meantime, British agent in disguise, officer Crabtree has a new escape plan for the British airmen: a hot air balloon. Unfortunally, the silk has ripped, and the Résistance needs for René to replace it with 40 or 50 silk knickers. When LeClerc steals Helga´s knickers, Herr Flick demands that Café René be searched. But René has his hands full with Monsieur Alphonse, the undertaker, who proposes to madame Edith. Who will she choose? The rich undertaker or René?

The Duel

René tries to hide from the seconds of Monsieur Alphonse, the undertaker, but in his stead Lieutenant Gruber accepts the duel. However, the Colonel and the Captain want to save René and plans an exercise to "accidentally" kill Monsieur Alphonse. The plan is thwarthed by Herr Flick, who has discovered that the sausage that was sent to Berlin containing the painting of the Fallen Madonna with the Big Boobies did not contain any painting - either real or fake. Herr Flick correctly assumes that the Colonel and the Captain stole the painting, and arrests them and cancels the exercise. Now René has to fight the duel on his own, while Yvette and Maria griefs on the sideline and his wife Edith catches up on the gossip of the week.

Herr Flick's Revenge

After René ran away from the duel with Monsieur Alphonse, he hides. He´s rescued by Michelle from the Résistance who smuggles him back into the café dressed as a member of the Résistance, while she explains to Monsieur Alphonse that René is the bravest man in France. But Herr Flick has captured the Colonel and the Captain, and brings in René as well, and torture them unless they reveal where the painting of "The Fallen Madonna with the Big Boobies" is hidden. They are rescued by General von Klinkerhoffen. With life back to normal, there´s only a matter of getting the British airmen out. As the General imposes a curfew, Michelle´s plan is a funeral for Madame Fanny.

The Gateau From The Chateau

Literally picking up immediately after the end of episode 2.6, the silk balloon with the two airmen lifts off in the air, and the French folk return to the cafe to sigh with relief. The balloon takes off amidst German flak but the wind shifts and they end up crashing back into the Cafe, where Rene hides them inside moose heads in the pool room. General Erich von Klinkerhoffen takes command of the area due to all the Resistance activity. The Colonel has hidden the world's first cuckoo clock (shown back in the pilot) inside a bust of his head, but Hans sets it working and ends up beating it into submission to stop the ticking. Von Klinkerhoffen assigns the Colonel to seduce Edith in hopes of learning more about the Resistance, and the Colonel passes the mission on to Hans. The Resistance is aware of Von Klinkerhoffen's reputation as a vicious fiend, Herr Flick is unhappy that Von Klinkerhoffen has interfered in Gestapo affairs, and the Colonel and the Captain don't like his usurpation of power, so everyone tries to kill him at a Kaiser's Birthday Party arranged by the Generals' new ADC, Lt. Gruber. Herr Flick picks the blowdart death pipe of the Katari tribe, the Resistance picks dynamite inside the birthday cake (with a candle as the fuse), and the Colonel picks a poison pill in the wine.

The Nicked Knockwurst

After the Colonel makes René promise not to hang out with the Résistance anymore, Herr Flick´s sausage (containing the forgery of the painting of the Fallen Madonna with the Big Boobies) is kidnapped by the Résistance, not the usual Résistance, but the Communist Résistance. The Colonel and the Captain are anxious that it doesn´t come out that they have switched the paintings, and order René to come up with the ransom, which Edith gets from Monsieur Alphonse. The ransom is to be left by René and his staff, dressed as German soldiers. But the whole thing is watched by German soldiers dressed as French policemen, the Gestapo dressed as French Résistance girls, and the Colonel and the Captain dressed as trees. And of course, Lieutenant Gruber stumbles upon the meeting, and his dog can´t help but chase the sausage.

Gruber Does Some Mincing

The sausage containing the (real) painting of the Fallen Madonna with the Big Boobies by van Clomp, which was taken by Lieutenant Gruber´s dog, is minced by the Lieutenant - but fortunally he discovers it first and saves it. At the same time, the missing knockwurst means that Monsieur Alphonse cannot get back the money which he leant to pay the ransom of the kidnapped sausage. The résistance pays him back with Monsieur LeClerc´s badly forged money. But after everything seems to getting back to normal, the sausage is sent to Lieutenant Gruber to make another copy. Also, Michelle´s latest plan to get the airmen back is by an old plane with the motor from general von Klinkerhoffen´s lawn-mower, which is hidden in the wheelchair of René´s mother in law.

The Sausage In the Wardrobe

After Maria is sent to Lieutenant Gruber with the sausage containing the real painting of the Fallen Madonna with the Big Boobies for copying, she is caught by General von Klinckerhofen, who places the sausage in his wardrobe and helds Maria hostage until his lawn-mover engine is returned by the Résistance. Herr Flick, the Colonel and the Captain, and René hears about this and decides to go to the chateau through the secret passages and steal the sausage from under the General´s nose, using Helga, Yvette and Lieutenant Gruber as erotical bait. Who will substitute the sausage first?

Flight of Fancy

With René again in the posession of the sausage containing the painting of the Fallen Madonna with the Big Boobies, the attention turns to getting the two British airmen out of France. The problem is that the old airplane that was to be used is in the back of the museum. But Michelle proposes a steam engine tour through Nouvion, and Herr Flick allows it, thinking it´s a good opportunity to observe any foul play. Michelle´s newest hairbrained scheme of getting the airmen out will of course need 80 meters of suspenders, and it´s René´s job to get them from every Frenchman in Nouvion, which he does under the noses of the Colonel and the Captain through his newly founded brotherhood of the Nightowl. Herr Flick and Helga arrive in his staff car to spy on the show, and The Colonel and the Captain arrive in a steamroller, also to spy on what´s happening - and the result is pretty obvious, which prevents them from see the spectacular failure of the launching of the airmen. The suspenders that was supposed to drag the plane up in the air with a car backfires, sending René backwards at breakneck speed.

Pretty Maids All In A Row

After the plot to get the two British airmen out failed, Maria disguises them as waitresses at the café. Meanwhile, a frustrated René returns to the painting of the Fallen Madonna with the Big Boobies. He hides it behind an ugly painting in his café which is immediately recognized by General von Klinkerhoffen as a Van Gogh and requisitioned for his office in the chateau. He also requistions the two new maids in Café René - or as they are better known: the two British airmen in disguise. Realizing that the two airmen will be recognized right away, Michelle of the Résistance comes up with another hairbrained scheme of digging a tunnel from Monsieur Alphonse´s morgue into the prisoner of war camp and smuggling in the two airmen into the camp. To get the airmen to Monsieur Alphonse, Edith comes up with a typical French Saturday pastime: a fandango festival which ends in the husband running away with two ladies of the night and the wife killing them. Using the Captain´s gun, loaded with blanks, madame Edith "kills" the two airmen dressed as hookers in front of a shocked Captain Geering.

The Great Un-Escape

While the Captain is sitting in the café, sulking because the Colonel is not talking to him since Edith used the Captain´s gun to shoot two tarts the night before, herr Flick from the Gestapo is listening when René is talking to London on the wireless. He soon cracks the code surrounding the message with the plan to dig a tunnel from the mortuary to hide the British airmen. But it´s soon apparent that the two airmen and Monsieur Alphonse need help with the digging, and the café staff are called in, leaving Madame Fanny and LeClerc in the café. But the Colonel and the Captain follow René, discover the tunnel, and are captured in the prisoner of war camp, where the General is about to perform an inspection...

