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Two and a Half Men (2003)
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Pilot
After Charlie's night with a girl is ruined due to Alan's interuption, Alan moves in, being kicked out of his house by his "suffocated" wife: Judith. The next day Alan brings over his son, Jake while he and Judith can talk about their marraige. While eatting, Alan finds out that Judith is a lesbian therefore their relationship ends. Charlie takes to Jake, and begins to take him shopping to meet girls and lets him play at his poker games. Upset, Alan moves in with their mother, Evelyn, taking Jake with him. Charlie now feels surprisingly empty and invites Alan and Jake to move back in, convincing Alan that all their problems in life are because of their controlling mother and that Jake would only end up being just as messed up in later life.
Big Flappy Bastards
While spending time with Jake, Charlie finds it hard to enforce rules that Alan has set out for him. It gets to the point were Jake lures a folk of sea gulls into his room, and Charlie gets very upset. This prompts Jake to try and get Charlie to forgive him. Alan starts doing chores for Judith, in the hopes of them getting back together. During one of the tasks, Judith kisses Alan, leading him to believe that things will get back to the way they once were.
Go East on Sunset Until You Reach the Gates of Hell
After spending a day at Disneyland, Jake gets sick and wants to go to his mothers' house, to have her take care of him. This sends Alan into a state of misery, as he realizes he's losing his wife, and son. Charlie suggests that they go drinking, and Alan agrees. After drinking the boys take a cab home, but at one point they end up at their mothers, where they try to tell her what they think of her, but fail in getting the point across.
If I Can't Write My Chocolate Song I'm Going to Take a Nap
Charlie is very unhappy with his housekeepers' decision to quiet, after she experiences Alans demanding ways. Alan then offers to take on the role of housekeeper, but this situation doesn't work at all. So Alan decides to get the housekeeper to come back. Before Alan leaves, he puts Charlie in charge of getting Jake ready for a dinner with his mother and grandparents. Charlie also tries to get Rose to move on, and date other men. He finds both situations to be bigger challenges then he first thought.
The Last Thing You Want Is to Wind Up With a Hump
After spending a night in Los Vegas, Charlie decides to live up to his promise that he made to Jake about attending his soccer game. During the game, Charlie sets up a play-date with an unattached mother named Kate, and they hit it off. During one of their dates, Charlie seems like he's ready for a serious relation. Alan sets up a meeting with Gloria (one of the soccer moms) to write a soccer newsletter, but Gloria has other intentions for the evening, and he has no idea. During the evening another soccer mom, Brooke, tries to move in on Gloria's plans.
Did You Check With the Captain of the Flying Monkeys?
Charlie tries to teach Jake to avoid certain calls that Charlie doesn't want to deal with, like his mother (Evelyn) for one. Evelyn gets so frustrated with not being able to talk to Charlie, that she decides to drop in while in the neighbourhood. She invites them to dinner, to meet her new boyfriend (Tommy). When the brothers get over to their mothers house, Charlie is shocked to realize that Tommy's daughter is Olivia, one of the people he has been avoiding. Olivia tries to confront Charlie about their situation, but doesn't get the answer she wants, and throughs her drink in his face, then storms off. After a week of not being able to contact their mother, Alan gets worried about her. So the brothers decide to go to her house and see if she's okay. They find her sitting in the dark and drinking, and she informs them that Tommy dumped her for a younger women. Later the brothers get Jake to try and cheer her up.
If They Do Go Either Way, They're Usually Fake
Judith gets worried when, for a school assignment, Jake draws the tattooed buttocks of a female surfer friend of Charlie's who is in the habit of walking around his place half naked. Then Alan gets worried about Judith after she becomes friends with the surfer girl.
Twenty-Five Little Pre-pubers Without a Snoot-ful
Alan tricks Charlie into joining him and Judith in leading Jake and his classmates in the school's annual music show.