Hans Goes Over the Top

Having been trapped in the POW camp, Rene is enlisted in the plan to re-dig the tunnel, by getting rid of the dirt. Hans and the Colonel are playing cricket, though not very well, and Herr Flick and Von Smallhausen are digging their own tunnel into the camp. Monsieur Alphonse arrives at the Cafe to report to Fanny the news that Rene has been captured, but Rene and Company join in on the British prisoners' plan to escape - though only one person can escape in this way. The plan involved a plank laid across a barrel, and Rene leaping on one end (from the top of a shed) to fling the person on the other end out and over the fence. Naturally, the Colonel volunteers Hans for the escape, and after numerous attempts actually manages to get over, and is spirited away into the woods by the Resistance. Meanwhile, Helga reports the situation to Gruber, and together they decide on a plan to rescue the Colonel, the Captain, and Rene, involving Gruber dressing as a nun. Officer Crabtree, though, reports to Alphonse and Leclerc with his own plan, involving everyone escaping in "droon poops". Meanwhile, though, the gang inside join a variety show for the purposes of covering a rather chancy plan of escape. But do they all make it out? The cliffhanger leaves us mid-dance...

Camp Dance

Dressed as girls from the Foliés Bergeres, the entire gang (the staff and the Germans) escape from the prisoner of war camp, and completely against plans bring the two British airmen with them. Outside again, the Colonel finds that the Captain is missing, only his glasses are found. The servant girl Maria cannot be found either, and it turns out that she accidentally mailed herself to Switzerland as a Red Cross package. Herr Flick and von Smallhousen intercept a message from London and try to send their own message, but René catches on and tosses the radio out the window, which leaves the résistance without a means to contact London, until Michelle thinks of the radio in Lieutenant Gruber´s little tank. But instead of getting new instructions, René and Edith are found out by the Colonel, Helga and Gruber - who finally learn what happened to Hans.

Good Staff Are Hard To Find

Since Maria´s disappearence, the café needs another waitress, but René and Edith has somewhat different ideas about who should fill the positition, but finally Michelle from the Résistance brings tiny Mimi from another cell, to be René´s bodyguard. René finds out just how fanatical Mimi is when she tries to poison Herr Flick in the backroom of the café, which René manages to stop. In the meantime, General von Klinkerhoffen gives the Colonel a new assistant, Italian liaison Bertorelli, who fortunally knows nothing about the painting of the Fallen Madonna with the Big Boobies or about the afairs with the waitresses, but as soon as Bertorelli enters Café René, he sees the Colonel with wet celery behind his ears. Seeing his chance for amore, he goes upstairs with Mimi only to be thrown out again.

The Flying Nun

The Gestapo suspects that the Colonel and the General are in on a plot to assassinate Hitler, so Herr Flick goes undercover as Private Irma Von Kinkenrotten (a secretary to replace Helga, who Flick has kidnapped - though she escape disguised as Flick himself) and plants a somewhat bizarre daffodil-shaped microphone in the Colonel's office, where Gruber and Von Strohm are making plans to get rid of Bertorelli in some way. Meanwhile, as Edith prepares for her wedding, and receives bouquets from fortune-hunting Capt. Bertorelli, Rene & Co. must get the aerial for their new radio above the jamming signal of Herr Flick, so they disguise Mimi as a small nun to obtain a box kite which they fly to contact London and request plastic explosive to blow up the safe in the General's chateau to get the British Invasion plans. Of course, Michelle has to nearly have a nervous breakdown in the Cafe before Rene agrees to this crazy plan. And unfortunately, Monsieur Alphonse catches Yvette and Rene having at it, so he considers Edith "back in play".

The Sausage In the Trousers

There is still no batteries for the wireless radio underneath the bed of René´s mother in law, so Michelle´s newest hairbrained scheme is to have René and Yvette powering the radio with the generator from a bicycle until the stolen batteries from a German midget submarine are delivered. Soon, however, Helga comes in, dressed as a Gestapo officer and explains that Herr Flick has disguised himself as a secretary sitting outside the Colonel´s office to hear what the Colonel is up to. The Lieutenant discovers this and the General puts Herr Flick in his dungeon. The Lieutenant is finished copying the paintings (The Fallen Madonna... and the Van Gogh), and delivers them as sausages. Sausages also comes from Captain Bertorelli (real ones), Monsieur LeClerc (submarine batteries), and Officer Crabtree (explosives), and soon they´re all mixed up in the German officers pants.

The Jet-Propelled Mother-In-Law

The Germans arrest René, and the Colonel demands an explanation for the knockwursts with explosives in them. After a small lie, René is sent home with around a dozen knockwursts to hang in his kitchen. The British have sent a spy camera with which the Résistance should be able to photograph the plans for the German invasion of Great Britain, but the camera landed in the vineyard of Monsieur Alphonse´s, and since the Germans commendeered the vineyard, the Résistance cannot go and look for the camera. This problem is solved when the General orders every peasant in Nouvion to work on the vineyard, which also leaves room for some assassination attempts on the General´s life. The attempts backfire and send Madame Fanny racing through the vinefields on a jet-propelled wheelchair.

The Rescue of Frau Kinkenrotten

Herr Flick (under the identity of Frau Kinkenrotten) is still held in the dungeons, and if he cracks he can divulge that the painting of the Fallen Madonna with the Big Boobies have been copied. That´s why he must be rescued by Helga, von Smallhousen, and René - dressed as Himmler. The Colonel and the Lieutenant are ordered by the General to let Herr Flick die in a rescue attempt by the Résistance, but seeing the danger of getting caught in a crossfire, they dress up as Gestapo officers to rescue Herr Flick, only to find René chained up instead.

The Camera In the Potato

Starting off in women´s underwear in the dungeons of the General´s castle, René is rescued by Lieutenant Gruber, and comes back just in time to be briefed by Michelle from the Résistance about the camera which will be used to photograph the safe in the château, and which is hidden inside a potato. That night, Helga and the General is supposed to dine at Café René, but Helga is ordered away by Herr Flick, and the General has to endure Edith´s "seduction" before he can get away. He promptly discovers the Colonel in bed with Yvette, a flying helmet and a selery. Finally, René can get into the château, but he doesn´t know that the safe is in Lieutenant Gruber´s room...

Criminal Developments

The show opens during the air raid which ended last episode - Rene is running back to the Cafe, and Von Klinkerhoffen, Von Strohm, and Bertorelli are all hiding under their desks. Herr Flick continues interrogating Helga about the plot to blow up Hitler to no avail; released, Helga reports on Flick to Gruber and Von Strohm. Von Klinkerhoffen takes a liking to Helga and has Von Strohm arrange a dinner, complete with live music. Flick and Von Smallhausen disguise themselves as the musicians to discover whether Von Klinkerhoffen is truly blowing up Hitler. Meanwhile, Madame Edith delivers the film to Monsieur Alphonse for development, where he tells her about Rene's infidelity. She confronts Rene with the accusation but believes his bald denial. Leclerc examines the picture and prepares for the operation as Michelle devises a plan for Rene and Leclerc to break into Gruber's room during a smoke bomb diversion disguised as firemen and blow the safe. But Edith and Yvette pick the wrong chimney down which to throw the smoke bomb, instead hitting Von Klinkerhoffen's chimney. This leaves Gruber still in his room as Rene breaks in dressed as a fireman...

Return of the Paintings

The plan to photograph the plans for the German invasion of Great Britain goes bad, as ususal, when Edith puts the smoke bomb in the wrong chimney of the château, and René and LeClerc are forced to blow up the safe in another kind of chaos than they had originally planned. When the smoke clears they discover that Lieutenant Gruber had in his safe not the invasion plans, but the original paintings by Van Clomp and Van Gogh. During the escape, René and LeClerc are captured by the Communist Résistance, in German uniforms, and it is unclear which is worst - saying that they´re Germans, or revealing their true identities, which are seen as German collaborators. Helga is ordered by the Colonel to be Lieutenant Gruber´s best friend, but during their not-so-romantic tête-à-tête, Edith and the servant girls steal the Lieutenant´s little tank to try and rescue René.

Enter Denise

René and LeClerc are caught between a rock and a hard place - and the Communist Résistance. They cannot reveal their true identities, because they will be shot as collaborators to the Germans. Enter Denise, the head of the Communist Résistance, who was René´s sweetheart in his childhood in Nancy, and who´s now determined to marry René. Meanwhile, Edith and the servant girls have to explain to the Lieutenant why his little tank has crashed into the public toilet, and ends up getting Gruber´s compassion. And the two British airmen have decided it´s probably better to surrender to the Jerries than to stay at René´s café. Back at the café, René has a difficult time telling Edith that he will marry Denise, since Monsieur Alphonse has asked for Edith´s hand, and Yvette has it in her heart to tell Edith that René will marry her instead.

A Marriage of Inconvenience

René's wedding to Denise is due shortly and he is not too happy about it. Another person that isn't too happy about this marriage is Edith. She summons Michelle, telling her that if René marries Denise, he'll join the Communists. Edith has hatched a plan, which requires Michelle and her girls to kidnap Denise. Then, Edith can take her place at the altar and marry René. They agree not to let René know about the plan. Von Strohm is getting heat from Gen. Von Klinkerhoffen after the paintings were stolen from Gruber. He commands Gruber to somehow get René to reveal the whereabouts of the paintings. Edith arranges a romantic dinner for her and René at the café. It is supposed to be a reprise of their honeymoon night before René is to marry Denise (or at least, so he thinks). The next morning, Michelle informs Edith that she has kidnapped Denise and put her in a mine shaft. Edith hurriedly goes to put on the wedding dress. Meanwhile, René is getting ready as Gruber arrives to question him. He is most disappointed to learn of the wedding. René assures Gruber and Von Strohm that the paintings are safe. Finally, the ceremony starts and René is shocked when Edith briefly lifts her thick veil to him. However, Edith's plan goes awry because Yvette and Mimi have substituted the priest with Crabtree, thus making the ceremony invalid.

Post-Matrimonial Depression

Edith is upset since her plot to secretly remarry René has backfired. René himself is far more upset, though, as he learns that Denise has escaped from the mine shaft where Michelle held her captive. It is not long before a Communist hit squad shows up at the Cafe to get back at René, but Edith and the others tell them that René is dead. René then has to dress up like and old man so he can pose as his own father. Meanwhile, Von Strohm is worried since René is the only one who knows where the paintings are, so he orders Helga to follow and protect him and write down his last words in case he should end up dead. So of course Helga has to don a costume too; dressing up as a hooker (plus a mechanical poodle and Gruber dressed as her pimp). Herr Flick gets involved too; assigning Von Smallhausen to take pictures of everyone René comes in contact with. Despite all of this, Denise and her girls manage to capture him in front of everybody. Luckily for René, though, Denise realizes that the failed marriage attempt wasn't his fault - it was the fault of Edith, Mimi and Yvette! She announces her intention to kill all three women before dumping René out of her Communist truck as she leaves town to campaign for head of the Comunist party.

The Long Distance Duck

Rene, having been dumped out of the Communist truck, reports to the girls that Denise has vowed to kill them all, so Edith starts hiding in various disguises (including disguising herself as her mother and as Leclerc). Helga reports to Von Strohm that the paintings are in the Communist HQ, so they make plans to attack the Communists and recover the art, using Bertorelli and his just-arrived Italian troops. Von Klinkerhoffen comes to report that the German Generals will be arriving for a conference to plan the British invasion, and Rene is told by Michelle that he will end up doing the catering for the conference and that he must photograph the plans, and send them by duck.

The Generals' Conference

Michelle arrives to report that it is time for the German Generals' Conference at the chateau. Rene is to photograph the plans, using what is perhaps the funniest device used in the show: a false "caterer" front with a fake hand and a camera hidden beneath a flip-up apron. Edith is assigned to provide the distraction, and given some foam-at-the-mouth pills in a bottle labelled "Curiously Strong Peppermints". Unfortunately, Leclerc has let the Long Distance Duck loose, so he and Alphonse go duck-hunting to recapture it (so it can take the film to England), but Bertorelli shoots it first. Gruber, planning the arrangements for the conference, finds he doesn't have enough sleeping space, so he needs to rent a room at the Cafe. Flick has Helga try on the wedding dress he has gotten for her (all leather). "London Calling" tells Rene that one of the Generals at the conference is a French collaborator and must be eliminated, but Mimi jumps the gun and paralyzes the French General in the Cafe. Crabtree takes his place at the Conference, which Flick and Von Smallhausen attempt to observe. The Generals at the Conference find the bottle of "mints" and all take one, which results in them all soon foaming at the mouth. As they panic and run to the Hospital, Rene stands on a chair and flips his apron to snap the map.

Michelle's Secret Love

Leclerc and Alphonse bring the duck (shot by Bertorelli) to the Cafe, to find it appears to only be stunned, not dead. Von Strohm and Gruber study a map of the Communist's sawmill and plan to storm it to recover the paintings. Michelle angrily reports that Rene's photo is useless since he photographed a blank map, but Rene has reached the end of his rope and decides to quit the resistance. To keep him in, Michelle reveals her hidden love for him and he relents. Gruber arrives to arrest Rene to be shot for the attempted poisoning. But Flick suspects the big-nosed French General of the poisoning, and heads off to find him. Rene is offered many possible disguises with which to avoid the firing squad but he ends up disguised as the French general. Unfortunately Leclerc uses plastic explosive for the fake nose. Helga fetches Flick to capture the French General he suspects, but Rene's nose is accidentally ignited and he tosses it out into the street, just as Herr Flick arrives to take the full brunt of the blast.