Phase One, Complete
After meeting Wendy, a one-night stand of Charlies, Jake befriends her. Charlie doesn't like this situation, as he believes Wendy is using Jake to further their relationship, and he has no intention to keep it going. It gets to the point were Wendy even starts spending time with Evelyn, and Charlie becomes desperate to get rid of Wendy. After Charlie breaks it off Jake becomes very unhappy with him, because he won't be able to see Wendy anymore. This forces Charlie to confront Jake and explain the situation as best as he can. Rose sees that Alan knows how to play scrabble, and asks him to teach her to play, he agrees. During the scrabble games the two bond, and Charlie suspects that she is using Alan to get closer to him, but doesn't pursue the issue.
Merry Thanksgiving
In an attempt to prove that he is a family man, Charlie invites Lisa over for Thanksgiving dinner
Alan Harper, Frontier Chiropractor
While at the movies, the brothers bump into Judith and her new boyfriend. Seeing that Judith has changed her look, and the fact that Jake doesn't think Alan is as cool as Judith; prompts Alan to realize that if he wants to get back into the dating scene, he's going to have to change his look as well.
Camel Filters Pheromones
When Berta is forced to bring her granddaughter Prudence to work with her, the boys find themselves a little preoccupied with her.
Sara Like Puny Alan
Charlie finally gets a chance for a double date with a hot neighbor, who is out for revenge on her cheating husband, and her sister who's a hot soap opera actress, and needs Alan to come along. The problem is that Alan gets sick from Jake, so Charlie takes them to a steam room to help Alan get rid of his flu symptoms. This backfires, as Charlie also gets sick, but he has no intentions of canceling the date.
I Can't Afford Hyenas
Stan, Charlie's accountant, tries to explain Charlie's financial woes to him.
Round One to the Hot Crazy Chick (1)
Against Alan's judgment, Charlie falls for a seemingly crazy woman named Frankie.
That Was Saliva, Alan (2)
Frankie tells Charlie and Alan why she and her daughter are on the run; Frankie's daughter has a crush on Jake.
Ate The Hamburgers, Wearing The Hats
Alan offends Charlie by choosing harebrained cousins as Jake's guardians in the event of his death.
An Old Flame With a New Wick
Charlie is stunned to learn his ex-girlfriend is now a man.
I Remember the Coatroom, I Just Don't Remember You
Judith's sister, Liz, hits on Alan at Jake's birthday party; Evelyn prefers alcohol to cake.
Hey, I Can Pee Outside in the Dark
Judith believes that Jake is having a hard time dealing with his parent's divorce, after he starts annoying everyone with his non-stop guitar playing. So she suggests that they send Jake to a therapist. Alan doesn't agree at first, but after thinking about it, he believes it might not be such a bad idea.
No Sniffing, No Wowing
Charlie jeopardizes Alan's divorce settlement by sleeping with his attorney, Laura.
My Doctor has a Cow Puppet
Charlie attempts to cure Alan of his recent bout of sleepwalking; Jake sees his therapist.
Just Like Buffalo
Charlie tries to sweet talk Judith's divorcee support-group into letting Jake continue to spend weekends at his place.
Can You Feel My Finger?
A pregnancy scare has Charlie heading to the doctor for a vasectomy.
Back Off Mary Poppins
Alan learns that Charlie belongs to an exclusive men's group, and he begs his brother to let him join.
Enjoy Those Garlic Balls
Judith is dating Jake's pediatrician, and Alan is upset until Charlie points out that if she remarries, his alimony payments will end.
A Bag Full of Jawea
Charlie tries to save Jake from school suspension for giving his teacher (Missi Pyle) the finger by romancing her, but his several attempts fail every time.
Go Get Mommy's Bra
Jake is very impressed and can't stop talking about his mother's new boyfriend, Dr. Melnick, which annoys Alan. While Evelyn borrows Charlie's car to help her impress a Saudi prince, because she wants to sell him real estate. When Charlie gets his car back, he discovers his mother's bra in the backseat. When he finds out why it's there he decides to trade in his car.
Bad News from the Clinic
Charlie meets his match when he falls for a woman who's better at playing hard to get than he is.
The Price of Healthy Gums Is Eternal Vigilance
Alan denies having shoplifted a toy as a child and fears he has a dark side, until Charlie admits he planted the toy on Alan to stay out of trouble himself.
A Kosher Slaughterhouse Out in Fontana
Charlie and Alan hire Berta's sister to cater a party their mother has conned them into throwing for her.