The British Invasion

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Parade of Prams

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The Bank Job

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Communists in the Cupboard

None

Forged Francs & Fishsellers

None

L'Hospital

After launching the Long-Distance Duck, Edith is now in charge of feeding the hatchlings. Meanwhile, Yvette, Mimi, Denise and Louise all pledge their undying love to René. Yvette has gotten hold of disguises for the hiding Communists, but Denise rejects the ragged serving girl outfits, insisting that Edith must die, and René should get them waitress outfits. Monsieur Alphonse is being interrogated by the Gestapo after being arrested for passing forged notes. Von Strohm and Gruber fear that he may reveal the whereabouts and plots of the paintings, so they come up with a plan to kill him by having René feed him a pastry with a suicide pill. Of course the plan backfires and instead Fanny nearly eats the pill. Meanwhile, Helga tells to Alphonse where she is hiding her share of the loot and how she has a hacksaw blade hidden on her body to help him escape - but as she removes her uniform to show him, Alphonse suffers a heart attack from the sight and Herr Flick carts him off to the hospital. Numerous of crazy schemes occur in the aftermath: Michelle plans to have an Alphonse dummy and wheel in a gurney on which she'll sneak Alphonse back out. Helga comes up with a plan to stop Alphonse from talking by killing him with an exploding bedpan with a microphone inside and Von Strohm and Gruber masquerading as nurses. Michelle's plan ends up with René faking food poisoning and the whole cafe gang in disguise as a hospital team. But no end to the problems: they can't get Alphonse unhooked from the cardiogram machine... They take the whole bed and the cardiogram with them and leave the dummy behind. Gruber and Von Strohm blow up the dummy and think they've killed Alphonse. René ends up in the maternity ward by mistake but he manages to escape surgery at the last minute. The others get Alphonse with them in an ambulance but they've forgotten about René, who is left alone outside the hospital as they drive off.

Feathers

Having escaped from the hospital, René is left making his way back to the cafe in a hospital gown, which opens up the back. Gruber unexpectedly arrives and - amused by the backless hospital gown - informs him Alphonse has been killed by the exploding bedpan. Yvette is happy René is back but as usual Edith catches them in each others arms. The excuse this time is that Yvette is faint from the anaesthetic on the operating gown. Helga is surprised to learn from Herr Flick that the stolen Gestapo money were fake. Meanwhile, Herr Flick figures Alphonse had the money so he sends Von Smallhausen off to Alphonse's mortuary (posing as a corpse). Helga tells Von Strohm that the money are fake so they put them into Bertorelli's pants for him to return to René. However, Von Strohm double-crosses Bertorelli and anonymously calls Herr Flick and says the money are in the pants of a man with feathers in his hat. Michelle has come up with a new "ingenious" escape plan for the airmen: put them inside giant land mines (emptied of explosive), drop them over England and have the airmen "unscrew their nuts" to leap out in midair and land safely with parachutes. No one are particularly impressed by this plan. Denise, Louise and the rest of the Communists vote to leave for a safehouse in Abbéville. Louise promises René to kill Denise, take control of the Communists and return for him. Bertorelli makes it to the Café and with the money, which gets hidden in the oven. Leclerc brings the parachutes for the escape plan while wearing another "brilliant" disguise as a pillow-stuffer. Unfortunately, he has feathers in his hat and he gets arrested by Herr Flick, who of course thinks he's got the money.

Leclerc Against the Wall

Edith begs René to marry her again, but he convinces her Denise is still a looming threat. Herr Flick interrogates Leclerc, who maintains his innocence. Flick doesn't believe him, though, and announces that unless the money is returned, Leclerc will be executed by a firing squad. Von Strohm learns the two land mines (for the airmen's escape) has been stolen and gets nervous. He orders Gruber to talk to René and see if he knows anything about the land mines. At the Café, Fanny for once gets out of bed to cook herself a big potato. Unfortunately, she has cooked the potato with the spy camera to photograph the German invasion plans with. Also, the forged money in the oven has been burned up so it's now impossible to return the money to Herr Flick in order to stop Leclerc's execution. Gruber flirts with René and says he can help get Leclerc free if the land mines are returned. Michelle and the airmen practice the escape plan, timing the unscrewing of the nuts from inside the land mines. Michelle refuses to return the land mines but contacts British intelligence to get replacement forgeries. However, the airdrop with the replacement forgeries is overdue and time is running out for Leclerc. Luckily, they arrive just in time.

Christmas Puddings

The Germans are after Michelle so she dresses up like a man and hides at Café René. She reports that the explosive the Resistance removed from the land mines has been in storage in a pudding factory. But since the pudding factory will soon be commandeered by the Germans, the Resistance plan to move the explosives, all 1000 kilos, to the café - disguised as 500 Christmas Puddings. René is far from happy about this plan. General Von Klinkerhoffen arrives to inform Colonel Von Strohm and the others that has heard of the stolen land mines and he demands them retrieved right away. Herr Flick has received information that there is a lot of Resistance activity and secret meetings at the larder in René's café. Flick decides to stake out the larder, observing it from a church bell tower. To René's distress, explosive Christmas puddings arrive as a delivery in Alphonse's hearse but Fanny panics when she thinks the hearse is meant for her. Meanwhile, more puddings arrive in various ways: in Crabtree's cape, Resistance girls pretending to be pregnant and of course Leclerc in an "unrecognizable" disguise as a pudding seller. Herr Flick and Von Smallhausen dress up like monks to get into the church. The British airmen keep practicing their escape routine and are now able to unscrew their nuts in only 12 seconds. That still leaves little time to jump out of the land mines, though. At the church, Herr Flick tries to get a better view by climbing up the bell rope but unfortunately the large bell falls down, trapping Von Smallhausen inside.

Mines Away!

At night, René is storing all the Christmas puddings when Yvette comes for a moment of passion. Accidentally she light one of the puddings but disaster is avoided just in time. Helga and Herr Flick finally manage to free Von Smallhausen from the church bell. Flick believes he saw the land mines in the Builder's Yard next to Café René when he was up in the bell rope. Helga rushes to tell Von Strohm. Michelle informs the land mines will be transported this evening and she is planning to drop two exploding puddings down the funnel of the 12:30 Express. Flick and Von Smallhausen find the mines and hide inside them in hope of catching Resistance members. Von Strohm and the other Germans have the land mines taken back to the German air force base. Michelle comes up with a new plan to get the airmen into the mines again by sneaking them into the air force base inside wine barrels. René, Leclerc and Crabtree have to carry out this mission which they have to give up because they can't get into the mines in time. But Herr Flick and Von Smallhausen, who're still inside the mines, are shipped out and dropped over England.

All Aboard

Michelle summons René and the others into the backroom and reports that the British have a new plan to get the two airmen home: send a midget two-man submarine up the canal at midnight - the airmen must sit astride it wearing diving helmets. This hopeless plan finally pushes René over the edge - he can take no more of Michelle's plots. Secretly, he and Yvette plan to take the paintings and run off to Switzerland. However, Helga arrives at the café and forces René to take the paintings (still hidden inside knockwursts) to Von Strohm. Von Strohm explains that General Von Klinkerhoffen has told him Hitler wants the paintings right away and has got an art expert to verify the authenticity. Hitler has also ordered that the peasant who was hiding the paintings be shot but Von Strohm gives René a quick headstart to escape. Helga tells Herr Flick about the paintings and he finds out that Hitler could not have given these orders. Von Klinkerhoffen's Swedish art expert, Yoop Hoop de Hoop, verifies the paintings as real and the General has him sell the paintings in exchange for several goldbars. Since Von Klinkerhoffen's safe has been blown up, he hides stores the goldbars at the police station but René manages to sneak in and steal it. René leaves a letter for Yvette, telling her to meet him at the 11:15 Geneva Express. He also leaves a goodbye note for Edith but Leclerc mixes them up so Edith happily heads to the Geneva Express. Mimi later finds the same letter and also heads to the Express. Only Yvette is left devastated. Helga, Gruber and Von Strohm discover that Yoop Hoop de Hoop is using the 11:15 Express to take the paintings to Berlin and they sneak after to retrieve the paintings. As if that wasn't enough, Von Smallhausen and Herr Flick also end up on the Express as they are suspicious of Von klinkerhoffen. Meanwhile, René to his horror finds Edith in his sleeping compartment.