Frankenstein and the Horny Villagers
Alan meets a woman named Nancy at a grocery store, who fulfills every single one of his desires, forcing Charlie to take care of Jake. After knowing Nancy for a few days Alan decides to ask her to marry him, prompting Charlie to try and talk him out of it, and he even gets help from the brothers' mother.
Yes, Monsignor
When Charlie leaves the house to avoid a date that he can't stand, he ends up at a coffee shop, where he meets his old girlfriend Lisa. He finds out that she broke up with her husband, and now has a child. Now he must try to convince Lisa that he's okay with her having a child. While Jake tries to justify to his father why he isn't doing so well in school.
The Salmon Under My Sweater
Charlie tries to get Jake's approval on a theme song that he is hired to write for a television show, which is based on a comic book that Jake is a fan. While Alan finds out more about Rose (including how smart she is), when he spends more time with her.
Last Chance to See Those Tattoos
After getting unusually turned down at a bar, Charlie learns that a website has been made dedicated to exposing his lifestyle. Charlie sets out to find who created the site, making amends to all those he stood up, but it's harder than it looks when all the women take the apology better than expected.
A Lungful of Alan
Alan is jealous of Charlie when an old classmate, who's now a beautiful woman, seems to be more interested in Charlie.
Zejdz z Moich Wlosów a.k.a. Get Off My Hair
After an earthquake hits, Judith's house is damage and she needs a place to stay. So Alan decides to invite her to stay with him and Charlie, without getting Charlie's permission. Charlie isn't happy with this, but accepts it. Alan becomes jealous when Judith goes on a date, and asks Charlie to find him a date, so that he can show Judith that he dates as well.
Those Big Pink Things with Coconut
The brothers throw out their mother, after she insults the way Alan is raising Jake. When Alan and Charlie ignore her phone calls, to get their attention she ends up in the hospital. When Alan and Charlie show up at the hospital they aren't sure if she's faking, and try to call her bluff.
Smell the Umbrella Stand
Alan starts to worry about a medical procedure that he is facing, and to get his mind off it Charlie suggests they go to Los Vegas.
Can You Eat Human Flesh With Wooden Teeth?
When Judith decides to take a vacation, the brothers have to take care of Jake during the week. Alan finds it challenging, and even forgets to pick up Jake from soccer practice. When Alan finds out that he has to go to the I.R.S. because their auditing him, he forces Charlie to take care of Jake, and Charlie doesn't do any better then Alan.
Woo-Hoo, A Hernia-Exam!
After Charlie has back pain, Alan decides to take him to the Hospital. While there Charlie can't stop hitting on the doctor who is examining him. The only problem is that he has a history with her that he can't remember. Berta is feed up with Jake's inability to use the bathroom properly, so she decides to make him clean it until he learns.
It Was Mame, Mom
Charlie is invited to a party hosted by a gay ad-executive named Eric, so Charlie asks Alan to pretend that he's his life partner. While at the party, Charlie meets Eric's ex-wife Pamela, and tries to sleep with her without Eric finding out.
A Low, Gutteral Tongue-Flapping Noise
After Charlie takes Alan to an eye doctor, they end up at cafe where they bump into Charlie's ex-girlfriend, Sherri. While there Alan shows an interest in Sherri, and decides to ask her out. The problem is that Alan can't get over Sherri's relationship with Charlie.
I Always Wanted a Shaved Monkey
Rose tries to help the brothers sort out their feelings, when Charlie and Alan take their personal frustrations out on each other.
A Sympathetic Crotch to Cry On
Evelyn reads in the obituaries that her second husband, Harry has died. They all attend the funeral, including Jake who is excited at the opportunity of seeing a "dead guy". Charlie is excited by the opportunity of a newly single widow, and Alan is just happy to pay his respects to Harry.