The Geneva Express

René desperately tries to avoid Edith but instead encounters Mimi. René lies - telling her he loves her but can't be together when Edith is also on the train - and convinces her to jump off. Helga drugs some coffee for the Swedish art expert so she can substitute the paintings with forgeries but she runs off when the stewards return to the kitchen. However, it's only Herr Flick and Von Smallhausen disguised as stewards but Von Smallhausen drinks the drugged coffee and passes out. Helga and Von Strohm switch the paintings. Flick steals the forgeries (thinking they are real) and switches them with yet another set of fake paintings. Yvette pops up on the train as she has learned Leclerc switched her letter with Edith's. Leclerc himself also shows up to warn René that Michelle is going to drop two of the exploding Christmas puddings onto the train. But he's too late as the train gets blown up only seconds later. Luckily, everyone survives and straggle back to Café René. There, Edith catches Yvette in René's arms AGAIN. Tonight's excuse is that Yvette is upset that Edith and René didn't succeed in eloping. René is worried when he remembers that he still has the gold. If Von Klinkerhoffen finds out, many peasants will be shot. However, Crabtree reports he has gummed up the lock on Von Klinkerhoffen's safe to stop him from getting the gold. Safely back home, Von Strohm hides the paintings in a statue at his office. But suddenly, Von Klinkerhoffen drops by and asks Gruber to use his little tank to take the safe to his chateau. Von Klinkerhoffen also takes a liking to the statue where Von Strohm has hidden the paintings and takes it with him. Meanwhile, at the police station, René and Edith try to blow up the safe with a Christmas pudding. When Gruber arrives, it's to late to put out the fuse so they let him put it into his little tank. However, Bertorelli insists on trying the tank which of course blows up with him inside.

Enigma

Rene skrije zlato v uro s kukavico, potem pa se na polkovnikov ukaz s prijatelji iz Odpora prelevi v godalni kvartet,ki naj bi igral na plesu častnikov. G.Flick in von Smallhausen se prav tako pridružita plesu-preoblečena v služabnici.

Renewing the Vows

None

The Big Flush

René fears what General von Klinkeroffen will do if he finds out that he has stolen the gold bars, and decides to escape to Geneva with Yvette. René camouflages the gold as the weight of his cuckoo clock and packs it with him. Yvette enters and wonders where he has hidden the gold, and starts fondling René to see if he has it on his person. As usual, they are surprised by Edith who wonders what's going on. "You STUPID woman!" René shouts; lying that Yvette was only searching for the key to the wine cellar. All of a sudden, von Strohm, Gruber and von Klinkerhoffen show up at the café. Klinkerhoffen says that the secret enigma coding machine has been stolen, and whoever has it will be able to encode all the messages of the German army. He demands a search of the café and says that anyone who tries to leave Nouvion will be shot - much to René's chagrin. Michelle pops up at the café - disguised as a pregnant peasant girl. She takes René to the back room and pulls out the enigma decoding machine from her coat. She instructs René to hide the machine in a wine barrel and drop it into the sewer. A British submarine is waiting to pick it up, so at a pre-arranged time, all the villagers of Nouvion will flush their toilets so that the enigma machine will reach the canal where the submarine is waiting. While the Germans are distracted, René, Edith, Yvette, Mimi and Monsieur Alphonse place the wine barrel with the machine into the sewer. Unofrtunately, this plan goes down the drain too: Crabtree later arrives to inform René that the British air force have dropped bombs on the water works and hit the water pumps. No it won't work to flush away the enigma machine. Edith comes up with a new plan: to fill up the sewer with the café's wine. The plan works and the enigma machine is finally flushed away. The gang heads back to the café and celebrate their success. That is until René discovers that Leclerc has put the wrong case in the barrel: they have flushed the suitcase René was packing earlier, while the enigma machine is still at the café.

Enigma's End

None

The Ghost of René

Rene is preparing to pay his respects to his dead twin brother, but Michelle warns him not to go to the grave. The Resistance are building a communication center there, which will overcome the German jamming. Meanwhile, there is a new plan for the Airmen to wade down the canal with an upturned tin bath over their heads. Flick and Von Smallhausen disguise themselves as airmen and learn just enough English ("fa,fa,fa,fa,fa,fa") to be rescued by the Resistance. Colonel Von Strohm tries to tip Rene off about the Gestapo plans, but to no avail. Fanny announces that newly-freed Ernest and she are getting married. Meanwhile, Von Klinkerhoffen has become aware of the unusual activities in the churchyard, and has Gruber interrogate Alphonse. The center is made ready that night, so Rene and Edith head for the cemetery. Unfortunately, Gruber and Helga decide to also visit the grave, since Gruber keeps seeing Rene's ghost saying "J' accuse" (or is it Jack Hughes?). Unfortunately, Elaine, the radio operator, has not shown up, so Alphonse gamely tries to work the mechanism. Rene gets caught on the aerial and rises above the gravesite, frightening Helga and Gruber, though Gruber asks for forgiveness and Rene complies...

It's Raining Italians

To help alleviate the pain from the previous night's aerial excursion, many people try to massage Rene's back, but to no avail. Gruber confesses to Rene that he saw his twin's ghost, who forgave him for shooting him dead. He also warns Rene about the Gestapo plan and when it will take place. Michelle arrives and berates Rene for breaking the radio, which now has to be set up in Fanny's room. To top it all off, the airmen have still been sitting in the canal all this time. Meanwhile, Von Klinkerhoffen decides that the regular army should be first with the "disguised as airmen" plan, so he recruits some of Bertorelli's men to be dropped out of a plane and then drop "anise balls" to give the tracking dogs something to follow. Michelle disguises Crabtree as a Resistance girl, and he captures Flick and Von Smallhausen, while Bertorelli's men (who have to be dropped out of the cargo bay since they're all scared of heights) get lost. Bloodhounds could not be acquired, so the Germans have to make do with poodles borrowed from the street walkers. The Gestapo are led to the hiding place, where they encounter the cafe staff disguised as monsters (the makeup artist used to work for Boris Karloff) as the Gestapo make a hasty exit.