That Old Hose Bag Is My Mother
Evelyn buys Alan a new Sports car causing Charlie to claim that his brother has sold his soul to the Devil. The next day, Evelyn extracts payment by insisting that Alan go on a blind, double date with her, her new beau and his daughter. At the restaurant, Alan learns that his mother and boyfriend will not be able to join them because there was a mixup between his heart medication and Viagra and she didn't want to "waste it". As a result, Alan is left to deal with the daughter, who is on a weekend pass from a rehab center and still has some loose screws. Alan eventually gets her back to the beach house only to have her drive off in his new sports car and become the object of a televised high-speed car chase.
Squab, Squab, Squab, Squab, Squab
When Evelyn learns that Jake spent his entire spring break with his grandparents, she pressures Alen into letting Jake stay with her for the night. Conserned that Evelyn will destroy Jake the way she destroyed their lives, Alen and Charlie grudgingly drop a resentful Jake off at her home and quickly flee to Charlie's favourite bar. There, amidst a group of sexy women, Alan easily gets his mind off of his son's miserable circumstance.
Does This Smell Funny to You?
Charlie unknowingly sleeps with an older man's trophy wife while Jake has to read a paper to his class.
Weekend in Bangkok with Two Olympic Gymnasts
After falling off the roof, Alan needs Charlie’s help in looking after Jake, which interferes with Charlie’s social life.
Principal Gallagher's Lesbian Lover
Jake gets suspended from school after drawing an offensive picture of a girl in his class that has large breasts. Meanwhile, Charlie is asked to watch over Alan's chiropractic office after pulling an all-nighter.
Carpet Burns and a Bite Mark
Charlie finds out that Alan hasn't been dating other women, but infact has been seeing is ex-wife. To keep Jake from finding out, Alan tells Charlie not to tell him because he doesn't want Jake to get his hopes up. Charlie then tries everything he can to convice Alan to come to his senses because he knows it will only end bad for him. But later he tells Rose that if Alan gets back together with his ex-wife, he won't get to see Jake as much. Meanwhile, Alan takes a book back for jake but while at the house Judith offers Alan to join her for a drink in the hot-tub, but it doesn't go so well when Jake keeps interrupting. They then take it to the bedroom, but as usual, Alan screws things up for himself.
Your Dismissive Attitude Toward Boobs
Berta causes tension between Charlie and Alan, when she temporarily moves in with them.
We Called It Mr. Pinky
Charlie learns he can't be in a long-lasting relationship because of unresolved issues he has with his mother. Jake asks Charlie for advice about a girl at school.
Hi, Mr. Horned One
Ignoring Alan's warnings, Charlie continues to date Isabella until she threatens to put a curse on his manhood.
Sleep Tight, Puddin' Pop
Charlie wakes up with Rose the morning after her birthday party. Her irate father (Martin Sheen), comes to ask Charlie about what the future holds for him and Rose, but the unexpected happens when Evelyn shows up.
That Voodoo That I Do Do
Charlie tricks Jake into taking ballet lessons, so he can get close to the teacher.
Madame and Her Special Friend
One of Charlie's elderly neighbors tries to seduce Alan, while Charlie tries to stop Jake from giving money to a televangelist.
Something Salted and Twisted
Charlie helps Alan with his obsession of always having to get approval from the women in his life.
Santa's Village of the Damned
Alan starts dating a woman with a Martha Stewart complex. Before long she's running the house with an obsession for perfection.
That Special Tug
Charlie sees a therapist to learn how to deal with Alan's emotional insecurities.
Humiliation is a Visual Medium
Charlie finds himself in a relationship that is not based on sex.
Love Isn't Blind, It's Retarded
Charlie arranges a romantic date with Mia in the hopes of consummating their relationship. Alan's dating Charlie's most recent ex-girlfriend.
My Tongue is Meat
Charlie has trouble keeping up with Mia's healthy lifestyle, so he begins to sneak beers, cigars, and burgers behind her back. When Mia finds out what he was doing, Charlie has to decide if he is truly in love with her or just whipped.
Ergo, The Booty Call
Alan has trouble deciding if he should bring his younger girlfriend to Jake's birthday party to meet his mom and his ex-wife. Rose tries to get her boyfriend to act more like Charlie.
The Unfortunate Little Schnauser
Charlie is nominated for an advertising award, but he decides to boycott it because his arch nemesis always wins. The rest of his family tries to trick him into going. Rose is having relationship problems with Gordon and seeks help from Charlie.