The Goose and the Submarine

As Crabtree struggles to remove the huge false ears glued to his head from the previous night's disguise, Herr Flick and Von Smallhausen are arrested by the Germans while disguised as British Airmen, and try to explain what happened the previous evening (which Von Klinkerhoffen finds amusing). The General also does not believe a message a listening post has picked up (something about Jack and Jill in a bucket). He forces Helga (newly promoted to Lance Corporal) to keep tabs on Flick by marrying him, while the airmen finally make their way down the canal to the rendezvous. Helga spends all afternoon seducing Flick (who is actually quite shy). Michelle informs our heroes that they know they will be at the rendezvous when they see a goose with flashing eyes and smoke coming out of its tail. The Cafe staff rows to the estuary while the airmen once again get lost. The goose has a phone on it over which the submarine commander says they can't wait for the airmen any longer. Meanwhile, the Germans have to halt their search for the airmen when the periscope of the sub comes up right through their boat and sinks it.

Playing Dead Again

The soggy Germans and the airmen end up on the same bank together, where the British airmen are promptly captured. Unfortunately, Bertorelli is the only one with enough English to communicate with them (he's seen plenty of Humphrey Bogart pictures), so he uses the translation dictionary, which has mixed results. Rene and Edith are brought in, but fortunately the airmen deny having known them. Helga is ordered to break off her engagement with Flick, while we learn that the airmen are to be put on a train for Berlin by Nazi Intelligence in the morning. Rene tries to communicate with London, but mice have eaten the code book. Gruber then stops by to secretly inform Rene about the airmen and gives him the keys to both the chateau and the cell. Michelle devises a plan to fool the guards by dressing as undertakers and carrying out the airmen in coffins (as they pretend to be dead, as in episode 2.6). Meanwhile, Flick and Von Smallhausen disguise themselves as Capt. Heisengerkin and Field Marshall Von Crackenfart to also capture the airmen. Unfortunately, the coffin plan has a few setbacks: Alphonse and Leclerc get into a sword duel while Crabtree drops one of the coffins down the stairs. Von Klinkerhoffen hears the noises, but fortunately Gruber is able to just barely cover for our heroes, who make a hasty exit (aborting the rescue plan) while the Gestapo men are arrested for impersonating army officers.

Disguised Intelligence

Only one thing keeps Rene from legging it to Spain after last night: there is not enough money in the till. Gruber pays another visit and says that fortunately the Intelligence officers will be arriving by car instead, while the General is off visiting Big Bertha (the gun, not his bit of stuff). Colonel Von Strohm interrogates Herr Flick and Von Smallhausen, but cannot give them their punishment, since Himmler calls and wants them released (all thanks to Helga). Michelle wants to hijack the car with the Intelligence officers and then use their uniforms to infiltrate the chateau and get the airmen out. Fanny, Leclerc, and the wheelchair stop the car and the Resistance jumps out with guns pointing. Rene and Edith are (reluctantly) chosen to be the faux officers, and are able to infiltrate the chateau. Unfortunately, the airmen end up handcuffed to the wrists of Rene, Edith, and Mimi, and the keys are in Berlin. Added to that, the car needs to be push started, whereupon the brakes jam, as Leclerc madly drives down the road and our moptley crew is stranded in the middle of nowhere.

Fence Painting

Rene finds a hacksaw blade, but it breaks. Alphonse arrives with a chisel, but this too breaks, so the group leg it to the police station to have Crabtree free them. Meanwhile, Herr Flick is beginning to feel his career is in danger, so he decides to get his hands on the Fallen Madonna to sell so he can abscond with the money. Unfortunately, because the airmen have escaped, the German officers also have this plan in mind, so they ask Rene about finding them a fence. Flick stops by the cafe and demands the painting be brought to his headquarters tonight. The secret meeting about the painting is held, with Alphonse acting as the fence, and everyone else keeping paper bags on their heads. Fortunately, the painting is traded for the gold cuckoo clock weight. Out in the cafe, Crabtree has been re-united with a lost love from the academy, who also speaks bad French and is now working for the Resistance. (It is claimed that the reason no one can understand Crabtree is that he is speaking posh French and the people in the village have an accent) Rene has a forgery sent to Flick, while the Germans change their mind about the trade and ask for hard currency. Rene decides to use some of the forged money Leclerc has been hiding in his mattress to trade for the gold. The exchange will be made at the church confessional booth. Unfortunately, Edith comes to confessional and enters Rene's booth. After her confessional, the real priest shows up and ends up getting the gold from the Germans.

The Marriage of Ernest & Fanny Leclerc

Von Klinkerhoffen's Breakdown

Von Flockenstuffen In Command

Leclerc and Fanny are brought down in the town square after the helium runs out, where they are then arrested and sent to prison. Since Von Klinkerhoffen's nervous breakdown, General Von Flockenstuffen has taken command, much to the chagrin of Von Strohm, Gruber, Bertorelli, and Helga. Edith manages to forge her own papers to release Fanny and Leclerc just as Von Smallhausen has himself arrested to interrogate the couple about the British airmen. Ultimately, the forged papers are discovered, and the newlyweds hide back at the cafe. Unfortunately, their spring-loaded Murphy bed has now pinned them behind the wall...

Free At Last!

Monsieur Alphonse, who made the Murphy bed, arrives to pry the couple out while Mimi tries to feed them soup through a hole using a bellows. Meanwhile, Von Flockenstuffen reveals his plans to kidnap Churchill, pulling rank on the recovering Von Klinkerhoffen. Von Strohm, Gruber, and Bertorelli have even greater doubts about the plan when the general puts them in charge of the suicide squad in the kidnapping. Flick has Von Smallhausen sprung from prison and the pair arrive just as the dynamite (borrowed from the resistance and disguised as candles) goes off in their faces and frees the newlyweds. That night, as Von Flockenstuffen is being entertained in the cafe, Helga and Bertorelli spring Von Klinkerhoffen. Von Flockenstuffen demands to visit the cellar, taking with him one of the dynamite candles. Von Klinkerhoffen arrives to relieve him just as the candle goes off.

Eloping to England

Rene is to be given a collaboration medal for his help with the removal of Von Flockenstuffen. Unfortunately, this causes the Communist resistance to place a price on his head. He decides once again to elope with Yvette. Michelle orders Rene to take the Airmen to the monastery to be picked up by a lightweight plane. Flick also learns of this news, and he and Von Smallhausen have themselves initiated into the brotherhood to gather information and capture the Airmen. Unfortunately, because of the dark and the fact that everyone is dressed in monks habits with hoods, Rene ends up grabbing Edith's hand instead of Yvette's, as the two are rushed aboard the plane bound for England.

Hello Hans!

Rene and an airsick Edith land in England where British Intelligence tries to find out why they aren't the Airmen. An officer from Deep Intelligence is brought in, and he turns out to be none other than Hans Geering. In the intervening time, Hans has become a British citizen with his knowledge of the Nazi army (and a little bit of brainwashing). At #10 Downing Street, Churchill desires to meet Rene and Edith, who he awards medals and citations (after a few drinks and a nap). However, Edith decides to return home after discovering that Fanny and Leclerc are ruining the bar. They are flown over Nouvion, and as Rene hugs Edith goodbye, the bomb door opens and the two of them are dropped out of the plane. Arriving back at the cafe just before they are to be arrested for being out past curfew, Rene learns that he did not qualify for the collaboration medal after all

Lines of Communication

Michelle and Crabtree manage to get the Airmen back (they are currently hiding with pigs) by disguising them as sacks of potatoes. Michelle also hatches another plan to send them home by cutting down telephone poles to make a raft. Helga helps Flick and Von Smallhausen narrowly escape from the monastery. Meanwhile, Von Klinkerhoffen, upset by the amount of Resistance propaganda in the town, decides to restart the old newspaper and has Rene and Alphonse appointed to run it. Flick is out of petty cash and tries to call Berlin for more, thereby discovering the phone line plot. Alphonse suggests the Germans have their picture taken with Ernest and Fanny, to make them appear more humane (but which pair needs that help more?). Michelle also favors the paper, which she will secretly use to spread more Resistance propaganda. The picture with the couple fails (due to a newlywed tiff), and so a picnic is staged. Unfortunately, it is disrupted by Flick and Von Smallhausen falling in on a telephone pole (sawed halfway through by the Resistance) while trying to call Berlin.

The Spirit of Nouvion

The telephone pole plan having been discovered, the Resistance now try to get the Airmen out in wine barrels. Unfortunately, the Resistance is running out of funds, and Mimi makes a slip about the Fallen Madonna, so Michelle decides to steal the painting from Herr Flick and sell it to fund the Resistance. Meanwhile, Flick is forced to break up with Helga (Himmler told him so). Back at the newspaper, a "Spirit of Nouvion" contest is being held, as Edith, Yvette, and Mimi simultaneously show up to be photographed. That night, our heroes tunnel into Flick's office and break into the underside of the safe. At the same time, Von Strohm, Gruber, and Bertorelli break in through the front door. Rene is accidentally doused in flour before he enters the safe, and when the door is opened, Gruber again believes he is seeing Rene's dead twin brother's ghost. The Germans make a hasty exit and Rene gets the painting. He plans to switch it with a forgery, and is blackmailed by Edith, who forces him to select her as the "Spirit of Nouvion".

A Barrel Full of Airmen

Rene is going to make a run for the Spanish border disguised as an onion seller. Just as he is leaving, Von Strohm, Gruber, and Bertorelli show up and try to get an explanation about the theft. Rene hands over the painting, which in turn is unfortunately handed over to the General. Receiving this news, Flick decides he must make up with Helga to get back the painting. Von Klinkerhoffen decides to have his picture taken at the cafe for the propaganda paper. Michelle places the wine barrels, designed to transport the airmen, in Rene's cellar. Helga ignores Flick's advances and starts dating Bertorelli to make him jealous. Flick in turn tries to chat up the waitresses at the cafe, and Von Klinkerhoffen has him thrown out. The General then asks to see the wine cellar and ends up taking the barrels (with the airmen in them) back to his chateau.

Stuck!

The first edition of the paper comes out, with Edith's face gracing the cover alongside the general. Michelle discovers the painting she has is a forgery and develops a plan to get both the original and the Airmen out. Von Klinkerhoffen decides that for the second edition, a mixed marriage between a German and Frenchman should take place. Bertorelli is chosen, and his bride to be is Edith, who is still single. The General arranges for a party to be held for the new couple at the chateau, inviting all the local dignitaries. Flick and Von Smallhausen sneak into the chateau via the moat while Mimi uses the dumbwaiter to let Michelle and her troops in to get the airmen out through the underground river. Fanny is able to break up the cafe by claiming Edith does not own it, and the Gestapo set off a fake fire alarm to cover their theft of the painting. To top it all off, the Airmen become stuck in the sewer in the center of town.

The Ice Cream Truck

Rene is forced to stuff mustard and sausages down his trousers to slide down to the airmen in the sewer, while a soup tank is being fitted to the bottom of Fanny's chair. Unfortunately, Fanny has gone to visit her sister, so Edith has to impersonate her. Alphonse tries to pry open the hinges on the sewer grate but they are too rusty, so he concocts a scheme worthy of Michelle. Rene will use his old ice cream truck to cover up the grate while Alphonse bangs at the hinges with his chisel. Meanwhile, Von Smallhausen makes a copy of the Fallen Madonna, while Flick tries to woo Helga once more. However, she has gone on a training course and is replaced by Private Elsa Bigstern, who takes to a surprised Flick immediately. The ice cream van is rolled in, and Von Klinkerhoffen protests its presence. But the heat gets to all of them and he decides to purchase some ice cream. However, as Yvette pumps it, the winch that is pulling up the grate blows out the pump on the ice cream maker, which starts spurting out vanilla all over the General.

The Gypsy Carnival

Abandoning Alphonse's truck idea, Michelle discovers an old charter which states that a gypsy fair is always held on the solstice. One of the gypsy tents could be placed over the grate, and they could finally get the airmen out. Flick has Elsa place the forgery in Von Strohm's office. Rene and Edith visit the gypsies, who read their palms. The gypsy leader claims that Edith was really Romanna, the Gypsy Princess. However, he quickly changes his mind when he hears her sing. The General discovers the painting and has Von Strohm, Gruber, Bertorelli and Bigstern arrested. The gypsies cancel because of a bad omen, so the cafe staff must take their places. Von Klinkerhoffen discovers the painting is another forgery, and releases his officers just in time for the start of the carnival. Rene is a fortune-teller in the tent covering the grate. The Airmen are given a chisel to try and break the hinges from the inside. Unfortunately, Gruber comes to communicate with Rene's dead twin brother. As the seance commences, the Airmen break out and push up the rug covering the grate, frightening Gruber who runs away. The airmen are followed by THREE MORE airmen who have been lost in the sewer for weeks. However, they take one look at Edith and head straight down into the sewer again while our airmen stay up top.

Radio Free Flamenco

Michelle informs Rene of her plan to create a traveling propaganda radio station, broadcasting messages on prerecorded wax cylinders. However, a parachute drop by the British fails to hit its target when the British are hit by a missile fired by Gruber, instead dropping the cylinders into the chimney of the German-controlled chateaux. Conveniently, Rene and the others take the place of a traveling Spanish flamenco dance troupe scheduled to perform at the chateaux in order to retrieve the tubes. Unknown to Rene, though, Gruber had arranged to deliver a photo and sample of the painting to an art dealer/contact within the dance troupe. Instead, the photo and samples are given to Monsieur Alphonse. Also, Crabtree sings again!

The Great Pay Robbery

When Michelle realizes the importance of the photo of Gruber holding the painting, she decides to blackmail the Germans for 10 million francs. Having no choice but to resort to robbery, Von Strohm, Gruber and Helga--disguised as resistance girls--plan to hold-up the incoming German pay truck. Flick and Von Smallhausen learn of the plans after drugging Helga with a truth serum, and attempt to intercept the pay truck themselves, also by disguising as resistance girls. Flick and Von Smallhausen arrive after the robbery occurs but are arrested by Von Klinkerhoffen as the guilty party to the crime. Back at the cafe, Rene and company record their first propaganda broadcast.