The Spit-Covered Cobbler
Alan starts to have financial problems when he starts paying for his girlfriend's bills, so Charlie tries to get him to break up with her. Meanwhile, Judith is after Alan because he is late in paying his alimony check.
Golly Moses, She's A Muffin
Tension begins to grow when Kandi moves in with Alan.
Working for Caligula
Now that newlywed Alan has moved out, Charlie returns to his bachelor lifestyle. In the wake of his second divorce, Alan melts down. Charlie, family and friends are no help.
Who's Vod Kanockers
Charlie finally tells Alan the truth about why he broke up with Mia, and a famous neighbor causes problems. Alan feels guilty when he learns that Charlie and Mia didn't tie the knot because she had wanted him and Jake to move out. Meanwhile, Charlie and his rock star neighbor don't get along.
The Sea is a Harsh Mistress
After nearly drowning, Charlie is convinced he saw his late father. Charlie attempts surfing in order to impress a beautiful girl -- with disastrous results. He later tells Alan that when his life was hanging in the balance, their deceased father came to him and made a request that Charlie's loath to fulfill.
Hey, That's My Kimono
Alan and Kandi become embroiled in an unconventional custody battle. Alan is determined to gain custody of his and Kandi's dog after she walks away from their split with both the condo and the car. Having also lost everything to Judith following their divorce, Alan decides to hire the best lawyer he knows -- hers.
A Live Woman of Proven Fertility
Alan and Charlie bond with Judith's new fianc in an effort to improve his relationship with Jake. Alan is overjoyed that he'll no longer owe Judith alimony when she marries Herb. When their marriage plans are threatened due to Jake's disdain for his soon-to-be stepfather, Alan enlists Charlie's help to keep Herb from getting cold feet.
Apologies for the Frivolity
Charlie cannot see that he's dating a younger version of his mother. Though Charlie despises his sharp tongued, passive aggressive mother, he's strangely attracted to Lydia, an attractive, blonde high-end real estate agent -- just like his mother. Unfortunately, the similarities don't end there, and the relationship begins to seem a little too familiar for comfort.
Taterhead Is Our Love Child
Charlie encounters an ex whose son looks an awful lot like him.
Pie Hole, Herb
Alan lends Charlie money and crosses a line in his attempts to get it back.
Damn You, Eggs Benedict
Charlie tries cooking, Alan tries dating two women at the same time and Jake tries beer.
The Flavin' and the Mavin'
Charlie romances Alan's sweet receptionist as Alan anxiously awaits disaster.
A Jock Strap in Hell
The guys bump into Jake's former teacher who became a stripper after a fling with Charlie. Charlie tries to help her out by giving her a room and a job, but things spiral out of control.
Best H.O. Money Can Buy
lan tries to escape Judith's grasp as Charlie and Herb go on the prowl.
Pinocchio's Mouth
Charlie's new girlfriend asks him to spend the night at her place, while Alan tries to enforce a punishment on Jake.
The Mooch At The Boo
Jake disappears with the daughter of Charlie's neighbor, a former NFL player, and Charlie is left to cover his back. Meanwhile, Alan scores a hot date with the help of Charlie's Mercedes.
He Smelled the Ham, He Got Excited
Evelyn offers to pay for Jake's college education, leaving Alan to wonder if he ever needs to work again.
818-jklpuzo
Charlie must decide between his fiance, Chelsea, and his old flame, Mia.
Whipped Unto the Third Generation
When Charlie's fiance, Chelsea, convinces him to let Melissa, Alan's girlfriend, move in, the girls take over the house
Mmm, Fish. Yum.
Alan plays nursemaid to Judith's baby and her tipsy mother. Meanwhile, Jake blackmails Charlie with an incriminating photo
Laxative Tester, Horse Inseminator
Alan takes a job working for Evelyn, and Charlie is forced to mend Chelsea and Jake's rocky relationship
For the Sake of the Child
Jake refuses to stay with Charlie and Alan after they embarrass him in public
Nice to Meet You, Walden Schmidt
Following Charlie's funeral, Alan meets Internet entrepreneur Walden Schmidt.