Blowing Up Hitler

Yvette arranges a secret meeting for her and Rene with a local priest to discuss a possible marriage. Von Klinkerhoffen revives his plan to assassinate Hitler and Goering, who are visiting for lunch. In fact, though, the two senior Germans turn out to be impostors sent as decoys. Meanwhile, Helga plans to sneak dynamite into the prison where Flick and Von Smallhausen are held. The dynamite, disguised as knockwurst sausages (what else?), instead finds its way to the luncheon for the German officers, and the two impostors are killed in the explosion. Von Klinkerhoffen orders Von Strohm and Gruber to disguise themselves as Hitler and Goering so that they may be seen driving through Nouvion alive and well. Back at the cafe, Mimi plans her own assassination attempt of the Germans, which naturally goes awry.

Lead Shortage

Von Strohm decides to make a downpayment on the ransom owed to the Resistance. Crabtree tells Rene that Michelle has informed him the battery used for the mobile radio station isn't strong enough, and lead is needed to improve the power. Yvette, Crabtree, Mimi and Alphonse sneak into the church to remove some lead from the roof. While serving as lookouts for the rest of the group, Rene and Edith are mistaken for another "couple." Meanwhile, Von Strohm and Gruber are again disguised as Hitler and Goering as Von Klinkerhoffen orders them to be seen driving out of his jurisdiction. However, they are captured by Louise and the Communist Resistance!

Hitler Escapes

Michelle discovers that the Communist Resistance are holding Hitler and Goering (in fact, Gruber and Von Strohm) and plans to meet with the opposition to discuss radio broadcast options. However, when the two factions meet, a fight breaks out between the women over Rene (of course). While the fight is taking place, Crabtree, Yvette and Alphonse attempt their own kidnapping of "Hitler" and "Goering" from the other side of the barn. They fail when an attempt to use a charging bull goes out of control. Gruber and Von Strohm escape in the confusion and head to the cafe. Meanwhile, Flick and Von Smallhausen face a close call at a firing squad for their alleged part in the pay truck robbery.

A Fistful of Francs

After escaping from the cafe disguised as a woman, Von Strohm later agrees to pay the photo ransom to the resistance by stuffing the 10 million francs into a large dogfish, to be released into the river and retrieved by the resistance. However, Alphonse instead catches the fish while on a picnic with Edith. Realizing a profit is to be made on the large fish, he sells it to the local fishmonger, who in turns sells it to Von Smallhausen, who prepares it for a dinner for Flick and Helga. While eating the fish, the loot is finally discovered by Flick, who immediately offers a trade of the money to Von Strohm for the painting. Meanwhile, on orders from Von Klinkerhoffen, Rene and Edith are used as decoys for Hitler and Goering as the Germans plan to ambush any resistance group planning on attacking the two "Germans" as they leave town. Before they can complete the ruse, though, Rene and Edith are captured by Allied-sympathetic German troops and are lined up for execution.

Emigration

Edith and Rene are rescued by British troops prior to their execution, and are released in the woods when their true identities are revealed. Edith's mother and Leclerc, assuming Rene and Edith to be dead, make off with the cafe's money and flee to Paris. Upon finding out that the photo of Gruber holding the painting has indeed been passed on to Von Klinkerhoffen, the two German officers decide to make their escape to Spain with the traveling flamenco dancers. Before they depart, though, they meet with Flick at the cafe to swap the painting for the 10 million francs. Both sides trick each other, though, as Flick has substituted scrap paper for the money, and the fleeing officers had only given Flick the disembodied "boobie." Finally, Yvette and Rene find out the pregnancy results were an error.

Fighting With Windmills

Gruber and Von Strohm return from their failed escape attempt. Rene agrees to hide the painting, still missing a boobie, and suggests the Germans fake their own kidnapping by hiding in the windmill. Rene must later rescue them, though, as Von Klinkerhoffen decides to use the windmill for target practice. Rene rescues the pair, but is left alone only to be taken hostage himself by the girls of the Communist resistance. Meanwhile, a heavily-bandaged Flick tells Helga he has had plastic surgery to avoid capture by the Allies.

Missing and Presumed Dead

Rene finds himself living as a love slave to the Communist resistance. Gruber and Von Strohm try to collect the painting, but Edith is unsure of its whereabouts. The pair agree to pay for a statue of Rene, who is assumed killed in the windmill explosion. Flick reveals his new face and tries to swindle Edith out of the painting. Von Klinkerhoffen takes Gruber and Von Strohm hunting, where they shoot Rene, who is escaping from the resistance by disguising himself under a elkskin bedspread.

René Artois Is Still Dead

Rene has buckshot removed from his rear. Michelle plans to smuggle Rene to England, since he is still assumed by the Germans to be dead in the windmill explosion. Flick continues to pump information from Edith. After the plans to go to England are delayed, Rene instead decides to turn himself into the Germans, faking amnesia from the explosion.

The Fishmonger Float

Michelle tries to send important microfilm to England via a homing pigeon, but fails. Instead, new plans call for the group to sail to England with the film on a motorized float under the guise of the annual fishmonger's parade. Von Klinkerhoffen tells Gruber and Von Strohm of his plans to assassinate Hitler with an exploding picture frame. Flick and Von Smallhousen kidnap Mimi and Yvette, using their clothes and keys to enter the cafe to search for the painting.

Sand Trap

Alphonse continues work on the statue of Rene. Von Klinkerhoffen takes Gruber and Von Strohm golfing, where they discuss the assassination plans. Meanwhile, Flick, Von Smallhousen and Helga listen in on the plans via a bugged golf club. Later, at the train station where the painting is to be delivered, Flick intercepts the picture frame, instead thinking it is the original painting of the "Fallen Madonna." The villagers arrive at the coast, but instead find the Allied troops invading the beach.

End of the War

The Allies are nearly ready to reach Nouvion. Yvette asks to see Rene in the back room, where they find the two British airmen, once again shot down. The next day, the Allies reach the cafe. Gruber and Von Strohm decide to use the uniforms of the two British airmen to try to mingle out with the Allies, but they are caught as Von Klinkerhoffen arrives at the cafe to conduct the official surrender. Flick and Von Smallhausen try to use a mini-submarine to reach the ocean, via a secret tunnel under the town. Instead, they crash through the wall of the cafe, into the arms of the Allies. The war ends, and Rene is pinned with a medal as a hero by the Allies. The scene outside fades to the near present. A fancy Mercedes pulls into the square, where an old chauffeur, Von Strohm, opens the door for the rich owners of the car--Helga and Gruber. They enter the cafe to find things amazingly similar. They are told by Rene's young adopted son that he is outside, where Yvette is helping him use the public facility. Everyone ends up meeting in the square, next to the statue of Rene built by Alphonse. Upstairs, an older Mimi attends to the bedridden Edith. Outside, Gruber tells Rene how he became an international art dealer after the war. Rene explains that he never found the painting, which he accidentally misplaced just prior to the invasion. Gruber accidentally strikes the arm of the statue and it breaks, and the rolled-up painting falls out of the concrete statue. Stunned by the sudden recovery of the long-lost art work, everyone enters the cafe to decide how to split up the painting, now worth millions. Rene and Yvette, now carrying the painting, instead sneak over to Gruber's car. Edith, now hobbling down into the square, sees them. ("Rene! What are you doing with that serving girl?!?" ... "You stupid woman....can't you see? I...am...eloping!") The final shot is of the car pulling away from the square, with everyone else in a slow walking chase.